Am I the problem ?

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This topic contains 20 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Emma 1 year ago.

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  • #635463 Reply


    Just moved in w my boyfriend and we are having a reoccurring fight about finances

    We live in one of the most expensive cities in US br the apartment is paid for through corporate housing my bf gets at work. Agreement is that I cover all other expenses (groceries, electric, cable, household supplies, laundry). I think this is fair but lately I am a bit frustrated for a few reasons:

    1) whenever we are shopping he puts personal items in the cart and then says “I’ll pay you back” when I say I am not buying that. He doesn’t pay me back and when I bring it up he makes me feel bad by saying I am cheap and they are inexpensive and he pays the rent. Then I feel guilty but I did not ask him to pay the rent it was his idea.

    2) he also expects me to continue to contribute to cabs, food orders, and other things but I am a having a hard time doing so as i am feeling resentful since he seems to have a lot of cash since the rent doesn’t come from his paycheck so I feel a bit strained for money and he gets annoyed saying if I am at my budget I don’t have to take from his.

    3) my next point is that I try to ask him about his budget, savings goals, etc since he knows mine but he is not forthcoming. He says he doesn’t have savings goals and that his budget shouldn’t matter to me.

    So, I am a bit frustrated as this keeps coming up and we are both not happy w something. Perhaps I am being unreasonable but if so, how can I see this from a different perspective?

    This is making me reconsider him as a life partner as I feel as though he is holding rent payment over my head.

    #635471 Reply


    Money issues is the number one reason marriages break up. I am sure you can see why.

    It does sound like he has got a sweet deal going for his end. I am sure you do not make as much money as he does so in some ways this is not totally fair.

    You made your first agreement not knowing all the little things that went along with it so it may be time to negotiate again. I would take a normal rent and figure your half…and see if that is the amount you are paying in utilities and food…food is expensive. If you are paying more than half an average rent then that is part of the problem.

    When you order food and he has not paid for products he put in the grocery cart just tell him he can pay for all the food since he owes you.

    If he balks at things being fair I would be gone…

    #635472 Reply


    So talk to him …

    Be prepared to move out?

    #635478 Reply


    From what you described he sounds cheap and uncaring. I just couldn’t leave with a guy who was so petty and cheap that he keeps bringing this stuff up. And money disagreements are serious. I suggest you get couples counseling if you want any hope of this working long term.

    #635497 Reply


    I make a higher base Salary

    #635502 Reply


    Im very mellow but your guy would so totally piss me off. He isnt paying the rent and if the city is expensive so are the additional costs. So basically the fact that you live im an expensive city is covered for him but you have to cough it all up. Maybe he is really thick in the head thinking he is providing both of you with a good house but generous he is not. You really need to talk to him calmly about the fact that this isnt working for you.also raven is right. Can you afford your own place of it comes to that?

    #635503 Reply


    He sounds like an ass. Dump him and move out.

    #635507 Reply


    Before you dump the dude, i could also make the argument that its you making it all about the money. Like going through the shopping cart and pick out his little personal items and decide you dont want to pay for that. So youre both not very generous. Renegotiate money

    #635509 Reply


    He is cheap. I would not put up with this. I would move out. The financial issues will only get worse if you marry him. Run now while you still have a chance. He is either saving all his money or is spending it on who knows what. Very unfair.

    #635516 Reply


    I would not move in with someone with so much unknown.

    Relationships are about working together. I think you’re feeling resentful because you agreed to a living situation you’re uncomfortable with….and to be honest, for good reason.

    It doesn’t seem like either of you are wanting to come together as a team.

    If it were me, I wouldn’t date a man who saw something he’s getting for free as acceptable to be “his financial contribution”. It’s great that his company provides housing for him, however this should be a joint benefit to both of you, not just him.

    What you have right now is a roommate you have sex with. As he sees it, just pay your “rent” and stay out of his personal business and everything will be okay.

    #635534 Reply


    I guess I’m not the problem…

    I’m going to talk to him but I’m not sure how to bring it up

    #635549 Reply


    Wow he’s got a sweet deal… This is not ok. You definitely need to discuss and determine if he’s a good partner material to you.

    #635558 Reply


    Im not sure if I can leave him because of this — I did agree to it however I did not understand just how much I would be spending.

    I work for a company that produces hair care products and thus I get them for free. I don’t consider these free hair care products I bring home for us to be a “contribution” however, I do want to feel like it counts for something. I guess I can understand how this could be compared to his situation?? I’m not sure that might be a stretch.

    Before we moved in we have a very long discussion about this and I told him I felt that his company paying for housing is simply not the same as him paying it out of his paycheck. He got pretty upset and said this wasn’t a gift or free money but was his salary that he worked for and if I wasn’t ok with the agreement I could pay him my half of the rent and then we could split everything. I’m not comfortable giving him my half of the rent since he would essentially be profiting from it…. but he doesn’t see it this way.

    Does anyone sympathize with him or am I delusional and need to let him go?

    #635559 Reply


    Also, I couldn’t afford a place of my own and would have to find a roommate if I were to move out.

    #635564 Reply


    Get a roommate…
    This guy is no good 😐

    #635651 Reply


    I sympathize a tiny bit for him as i think that many fights over money have caused him to dig in deeper when it comes to telling how much money he has etc. But all in all, you just started living together but it doesnt show much coupleness so far. Maybe because its new or maybe because both of you still identify more as indivuals and less as a couple.
    When it comes to the arrangment. I think you should offer to pay for all expenses that have to do with housing and split the cost of food etc. Your guy has to eat right? So if you were not there he would have to pay for it.
    When it comes to him being a good partner. I really cant tell. What you told here, doesnt sound good. You might want to think back about how he was when you were dating. Was he generous or not?

    #635668 Reply


    I think he is worried about me taking advantage of him so he is trying to make things “even”. Since I make more money, the amount I contribute to the household supplies and food was supposed to make it so we both had the same amount of monthly income to spend/save.

    I will revisit the food area. It is becoming a bit extreme as all appliances needed for the new house are falling on me and although he compromises saying we don’t need the most expensive ones, I feel a bit annoyed at him not contributing to this. So perhaps he can shell out more for the kitchen in general.

    Overall he is a great partner and very loving and supportive. I feel like I am a priority and we trust each other 100%. This is a reoccurring issue and it makes both of us seem selfish. when we were dating he was good about paying for dates/trips although we did have a couple talks about how much I can contribute as I pretty much expected him to keep paying for everything after we were a couple and he couldn’t really afford that. I do hope we can find a way to make things work but perhaps we are just doomed ☹️

    #635669 Reply


    If the company pays the rent, you pay for all living expenses, then what is he paying for?
    Have you thought about the idea that he makes way less money than you think and is embarrashed about it?
    Take care, hope you can solve this so both of you dont build up resentment

    #635678 Reply


    I left the love of my life over money!
    We were young, but the argument was the same, almost…
    He wanted us to half everything and have our own of what was left (he wanted me to live with him) and l wanted to put it all together, pay what we should and save/split/share the remainder. He earned more money than me (even though we had the same job (nurses)) and he just would not agree – even though his way l would be left with next to nothing!..we argued,faught and ultimately fell out – silly ass he was!!!
    I would say, speak to him, but always keep your financial independence – it is as important to a woman as it is to a man, if not more so.
    If he can’t be ‘equitable’ get rid.

    #635729 Reply


    I think that you’re paying too much. You are even paying for the appliances? That is so unfair.

    Talk to him and actually both of you draw up a financial ‘report’ about how things are at this point in time. There are changes since you both discussed this arrangement not so long ago.

    #635735 Reply


    Even if you make a higher salary than him good will is what matters. And he is showing you none. He is benefitting from the circumstance and from having a GF with a good income who pays for all groceries and in addition his personal items.

    It is understandable that he doesn’t want you to take advantage of him but how are you taking advantage of him? What is HE losing?

    Asking and insisting that you pay for his personal items is very low. I don’t know how you can continue living with him and having sex with him after this to be honest. I’d be permanently turned off. LOL

    Does he at least buy you things? Gifts, jewelry?

    If you can’t afford a place on your own, find roommates or rent a room or two somewhere. You will also save on groceries because women eat much less than men.

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