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- This topic has 6 replies and was last updated 4 years, 5 months ago by
Khadija.
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Gia
Hello. I am an anxious preoccupied and he is dismissive avoidant. We tick all the boxes of this kind of pairing. We have been seeing eachother for about 2 years.
The last month has been more difficult than the usual push/pull dynamic. He does not initiate much contact anymore but will respond if I do and usually asks to get together. I have backed off with my initiating hoping he will step up but he seems to be okay with talking to me less. Feels like it has backfired on me. :(.
I love this man so much but do not know how to get him to contact me like he did before. It hurts to think he doesn’t miss me or think about me. My phone is so silent. I hope to hear from him and when I don’t, I feel unworthy. I try to not contact him a lot but after 4-5 days of not hearing from him, my anxiety is through the roof and I reach out.
We have such a wonderful time when we are together. He is attentive and caring. But when we part, my anxiety kicks in immediately as I don’t know if or when I will ever hear from him again. The silence between seeing him seems to be increasing and I feel us drifting further apart. It makes me very sad.
I have done a lot of research on attachment styles and I am beginning to understand this is how he is. But I still can’t help feeling sad and wanting to see and hear from him more.
Does anyone else have experience with this type of relationship? If not, thank you for allowing me to vent.
Tallspicy
You will not like what I have to say: end it and find someone who is less avoidant. You cannot get an avoidant to not be avoidant. If you leave, he might come back, but unless he wants to do the real work, it will be short lived.
Is this man even your boyfriend? Does he agree he is avoidant (or have you diagnosed him)?
The reality is a man who does not call for 5 days at a time simply does not want to. If you are anxious, you need to get uncomfortable and choose someone who is securely attached.
Tallspicy
Learn about reparenting yourself so you can feel less anxious by no longer abandoning yourself to someone you are dating, which is what you are doing by wanting more and not ending this.
Vera
I’d be hard pressed to find a girl who wants a relationship to be happy with what you’re describing .
2 years in and you’re still just seeing each other ? No communication for 5 days ?
He could very well be very fond of you or love you in his own way but if you’re not happy with it you don’t need to change yourself . Just realize it’s an incompatibility and find someone who fits .Marnie
I went thru this with a guy for 2 years! They dont change.
You will be forever anxious. In my experience, these guys can be very cold. In person everything feels great but they really don’t want true intimacy with a woman. Just a warm body.
So if he’s not contacting you – he’s not thinking about you period. He might even be seeing others. Guy I was seeing was also extremely private and couldn’t open up. Red flag right there.
Please move on!
anon
Have you had a conversation with him about how this makes you feel? If after 2 years, he still avoids you for 4-5 days at a time, you have a right to feel uneasy about the “relationship”. Have you ever said, “hey, I would like to hear from you more”.
I have a guy like this in my life and I tried to make it work, got frustrated, so I friendzoned him. The funny thing is, despite friendzoning and me moving onto other men, he still communicates exactly the same and is still very warm when we hang out. I still get the same mixed message from him that wavers between love and avoidance. The only change now is that I have become disinvested in the outcome so make minimal effort. I’ve also tried to outright end it and all that does is make him step up.
Khadija
I agree with Tallspicy.
After 2 years he should be more invested in you.He sounds indifferent and his interest is fading.
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