Why did he ghost?

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This topic contains 9 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Lane 1 year, 3 months ago.

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  • #775859 Reply


    So I met a guy online over 5 weeks ago, we instantly hit it off and talked a lot about normal things and he seemed great. We exchanged numbers and quickly fell into a pattern of texting everyday for around 2 weeks initially text first but he then moved our messaging to only on snapchat. During our chats, we said we couldn’t wait to meet up but neither of us are a big fan of a ‘first date’ so we agreed for him to come to mine, watch a movie etc. He lives an hour away and so before we had even met in person he asked could he stay the night at mine- he did acknowledge that if I found him crazy or wasn’t game for this he would leave – but I agreed – btw I am not naive here to know he was after sex. He arrived this particular night and greeted me straight away with a kiss which was a confident move that I liked, we took to the sofa, watched a movie, chatted, cuddled and kissed before we ended up sleeping together. We cuddled for a while afterwards and then he wanted to go back downstairs, we ordered food and continued to cuddle and watch our movie, he was so romantic and playful for the rest of the evening and then we went to bed for the night. In the morning he got up before me to go to work (which I already knew about) but he hugged and kissed me before he left – all seemed great. We continued to message everyday but he works away for a construction company and so I noticed our messaging frequency reduced dramatically to once a day but he was working at a new site so just thought he was busy and he did always reply. But one day he didn’t reply to my message so I presumed he ghosted me so I decided to leave it. 2 days later he messaged me saying “hey stranger, how are you?” And our conversations started again but where the same 1-2 messages a day only but he said he was busy working 16 hour days and was just sleeping in his hotel room when he finished and I have believed him. This has gone on for 3 weeks, he’s been home at the weekends and said he’s been busy and has not made any further advances to see me again until Saturday. We messaged pretty much all day Saturday, the most messages I think either of us had sent, we joked that we wished we were with each other, having cuddles and spending time together, we messaged well into the night and our messages got more intimate, we were sharing some fantasies about being together but overall his attitude was very romantic, saying he couldn’t wait to hold me, be with me etc. I feel he shared more with me about how he felt towards seeing me but I reciprocated and he commented on how much we both felt attracted to each other and I asked to see him on Sunday before he left again for work. He agreed he could fit some time is for us before he had a 4 hour drive across the country and he would come to mine. After this he arranged another date night for next Friday and gave a lot of detail of what he wanted to plan for us and then in several more of his messages he said he couldn’t wait to see me ‘tomorrow’ and his final message at 01:30 before he went to sleep was “I can’t wait to see you tomorrow. I’m gonna go to sleep now cause I can’t stay awake any longer. Sweet dreams my girl”. Sunday morning came and I still hadn’t heard from him by lunchtime so I sent him a quick snapchat- nothing. At 14:30 I still had no reply so I text him saying “are we seeing each other today?” – no reply! I have wound myself up for well over a day now wondering why he’s ignoring me! He was so keen and romantic the night before and we made 2 lots of plans to see each other. What could have changed in the 12 hours since our last messaging (and while he was asleep) for him to now ignore me? And I know he’s been active on his phone and Snapchat so he can’t use the excuse he’s been busy. I’m so angry and confused right now. Do I text him again? Leave it a few days? Wait till Friday when I’m supposed to see him next? Or just draw a line under this? HELP!

    #775860 Reply


    Hot and cold. That is normally someone who is not truly committed to the relationship.

    I once dated a guy who showed up every 3 months….we would go out….have a smashing time and he would go away for 3 months. By the way, no sex…just good times while out.

    So, I would categorize this guy as none serious and just a good time. If you are looking for more find someone else.

    #775863 Reply


    That’s exactly it.. hot and cold! But within 12 hours! I’ve been ghosted before but never after a conversation as intimate and romantic as this was, and I was careful to keep it upbeat and flirty and not too serious as I didn’t want to scare him off but it seems that’s happened now anyway? If he didn’t have the time or didn’t want to see me, I wish he had just said, i would of been a bit pissed but accepting. I am not exactly looking for more or something serious, casual but with only 1 person suits me and my life right now and I thought he felt the same. Thanks redcurleysue!

    #775870 Reply


    He doesn’t want the girlfriend experience. Obviously you confirmed his practice of simply texting and a hook up.

    It’s so easy for guys to do this because women allow it.

    A man who is looking for a girlfriend and a relationship knows how to date. The fact that you fell for his plan for a home first date you should not expect more.

    There’s no reason on earth he couldn’t have taken you out instead of a home date. Except that is how he operates. If a girl agrees to home date, easy peasy.

    You set yourself up for this.

    #775887 Reply


    You are being e-tethered. Believing all the sweet stuff he is texting. It creates a false sense of intimacy and its actually a technique some guys who are in no way serious about relatlonship use to get some entertainment with a girl.
    He uses ‘we’ and ‘us’ words, saying he is youre etc. Sounds familiar? Its all baloney. And that false sense of intimacy made you actually put yourself in a dangerous situation. Inviting a guy to your house you had never met before.
    Read up on ethethering. Its easy to fall for it if you have never expercienced it before

    #775893 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    You agreed to let a total stranger from the internet spend the night at your house? You hadn’t even met the guy! You realize that’s dangerous, right? Living 1 hour away is no excuse. That’s honestly not that far. The fact that he even asked to spend the night is a huge red flag.

    This guy does not want a relationship with you. As has already been said, a guy who wants a girlfriend and a relationship knows how to date and court a woman. He did none of that with you, and yet you let him into your bed. Why should he try to court you now? I suspect he’ll reach out to you when he wants sex and more sleepovers, but I don’t think you’ll get anything more from him than a hookup once in awhile.

    #775930 Reply


    PLEASE run do not walk to your nearest bookstore and purchase a copy of Steve Harvey’s “Think Like A Man, Act Like A Lady.”

    #775937 Reply

    T from NY

    Please never, ever allow a man you don’t know to have your address or come to your home for a first visit. I’m not trying to be harsh – but wondering if you’ve barely dated before? People who have dated realize communication can sometimes be great over the phone – then the guy ends up being a complete weirdo in real life. You would have been in a difficult situation if he’d shown up and you weren’t attracted to him.

    In your case I know it worked out enough that you had sex but – him already calling you “his girl” when you’ve seen him one time, him not making any time for you in weeks and now him being incredibly rude to make plans, get your hopes up and dash them shows he’s an arse. A gentleman would never have asked to spend the night in the first place.

    We don’t have control over everything but we have control over a lot of our own behavior. Please examine yours when it comes to your safety, as well as not allowing your beginning interactions with a guy to be so relationship-like until you ACTUALLY know the person and they have courted you by showing you investment and interest and actual dates. Practice being patient and loving yourself more.

    I’m glad you’re safe.

    #775941 Reply


    how old are you? how can you invite someone over to your house for a first date?? that so dangerous. he could have been anyone. its ok to want to have non committal casual sex. but comeon not this way.. just learn what not to do in future wrt first dates and move on. if I was in your place I would block the guy and not entertain him again.

    #775951 Reply


    You don’t know men at all, and when you don’t understand your opponent you are going to end up these situations a lot!

    First, when a man pushes for sex, its about SEX! Men do not connect like woman do, within seconds they know if you’re someone they want to get to know or just have sex with.

    Second, know what a player does. He knows how to play women to get sex, tells then all kinds of sweet words as they know how women connect and use it to their advantage. When a lady doesn’t know how a man operates (thinks with his little head) then she is prime for the sex taking.

    Third, a man who is smitten with you doesn’t use flowery words, he’s 100% action! A man’s *actions* will tell you everything, if you pay attention to them, and don’t fall for words so easily. The proper formula is WORDS + ACTIONS = TRUTH. The hard cold truth is he was grooming you for easy sex, he does with many women, its his MO and he’s mastered it the point that he can get quick and easy sex when he wants it.

    Lastly, this man WILL circle back! He has a bag of excuses he uses to get a woman to forgive him, just so he can do it to her again, and again. He has access to hundreds of women online and the MOMENT he gets a whiff she’s wanting more (gobbles up all his flowery words), he will disappear and move onto his next conquest.

    Its called *the dating game*, and if you don’t know how to play it (read up on players), you are going to be easily taken on a lot of dead end rides. Keep sex off the table, ask hard questions, watch, observe, and listen to see if there is consistent ACTIONS (opposite of flowery words) over a long period of time (a minimum of a couple months, a few is the best) as that’s the best way to weed these players out.

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