Why all the efforts?


Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals Why all the efforts?

This topic contains 11 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  tammy 1 week, 5 days ago.

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  • #926853 Reply

    Sonja

    I dated this guy for a few months and it ended because he didn’t want to commit having just come out of a long relationship a couple months prior meeting me. I was fine with it, however the guy kept coming back but still wouldn’t commit so I put a real end to it as it was really hurting me.

    Two years later, I moved on (or so I thought) and dated other guys and he gets in contact. At first I was quite frosty or just didn’t reply and it lasted for several months. He then insisted he wanted to meet up, and after two months I eventually said yes. He invited me to a fancy place, spent hundreds on prestigious wine, and we talked all evening until the place closed. He showered me with compliments. He was very flirty, said he still fancied me a lot. Nothing happened as I made it very clear that there would be no funny business and that it would take a lot for me to put my heart on the table again. He said he always admired my sense of self-respect and self-worth and that he wasn’t used to that. I asked why he wanted me in his life and he said he would rather have me as a friend, at least to start, than not in his life. That if the timing had been right, me and him would have been perfect for each other bla, bla, bla.. He walked me to my train, we spoke some more, I gave him a hug and he gave me a kiss on the cheek and asked me to not be a stranger.

    He sent me a message the next morning saying it was really nice to see me again, referred to it as a date and said he had to have a lot of self control not to kiss me. I said it was very nice to see him too, thanks for the drinks and that friends are not supposed to kiss. I said I was going away the next day for work, he wished me a good trip.

    No contact since then, it’s been 2 weeks now… Why all the efforts to then disappear again? He always makes me feel like I’m not enough for him to fight for me…

    #926867 Reply

    Raven

    What does this mean, “He always makes me feel like I’m not enough for him to fight for me…”

    #926871 Reply

    Sonja

    In the past, he kept telling me I’m so amazing and perfect for him and then he would say that he’s not ready for a relationship. It’s like he makes me feel like a million bucks and then like I’m not enough because he is not scared to lose me…

    I tried so hard in the past and had so much hope, I don’t want to hand it over to him on a silver platter, even though I still have feelings. If he truly valued me he would be in touch and would try to see me again surely? Or am I being unreasonable?

    #926874 Reply

    callie

    I’m going to be honest, I don’t think he’s that into you. This sort of behavior is very common for guys. Two years ago, he didn’t wanna commit, which he expressed clearly more than once. This time, by the sounds of it, he still does not want to commit. Guys can take you out on dates, be flirty, and what not, for all sorts of reasons. Could be because he was reminiscing and misses you, or maybe he wants to keep you as an option. Honestly, a guy who is truly into you won’t say things like he wants you to be his friend or that stuff about “timing” being the reason why you two didn’t work out.

    Take the last guy I was involved with, for example. He knew we had limited time together before I had to move away again for school, but still he cleared his schedule and did everything according to when I was free so we could spend time together. We broke it off on good terms because it would make no sense to start a relationship when I’m going to be gone for 4 years, but we enjoyed the time we had. He never made up excuses about why we wouldn’t work or that he wants me to be a friend in his life. That is how a guy should be behaving when he is into you.

    #926877 Reply

    Sonja

    I agree with everything you said Callie. It’s a hard pill to swallow (again!) but it is what it is. It’s such a selfish behaviour, I would never act like this so find it hard to understand.

    #926890 Reply

    Maddie

    It’s not you. It’s not about you not being good enough, it may not even be about whether his feelings are strong enough or not. Some people only want what they can’t have, which is why he’s interested until you reciprocate and suddenly he’s not wanting a real relationship. People who are afraid of intimacy and commitment and who are *not* emotionally available can do this. They can’t handle when the chase is over and things get real and instead begin to feel trapped, no matter who the partner is. It is their problem and repeats until they decide to deal with it on their own and change, or not. Often they do not, for complicated reasons but reasons that don’t matter for you because the outcome is the same. Be glad he’s been honest with you, even if it is not how you’d choose to have relationships. It just reinforces that you’re not a good match because you don’t really want the same things, even though he’ll waste as much as of your time as you’ll give him (since he likes you and enjoys your company). What you’ve seen is all he has to give: fun times in the moment, no consistency, commitment, or stability.

    #926897 Reply

    Sonja

    That was really helpful Maddie, thank you so much.

    #926924 Reply

    AngieBaby

    It’s definitely not about you. People want what they can’t have. He was just pulling on the line to see if you were still there. He needed an ego boost and he enjoyed the challenge. At least you had a good evening and he dropped a bundle to entertain you, LOL. But I wouldn’t waste any more time trying to analyze this or figure him out and I’d just block him and never respond to him again. You’ve already determined you’re not compatible and you just got a good reminder of that.

    #927073 Reply

    Zoe

    He is a waste of time, He doesnt like you enough, but next guy will
    bock him forever

    #927075 Reply

    Sonja

    Thank you Angie Baby. I’m actually glad I came on here as you’ve all given me very sound advice. I can see that he is never going to be the one for me and will cut him off completely. Really, thank you all.

    #927251 Reply

    AngieBaby

    You’re welcome Sonja, very glad we could all help you feel better.

    Your self worth should never depend upon how someone else feels about you or is treating you.

    #927816 Reply

    tammy

    you have got good advice. its not about you. but him. hence i doubt you will get what you really want from this guy which is a steady stable relationship leading to marriage. he will never committ. despite meeting after such a long gap, hes behaving the same with you. what happens is you like the guy and are hoping for a relationship with him. so when you meet and things go well, you start hoping. but he true to his nature disappears. and your hopes dashed. till the next time. if you can meet him occasionally as just a friend and have no feelings at all, then its ok to let this go on. but if you have evn an iota of feelings its imp you dont bother with him at all.

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