Why would a guy say he’s not ready to be with somebody even if its just for fun

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This topic contains 12 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Anon 4 weeks ago.

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  • #815416 Reply


    Quick story.

    I met this guy he’s 34 years old I’m 27, we’ve seen each other 3 times (2 dates), had sex (which was awesome), we planned to go on another date but he cancelled saying he’s not ready to be in any kind of relationship even if it’s just for fun and sex…
    I was surprised because : no relationship is one thing but NO SEX?
    anyway he said he needed to be alone for now.
    so I’m confused.
    In your opinions, what are the reasons?

    #815432 Reply


    1. everyone is different. he might not be in a space to be vulnerable with anyone right now, or isn’t over an ex, and being sexual or intimate just makes him sad that it isn’t with him/her.

    2. maybe he has another FWB thing and doesn’t need more than one.

    3. maybe he just doesn’t like your face, your personality, your voice? maybe you look too much like a cousin of his and it’s weirding him out. it could be anything

    #815434 Reply


    Often the appeal in someone is not so much the act of sex itself but conquering them sexually. Once that’s done, the interest in the person is done too.

    #815450 Reply


    Anderson said it perfectly! Sex is an act that has nothing to do with feelings. emotions, or wanting to ever do it again with that person. I’ve had a few over my lifetime and it was a one and done, hit it and quit it, roll in the hay…where I had ZERO desire to ever see them again. You are taking all the fun out of a One night stand :)

    #815461 Reply


    “Sex is an act that has nothing to do with feelings.”

    what? i mean, that might be true for some but those people are repressed emotionally and probably lousy in the sack.

    #815494 Reply


    Perplexing but It’s very true . Especially for men, sometimes women too depending on circumstance . People can have sex and enjoy it but it doesn’t mean there are real feelings or potential for feelings . Yes I mean of course there are “feelings” like this is amazing and fun etc and I am enjoying myself with this girl RIGHT NOW . they’re not emotionless robots . But it doesn’t always translate to the more emotional connection side of things

    #815495 Reply


    Nah, being repressed or unskilled has nothing to do with it. Some attach feelings to sex. Some don’t. Simple as that. Doesn’t make one worse than the other.

    It’s possible for one person to do either too. For me it depends on the person i.e. sex is all I want with majority of the women I meet. And most of those, it’s just to conquer them = one night stand. Forget actual sex, there are even a handful who I lost interest after sexting or nudes. What I want with someone gets established very early/rapidly upon meeting them. Some combination of looks and character.

    This might make you think, “Okay I get the only-sex or conquering appeal. That’s what I want with this guy too! So what’s the problem?” Except sometimes there is no appeal in sleeping with someone, again or at all, who gives themselves freely/easily.

    Don’t get cynical. I don’t pursue women knowing full well I want to only pump and dump them. But it wasn’t until ~25 I got self-aware about this. Or maybe part of me didnt care or I wasnt mentally strong enough. Because I did make a few attempts to deceptively conquer women who I knew wanted an actual relationship instead, but I remember my annoying conscience kicking in, or me giving up because they would’ve taken way too long to put out.

    Very occasionally, I meet someone and want more than sex/conquering. And yes there is emotion and intimacy associated with sex. Barring one fwb, those are only the women I’ve been with in a relationship with or seriously pursued. Again, sex and its pursuit is not entirely about getting off but power and what strokes one’s ego.

    #816672 Reply


    “For me it depends on the person i.e. sex is all I want with majority of the women I meet. And most of those, it’s just to conquer them = one night stand.”

    you are – guaranteed – lousy in the sack, and those women probably go home and finish themselves off

    #816678 Reply


    Cara, i think you have a hard time understand male ways of thinking. And well Anderson is one of very few males willing to give his perspective. Instead of insulting how good he is in bed (and im sure he doesnt care at all) youre better off taking notes. Many men can have sex without any emotions. And even good sex they may not want to repeat as they are aware more sex leads to higher expectations of women and they may not want to adress that.

    #816679 Reply


    That doesnt mean i dont agree with your statement. I think that off those men al lot are solely focussed on getting off and dont care a lot about their partner

    #816697 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I am honestly confused by the original question. Men are not mindless robots who only want sex. They are human beings with thoughts and emotions, and (like everyone) they have personal issues and baggage. The guy told you he is not ready for any kind of relationship, even a casual one based on sex. Why is that so hard to believe?

    I also agree with the commentary that men can have sex without involving their emotions (my bf and I have actually discussed this topic). But it doesn’t mean they don’t HAVE emotions, or that their emotions can’t be engaged at some point down the line. So OP, this guy had sex with you a couple of times, and now he doesn’t want to any more because he’s not in a mental place for that kind of situation. That’s totally legit and believable.

    #816735 Reply


    @cara, that is quite the overreaction. But understandable if you’ve been hurt by a ONS or similar in the past that’s lead you to insult anyone who merely talks about sex and primal instincts. If you’d read the rest of my comment, you wouldn’t conflate my urge to do something with actually doing it. Quite the opposite actually. Not that it matters. My only goal here is to give advice or transparent insight. So insults, and even praise, feel pretty redundant.

    Next time, try to understand (not the same as agreeing) a perspective that clashes with your experience or worldview. It’s a useful habit to develop. Or you could continue getting triggered and throwing baseless assumptions. If you do, please do make the roasts more creative and spicy. It makes for good entertainment ;-)

    #816749 Reply


    Most likely he’s married or has a girlfriend- great sex- but he has an obligation to someone else- hence the no response. There are many out there. I’m amazed at the extent men will go to have sex- constant communication, interest, etc. once they’ve had their fill- they’re gone. It’s sad but true. It’s too bad they don’t communicate this from the beginning.

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