My Husband Just Confessed to Cheating on Me


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  • #708710 Reply
    LOL

    That’s Emma LOL

    #708732 Reply
    DoubleDuuuuh

    Man, I’ve seen Emma give some crap advice but this really takes the cake. You’re hurting and heartbroken because your husband just confessed to cheating and won’t take any responsibility for it or see a counselor to save the marriage? Just ask him if you can go out and screw another man, that will make it all better. LOL LOL LOL

    #708733 Reply
    DoubleDuuuuh

    No wonder Emma’s husband has to screw other women to make their marriage work.

    #708749 Reply
    redcurleysue

    He is a fool. He is not interested in fixing this. Not good. You see someone…please.

    #708755 Reply
    bedazzle

    Jenny, I never told her to back off.

    I suggested she stop asking him, because it is just upsetting her. She isn’t getting anywhere and getting him to see a counselor together will give them guidance to discuss what is going on and get to the bottom of the issue. There is no point in draining herself emotionally if she isn’t getting anywhere. However, since he isn’t interesting in counseling, I see that as a real problem.

    This is a perfect example of how things can become misunderstood through writing. Ladies, never have important conversations via text or email. Always do it in person.

    #708757 Reply
    Pam

    Wait a minute.. all this discussion was thru text? With a man she lives with? Wtf

    #708759 Reply
    Jenny

    No Pam. It was not, you’re mixing up what Bedazzle just said to me with Maryland’s story. Her conversations with her HB have been in person from what I can tell.

    I got your meaning just fine Bedazzle. I don’t think she should back off asking at all and you do. We do not agree.

    But at this point, with his refusal to see a counselor, I think they should just agree some kind of cooling off period that makes sense to both of them to let the dust settle and come back and start talking from square one. If he is just going to refuse to answer or respond with IDK to some very basic questions, they aren’t going to get anywhere and he needs to understand that at some point.

    #708760 Reply
    Pam

    It’s up to you. I don’t have kids but have had a man cheat on me. And always I walked away.

    #708761 Reply
    Tom

    Hey Maryland-

    So sorry for this happening.

    Here is my take as a guy and someone who has been married “technically” for 27+ years in what would qualify as a loveless marriage. My best friend is a married female colleague w/ a family, and yes, we’re just friends (except on days when I tell her that I’m not a big fan of women at the moment so I take a break from her).

    Anyway, the only reason I’m telling you this is to give you a guy’s perspective based on 20+ years down the road.

    1. The Tinder thing did not happen IMO.
    2. As a guy, your guy friends don’t put you up to crap like this. Nor, as a husband, do you let them put you in a situation like this. You shoot it down and stop it in, maybe…5 secs max. Period.
    3. You accepting some of the blame for him having an affair is absolute nonsense. Him accepting zero of the blame and blaming others is beyond *#$*$#.
    4. Him refusing to do counseling says it all. I know what that tells me. What does that tell you?

    I could tell you so much more. I will give you the same advice that I give my BFF (and she’s still married so far) – Stick up for you. Advocate for you. Don’t accept less from him than you expect & demand of yourself.

    You deserve better than you’ve been getting lately and maybe your husband isn’t the answer. Maybe he is. But you owe it to yourself and your kids to make him man up as a husband, dad, and person. Do you think he would be as understanding as you have been if things were reversed and you cheated on him?

    You will get thru this, maybe with him, maybe w/o him. But you will be stronger and either way, you will become a better version of you! You will have a much firmer grasp of what kind of love you are willing to accept and, more importantly, what type of love you’re damn sure you’ll walk away from.

    GL to you Maryland. I will send you some + mojo. TC

    #708762 Reply
    Jenny

    Applause for Tom!

    #708764 Reply
    lil

    yes second to that, great advice Tom!

    I found myself in a similar situation with my now ex. I used to belive that if i could just be better he would want me, if I tried harder and it was my fault. He didnt want couniling either. We have children, i was a mess for two years until he finally left. during that time I went into crazy spy mode and had a breakdown of sorts. Insane really.

    When today 9 months out from him leaving (he appologized for leaving and I actually thanked him, yes he was suprised that I did that but I realze that he did me one hell of a favour) I am the happiest I have ven been.

    He is alone, broke, sorry. If he was with someone hot, had of not lost everthing $$ and I wasnt doing so great he would be estatic and not feel at all sorry fot what he put me through. The loss of trust will send you mental. What an ass to tell you. He may just like my ex just want out to explore the supermarket of young tinder wormen. Its vacous but addictive.

    please understand yes the kids were sd but I showed them that women can do just fine without a man if need be. He also now respects the hell out of me. A door mat no more. I hope this helps OP.

    #708765 Reply
    lil

    sorry about all the typos, half the time my response will not submit :/

    #708769 Reply
    Jane

    Wow… im so sorry for you. It must be hard.. After everything he just throw it all away.. what a pathetic (rip English) man..

    #708772 Reply
    redcurleysue

    Good advice Tom.

    #708776 Reply
    Lane

    Welcome back Tom…it was nice of you to help a lady in distress :-)

    I’ve been around a lot of cheating being in a military environment for close to 25 years, both in and married to it. I agree wholeheartedly with Tom in that his colleagues had nothing to do with him meeting this lady and having sex with her but I do believe they knew about it and intentionally kept you in the dark.

    My husband did this with a couple of his military buddies. One got caught cheating with one of his subordinates in the dorm, lost rank over it, and he LIED to his wife (married about 10 years) and told her it was something else—she had no idea he cheated! I was DUMBFOUNDED by how all his ‘buddies’ protected his infidelity. She did eventually find out through a different source, not me because you know what happens to ‘the messenger’; however I also know these types of incidents become fodder and spread like wildfire so the truth eventually comes out. She stayed with him but a year or so later met a guy and left him.

    He stepped out because he no longer felt passion in the marriage. A man doesn’t just wake up one day and say “I’m going to have an affair.” No he meets a woman, they start talking, she ignites a spark he hasn’t felt in a very long time and it happens. Its intoxicating and fun, makes him feel alive…for a little bit.

    Stop asking ‘why” he did it because deep down you know WHY—your relationship was closer to ‘roommates’ v. the happy loving couple you once were. He told you because he’s unhappy in this marriage, the affair wasn’t the solution he was hoping it would be and is now telling you that if it doesn’t improve he’s going to check out completely and leave. Its A WARNING sign and I don’t believe counseling is the fix or cure as you’ll just want to keep rehashing it over and over and over. He’s done TALKING about it; whereas if the two of you can’t sit down and come up with an ACTION PLAN on how to reignite the spark and get back to a happier place, then he’ll call it quits.

    I know your still reeling from it and need some time to calm your pain and emotions. But eventually you BOTH need to be involved in getting this marriage back on track by coming up with a ‘game plan’ such as dating again and engaging in activities that the two of you enjoyed and kept the bond/connection going or it won’t work and divorce will be inevitable.

    I know it really sucks it happened this way but know unhappiness/boredom is the most common factor, for both sides, in long-term relationships so your not alone.

    #708777 Reply
    Sir Tim the Bold

    Greetings to all the womyn-born-womyn here.

    Tom thou art a knave and a poltroon,thou art a worm-tounged deceiver of all the fair maidens here. Begone varlet!! Begone knave!! Else I split thy worm eaten head in twain with my beloved battle axe:Gladys!!

    Heed my words base born Tom,heed my words…..!!!

    I live to serve all womyn-born-womyn

    Sir Tim the Bold

    #708782 Reply
    anon

    Emma….
    As a single woman, and someone who went thru cheating, the “idea” of finding a man to offer emotional support and love is nice. Except finding that men is a very difficult and emotionally draining process at times. So take a woman who already feels bad about cheating. Put her on Tinder or Bumble or Ashley Madison- because there aren’t a lot of outlets for married to meet new partners. Let her get ghosted, put down, used for sex, faded on. Maybe throw in an emotional abuser. An avoidant. That’s just going to be great for someone who is already hurt.

    Theoretically it works, but that assumes that there are throngs of emotionally healthy men out there ready to emotionally support a married mother of twins. Yes, she can very easily get her some no strings attached sex, but most women don’t do well with that, mentally.

    So please, take your bad idea and don’t share it.

    #708785 Reply
    Hannah

    I’ve wanted to avoid this post but it’s probably one of the ones I can be most helpful on, so here goes!

    First of all, listen to Tom. He’s absolutely right.

    The reason I wanted to avoid the post is that I’ve been in your husband’s situation but didn’t tell. As I was coming to terms with it all, I joined a married dating site. Not to meet anyone but to talk to others in my situation. I spoke to around 100 men I would say who were all cheating or looking to cheat. I asked them all why.

    ALL of them knew why. The reasons were all about not getting their needs met. They didn’t get enough sex, their wife was just a friend now, they needed some excitement in their life, they needed their ego stroking, etc.

    From my experience and those of others I’ve chatted to, I think he’s lying about his friends and Tinder. Maybe they did encourage him to join, although highly unlikely, and maybe he did chat to someone. But then HE decided to keep chatting, meet and have sex. Even with what he’s telling you and you believe it, he’s not telling you everything.

    Yes he may have changed his settings on his phone. You can find out by asking him to install another app and see if you’re notified. If you are, he’s got an alternative phone. That’s what most people do when they have an affair.

    I have a feeling his affair partner became unstable or he needed to end it and she threatened to tell you. If he was really remorseful, he’d tell you everything and be willing to go for counselling. He’s not remorseful, he’s covering his backside.

    Don’t even think about forgiving him or carrying on with the relationship until you get to the bottom of what happened. He’s broken the seal of trust between you and he’s not doing anything to fix it by continuing to lie to you. If he doesn’t work to fix it, he’ll do this again once this situation has died down. I can pretty much guarantee you that.

    I know a few sneaky ways to find out what’s been going on. First thing is get him to install an app and see what happens.

    #708794 Reply
    Stephen

    “Tom” reminds me of someone I used to be aware of at another forum called ‘Uncle Don’. UD came on strong right from the start portraying himself as womens’ greatest friend. The women were immediately greatly impressed with UD and praised him constantly and consistently. Slowly,oh so slowly UD’s true personality got revealed. He started to make subtle sexual remarks,getting slightly bolder every week.
    To cut a long story short UD slowly over the course of six months demolished his so carefully, so painstakingly constructed fake personality piece by piece. At the end of this time period Uncle Don stood hopelessly and irrevocably revealed as a hopeless late middle-aged daily drunk who was in a lifeless marriage and was seeking out women online for sex. UD was so sex obsessed that even when 99% of the women at that forum had seen completely through him he would try and pass of his obnoxious behaviour on alcohol. UD only vanished for good when he inadvertently revealed that he may have had at one time an incestuous relationship with his daughter!

    #708801 Reply
    Ok

    Poor Stephen. You can’t stand competition of having another man on here. Let’s see UD is a pervert and you have shown yourself to be asexual, a cross dresser, mysoginist, pessimist and hijacker of threads to blog about what your complaint of the moment happens to be.

    #708805 Reply
    Hannah

    Actually Stephen, we know Tom (assuming he’s the same Tom?).

    #708829 Reply
    Tom

    Thanks Hannah.

    Yes, same Tom. Just busy getting my life in order. We take a vow “for better or worse” and have stuck it out thru the worst part.

    I retired a couple years ago after working 3 jobs for the better of 30 years and was exicted to finally spend time w/ my family (& wife). You miss out on a lot of family time when you sacrifice so your wife can stay home. She is a wonderful mother to my kids so at the end of the day – I would do the same. Things don’t always happen like you plan or hope so on to plan B, right?

    Starting a new career and working on improving me the last 9-12 months. So that’s why I haven’t been on here.

    So no Stephen – that’s not me. And no Sir Tim – not me either. Sorry to disappoint.

    I’m not on here to meet women. I have a woman in my life. I’m not a perv, or sex addict whose masquerading as a white knight on a steed. I’m here simply bc I’ve been thru all of this in my life so can add a guy’s perspective on things and help some ppl realize they’re not crazy, they’re not overthinking, that deep down they just need to get out of their ways bc they do already know the answer to things. They just need support and a little push to continue in the right direction.

    Anyway, suffice it to say that there are ppl in the world who don’t operate w/ hidden agendas.

    #708835 Reply
    Tom

    As for you Maryland. Happy Wed :)

    There is a song that I have listened to a lot to help me stay focused when things got crazy. It is titled “A Little Bit Stronger” by Sarah Evans. The lines that work best for me all come after the line “And I’m not hoping we can work it out…”

    GL w/ things Maryland. And know that there are ppl in the world (who you will never know or meet) that are sending you positive energy.

    Always good seeing your name on things Lane, Hannah, Jenny, RCS et al ladies.

    Off to teach my kids fitness class. Happy week all.

    #708843 Reply
    Hannah

    I knew it was you Tom! A warm welcome back!

    It’s really good to hear you’re doing new things. I hope life is happy for you.

    #708845 Reply
    Nalianya kenya

    People change after confession, let her forgive the man

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