This topic contains 116 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Freedom 3 weeks, 3 days ago.
June 18, 2018 at 12:13 pm #708376
My husband has recently confessed to cheating on me. I don’t know what to do. We’ve been married 6 years now – married quite young (I’m 29) and we have twin girls together. I noticed we’ve been drifting apart since last year. Having our girls has been a challenge, but we never really argued with each other or had any serious issues. I feel like it was my fault I noticed the drifting and said nothing about it. I could tell he was always exhausted, and we kind of just retreat from each other when we are home but we still tell each other we love each other, have dinner together once a month, and have sex at least once a week. I guess the red flags I was noticing didn’t really bother me since I thought things were supposed to slow down when you have a kids.
I’m just so distraught now. Not sure what to do. I haven’t told my family and I am not sure if that would be beneficial right now. I am so hurt but I don’t know what I would do without him. He told me it’s over with the woman (someone he met on tinder) and that they had casual sex a few times and nothing more. I am assuming he wants to make it work. How do I move forward from this?
June 18, 2018 at 12:20 pm #708378
You need to deep down ask yourself if you can truly forgive him and trust again.
My ex cheated on me, and I stayed, never trusted him again, lost my love for him and the relationship devolved.
Counseling is probably a good idea to figure out why he cheated, and how you as a couple can provide a solution to prevent it from happening in the future.
I would not tell family and friends as they can create a vortex of hate and negativity that can tow you under. But know you are not alone, and it wasn’t “you”. That’s why you need counseling and a neutral party.
I regret not getting counseling. In my case, I went it alone and didn’t tell anyone, because I hated the toxic nature of conversation among friends and family of people who had been betrayed. Therefore, I blamed the cheating on a shortcoming of myself.
The reality- hindsight- my ex thrives on attention and I thrive on solitude, but truly loved and respected each other. We were in the wrong relationship. It took 3 hard years post cheating to figure that out. I think counseling would have ended it much more quickly and easily.June 18, 2018 at 12:56 pm #708391
I would recommend couple’s counseling. Sex with another woman is a symptom of him not getting his needs met (this does not mean sexual needs – that is just how he expressed it) and you clearly aren’t getting yours met either. A relationship does not have to dwindle due to children or time. It is all about learning communication skills and figuring out how to have children and keep your relationship nourished. Dinner once a month does not sound nearly enough. Daily nourishing is needed.
Since he ended the casual fling and told you, I think he realized that is not the answer. Infidelity does not have to mean the end of a relationship and if the couple chooses to work through it together can even lead to strengthening of the relationship.
At the very least find a counselor for yourself. There are also books on how to survive infidelity. Maybe even talk to him about going to counseling. Either way you choose to handle this, the two of you communicating better is going to be the only solution.
I am sorry for your pain.June 18, 2018 at 12:58 pm #708392
Don’t say a word to anyone. Keep private things private for now. Try to work through this for the kids. For now. How did he happen to tell you?
If he was sorry, shouldn’t he have kept you from the pain and simply stopped?
Hmm.June 18, 2018 at 1:00 pm #708393
Believe me, you don’t want to be divorced with two kids. Divorce is hell. Being single and divorced is hell.June 18, 2018 at 1:23 pm #708409
Thank you for all the kind words and support. He told me in our bedroom after I’d put the twins to bed. He was very apologetic. I think he was afraid I would pack my bags and leave the minute I heard. But I couldn’t even say anything, couldn’t even move. I told him I needed to be alone and he left the house. He’d texted me that he’d slept at our mutual friends house – I am not sure our friend is aware of the situation. He’d come back the next night and I couldn’t control the anger I felt. I yelled and he just took it, apologized some more. He told me he didn’t mean to hurt me, that he loved our girls. I don’t know why but I asked details about the woman. It didn’t help me feel better to know they’d met on tinder. Which means he’d actively sought her out, it wasn’t like an accident. I’ve calmed since then but I feel such a great sadness that I can’t describe. It’s as if something has died inside me. I do want us to work out. I think counseling is a good idea and I will move forward with that. I don’t know how I could ever forgive him, but I think moving forward as husband and wife has to be the best thing for our kids, and for me, honestly.June 18, 2018 at 1:51 pm #708420
He is clearly feeling remorseful which if you have to deal with this type of situation is good. Instead of figuring out if you can forgive him or not, maybe start with smaller steps. Realizing there has been a break down in your relationship and both of you are hurting. The next step will be dealing with your current feelings. Then once those subside, dealing with what caused the break down, etc. One step at a time. Right now you need to sooth yourself as much as possible.
I agree with Anne to in keeping it private. If you are working on getting this in the past and creating a new relationship, having people keep alive that which you are trying to heal is not beneficial or healthy for anyone.
I know it does not seem like it, but you will get through this. I predict after some work, you two will learn to be a good team. One day at a time….June 18, 2018 at 2:02 pm #708423
I know you must be destroyed but take heart. He came to you and told you when you would have never been any the wiser, so he knows he messed up big and he truly wants to fix it. That’s good. I know several couples who survived affairs with stronger marriages afterward. In some cases like this it’s a cry for attention and help. Definitely get the aid of a counselor. Sorry this happened, wishing you a good outcome.June 18, 2018 at 2:09 pm #708430
I never understand why person would ‘confess’ to sexual indiscretions when they haven’t been caught. It seems so selfish. If he feels guilty, he is telling you to make himself feel better and transfer the burden of stress in to you. It’s like, ok I told you. I feel good now. It’s your issue. If he really wants to be with you why would he tell you something like this? What good does that do to your relationship? I would rather have someone cheat behind my back, be over it and learn that I’m the best and he won’t ever do it again. Why do I have to be sucked into his guilt trip? So I would ask him thAt. And if you feel inclined then seek professional counseling jointly to determine what the real issues are and if you can resolve them. The hardest thing for you will be whether or not you can forgive and get past this. He put a huge burden on you emotionally which is really selfish.June 18, 2018 at 2:14 pm #708433
Pam if you want to be this cynical about it, it could be because he wanted to tell her himself before someone else told her.
If my SO makes a mistake and has a one-nighter or very short and I mean very short fling then I’m with you, I don’t want to know and it’s your cross to bear not mine. But in some cases like I think this one is, he needed to tell her, she needed to know so they can work together to repair what the underlying issue is in the marriage.June 18, 2018 at 2:29 pm #708437
Well, Pam, sometimes the alternative is that the fling reaches out on facebook with videos of the two of them having sex.
I wish my ex had the balls to tell me. I’d have had more respect for him.June 18, 2018 at 2:31 pm #708438
I have been on both ends of the cheating card. and trust me. You don’t just confess indiscretions. Unless you want a reaction or you want to mitigate risk and the other party cheating with you threatens to expose you. We don’t know his motive. Perhaps that is what she should ask. I also find that most people who cheat only tend to admit to portions of it. Some people cheat and are perfectly happy with a spouse. I had an affair with a married man, and I was married too, for years. And he’s admitted that he had ongoing affairs through out their marriage. I don’t know if she knew or not, I didn’t care. But some people do better when they have someone on the side.
In this case I feel it was a mild indiscretion I’d love to know why anyone thinks it is I need her best interest to know. He flaunted he had sex with another woman.June 18, 2018 at 2:46 pm #708443
Pam, are you from the US? I’m just curious- affairs are a bigger deal in the US than in Europe.
Affairs can also change the dynamic on everything from spousal support to child custody in the event of a divorce (in the US). They’ve ruined careers.June 18, 2018 at 2:52 pm #708446
I agree with Jenny. Had he not confessed they would have both lived in a marriage drifting apart. Now they can at least have a chance to see if they can address the underlying issues.
When a man is remorseful and willing to risk losing her, that shows he wants to fix things.
Selfish is when they admit it and don’t give a crap.June 18, 2018 at 3:09 pm #708455
There are 6-7 different types of affairs depending on what you read. Ranging from because I could to my spouse will not/cannot have sex with me to I want revenge to I want out and this is the only way I think I can get out to whatever else. The OP will have to find out from her HB which kind it was. They are a young couple, married young with two small children. It could be any of those reasons. I hope for them and their children they can work it out.June 18, 2018 at 3:24 pm #708460
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I can’t even imagine how you must feel.
One thing that struck me in your initial message is how you are “assuming he wants to make it work”. Was he clear that he wants to work on things with you?
Otherwise, you need to think of what is best for you. If you have a friend or family member you can confide in that would respect your decision to work on things or to leave, it may help you process your emotions. I just know I could not keep a burden like that to myself, but that’s me.June 18, 2018 at 3:33 pm #708466
I am not sure of the full details behind the relationship between him and the woman. I’m not sure I want to know. I’m hoping he just felt guilty and no blackmail was involved and that he came forth on his own…I believe him when he says it was just occasional sexual encounters. There hasn’t been a drastic change in his schedule, he hasn’t gone on extended trips or anything like that. This might all be wishful thinking but I don’t see where he would find the time to have a full blown affair.
I guess this could count as something “small” that he could have just kept to himself. The situation is like an anvil to the head. This didn’t have to happen to bring us closer. We should have just sat down and talked about our issues and get to the bottom of why we were drifting. But now that it’s out there, there’s nothing I can do but push through. I’m grateful our girls are still infants and don’t understand what’s going on.
The part about it that hurts me the most is that he knows how I felt after giving birth to our girls. I was sad, felt like I wasn’t beautiful, but he always told me I was amazing just the way I was and that he loved me no matter what. His confession makes me feel like he lied to me. Like I’m just as unattractive as I feel. It’s been a year post partem and the feelings were not as strong, but they’ve blown up all over again. How can you tell me I’m good enough for you and then find some young girl on tinder to have sex with?
I am just venting now. There just really is no one I can see myself telling about this right now. All of our friends are mutual. It’s honestly just so ridiculous. Ignorance was bliss and I truly hope this helps the relationship but I don’t see how that’s even possible right now.June 18, 2018 at 3:36 pm #708469
I continue live in the US at the moment, and I fully agree there are a lot of reasons for cheating. I would never flaunt it or admit it to a husband or lover. Unless I had an ulterior motive. I don’t know this situation. Maybe the OP can share whether or not he was at risk to get caught or not, I’m of the opinion that if infidelity doesn’t mean anything and is just a release, nothing good comes from telling your significant other, I’ve sustained very committed relationships and had a few affairs on the side, it wasn’t because I was unhappy at home. It was because most people crave variety. I could never see myself marrying an affair anymore than he could me. Land posed the other day about a big lunch she went to and that all the couples, including those with SO’s didn’t think relationship oils sustain more than 10years of bliss. So what I am
saying isn’t outside of what your own American woman did a poll and validated me. Apparently American relationships fail because you try too hard to avoid the fact that both men and women get off on having extra relationships that usually don’t mean anything but proved a nice buffer that makes us appreciate and stay with a spouse. Of course, if the spouse confessed to cheating I question the real motive.June 18, 2018 at 3:43 pm #708473
Isabelle, yes I believe he wants things to work. He said he doesn’t want to lose me and the girls.
As for telling someone, I will consider it. You’re right, it’s hard to keep it all bottled up. Getting counseling doesn’t seem like the straight forward route I was hoping it would be considering our insurance, so I doubt I’d be able to wait until then.June 18, 2018 at 3:51 pm #708477
Pam, I agree with what you said. There must be a motive behind this confession, but not necessarily a bad one. In OP’s case, her husband might think he is done with cheating and he has put an end to it. Case closed. That’s why he confessed. If it is still going on, he wouldn’t.June 18, 2018 at 3:52 pm #708476
Btw. Some men struggle with having children. I doubt it has to do with how you look but how you act towards him.. I have heard most men feel demoted in a relationship once the kids come along, the woman focuses way more on the babies and then man feels left out, unappreciated and disconnected. So he seeks validation and attention from other women, I’m not saying this is right. I am saying that women can many times take a man for granted after having children and do t make enough effort to show love for their man. I don’t know if that’s the case with you, but it could be. He will continue to cheat unles you change this dynamic. Or he could continue to cheat because he likes variety and no strings. It’s up to you now to figure out with him whether he really wants to make this work or if every time things feel tough he runs to find another woman. I have had married men do this to me all the time. They love the excitement, the newness and the fact they can get attention. If you decide to stay with him you want to understand what motivated him to seek other women. You may or may not like the answer and then it’s up to you to decide, the man I mentioned that I had the affair with was 50 plus years old. Very wealthy. And always had a playmate on the side. It worked for us because I loved my husband but got off on being with a man that all I had to worry about was hot sex and a few hours of emotional attachment, everyone has their own thing. I have no doubt with this guy his wife knew he cheated. But she was set for life financially, had grand kids and many big houses. Hey, she might have been cheating with her personal trainer or Gardner. Everyone relationship is different, here is where I do agree with Emma.June 18, 2018 at 3:55 pm #708478
I disagree. It’s called deflection. If I confess to one discretion I can bury all the others. I don’t know these people, but I do know human nature. And I have lived in these situations. Many times people’ confess to the lesser charge to get off. This is a common tactic outside of dating and in the courtroom or law system. Fess up to lesser charge and the big charges will get dropped.June 18, 2018 at 4:15 pm #708483
I think the stereotype of the affluent women looking the other way while hubby does the maid works because the affluent woman is set. She has money and a lot coming to her if she gets mad.
In most middle class American relationships, with kids, I think there is a trust that is there about the husband STAYING to support the family. I know when my ex cheated, my panic was about our domestic life- ie, am I about to have the rug pulled out from under me, financially as well? A violation of trust occurs- trust that the man (or woman) is there to support your family.
The agony of finding out an ex cheated is sudden uncertainty of a bond. Would more open relationships help? I don’t know. Maybe? But the term homewrecker exists for a reason. I won’t touch married men because I do not want to be the reason some kid gets his homelife busted up. No sex is that good.June 18, 2018 at 5:25 pm #708506
Oh dear, this is a tough one. I too would like to know WHY he confessed. How long ago was the affair? He did go actively looking for it, so it is not a moment of temptation, it is a decision that he has made.
If he TRULY REGRETS what he’s done and told you because he is trying to get rid of his feelin of guilt then he it is a very cruel thing to do to you. Now it is your problem, and a big one. After cheating things will never be the same.
If he is afraid that more things would come out, for example that he’s been doing it several times and this time that women threatened him or someone saw them or something of this type, and then decided that it is better to tell you about ONE affair.
Either way it is a horrible situation for you to be in. You will never trust him again, the integrity of your marriage is broken. That’s why my HB and I decided that we will not do it to each other. We decided that it is not the physical infidelity that breaks people but the fact that you cheated, betrayed your partner. For example, them sleeping with someone else and YOU, without you knowing, you are being put in a very humiliating position. In open marriages people decide whether they would continue to sleep together during this time or not. We decided that we won’t. While we are with someone else we won’t sleep with each other. But it is still very difficult and I am still quite nervous about potential blow back.
Most women can’t forgive cheating. It strikes too deep on too many levels. But you can still salvage your marriage. For example, why don’t you negotiate an open ticket for yourself. You might not use it but you’d have it and knowing this would liberate yourself from feeling humiliated.
I read somewhere that on average it takes 3 years to get over cheating PROVIDED that the partners who cheated is very patient and takes the full responsibility for what they did.
Counselling might help in this situation. You need a third party who’d tell your HB that he needs to take full responsibility. It should not be you.
But I also have bad news. Once you cheat, it is easier to do it again. So this beings me to the question of why he confessed in the first place.
However, if there is true friendship underneath your marital relationship, this can and will make your marriage stronger. You will never love him the same way again, he has lost your love, you will understand it later, but you can still have a very strong unbreakable bond after this, if you manage things carefully.
The bottom line, he needs to drive things. I’d ask all sorts of questions, I would want to know all the details, to analyse things properly, he might be lying, do not exclude this possibility, but then I’d tell him to show you how he can think he can fix this. Put it on HIM and observe him. If he fails to do anything, fails to apologize and express remorse, fails to suggest counselling, then you’d have to do all this yourself.
I am very sorry for what happened. Very sorry.June 18, 2018 at 5:52 pm #708512
No, no, do not tell anyone!! You will regret it!!
Your children will never know also, even if you ever eventually divorce, the children will never hear a peep of the dirty details if nobody knows.. trust me.
You are strong, you can handle this for now. Keep calm.