Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Abusive ex keeps trying to contact me
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Jules.
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Jules
Hi ladies,
I wanted to get your opinions on what to do, if anything, about an emotionally abusive ex who keeps reaching out to me.
A little background–we dated for a year (lots of breaking up/getting back together), I finally called it quits, went 10 months n/c and then contacted him in an ultimate moment of sadness and weakness, we dated ANOTHER 7 months (same roller coaster) and then I was honestly done. No more feelings of love like I did even during the n/c period. I finally wised up to how toxic he is.
My problem is he keeps making attempts to contact me (most recently Xmas). Since our breakup in July I’ve only responded to his text once (in sept) where I told him I had no interest in having any contact with him. He’s made three attempts since, calls and texts, which I’ve ignored.
Blocking him might seem like the obvious choice but in the past when I’ve blocked him he’s shown up at my house unannounced bc I was blocking him and honestly I’m afraid that he might do it again. I feel like at least if I know he’s trying to contact me I know to be on alert.
My question is, do I continue ignoring? I’ve also considered answering his next attempt (on the phone) and calmly tell him I really want him to stop. My family has mentioned me possibly needing a restraining order but it seems extreme….but then again I feel conditioned to his brand of crazy so my radar is off. Thoughts?
Ashley
unfortunately I don’t think you can get a restraining order unless you can prove he’s made a threat to physically harm you. if blocking just makes him go further, I would say just continue to ignore him. if you tell him to stop, he might get angry & come to your house.
LAgirl
Actually you can get an order, if you can show evidence that you asked him to leave you alone and he persists.
This is where you need to be firm and nip this in the bud.
I would respond once and let him know, you do not want any further contact from him. If he does, you will take steps to get an order of restraint. Then DO NOT ever again respond to him. He shows up at your home, you call the police.
The longer you allow this, the longer he will continue at it.
Do you feel he would ever physically harm you?
Stefanie
Jules, LAgirl has it right. He keeps doing it because he gets a response from you. I finally had to call the police on an ex a few years back and the unofficial caution to leave him alone finally demonstrated I meant it and he’s never bothered me again.
Start keeping records so you can document what’s happened.
And if you are going to tell him you want no further contact with him and if he shows up at your place you will phone the police, you MUST follow through on that.
Good luck, take care of your safety. Let us know how it goes. We care about you here.
Beth
Stalkers get off on contact, whether it is positive or negative, so ignoring is the best option. Record and save everything and discuss eith the police what might be needed, just in case. I had a female babysitter stalker, so some experience. She got off onany type of negative interaction.
Jules
Thank you for the responses ladies.
He has put his hands on me once in the past. Although if you were to ask him he would say what happened didn’t count. He drunkenly grabbed the wheel when I was driving on the freeway and then yanked me by the back of my hair when we came to a stop (all bc I wouldn’t stop at his dad’s so he could get drugs).
I can see what each of you are saying. These are the thoughts I have as well. I know I don’t want to provoke him bc he is a volatile person. While I can see how letting him know just how serious I am (police involvement) could be the kick he needs, I’m also afraid of what kind of reaction I’m going to receive.
His messages aren’t threatening. The last time I engaged he attacked my character when he didn’t receive the response he wanted but he hasn’t said he’s going to physically hurt me. My friends call him “50 first dates” bc when he contacts he’s always friendly like our last interaction, which is always terrible, didn’t happen.
I think I will continue to ignore unless he shows up at my door. The idea of him showing up again feels threatening and I would need to put my foot down at that point.
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