Young & Still New to Dating. Any advice from experience


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This topic contains 8 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Ella 2 weeks, 5 days ago.

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  • #783566 Reply

    Ella

    Hi,
    I am 21 years old in college and I was seeing this guy for a couple of months, met his family we were exclusive for that time, but not real discussion of where it was going besides the fact we both liked each other a lot, and were both looking for something serious. Well, I guess things got a little bit too serious for him and he said he wasn’t interested in a romantic relationship anymore, and I think it was a slow buildup for like a month until he told me, after we started getting a bit sexual, and things were connecting real well, but I could just tell something was off. I am still hurting a couple weeks later. I felt such insane chemistry with him, but I knew the writing was on the wall the whole time deep down. He would vaguely mention “I was seeing this girl…” “this girl i was seeing…” he wouldn’t be doing this maliciously but I could tell immediately he is the type of guy that has these 2-4 short term relationships, either he is waiting for the right one or just likes to hop around.Nothing was majorly a red flag though, this just rubbed me wrong a bit. Obviously now this makes more sense. After we first had sex, it was 9 months since I had it (i didn’t tell him this, and i had other opportunities for sex but i was waiting for someone who was worth it..THAT i did tell him. How i viewed that sex was important to me, and i was clearly nervous.) Things felt good after that though and he was responsive. a couple days later, he wanted to take me out to meet his family. I was shocked. That went well. We had sex again, a lot more passionate and connecting…but we were both unable to finish as we had a bit too much to drink after out with his family. I told him I felt a bit embarrassed I couldn’t get him to finish and he said no no you’re fine, and hugged me. We both went to sleep late,and got food next morning together, but I knew something was off. I kept blaming myself that it was the sex part. And I even am telling this myself now since I am taking longer to move on. Him ending things was amicable. him saying I didn’t do anything wrong, I am amazing, I deserve someone that doesn’t send mixed signals, and won’t change their minds. I can’t help but keep thinking I did something wrong..even though he is telling me the times together had “great energy, tons of fun, no bad vibes whatsoever, I really liked you”. I hope if I did do something wrong, he would have told me. I think it was more of a he realized he didn’t want to commit (he is a senior graduating this spring), and he told me he wasn’t going to be trying pursue a romantic relationship in the near future (I think that was rubbish).

    Basically, I am having trouble moving forward. This was the first guy that I actually really wanted to try something emotional, (my ex bf I didn’t really like him, I fell into the idea of love more so) and now I just feel burned. The winter blues aren’t helping either. I want to put myself back out there, but I feel so mentally gross. The idea of going out to a bar and mingling, let alone go on a dating app, when all I wish was that I was with him makes me feel worse, let alone I don’t want to lead anyone on and use them as an emotional crutch. I thought for a moment of going back down the route of casual sex, but that leaves me feeling even emptier. I really want to focus on me, I got a great job opportunity this upcoming Spring and Summer, and should be ecstatic I even got offered the job! I was chosen out of fifty candidates! Yet, I have little to no motivation. Even getting a shower is difficult for me and properly getting dressed.I have been going to the gym everyday, but I feel mighty alone, my self esteem is low regardless. I also feel the need to truly, properly, move on from him before I can start dating again. And I keep replaying times together in my head. Honestly the only reason I believe this worked out so well was because I waited until I was fully moved on from my ex, and felt excited about dating again, and then he popped up. So I need to do that again. I just don’t know how. Its like you climb up this mountain, just to be knocked down, and need some time before you wanna try again. I know I am young, and I definitely feel this pressure to be dating at this age, since it will just get supposedly worse and harder as I get older. Any advice at all would be great.

    #783570 Reply

    Gracelyn

    You can explore new avenues like networking, school activities, etc.

    Find what you like best.

    Be open to interacting with men that you find interesting and have shared interests with.

    You can try to build a friendship first (but sometimes that can be hard if there’s non-platonic attraction).

    Above all just try to take your time and have fun with it.

    #783573 Reply

    LaFrance Thibodeaux

    Ella,CONGRATULATIONS on your job!..I wish you more success in the future!..You stated that this guy has had some short term relationships on different occasions..Its safe to say that he has more experience in the dating world than you..Theirs nothing wrong with that..I advise you to get some experience as well..You dont have to rush into sex or a relationship with anyone..Be confident & date with standards!..Dont expect to much from guys these days because some women go for whatever the guy wants..WRONG!..Always have a voice but listen also..Follow your intuition & try to understand that every guy you come across isn’t meant to be your boyfriend or future husband..Understand that you dont have to base your life on what goes on in society!..You have no reason to feel down or to feel played about anything..Pull yourself together & live!..This wont be the last time someone flakes on you..Hope this helps!..

    #783585 Reply

    Jo

    You will see over and over again on this site men leaving after 2-3 months. This is the amount of time they take to decide if they’re feeling it for you. It’s not a reflection on you, but this guy just decided you’re not a match for whatever reason. It was nothing you did.

    Google “the 7 stages of how men fall in love” if you want to understand men more.

    #783599 Reply

    Lane

    Trust me it had nothing to do with the sex! Men understand what “whiskey d!ck” is as alcohol inhibits their ability to properly masturbate, they know it, so don’t worry about those things unless there has been a pattern of it without alcohol.

    He’s only experienced what is known as “lust” or “infatuation” (look it up) which is very common in the early phases of dating. During the lust/infatuation stage it makes men say or do things when their mind is clouded by a flood of feel good hormones (pheromones, dopamine, endorphins, etc.) until the hormones begin to taper off and naturally begin pulling back to determine if their feeling are real or temporary. If they can’t get you out their head, miss you terribly, and are naturally [key word] compelled to be with or around you then its more likely to grow into “love.” If they don’t then it was a case of temporary infatuation naturally stop the process of wanting to spend time with you.

    My youngest son is 27 and admits he’s never fallen in love. He has only been able to get to the infatuation stage, first 2 – 3 months, when his initial feelings for her begin to wane and no longer wants to continue as he sees no reason to continue with a lady he’s not envisioning a long term future with. He even stated they are great ladies, and it had nothing to do with them personally but it was something within him that just wouldn’t let him go any further so he stopped and ended it. I told him, when you meet her you will know as it will feel different than what you’ve experienced thus far and that its best he hold out for the right one than settle for anyone.

    I know it sucks when you’re young and feel all these great feelings with a new guy but that’s really all they are, “feelings” and anyone who has feelings knows that they are, in most cases, temporary in nature before they begin to fade and you no longer feel strongly about them. This is why the first few months is the most dangerous territory of a romantic courtship because you don’t know if the initial feelings you felt are going to fade or grow. Only when you’ve surpassed at least 6 months and they continue to grow and strengthen to the point you feel totally safe and secure in the relationship, as it is much CALMER (opposite of infatuation) and you feel totally assured that you’re heading towards a long-term commitment. Only then can you know if its love, lust or infatuation.

    For instance, my BF and I have been together over three years where our relationship and love has continued to grow and get stronger with time—that’s what a long-term loving and committed relationship looks and feels like. A year is good benchmark to go by. Until you reach it then its most likely going to be short and temporary and need to set your expectations accordingly.

    #783652 Reply

    Better off single

    Its going to take time to let it fade. Take it one day at a time. It will get better. You will be ok. Hopefully he doesn’t make his presence known daily so you can get over it and move on faster.

    Its like you climb up this mountain, just to be knocked down…there are other mountains to climb.

    When you stop focusing so much on how you feel and focus on what you got to do for you instead, (like going to the gym daily) things will start falling into place and you won’t be wasting your time. Stay focused on you.

    I went through something like you did recently, felt the same things you felt. I didn’t shower for 3 or 4 days because i was so sad and still i pushed myself to stay focused. On the 4th day I realized it was just the meth he was on (deal breaker) that made it so intense and fun because of the dopamine overload and realized I deserve someone with a sober mind. The funny thing is a guy with the same birthday as his and is sober has been giving me attention and honestly, I’m not feeling it because right now I don’t want to commit to anything other than bettering myself so I can see where your guy is coming from.

    I read an email from sabrina once talking about her husband and how they weaved in and out of each other’s lives. So you never know what the future holds. Worrying about it keeps you entertained but won’t get you anywhere. Keep moving forward.

    #783656 Reply

    Jenny

    As hard as it may feel now, this will pass. I remember the feeling of no motivation after a heartbreak and how I too kept replaying things over and over in my mind. Like others have said, allow yourself to feel sad. At the same time, try to get out there and do things you normally would enjoy. Even if you don’t really feel like it. It helped for me at least. Gradually, the pain will subside. There is someone else out there for you. :)

    #783679 Reply

    redcurleysue

    True love both ways does not come on every bus….there are lots of misses. Know that is a given and take your time before giving your heart. You will love again…know that.

    #783837 Reply

    Ella

    Thank you all for the input. I am feeling a bit better, and every time I want to replay stuff in my head I tell myself its my ego still hurting a bit. Trying not to take this personally! I am now having a bit trouble removing him from social media, it ended amicably, and I muted him but I don’t like him just sitting there ( I also blocked him from viewing my stuff), but we still are following. I don’t know why its so difficult to remove someone…..I wish I didn’t take this stuff so seriously, but I know this will help my move on process.

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