When he says its just a joke and I'm overreacting

Emma, are you following any threats on this forum? repeatedly, we talk about not using text for sorting things out. First you hang up on him like a teenager and then you send him text.

I am not saying what he did is ok. It was not ok at all, and you are right to be unhappy, but why do things like that?

First of all, stop texting NOW. if you want him to treat you seriously you need to act more mature yourself.

Next time you meet, not over text, only in person or over the phone, where your voice is present, you can tell him that you thought you were in a relationship as a BF and GF, is this so? And ask him what he meant by “why not become single again”? Does it mean he wants to break up or was he just playing with your feelings and trying to insult you?

What he does is also childish and immature. How old are you both?

Take it to the level of adults when people respect each other and try to enjoy their relationship instead of pulling silly stunts like that.

If he constantly does things like that then I’d just walk away, this is not respectful and you are unhappy, clearly. Ask him to stop and if he continues, do walk away. Do not waste your time on this. You’d get bad influence and bad habits inherited from this relationship, why do you need it?

Honestly I think both of you are immature. He’s told you “I’m single” and is acting like a single man IMO.

You are not compatible and I don’t see this going anywhere but downhill.

I remember this from last time. lol, you’re being silly. You need to learn to roll with his humor instead of taking things so seriously all the time. This guy really likes you, and enjoys teasing you. Instead of hanging up, you joke back with him, “Then you wouldn’t have the greatest girl in the world, and your life would be so empty”….. or something to that effect. Make something up and have fun with it. Anyway, he might come back with something like, “There are more fish in the sea”. Then you’d go into, “I couldn’t imagine anyone dating a tuna” (something opposite of you because you don’t want him turning it around on you).

I had a girlfriend that joked around like this with me all the time. You have to be quick witted. It keeps conversations from getting stale by using your imagination. At some point in the relationship, you’ve heard all their stories over 50 times. So we’d play and make up stuff.

Don’t keep doing this too him, it could rub him the wrong way at some point.

Thanks Andy,

I’ll try to calm down. Its just hard to deal with this sense of humour after a relationship where this was never a joke it was serious and not even close to the worst thing the guy did. Left someone abusive (and first ever relationship) about two months before we got together so I feel like I’m walking on eggshells a lot, hoping I settle into it because I really like this guy but things like this set me off and I panic, exaggerate and over react = immature behaviour. He seems to be patient with it so far though. Little by little.

yep I agree with waitwhat. Big red flag if his ‘jokes’ are hurtful. Sounds like this guy is after attention. My response would have been, ‘well the jokes on you buddy’ before hanging up and then turning my phone off to let myself cool down and avoid getting into a convo that will leave me more angry. I’m sorry but if you’re in a relationship, joking about wanting to be single is never funny and is just playing games that are going to cause huge problems later on. I’d let him know that those kind of ‘jokes’ are not funny and you don’t appreciate it. Remember – you can only control how you react to a situation.

If I were you, I’d start making plans with friends and going out and enjoying yourself. Do NOT wait around for him. If he calls or texts just keep it casual. Make him see that you don’t need him (which you don’t. I’m sure you’re a smart girl with lots going on, if he can’t see that then you should cut your losses and find someone who does appreciate you.

I personally would not find that funny. There is a difference between good natured teasing and this type of “joking”.

I lived with a controlling, abusive person for 10 years and this is how he would “joke”. He would say something hurtful and then when I would get upset he would play if off as a joke and how it was my fault for being so sensitive. Not a fun way to live. On the other hand, my bf and I joke around a lot and have a blast together. Sometimes one of us will go too far. As soon as that happens we apologize for hurting/upsetting/annoying the other. Totally different

You asked him to stop with that type of joking and he didn’t. To me that means that he doesn’t respect your boundaries. He doesn’t understand why you are upset so he probably won’t be able to modify his joking with you.

Thanks for all your advice,

When I spoke to him on the phone I acknowledged the fact that he was joking but I told him if he wanted to be single and there was a little truth behind it he could be, because this can only continue if he treats me with respect and saying something like that knowing that it’ll hurt me is disrespectful in my eyes. He then sounded really choked up and upset and said of course he didn’t want do be single not even a little.. And then the phone call got very soppy haha. Having just left an abusive relationship I recognise some if the signs… The first joke that upset me was actually very different and like the last time here he stopped immediately when he realised I was upset but just didn’t understand why I wasnt laughing. I’ve been comparing how my ex acted in different situations to how he acts and I’m fairly certain although he is clearly a dominant force in the relationship he isn’t crossing the line to abusive… But I’ll keep you posted.

I think sometimes that guys from France or Spain or other places in Europe have this very deadpan sense of humour. A Lithuanian guy my friend was seeing was prone to making really dry jokes that just didn’t land very well and offended her. I myself have chatted to a lot of European guys and they do have this way about them of teasing girls, but sometimes taking it too far and not understanding that they might hurt.
Me and another friend were told by a guy in Stockholm that we looked really bad, we were like “wtf?” my friend got offended but I asked him to explain and I believe he meant because we were drinking and messing around we looked like party girls or ‘bad’ girls.

It could just be that this is his sense of humour, but if it becomes a habit and he is never apologetic then I would say that is a big red flag then.

Pleas help :( I feel sick. I really need some reassurance right now

I don’t think you should be reassured this guy is into you. I think you should find it within yourself not to let him affect you. He should be worried if YOU are into HIM. Get it?

Is there any way you can not care? I know that doesn’t seem fair, and I know I will probably catch it for saying that…but this really isn’t life or death. I know you care, believe me I get it. I am one of those women that have always been soooooo affected by men. But Im older now and I swear, if I could tell my 18 year old self one thing, it would be to not let the guys get to me. They come and go. I would tell myself to do my own thing, make myself happy, be honest and true but don’t ever let anyone get the better of you. Be happy so that when the right one comes along I will be able to enjoy a healthy relationship with him.
But for now, this minute…take a step back, and breathe…and think, how important to my life is this guy really?? I mean really…
and once you have that straight maybe you could handle this situation with clarity.

Emma,

Like kimf is saying turn the tables on him! Next time he says well I hope I like it for your sake or I’ll just move on to the next girl say…well there are lots of other guys out there who would appreciate what I have to give them if you don’t!! :)

And really I do think you are overreacting and taking things WAY too serious. My boyfriend and I are always kidding about stuff like that. I’ll send him a text saying how hot and amazing my boyfriend is and he’ll respond back, Wait, I thought I was your boyfriend?!? And I’ll text back…you should be so lucky!! Couples just play around with each other and tease and it sounds like you are sucking all the fun out of it! Don’t take everything so literally and be more playful with him. If you can’t handle his sense of humor without getting your feelings hurt, then you just may not be a good match for each other.