Advice on letting go


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This topic contains 13 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Lottie 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #801904 Reply

    Leena

    Hello everyone,
    I recently ended a 2 year relationship with a man I’m crazy in love with because he wants children and I do not. I’m ten years older than he is and my child rearing days are done both in my mind and physically. We knew that getting into the relationship but it started out as a casual fling and evolved into something neither of us expected. I’ve never ended a relationship with someone whom I still wanted to be with and with whom I was still so crazy in love. It’s been over a month and I still have moments where tears just flood my eyes and stream down my face. I even saw my doctor and am now taking meds for depression (which are helping some – but not fully.) I’m distracted. I’m sad – both with him and without him in my life now. We are trying to be friends. We want to stay in each other’s lives. We met for the first time since the breakup the other day. We had coffee and caught up for an hour. It was nice. And then hours later I found myself crying again. He had the same issue. I know time heals all wounds and I know it’s best to stay away from him but my heart aches so badly. He had become so much more than a boyfriend – he’s one of my best friends and I just miss him terribly. I would do anything to be able to make this work and there is literally just no way.

    #801905 Reply

    Newbie

    This post is just weird if you compare it to how to move on from Lotlie in break up advice. exact same thing but two years later and two babies later. If you read that you see what happens if you dont move on. You get stuck and become bitter and resentfull. This guy wants to have a family and one day will have a family. You want to stick around for that to happen?

    #801906 Reply

    Newbie

    And maybe this helps, i also believe that if he loved you enough he would have prioritize this differently. He would have stayed and maybe look at other options. Like my uncle did with his gf. He wanted marriage and kids. She wanted lat and no kids. He stayed with her and they are still together

    #801907 Reply

    Leena

    I’ll have to see if I can find that post. And trust me if wanting to move on was all it took to move on I’d be past it by now.

    #801908 Reply

    Leena

    Thank you, Newbie. I’ve had that same thought as well but wasn’t sure if I was being selfish or not. I said those same words to a friend recently and in response she said “couldn’t he say the same? That if you loved him enough you’d change your position?” Maybe she’s right too.

    #801909 Reply

    Newbie

    Its on break up advice, just above lounge

    #801910 Reply

    Newbie

    Yeah you could say its both ways but to me working it out without kids instead of forcing a kid on the other seems less intrusive to me. But really i told you that perspective to maybe get over it. And read that post since its your future you dont want

    #801911 Reply

    Leena

    HOLY CRAP!! That really IS weird. And you’re right. I don’t want that (no offense to the woman who posted that post.) I do want him to find the right woman and settle down and have children. I’m divorced and have a child who is nearly grown – I would never want to be the reason someone did not get to experience that joy. But yea I certainly don’t need to be front and center for it when it happens for him. Oof. That would be awful. Gut wrenching and painfully awful. I’m glad I read that. Thanks, Newbie. It’s helping (for now – I may have to bookmark it and give it a read from time to time.)

    #801913 Reply

    Lottie

    Well here is Lottie!! Happened to be looking through other posts (to make me feel better to be honest). Yes Leena don’t be me. It sucks. The only thing that has stopped it being totally unbearable is that l stopped contact as soon as he told me he had met someone. If l had kept in touch as friends l would have had to listen to him telling me all about it and that would have been so painful.
    I was ever so fond of him but l don’t think was as in love as you sound. In fact, l haven’t even cried. Gosh, maybe there’s hope for me! Anyway, do be careful with thinking you can cope with something you can’t. I would go cold turkey immediately. X

    #801918 Reply

    Newbie

    Lottie maybe it sounded a bit bad but that was the weird coincidence of those two posts. In the end i truly believe we all have our destiny and use our experiences, the good and the bad. Not all stories end well but you might as well enjoy the ride the most.

    #801922 Reply

    Leena

    Hi Lottie. I’m so sorry that you are going through this/went through what you went through. I wish you comfort and peace and hope posting and reading comments was at least a bit cathartic and has helped with the healing process. I was married for 10 years, with my ex for 12 when I met my guy so I had the same initial thoughts about him/the relationship. I didn’t want anything serious. I was just getting out of a lengthy relationship. Hell, I didn’t even like my guy when it first started. I knew him because we travel in the same circle but I was never ever interested in him romantically. When we left the bar night one I said to him, “this will be an hour of your life and that is all.” Lol! Much like you things progressed. When I started to catch feelings – I told him. He said he felt the same and we decided to not talk about the fact that our relationship had a shelf life and fo just have fun dating (as you said!) But then a landmark birthday hit for him. And as it was coming up on the horizon I couldn’t help but think that he was losing time. And that voice in my head grew louder and more persistent and I realized that if I really love him as I think I do I had to end it. So we celebrated his birthday together and the next day – I told him we were through. He understood and agreed but it was gut wrenching. I had not seen him (we’ve texted and emailed but not gotten together) until he happened to be by my office on Wednesday and asked if I had a moment to grab a cup of coffee. And now I’m right back to where I was 30 days ago. Which I guess tells me everything I need to know. I can’t see him. I seem to be fine texting but I just can’t see him. Not right now anyway (and likely not at all bc I couldn’t bare what you’ve gone through. You’re much stronger than I. That would tear my heart out.) During our breakup conversation, I jokingly told him he needed to quickly get married, have some kids and get divorced so we could get on with things already. In response he said, “can you really imagine me marrying someone else right now?” Gut punch. But at the end of the day my decisions are mine, my emotions are mine. I have to take control of them and move on regardless of how hard it seems now. Ugh love is such a pain in the ass sometimes, isn’t it??

    #801928 Reply

    Lottie

    We are on here trying to help each other so no offence taken by anything anyone said about me. I am 53 and have had my share of heartbreak and also broken a heart too so l have been through many of the emotions before and know the feelings will eventually subside.
    Funnily enough l don’t actually think having children is the be all and end all of human existence. Ok it’s hard thinking of him all cosy with new partner and 2 babies but my real pain is with his betrayal by not saying anything and letting me continue to visit him and act like his girlfriend. It’s thinking back to all the lies. I feel humiliated. I always knew we weren’t forever and thought we had a very grown up relationship. If he had taken me out for a coffee and told me upfront that he had met someone l truly think l would feel different than l do now. By letting things continue for months he made me feel an idiot, and an old fool. That’s the stuff l can’t deal with. He thinks he’s such a nice guy and l went along with that narrative when l wished him well. Regret that hugely and would love to take him down a peg or two but reckon silence speaks more than any words. X

    #801935 Reply

    Leena

    Your last sentence – I could not agree more. What he did to you was tremendously disrespectful and I’m sure it feels like a hit to the ego. But if you think about it really – he is the foolish one here. You had a grown up relationship which you both understood was for a time and not until the end of time. If you can’t be honest in THAT relationship – when can you be? He had literally NO reason to lie to you. His choosing to do so anyway tells me he’s just a sissy. A gutless wimp who couldn’t be honest with a woman with whom he had the most honest of arrangements. And that’s on him – not you. Think about the lies he must tell to her – to HIMSELF. The people in his life with whom he has commitments. He is the one who looks like an idiot here not you. He’s a child and that did not fit the narrative of your grown up relationship. So you blocked him and unfriended him. You took the control back. Trust me I can understand the impact of a damaged ego but I’m telling you there is no reason for you to suffer from same in this instance. He looks bad – not you.

    #801939 Reply

    Lottie

    Awww Leena, that is brilliant what you wrote. Thank you SO much. You have expressed what l feel entirely. There was absolutely no reason for him to handle it that way. I know myself well enough to know that if he had done it with honesty and respect then l would have been fine. Too late now but l am determined to move on and your words have really helped x good luck with your situation too. Your man sounds more genuine than this one. At least he is having the conversation with you

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