This topic contains 25 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Mai 5 months, 1 week ago.
November 18, 2014 at 12:48 pm #375816
I’m hoping for some advice :)
I’m 24 and I’m dating a man turning 40. I have always had boyfriends under the age of 30, I have to admit after dating this man I do not think I can back to dating someone my age.
However my friends look at me with pity. They do not understand why I would be so attracted to someone much older than myself. My cousin thinks I have daddy issues.
I suppose looking at the reletionship I do feel the security and stability of a father, but I love this man because he can handle my emotions, he understands woman a hell lot better then my younger exes. He’s older, more settled and know what he wants in life, by some miracle we connect and have things in common. He’s my best friend, my advisor and my protector. Why can’t people see that? They look at me like I’m some sort of gold digger, or a messed up little girl wanting another daddy, or they look at him and think he’s abusing my youth and naivety. After looking after my cousin who is 30 and her kids (she needs constant attention because she has borderline and bi polar personality) I find it very difficult to connect to people my age, I am unsure why
has anyone here been in a reletionship with a large age gap? I don’t want to just go with my heart or feelings and I feel like a need second opinion apart from friends (who are the same age as me)
December 2, 2014 at 7:06 pm #380268
Hi there! I honestly don’t see a problem with the age difference. Love is love, regardless of age! You can feel love and connect with anyone no matter how large or small the age gap is. Ignore the people who give you problems or judge you. As long as you and your partner know the truth of how you feel about each other, that is all that matters.
I am 23, and I am in a relationship with a man who is the same age as me. However, I am very petite and he is very tall. He looks about 10 years older than me, and people are constantly judging and starting at us when we go. I have also experience the name calling of me being a gold digger because of them assuming an age gap. I know our situations are a bit different, but my point is- regardless of what other people think, you should be with him because you love him. Don’t feel discouraged or hard on yourself because of others!!December 2, 2014 at 7:33 pm #380275
Amanda, when I was 25 I was involved with a man who was 38 and it was fine. And I was married to a man 10 years older. Men exactly my age or younger have never worked out for me. If you and he are happy, then who cares what anyone thinks!!December 3, 2014 at 11:48 am #380445
Amanda, I would agree that if you are happy that’s great. However, some things you need to consider and speak about:
1) Do you both want to get married?
2) Do you want to have kids? If yes, when? He is already 40. I doubt he wants to be retired when his child is still in school.
These are two main things that you need to think about. When you are 24, you still have a lot of time but when you are 40, what are his thoughts?
Also if you want kids and he doesn’t, what then? Do not settle for not having kids just because he doesn’t. You will start resenting him later on.March 7, 2017 at 4:44 am #608519
hey there am 19 and am dating a 35 year old man, i love him or at least i think i do and i want to break the relationship because if my family get to know about it am as good as dead but at the other hand i don’t want to break it because i live being with him, he understands me more than they do at home and he also respects them but am scared of what will happen if they get to know about us and what if he changes…? i have never dated someone who is almost double my age…am starting to think that am possessed or something please help meMarch 7, 2017 at 4:44 am #608520
hey there am 19 and am dating a 35 year old man, i love him or at least i think i do and i want to break the relationship because if my family get to know about it am as good as dead but at the other hand i don’t want to break it because i live being with him, he understands me more than they do at home and he also respects them but am scared of what will happen if they get to know about us and what if he changes…? i have never dated someone who is almost double my age…am starting to think that am possessed or something please help meMarch 7, 2017 at 4:54 am #608525
Are you in college or working? How many other relationships have you had? How did you meet? What do you have in common?
I tend to think 10 years is the max age gap where a reltionship can work. Any more than that and 90% of the time they end in problems. There is a big problem with raising a family because you will want to have kids at different times, or he will be an old father which increases risk of birth defects. You will be his caretaker when he gets old, etc. These worries usually break relationships with major age gaps. But there are always exceptions.
You are just becoming a women and it seems you need to get used to making your own decisions. This is just in general, not only with this guy. I will say that until you are comfortable being in a reltionship for your own reasons and not your parent’s reasons, then you are probably not ready for a serious reltionship at all.March 7, 2017 at 6:00 am #608527
My opinion is, is you really want to be with him then give him chance!
I am currently dating someone who is 20 years older than me, i love it so far. Yes all my surroundings think its bad but they’re not the ones in the relationship, i am!
Therefore to your parents start warming them up to the idea, of what would happen if you were to date an older guy blah blah start making little comments here and there so eventually if you guys end up together in the long term they are warmed up to the idea. For example i started telling my parents about girls who date older men blah blah of course as a mother my mother started getting suspicious if i was dating an older man, so when she asked i answered yes, many questions followed after that but at the end of the day my parents agreed and now im in a very happy relationship and my parents are my biggest support.March 8, 2017 at 12:30 am #608804
I am a 1st year student, i met him at the shops and we actually have a lot in common, we listen to the same kind of music, he read the books that i read and yeah we love spending time together, he understands my goals and supports them , he understands that am still schooling so we don’t do family planing and all that. And i thank u so so much for your honest opinion …
By family am referring to my siblings and cousins because they are all am left with…and i cant tell them anything because whenever i make a decision that they don’t approve they say that am abusing the freedom of not having them around and of not having parents…so i have decided to give the relationship a chance and am not gonna listen to anyone with a negative view of my relationship…so thank u so so much for the insightMarch 8, 2017 at 1:14 am #608824
I think if you don’t have parents and you find a man who’s older, you can get the stability and support from his age that you’re missing.
But also you’re only 19. You’re probably a bit vulnerable. Just keep your eyes and ears open. Make sure this is a good man you can trust.
My mother met my father when she was 19 and he was 29 and separated, not even divorced! But he make a big effort to win her family over. The familty were delighted by the time they got married.
Just make sure you are trusting a man like my father and not someone who will use your innocence against you. Your family will come round if they see he’s a good man and you’re happy.
But you do seem a bit alone in this. Listen to all views. Positive and negative. It helps to keep your mind balanced. You instinctively know what’s right when you hear it.May 29, 2017 at 12:37 am #630154
My boyfriend right is 15 years older than I am , I’m 20 and he’s 35 . He have lots of stuff in common like sports, music , and hobbies. He’s really respectful and responsible, and is very trusting. It’s just that my parents don’t see it that way they don’t like the ideal that he is older than I am . But honestly I don’t care what they say because I’m very very happy with him and we’ve been dating for a year already. Yes I’m still going to school I’m a junior in college and I have a job and he respects that. He is very stable and has a job so that he can provide for the both of us. He’s a very people person and loves being around family an friends , like going on little dates here and then when we can , but I don’t understand what the big Problem is ? We have people who respect and understand us because many people say “love doesn’t matter the age” or ” if you’re happy that’s all that matters” but the. We also have negative people in our path too. But I tell him ” with God in our lives and the Strong Faith we have Nothing can come between Us .
So what should I do I need some ideas and helpMay 29, 2017 at 1:03 am #630155
I’ve always been attracted to older guys and would have no issue dating someone who was 16 years older. However, as Sherri pointed out, when you date someone who’s 40 I think it’s very important that you find out quickly what both of you want from the relationship. It just has to get more serious quicker when you’re dealing with an age difference like that. Do you want kids? Does he? Does he already have kids? Are you ok with that? And so on.
It sounds like you two have a great connection. Don’t listen to what your friends say – a majority of people would never date someone that much older than themselves (or so they say until they meet that special someone and all their previous concerns suddenly don’t matter – I’ve seen that happen far too many times!), so how would they understand? Just explain to them that you love this man and that you don’t need their judgment in your life. You will then see who your real friends are.
I actually have a friend who met her current husband when she was 24 as well. I remember she told me how she just knew he was the one, and 3 months after they met they started trying for a baby (she knew she had trouble getting pregnant, so they needed help and wanted to start trying right away). Today they are happily married with two kids, and everything just happened super quickly for them, but they have the greatest relationship and love each other very much!
So if you love this man, figure out where both of you stand on issues like living together, when you want kids and marriage and take it from there. If you both want the same thing, go ahead.
I wish you all the best
Xx MelodyMay 29, 2017 at 1:40 am #630157
Celine married her manager Rene who was 26 years older. She loved him so much and they shared so much passion for the music. Age is not a factor if it’s the right person for both. It is the person not age that is important in some cases. One has to accept that people do age and have different likes and life experiences. It can be hard to relate for both partners. The problem can become as people age they go through different life stages.. Raising a family is the toughest job one can do and that can put a stress on a marriage specially if it not a healthy relationship. It depends on what you both want. Attraction compatibility common interests and chemistry is important. Odds are more against it not working with too wide a gap. Divorce is so common now with stress. The problems can occur in break down of a marriage financial difficulties or not enough money controlling combative conflict and lack of intimacy affairs addiction and lack of desire common reasons for divorce. Take your time and experience if this is right for both of you.May 30, 2017 at 9:58 am #630510
Yes we both want to get married and have a beautiful little family , thank you for the advice it really helps a lot to get someone else’s opinion into this kind of situations. Honestly yes I have friends who judge my relationship but on the end theirs are a lot worse. I really do love my boyfriend and he is a very respectful caring trustworthy man, and there’s not that many of those type of man left in this world anymore. So yes I believe I made the right decision on having a relationship with him and how I feel about this .May 30, 2017 at 10:03 am #630513
Yes he already has a little boy who is 8 but he still wants to try for a little family with me . And we do want to have kids and keep making our lives worth wild with for our Futute families . But I really see a good point this relationship and I just wish I had the same motivation with others as well . Why can’t people just not judge and respect my choice ! It’s my life not there’s !May 30, 2017 at 10:42 am #630527
Look at Emmanuel Macron, French President. He’s married to a woman 24 years his senior and that’s worked. It is imperative though that conversations take place regarding family, children and future aspirations.May 30, 2017 at 10:47 am #630531
Not everyone is judging. They are probably giving you advice based on experience. You don’t have much life experience.
Some men like younger women like yourself, because you are easy to mold and easily influenced. That said, some men will also divorce you at a certain age, because you ‘aged out’ and he wants another 19 or 2 year old, it happens. Many time the value of a younger woman is not just eye candy, it’s naievity.
In addition, people change as they get older. When you are in your 20s and early 30!s you are still finding yourself and who you are as a person, career, etc.
a man in his late thirties, 40’s and beyond is already established. He is who he is, so the challenge there is you may outgrow each other. You won’t be the same person 10 or 15 years from now. I experienced this with my first marriage. He was 10 years older and by the time I finished college and got a job, I was not the same naive, easily influenced young woman at age 30. So I wanted out of the marriage. He didn’t change a bit. I was the one who changed and he no longer met my needs or interested me.
The very large age difference also means that you will likely become his caregiver if you stay together long enough. That may not sound bad, but at age 40 when you are still in your prime, he might be dealing with chronic illness. You’ll be dealing with an aging husband and aging parents around the same time. Plus handling the kids.
In other situations it works fine, but I would feadup more and experiences of women who took this route. You are young and everything is puppies and butterflies because you don’t know what you don’t know.May 30, 2017 at 11:35 am #630553
First : forgive my english because I’m still learning english. I hope you’ll understand though!
I really thing some of your friends just want to protect you. there are not all “judgy”, they might just want you to not get trapped into and unhealthy , unbalanced and abusive relationship! Because , at your age , you shouldn’t be with this kind of man. you are just too young for that. He is with you because of your yoouth. I’m sorry but a healthy 40 year old men , shouldn’t be looking at women under 35 . Because at 24 , you are still finding yourself whereas he is already etablished. He perfectly knows what he wants, you don’t! ( because if you do, you would had never commented here)
I’m saying that by experience. I’m actually dating a 30 year old man and I will just be 20 in a month. As we are melanated ,physically, I look like a 14 year old and he like a 17 year old. So physically, he is like an athlete , still very strong, sportive and so on… But mentally everyone is saying that I do speak like a 25 because I’m able to have more great deep conversations that superficial ones.
My mom is okay with that, she is 36. But all the men in my life , starting from my dad, uncles they just can stand that. Why ? not because of me , but him! they are scared! They have their vision of men, used to be manipulative , players , fool and whatever. some still. so if you are surrended by this king of men , there is nothing more natural that not wanting that for you and rejecting it. If you were 35 dating a 50 , it would be okay or as you are a 24 dating a 34 , it would be perfect. But 16 is too much as you are still young and he is oldingMay 30, 2017 at 2:17 pm #630584
Just be careful, sometimes people that age have this ‘I know better’ kind of attitude (in reality sometimes they don’t). Don’t let yourself being manipulated. Other than that and less active leisure time, it’s all fineMay 30, 2017 at 4:58 pm #630603
I think any woman who is dating a considerably older man should look for some important points:
Is he single?
If he is divorced, how long was he divorced before you met him? Sometimes when men are back in the dating pool they will definitely try to meet women much younger, sort of an ego boost for them.
Has he introduced you to his family and friends? This applies especially if you have been dating for a few months or more. If he has children, he might want to hold back considerably longer for you to meet them, which is a good idea generally.
Does he seem controlling and/or condescending? Some older men like younger women because they are often naive in the ways of the world.
I know that it is not other people’s’ business about how they think of our choice of partners, but it is a good idea to consider some of the things they might want to tell you, especially the older people in your life. At 19, you are very young.
Trust me, love is wonderful but you need so much more. Look, I am old enough to be your grandmother, in fact I am a great grandmother. I have my beautiful (step) granddaughter living with us for the summer. She is 19 and if she was dating a 40 year old, my husband and I would be very concerned.August 22, 2017 at 12:15 pm #649806
I totally agree with u I’m dating someone who is 16 yes older than me and I wouldn’t trade him for the world I love this man…. He knows what he wants in life and he such a great listener…August 22, 2017 at 1:42 pm #649825
I think you should learn to not care about what others thing but what works for you when it comes to love. There are many couples that others think are mismatched and they are the best couples that can be. This can manifest in many ways, I have friends where the guy is like twenty centimeters shorter than his wife and many laugh at them but they are really happy with kids, great couple and they do not care about it at all.
When I first dated a much older man, think 16 years, I used to be ashamed publicly in the beginning also because he was very wealthy and many would think I am after his money which I did not know about in the beginning and did not care anyhow. The relationship ultimately failed in part due to the fact that people started telling him that I was after his money, also I was much better looking than him. But he was the first guy I chose not based on looks and other external factors and the chemistry was great.
I dated several other older men and they worked the best for me. What is hard is that there can be a cultural gap, they also want different things in life, are in a different life stage, many do not really want a family anymore, even more baggage. The worst is that most of these guys have narcissistic tendencies and can be quite controlling.
Still, I did not often have a good relationship with a guy my age, I had one. The others did not really work for me. Younger is a disaster to me. Only for something casual if you may.
Care about what and who makes you happy, not what others tell you that should make you happy.January 3, 2018 at 8:15 pm #676795
I’m 19 and currently dating a man almost 16 years older than me. We have absolutely everything in common and love doing the same things. The conversations are endless and last for hours on end. Sadly, it’s long distance so I do not get to see him physically very often.
My concern is, I know this will last but I also value my youth and the experiences that come with it. He doesn’t adhere too much to expectations of behaviour in his age group (often people around that age don’t anyway) so I have had many of such experiences so far with him. However, I get very jealous when he talks about his past. I feel that when we move together I might not have the chance to live out similar experiences he had. I probably idealize his youth too much but that’s because we’re so similar that what he had is exactly what I want out of my twenties.
My question is now, is it possible to date and older man who is aging and will possibly want different things out of life in some years and still get a lot out of youth? I think I could hang out with his friends but do you think he could hang out with mine? I like people from out of my generation more anyway but I’m worried it’ll be weird. I love him a lot and I’ll be willing to give it up but I want to know how I can have both.
I know it’s pretty shallow but we’ve been dating for about a year and I’ll be going off to university soon after prep. That’s the turning point.
Help me ease my mind here. Thanks.January 3, 2018 at 8:27 pm #676798
It would be better if you made your own post instead of posting on an old thread. Anyway, I don’t think you are being honest with what you are asking: is it possible to live the life of a young 20 something if you are dating a man in his late 30s? Well some of it. You can go to college and go out with your friends. But obviously you won’t date around like he did. In certain ways you will mature more than your age as you guys build a life together. Do you want kids? Did you think about when to have them? If you want to wait he will be an old father which comes with risks. Basically, marrying someone this much older comes with lots of draw backs especially when you will one day care for him in his old age, assuming it lasts. But if it doesn’t (and there is a big chance it doesn’t) then you might think you “lost” your early 20s with him. You need to decide what you think is right…January 4, 2018 at 8:53 am #676863
I think you just need to proceed with caution. I date younger men. LMAO.
But I have noticed among 40 something men that date younger that there are a few red flags:
1. Guys that care basically about your appearance. I’ve dated men who dated 20 something women, and most commented on my appearance a lot, and made derogatory comments about older women’s looks while not being all that themselves. This is a guy that wants a trophy and you’d better stay a trophy.
2. Guys that want a follower they can shape. This is the scary one. They try and shape you into what they want and they want unquestioning obedience. It’s harder with older women.
I do think that sometimes young and old can just click and its good. I’m dating a guy 10 years younger than me, and we have fun and the age isn’t an issue. He feels good with me. I also know that I have dated younger men and it’s been about my ego…. :/ and not the right reasons.