Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › why do men cheat?
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Anna.
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Sherri
I am currently dating a guy whom I am sexually exclusive with but I am still dating others as I’m not ready to commit to him yet. I’m still getting to know him. We recently had a talk about cheating of what he n I consider cheating when in a relationship. As for different people the boundaries for cheating R different. I had also told him that if he cheated if we were in a relationship, I would not negotiate or ask him to choose but would just leave as he would have betrayed my trust n there cannot be a relationship without trust.
marie
The question was why do men cheat. I do not know. Why do wemen cheat? I can think of nothing worse than hurting someone by cheating on them. Perhaps it is because my parents have been married fot 45 years. I have seen them live through good and bad times and then realy bad times. I was a teenager when for a time they did not sleep in the same room. When money was more than tight and they were always at each other. Even during this they stayed faithfull to one another. Perhaps the answer is not respect, or love or commitment. Cheating is a choice. Man or woman that person made a choice to hurt the other. They may not have seen it that way when they were cheating, but they had to have seen it after. why do men and wemen make the choice to hurt each other. If we have all hurt at one time or another, why would anyone want to do that to someone else.
Anna
Hi Marie,
I would personally suggest taking everything with a grain of salt, that’s all…..we ALL get carried away with our feelings when we meet someone new and I think guys do too…..
I don’t know if there’s a clear answer except just believing that people MEAN well and yet are changeable, complicated creatures……IF you’re getting very excited about a future with a guy, just take it one step at a time and see how it plays out. Not just because his feelings might change but because yours might too.
I think you can be completely sympathetic to a guy but this DOESNT mean you sit around waiting for him if you’re just not on the same page.
Empathy is really important but this is what EMPOWERS you to make your own choices as you get to know someone and observe their behavior.
In this post I was just hypothesizing about what the guy’s experience might have been just to suggest that she wasn’t crazy for thinking there was SOMETHING very real there, even if it didn’t turn out to be what she had hoped. Not to suggest she should wait around for him but just to be able to think back on the situation with some level of clarity.
To me understanding just FEELS better.
I guess I would say that when it comes to dating, we are all a little bit like children (in the best of ways) even when we’re doing our best to be adults. We’re hopeful, vulnerable, excited, happy…..and sometimes this makes us ALL do things impulsively…..I would take what a guy says (especially at the beginning) as a reflection of the guy he WANTS to be for you – he wants SOOOO badly to be that great, wonderful guy who is in the perfect position to make you happy.
Guys have their hearts set on making a woman happy. I don’t think this is a bad thing…..it’s beautiful and humbling and generous and you see them at their most giving and loving and noble.
I think the key is just recognizing that what he says early on is more of a reflection of who he WANTS to be for you – the guy who can make you happy – but only time and allowing things to progress naturally will give you a real sense of how ready he actually is to fulfill those aspirations.
One way of thinking about it at least…..hope that helps
Xoxo
Sorry that was a response to K’s post, I mixed up the names.
Marie, I agree. I don’t think hurting another person is ever a good idea. I guess the idea behind my post was that it also really really hurts to be in a faithful relationship in which you are deprived of sex and connection and love. I don’t think cheating is ever the answer. But I do think the reasons behind it have a lot more to do with our deep hunger for love and connection than people going around deliberately hurting each other.
My parents have also had an incredibly faithful and long lasting relationship. In many ways I admire it. But I have also see the ways in which, in spite of total sexual exclusivity, they constantly cheated each other out of love – through anger, through criticism, through coldness, through a million small betrayals.
We hurt each other in so many ways.
Cheating is almost always an expression of hurt, of a deep disconnection within the relationship, rather than the cause of it.
So I think it’s just more useful to think about the ways in which we can build deep and lasting and fulfilling connections. Because when people are deprived of love and sex and connection, and cannot talk about it honestly, that’s what causes the cheating.
So to actively CREATE a fulfilling relationship based on genuine honesty, and to commit yourself to creating the best possible conditions for love to thrive, seems like a better use of ones energy than fear, worry, anger, or obsession, which only alienate us further.
Nobody willfully sets out to hurt another person (for the most part at least). But we do terrible things when we are deprived of the things we need most (love, sex, and connection) simply because they are so essential. We cannot live without them. Cheating isn’t a great response to a lack of love and connection, but I think it’s important to understand the deeper issues behind it, because that’s the only way to truly create the relationships you want.
LAgirl
It’s not just a lack of what you get in a relationship that drives cheating. It is based on the individual. Some people get into a monogamous situation and then find themselves wanting variety.. So they cheat.
Others have a need to seek out and gain the ” high ” you get from infatuation and new relationships. These type of people will never NOT cheat because they become bored and intentionally seek outside regardless of how good the partner is to her or him. It has to do with the person and not the relationship or partner.
Other people have low self esteem and constantly seek reassurance from the opposite sex. This drives infidelity because it’s not enough to have your partner reassure you… You need other external forces or people to do that. These people generally like their partner or even love them, but want validation beyond that to satisfy a self esteem need for approval.
It is a choice .. That’s the bottom line to me. An individual choice.
maria
IMO, if you cheat or not has to do with your personality and your VALUES – and therefore choosing a good quality man with high values is key.
Yes, some men would want to cheat because they don’t get sex from their wife, BUT, a good quality man with high values would COMMUNICATE and TALK to her instead of “seeking sex elsewhere”.
And no Lane, I will not “lose that (respect versus commitment) bet”, cause I/my former partners don’t give respect based on what we feel others have earned – we give respect based on values, honesty and unselfishness.
Sherri, I totally agree you should end one relationship before starting another. That is respect for the other person and what you had, AND it is what a honest, unselfish person with high values would do.
That said, to me it’s all very simple. If I love someone I want to be with him, and I will give him as much love (and sex) as I feel comfortable, at ease and happy giving. If he despite that isn’t happy being with me, then I’m not happy being with him (we’re not compatible), and I will leave.
Lane
What you don’t think these guys didn’t TALK, go to counseling or tried to woo their wives into bed?!? Sorry, but your making incorrect assumptions.
These guys DO have VALUES, they just want some freakin SEX, geesh.
You can make whatever value statements you want, but COUPLES, who are fallible humans, do things that are disrespectful to each other, especially the longer they’re together. We get pissed off, frustrated, angry and chapped at small and major things because its how we’re designed. Its impossible to be perfect, happy, honest, respectful (fill in the blank) 24/7 for our entire lives, so to pretend people who are in relationships/marriages are only as good as the amount of “respect” one gives or not is unrealistic.
I am AGAINST CHEATING which is why I have never engaged in it personally, BUT those are MY VALUES and I expect my partner/husband to hold those same VALUES when we are in a COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP. Whether he respects me or not because I’m frustrated or having a bad hair day is irrelevant and has no bearing on whether one will be faithful or not.
celesteannv
When I look back at my marriage, my ex cheated because HE was sad, lonely, disgusted with himself. I begged him to go to counseling with me to work on our marriage, our family life, deal with alcoholism and he always refused. H said that all of his problems were my fault, our son’s fault, works fault etc.
So I went to counseling alone and with my sons. I learned and grew.
He sought the affection of other women to boost his ego, tell him he was ok, etc.There is no way we can be perfect 100% of the time, but if we value a relationship and things are difficult, both parties must be willing to work on it. I just see so many men… and women who want the quick fix.
Lane
Yup—Alcoholics blame all their problems on YOU, that’s their MO! Mine had a couple “emotional affairs” with some internet ladies living across the country when he was in a deep depression due to a very real work related issue. He inadvertently forgot to sign out, read the emails and actually emailed the ladies where BOTH were married and going through crisis of their own. NEITHER had any inclination of actually cheating on their husbands, but were feeling lonely, unappreciated and needed their egos boosted.
I honestly felt the same way as them at the time, so if that’s what mine felt he needed to do to get his ego stroked then more power to him, lol. He bored of it and stopped doing it after his work situation changed for the positive, but relationships are damn HARD and oftentimes wonder why the heck we even want to be in them! :oP
Lane, if they did try talking, counseling and wooing and it didn’t work, then IMO they should consider a divorce instead of cheating.
Again, you and I must live very different lives and meet very different types of people… Sure, I’m not perfect, happy and totally honest all the time, but I am pretty much always respectful to my partners.
I don’t believe that we are “designed to be disrespectful”. I find that very strange and inaccurate, and I really don’t have that experience at all…
I do believe that if a person is over all respectful then he’s more likely to be faithful than a less respectful person.
Regardless, I can’t speak for other people, but “respect, honesty and high values” has always worked for me, so I’m gonna stick to it… just like you should stick to whatever works for you.
Celesteannv, you’re ex seems like a complete ass. REALLY NOT a man of respect, honesty and high values. I’m so glad you’ve found what seems like his total opposite in your new guy…
No Lane, relationships are not HARD, they are EASY when you’re with the right person…
My ex was not ALWAYS that man, but I did start to see traits in him that led us to where we were AND frankly some not very attractive behaviors on my part combined with enabling ways.
I DO NOT think that relationships are always hard but they will certainly not ALWAYS be easy. I bought into the myth that it was our passion – my ex and I – that made it hard, but that is what made it worth fighting for .. and I do mean literally fighting.At the end of the day, both parties have to be willing to work at keeping a relationship alive and when that effort is gone, the I do agree that someone has to be strong enough to call it quite BEFORE stepping outside of the relationship.
Just my opinion.Celeste, I absolutely agree with you, whereas there comes a point where both parties must determine if its viable and if unwilling to work it out then one must step up and throw in the towel, such as I did. I also agree that if you can’t be faithful then you shouldn’t be in one. HOWEVER I also understand that its not always black and white,w hereby its ultimately up to each individual (or couple) to decide what’s best or right for them.
Anna:
Thank you for your thoughtfull post. I was talking to my sister today and oddly enough the topic of marriage came up. We were speaking about how prevalent divorce is in the moddern marriage. How when our parents and grand parents got married they aproached the marriage with the attitude that marriage was work and you had to work the good times with the bad. I know the topic is why do men cheat, but I was thinking; could it be posible that because modern people aproach marriage with this attitude of if it is not working just leave, that makes cheating so prevalent. I am not saying that people did not cheat in my grandparents day, but perhaps because they viewd marriage as a life long relationship that they approached cheating less frequently than the younger people today who sometimes give the impreshion that marriage is not a life long commentment but a longer pause between dates. Why do men cheat. It is a good question. One I donot think we will ever find the answer to, except to say they cheat for that same reasion wemen cheat. They are lacking something with in them selfs, a void that can not be filled and insearch of something to fill the void. We all know how good meeting a new person can make you feel. That feeling may not fill the void but it dulls the pain. It does not make it right.I believe we need to couch this topic as why people cheat and not just men. Who do we think the men are cheating with? Women of course.. And women cheat too. We see it here all the time …
Harley
Hugs… right back at you ! Getting laid last week was the BESTEST thing I’ve done in a long time. After some deliberation… It JUST MAY have been the best night of my life !
Cheaters… mmmn… some out of boredom i think( fed up of same person, years later, vanilla sex)Some.. unloved/unwanted/problems in marriage( not getting it at home), some players ( MY 18 YRS LATER FWB !!!!!!!), some… just drunk.. one night stand ( pro footballers come to mind here… lady sinks her claws in… sells story to press next day ).
or so i think anyway !
Red
In reading most of these post from the ladies……….. I think most have overlooked the most important issue……….That is the Nature of the beast!
All men in one way or the other is like a Lion! He has been hunting all his life and was hunting when he found you.
So when he captures his prey…….. he is happy. BUT his nature it to go hunting
after enjoying the feast of his kill.In reading a lot of history it seems to me that men especially power ones have always had mistresses or multiply wives or concubines. This the nature of the beast. It what drives us no mater how well we try to depress it…
Just my opinion!
Alayna
People (both men AND women) cheat simply because they CAN. It’s in Steve Harvey’s “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man”. A good read especially since half the ideas in this website’s articles are chapters in his book.
Curious about what you mean here. Are you suggesting most people WANT to cheat but don’t?
Why would anyone commit to a monogamous relationship if they didn’t actually want to be in one?
It perplexes me. I’m in an open relationship so cheating is a non-issue but willful dishonesty toward a person you love is always painful.
Trust and openness and honesty are so precious…..I could handle someone cheating on me but cheating on someone I loved would be UNBEARABLY painful. I can’t imagine that many people choose this as their ideal solution or enjoy it. My sense is that most people who cheat are in fact traumatized by their own actions, and are only driven to it by desperation (whether starving for connection or starving for ego affirmation), but it’s not a happy thing to resort to.
Red, why do you think men choose to be with one woman if this is the case? I am genuinely curious. I would never deprive the person I love out of his or her greatest needs and desires….that would be tantamount to killing them. I hesitate around monogamy for precisely this reason.
The guy I’m with has offered to be monogamous. But I don’t want to limit his freedom, or deprive him of joy, or control his desires. I don’t want to set up a situation in which he feels that the only way he can act on his desires and remain in a relationship with me is by cheating. I don’t think he would cheat…..but that’s an even MORE painful feeling for me….the idea that he would give up something or someone he truly wanted just because he thought I wanted that kind of sacrifice from him. I don’t want his sacrifice, I want his happiness. I’m afraid he’s offering monogamy because he thinks it’s what I want, just because most women do, even though I have always encouraged him to sleep with whoever he wants. I’m happy to be special to him because he is so special to me, but I just am not sure what monogamy has to do with that. I am trying to understand because it is something he has brought up a lot.
It is hard for me to trust that he would actually WANT to be with only me, or even to understand the reasons behind it. I have never met a guy who didn’t fantasize about having sex with lots of women, no matter how faithful they were. Including my dad who is probably the best guy I know.
I tend to agree that monogamy is NOT everyone’s natural state. But this doesn’t explain why people cheat. If monogamy is not what someone wants, why would they agree to it? Just to make someone happy?
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