This topic contains 8 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Sensy 1 week, 2 days ago.
October 17, 2020 at 2:22 pm #819601
I started dating a guy (he’s 37, I’m 32) I met online a couple of months ago. We hit it off quickly and even though we were a little long distance (he lives an hour away), decided to give it a go. It went really well. I liked him a lot and we had great chemistry. We saw each other about once a week and then also had a video date each week and texted. We both are single parents so we were understanding when we couldn’t talk or see each other all the time.
About a month in, he asked me to be his girlfriend and we became exclusive. I even briefly met his son and mom because his son had asked to meet me for a few minutes. Then a few weeks later, I felt a shift like he was pulling away. He had to cancel our plans because he had his son which was fine, but we also didn’t video chat or go on a date for a week and a half. When I told him it was hard to feel connected when I didn’t see him or at least video chat for ten days, he said he had worried this would happen and suggested we break up.
I was completely taken aback by this. I told him I was just trying to communicate how I was feeling, but definitely didn’t want to end things over this. He said he had thought he was ready to date (he divorced nine months ago) but that he’s just not and that he needs to deal with his own emotional stuff before he dates anyone. He wanted to be friends but I said I didn’t want to be friends unless he meant maybe slowing down and being friends while keeping the door open to a relationship. He said he didn’t want to be in any relationship right now. We haven’t spoke since.
I guess I’m just confused and trying to make sense of what happened. I’m hurt. I really liked this person and I’m wondering if he hadn’t been that into it liked he seemed and this was just a good opening to end things. It had been a long time since I felt this much chemistry with someone again.October 17, 2020 at 3:13 pm #819608
He is newly divorced & not ready to date…
Take the length of the relationship, divide by 4
That number is how long-ish it takes to start considering another ‘real’ relationship…October 17, 2020 at 3:58 pm #819615
He told you the truth. Its not uncommon for guys to feel what they really feel after a honeymoon phase. But after that he felt he was not ready. Thats all there is to tell i think. I think its also wise of you to completely cut it off. Timing sucks sometimesOctober 17, 2020 at 4:07 pm #819617
He was not that into anything serious so it’s good to have broken up so you can pursue a relationship with someone who is looking for a committed relationship. This guy was looking for some fun no matter what he said to you. He’s out of a marriage with kids- he’s definitely in rebound territoryOctober 17, 2020 at 4:13 pm #819619
Thank you. I know it wasn’t that long but it felt exciting to feel so into someone again. Sure hurts that it feels like it was over before it began. 😞October 18, 2020 at 4:23 am #819723
Holly, it should be a red flag when you feel overwhelming chemistry. Real relationships that last should be a 7/8 on chemistry at most … otherwise you are most likely recreating past dynamics formed in childhood. And you should be focused on compatibility as much as chemistry… compatibility between 8-10/10 and chemistry 6-8/10 are usually healthiest. And men often just turn off like an oven… that is why they need to prove themselves at the beginning and you need to be cautiously optimistic.October 19, 2020 at 2:44 pm #820070
It’s not uncommon for newly divorced men to rush into a relationship before they are ready. They are used to having female companionship and want to have that again, even though they haven’t healed from their divorce yet. Then after the honeymoon rush wears off, their issues rear up and they realize they’re not ready to be in a relationship.
It sucks & I’m sorry it happened to you. Unfortunately it’s just one of those things. It’s best to avoid dating guys who are recently divorced (or God forbid, separated) if you are looking for a serious relationship. You learned this the hard way unfortunately. I agree with Newbie that it’s a good thing you cut contact. There’s no point being friends with this guy when you have feelings for him. It’ll just keep you emotionally entangled and prevent you from meeting a guy who is open and ready for a relationship with you.October 20, 2020 at 12:30 am #820131
This is another case of a person not having sorted out their matters( in your case, emotional ones) before they started dating. Then they involve someone else in their mess. Sorry you had to go through this.October 20, 2020 at 3:37 pm #820240
Good comments here. One thing is not to make him the source of your happiness. Also, just allow things to evolve organically. It sounds like the exclusivity happened fast and so perhaps lots of dates (too much too soon).