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kesh.
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Nic
I’ve been regularly dating (and exclusively) a man for just over six months.
We only see each other once a week due to busy schedules, but majority of dates are laid back and relaxed. He initiates all dates and majority of texts/calls (more like checking messages when were apart like “good morning sweetie” or how was your day”)
Now, a bit of background. We got into the topic of the future on one of our dates about a month ago. Seemed casual enough. Where he stated he is slow to fall in love. He then opened up about his last breakup after he proposed to his then gf. That as much as he enjoys my company, he is feeling slightly pressured to commit to something more, can we ease up a bit. I didn’t realise I had been pressuring him in subtle ways. Maybe it was the future plans talk? Just small suggestions like, how about we book a mini getaway for a weekend or do New Year’s Eve together. (Holidays we’re around the corner). I told him I respect that he’s honest with me and we can take a step back and just enjoy the moment however he needs to be honest with me – is he dating with a possible future in mind? He said yes.
Skip forward to now. This past two week (admittedly crazy with Xmas etc) he’s been more distant than ever. Hardly any texts or calls. Just the odd one. No plans for dates except a quick catch up coffee and a hastily last minute planned dinner (last one being my idea). We both have annual leave the Xmas-new year period and I find it very odd he’s not reaching out. I called him last night to just say hey, how’s your holiday, everything ok? His response was it’s coming along nicely, he’s been busy. That’s it.
Now, why would a man you have dated this long not want to spend or suggest to spend any time together during the holiday period?? Is he slowly fading? Is this acceptable? I’m so tempted to just tell him, look don’t appreciate the slow fade out, if you’re not interested just tell me and I’ll move right along. Is this a bad idea? Or should I give it more time and wait for the holiday period to be over?
Talllady
When a man is only seeing you once a week and telling you that he is pressured to give you more at 6 months, it is up to you, but I would end it. He is never going to want more with you and you will get more hurt staying. Evan mark katz writes a lot on the topic. Men who want to be your boyfriend, act like one, and to me once a week is not a boyfriend.
How about taking your power back and ending it, his face or not is irrelevant.
Talllady
Oops, fade, not face…
Lane
Hi Nic.
Women shouldn’t be afraid to be direct with a man as long as it comes from a place of confidence, not emotional overload. I get that men do need some space (autonomy) from time-to-time, which it very could be, so you need to make sure you find out the real reason before accusing him of something that it might not be, e.g. ‘the fade.’
Ultimately if your not happy with where its going, then you need to address the real culprit—-him making excuses by using a past relationship to not commit. Honestly, if he was so broken up about it then he wouldn’t or shouldn’t be dating! I remember Stefanie, a regular, used a scenario in a post that might work for your situation. It went something like this:
Have you fallen off a bicycle and gotten hurt? [should answer yes] Did it prevent you from ever riding one again? [answer should be no] Has a person you loved ever died? [should answer yes] Did it prevent you from loving others? [answer should be no] Did you have a few break ups in your past? [should answer yes] Did it prevent you from having another GF? [answer should be no]. Then what’s really preventing you from fully committing to me?
Demand an HONEST answer from him so YOU can decide to stick it out or move on.
Goldilocks
I have been going through a similar situation as yours. I was ready to throw in the towel months ago. We had been dating once a week which seemed like forever. However, he did tell me, at the beginning of our relationship, that he takes a long time to get into a relationship. And several times, he reminded me that “relationships take time… there is no rush.” For what it’s worth this man is a Capricorn. I read up on his sign and, yes, it says that Capricorns are very cautious and careful… and take a very long time to commit… because they are looking for a life partner… not a fling. Well, Capricorn or not, my boyfriend has been slower than molasses in January. However, when we are together (once a week) he focuses completely on me, he is very loving and respectful. It is as though he really wants us to get to know one another really well to find out whether or not we are COMPATIBLE. So, I slowed myself down to this pace (it was difficult), gave him the space he needed, let him run the show and kept myself occupied with my own interests. Recently, he has surprised me by talking about what it would be like to live together and how we seem to be compatible and how much he loves me etc. He is beginning to express what he is feeling and saying these things out loud. It has been a long long wait. I was ready to give up many times. But now I’m glad I waited. He is a good guy and he is worth the wait.
Good luck and much patience.Nic
Tallady, I think you’re right – I’m fed up with this type of treatment. Usually I would be quick to walk, but I’ve never had this slow fade thing occur before. Most men (and myself) have been mature enough in the past to say, hey this just isn’t working. Surely no interested man moves this slowly.
Lane, interesting line of questioning. Think I’ll try that and get some straight honest answers so I can make a choice. I’ll take a few days first to get myself calm though, right now I’m resentful and it’s not a healthy place to come from!
Goldilocks, I think the time we spend together has actually changed. Can’t quite put my finger on it. But it’s like he’s distanced not just emotionally but with affection too. Maybe getting some answers will help, I think six months is pretty patient! I wouldn’t be so wound up though if things hadn’t changed, but it has
Leah
Hi Nic,
Sounds a lot like the situation I’m in. But i’ve gone trough a lot of these phases over 4 years.
You need to make up the decision and create your boundaries. We are all different and you can’t draw a timeline how a relationship should proceed. I would give him time personally, if that’s what you want. I know the time when he’s distant is painful, and yes I do also question whether it’s acceptable. Anyways no one is perfect. He’ll come back to you if he like you-look at it that way. Have a little chat with hime then and say how you feel.
Good luck
Juliette
Hi Nic
I know this is so hard what you are going through right now. It is very easy to get caught up in the thought process of how dare he, etc. The natural response is fight or flight. However, I would recommend you step back and get out of your thoughts for now. Coming at him in the mind set you are right now is not going to serve you. Let things be for a week or two. Lean back and stop rowing the boat (as Rori would say) Let him miss you if he is going to. The holidays can be very tricky for people and you don’t really know what is going on in his head. Show him that you can handle your emotions and just stay calm for now. Once he has reconnected with you in a positive way (and you receive him in a positive way) you can then calmly broach the conversation about commitment/time spent/whatever you choose. I am of the opinion that now is definitely not the time to do so.
Hang in there – and be strong. xo
Nic
So, I didn’t even get so much as a text or phone call at any stage NYE to say happy new year. Think that’s quite clear we are done. Not a single message.
If he happens to contact in the next few days to get together, how do I tell him I find the slow fade tactic disrespectful and would have preferred honesty and just say no longer interested. Without sounding angry. After six months of dating exclusively (even without a bf/gf title) I find what he did completely rude, disrespectful and cowardly!!!
Tallady
Nic, you don’t tell him. You telling him does nothing but make you look needy. He thinks his behavior is fine or he would not do it.
I just suggest you say, I think it is best we no longer see each other. We are not on the same page about what we want in relationships. No hard feelings and happy new year.
If he asks why, just say – I want a growing relationship and a real boyfriend, spending more time together and being in touch over holidays. This is not that. Best of luck!
Stefanie
Lane, you forgot one… have you ever invested in a stock and had it lose money? Did it prevent you from making any other investment ever again?? (answer should be no)
:) I’m glad the example made such an impression.
Nic, I just dealt with this same thing a few weeks ago. First of all, get your anger out and then get really calm. I asked to see him and was sweet as pie, from a genuine place, when I said I’m ending this today because I want you to be happy doing what you want to do. And your behavior has told me very clearly that you don’t want to be with me. I observe you have a wonderful life and as there isn’t anything I can add to that, I’m going to wish you the best, thank you for our time together and I have to go now.
It blew him away that I wasn’t angry, sarcastic, didn’t interrogate or anything. I sincerely meant every word I said. And what I didn’t say was, I only want a man who wants me and you didn’t meet the standard so it’s time for me to spend my time with someone who does. And I mean that in all earnest, no sarcasm or snakiness.
When you can do that, see him and end it, and move on ASAP so you can have a rocking 2015 girlfriend!!
Stefanie
snarkiness
Stefanie
I gave my ex a little over 2 months space from the time he started acting funny and I got on with my life pretty well in the meantime. I decided I didn’t want to drag this stuff into 2015. It was right for me. Six months is enough time IMO but up to you. The thing about giving the speech I suggest is, if you are not correctly assessing that he wants out, he will say so. Or, he will go away and possibly think differently. But if you are nasty or sarcastic, he’s got his get out of jail free card and he can justify why he didn’t want to be in it with you.
Nic
Talllady and Stefanie,
You’re both probably right in that I should hold off speaking to him til I’m in a much calmer frame of mind or I’ll make a fool of myself. I want to be able to walk away with my head held high. I’m way too angry right now and emotions are running high.
You have both worded things perfectly, so thank you! I know he will be in contact next few days, is it best to not respond to anything til I’m ready to talk? I don’t always do so well at pretending to be ok.
Stefanie
And final thought… you end it this way for you, not for him. I got complete closure by doing it this way. And I’d recommend it to anyone. Write it if you can’t see the guy for some reason. Then it doesn’t fester within you. And I find that when I’ve missed him over the past few days and felt a little sad, I snap back to my life pretty quick when I remember I want him to be happy doing whatever he wants to do and I hope wherever he is he is indeed doing that. And I am also choosing to be happy doing what I want to do, and that’s be with people who love and value me, and NEVER anything less.
Happy NY from London where it has just crossed midnight!!!!
Nic
Very true Stefanie, I didn’t think of it that way. I think there’s been signs over the past month, just I’ve been ignoring it. Doubt he would come back. For me it’s just a form of closure and it’s respectful
Nic
Thank you! Already feeling a tad better after reading your advice. Heres to 2015 being a better year for us all!!
Stefanie
When he contacts you, if you aren’t ready to handle, just respond to him that you’re busy at the moment and will get back to him within a few days. And do it in your own time.
Remember that anger and all those emotions will poison YOU not him.
I am a practicing member of the Church of England, and in this year of challenges galore, I’ve gotten stronger. The thing I keep going back to is “Thy will not my will be done and my will be Thy will.” If you are not religious then feel free to disregard, but if you believe in any kind of higher power, it’s a freeing thought. Put in a more secular way, if one person is leaving, it’s to make way for someone who is now better for you and you for them. You don’t have to make them bad or wrong on the way out the door. It’s evolution. It’s all good.
Stefanie
Well you have made my night. I’ve not been sure lately I should keep spending time posting here but when I know that sharing my viewpoint and experiences helped someone like I was helped when I got here in rough condition and clueless about men, then I know I should keep going.
Stefanie
I should not have taken a nap earlier now I’m wide awake… although I think the fireworks that have just gone off would have woken me anyhow.
Diane
Maybe he has not really recovered from the breakup
Nic
Stefanie,
Definitely keep contributing and posting! Were it not for the valuable advice both you and Tallady provided here I would have snapped and hastily blew up! There are many here who definitely are thankful for the advice given – whether it’s reassurance, support or a wake up call.He has texted a random message on New Years Day (I’m in New Zealand) “hope you had a wonderful New Year’s Eve xx”. A bit late buddy! Don’t think I’m ready to respond.
Diane,
His breakup was eight months ago. I loved Stefanie’s line of questioning on how to determine if he is or not!Lylah
Hi Nic,
I was in a similar position, dating a man for a similar time frame who can’t commit and has been gradually becoming distant and putting little to no effort in! I think at 6mths they should know how they feel and which position they’ve lumped you in. Always believe a mans actions over his words. Only his actions proves how much interest is invested.I also think some men do the slow fade in order to avoid the woman’s emotions or outburst. They gradually fade out til either you get fed up and end it or you just go NC in return. I agree, it’s a less than mature way to end things. Think the slow fade is just as painful and frustrating as a breakup. Just rip the damn bandaid off! Lol
Hang in there Nic :)
Hi Stefanie,
I liked your advice on how to word the moving on speech in a calm manner. Think I’ll be stealing that one for myself too!! It’s a great way to gain closure for yourself while keeping your self respect :)buttercup
I also like the way stefanie worded a calm way to end it.
If you don’t actually get to see them to say it to the face, so you think is acceptable to say it in a text?
Harley
Hi BC. . The odd time text us acceptable I think.the cowards way out though. Are you asking in general ..or not ????
If you are thinking of new guy….He will have to get in touch at some stage…I’d wait till he does.if he fades…let him fade. say nothing. -
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