Why the sudden change

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This topic contains 10 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Raven 1 week, 2 days ago.

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  • #801550 Reply


    I was seeing a guy before quarantine, we had been seeing each other once a week for about 3 months, it was going great but we hadn’t committed to a relationship. We quarantined in different cities, and now I’m back in my usual city, and he was supposed to be back soon too, but due to the pandemic situation, he won’t be back now for at least a few more months. Originally, we were off and on with texting, but then 2 months ago, we started sending a couple of messages every day, basically one long conversation. Most of it was very joking or lighthearted, but it was fun and a way to stay in touch. Around a month ago, we started texting a bit more, though it was still lighthearted, which I also don’t mind, like I’m perfectly happy not having to talk about serious heavy stuff during a pandemic. I noticed once he joked a couple times about seeing each other again, I would send back something witty and funny but would not confirm or deny whether we’d see each other again (I wasn’t trying to play games or be evasive, I was just trying to send something witty back, I noticed this after the fact), and he kept on bring back up seeing each other again until I realized and agreed I was excited to see him again. It looked like we had somehow gotten through being separate going through quarantine for longer than we had seen each other in person.

    Then fast forward to now. He just let me know about getting the news about not coming back for a few months, and since then, I think he’s gone more cold, and it’s been a sudden shift. But the weird thing is I think he found out the news himself a few days before he told me, and for those few days he was still just as enthusiastic with me. Even the day before he told me, he hinted about meeting up again. Looking back, I think he tried to bring it up subtly earlier but it was so broad I took the conversation a different direction on accident. He brought up the same subject a second time, and this time it came up that he wouldn’t be back for a while. And once he sent this one message, he’s been colder, taking more time to respond, being more polite it feels. We still are messaging, but it’s gone down suddenly to one message a day (he used to respond within a few hours but now he waits like half a day before responding), but while he’s not as warm as before, it’s not like he’s giving just one word answers, he is still keeping up conversation, asking me questions, etc.

    I’m confused about why the sudden shift from him? I also don’t know what he wants, like if he wants to not keep up daily messaging now, and maybe only check in like once every week or less, now that it’ll be longer. But I can’t tell, he’s keeping up the conversation. I also don’t know if it’s because he doesn’t know what my thoughts are on his delay, since I’m back in our usual city so if anyone’s in a position to look for someone else, it would be me, though I’m highly cautious of meeting strangers now because of the current situation. What should I do? It doesn’t appeal to me to keep someone guessing or play games like that, but obviously a lot can happen over a few months that we can’t predict or make promises. I just don’t like the way it seems to be going now, where I (and maybe him too) are just not going to know, so we’ll just be content to not know (or pretend to be content) and assume about each other whether we still want to see each other later, whether we still want to keep in touch, and how we want to keep in touch.

    #801640 Reply


    Any man you only saw once a week for 3 months and not committed has not changed. They were never that interested. Any man who is not your boyfriend in actions and words by 3 months will never be.

    That said, it is most likely that men are more rational and the current situation has no end date so staying engaged has no real end game.

    #801646 Reply


    I would pull way back by not being so available to him as you should have better things to do than responding to a guy you are just chit chatting with, like a pen pal. Stop engaging in idle banter with him. Let him do all the initiating by putting him on the back burner and keep your options open by meeting other guys.

    You are SINGLE and should be mingling with other men and people (gals and guys), not waiting around for a maybe guy. If a man isn’t stepping way up, that’s your cue to start stepping out. Due to the circumstances I wouldn’t give any man this much *wiggle room* but I wouldn’t be available to him so easily either—men want they work for and earn and if they aren’t doing all the heavy lifting then you don’t lift them up, period.

    #801696 Reply


    It is amazing how emotionally invested some women can get so early on. Just try put him on a shelf. Mirror his texts.

    #801703 Reply


    I guess I’m just confused about whether he wants to keep something up now, or just leave it up in the air for later. And it seems to make sense to just stop talking now and see if we reconnect later, but knowing myself, I wouldn’t message someone after months of not talking and leaving it on a “we’ll see” basis, even if I really liked the person.

    And for instance, today after a day of silence he messages me again. And he offered his help with something concrete. Though this could be because he knows I’m unlikely to take him up on the offer (that’s something I do with everyone, so he’s probably picked up on that part of my personality by now). But if I did take him up on it, it’d be difficult for him to back out without seeming quite impolite.

    With regards to pulling way back, would that be playing games? I’m generally very responsive and talkative, to anyone, like friends, family, guys, acquaintances, coworkers, etc. And I also live my life too, it’s not like I’m constantly waiting by my phone for everyone in my life, but if I have a quick second, I respond to everyone, it doesn’t take much effort from me. So honestly being less available would be like intentionally avoiding him only.

    But I’d also not rather kill the spark or liking we have with each other through mundane conversation for months. I’ve been just playing it by ear for the past two months, like if it starts to feel like we’re both getting bored with this, then find a way to end it, but otherwise just go along with it and just put in 50% of the effort.

    #801756 Reply


    If you’re “confused” or you have to post here to ask… you should stop wasting your time and energy on him, he’s not that interested and he’s just keeping you on the hook for an ego kick and for possible use later when it suits him. Hint: the less you care… the more they care.
    Let him do all the contacting. Don’t break speed records responding. And forget about him. Until he really steps up and shows he’s for real.

    #801758 Reply


    Wth, are you the return of Omg? Its lighter but stern

    #812648 Reply


    OP here: Wanted to update and ask for advice on potential course of action

    Basically, I don’t like playing games, and I think this situation is in some ways unfair to everyone. By everyone I mean me, potentially the guy this post is mentioning, and any new guys I meet currently, because I am out living my life still. If I meet a new guy, which I have been talking with other guys, I wouldn’t feel comfortable going on a date (or more dates) while still talking to this original guy every day, not for my own emotions, but because it feels wrong to me as someone who values transparency. It just feels like in this situation, someone’s like a clear backup, I’m not sure who, but that’s not what I want to do to anyone and I’m going to stick with these values. As in I’m afraid I’ll start to probably in my mind treat either the original guy or the new guy as a backup to the other.

    I’m looking for answers and advice to this one question in particular: I want to end this ambiguous pen-palling with the original guy. But I don’t just want to call it off with him, because I do like him and I would be interested in giving this a chance at something more. And originally, I planned to wait after we met back up in person, see how we connect again when we are in person together, and go from there as to whether to try to move towards something more. In the meantime, I live my life, and if something changes, cross that bridge when I get there. And I get that in person is better since it’s so hard to know and maybe we need more time to truly know whether we are a good fit for each other. But on the other hand, I think he probably knows why he’s messaging me, whether it’s because he wants to try to connect and develop something when we’re back in person, or he’s bored, or he thinks of it as like fwb, or who knows. But he’s also not a shady person, he’s not the shallow player guy stereotype who strings girls along lying to their faces, so I’d get a genuine answer regardless if I asked.

    I think I’m at the point where I want to know why he’s keeping up messaging me. But I don’t know how to ask, I’d prefer to do it as gently and respectfully as possible. And I also don’t know if I should ask because maybe this is pushing it at an uncertain time, like it’ll sound too pushy and drive him away.

    The question boils down to: ask or not, and if yes how to ask. The way I see it: if he’s not going to commit, he’s an honest enough person to tell me straight up, so that would be in favor of asking. Then we’d never talk again, it’d be a minor awkwardness but nothing lost because we’d never interact again. If he says no, I’ll move on. But, if there might be a chance he’s maybe open to something more, I’m not sure if asking too early could be too pushy and be coming on too strong.

    Also, we’re both on the younger side. I think we are both people who will commit to someone eventually (as in if you individually asked us whether we expected to be in a marriage with someone, who knows who, in 10 years, we’d both say yes) and both who still have time to be young and have fun, so neither of us have that no-nonsense, no-casual attitude that some people in different situations might have.

    #812689 Reply


    Honey, you are asking questions no one can answer. Pushing men into a decision before they are ready is a bad idea.

    His actions show where he is…. keeping in touch, but not really invested (that would include calls and ways to see each other).

    Maybe the approach should be: hey there, have loved our interaction. Given this super weird time and not seeing each other, how do you view our relationship and it’s prospects? I Then just see what he says. But my guess is will be: I like you, but without seeing each other, a commitment right now would be difficult.

    Then you can say… you are great, contact me when you are back in town!

    #812710 Reply


    I agree, calling would show more commitment. Finding ways to see each other is difficult, I don’t fault him for not doing that. I don’t know why we haven’t called since the pandemic started — we did talk about virtual dates before the pandemic (and before we really knew much about the virus) if say someone one of us knew or interacted with got sick. Without giving too many details, there was a reason that was out of both of our reasonable control at the beginning of quarantine that the most we could discuss was not ending things, and investment in the face of a lot of uncertainty just didn’t seem like the way to go. I wanted to suggest a call after these circumstances were no longer a factor, like ‘it’s been a while since we’ve seen each other, want to do a video call’, but held off since by then it had really been 2 months with just texting, so that would feel out of the blue. And given we’ve both been staying with family for parts of quarantine, I think privacy would be an issue for video chats (at least from my side, privacy would have been a concern for video dates and probably why I didn’t do video dates with anyone over quarantine)

    I also want to know because I don’t know if I’m a backup for him while he goes looking for other people. It might be less likely given he’s quarantining somewhere temporary while I’m back where I normally would be living, so between the two of us I might be the one with a greater chance of being unavailable by the time we both end up in the same place again.

    Tallspicy I like your suggestion. I feel like it’s hard though because I think any way I phrase this question will come across either as a dtr or as me sounding like I’m saying goodbye because I’m not interested in him anymore.

    If I wasn’t afraid of coming across as a bit harsh, I’d say that it’s been a long time to leave something up in the air, and I’m glad we stayed connected because I enjoy interacting with him both in person and through messages, but I want to know how he’s feeling about it, and if we’re unsure of whether we’ll continue something or it’s something purely casual that we’re going to continue, it might not be worth doing this. But my problem with just saying this outright is my goal isn’t an ultimatum, it’s a conversation. However I do want to give some sort of explanation, just so it doesn’t come on as a surprise dtr and instead comes on as a reasonable request to discuss things in the face of this pandemic situation.

    #812718 Reply


    You’re trying to hold on to something that has no handles…

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