Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › When he opens up emotionally about needing space
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mama.
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Stephanie
Hi! So I met a guy a a dating app a few weeks ago, we hit it off right away! He told me he was leaving town a couple days after we matched to visit family for a week, but set up a date with me for when he came back. We talked back and forth for days. It slowed down for a bit while he was visiting family, but I understood that and didn’t put pressure on him to talk. Now comes the day he gets back to town, and unplanned he comes over to my place to hang out. We had a great time and agreed that the connection felt strong, as if we had known each other for a while. He evens says that I am a “diamond in the rough” because we live in a BIG city where dating can be a rough. So at this point, we are both looking forward to our planned date in a few days.
When the day of our date arrives, I text him to confirm and he cancels. Stating is reason that he feels lethargic and is going through something difficult because he just found out his roommate/best friend is moving away after they lived together for 9 years. He asks if we can reschedule to later on in the week. I “allow” it and start backing off, assuming that this is over.
After a few days of not talking, he texts me a few days later. Apologizing that he has been MIA, says that he has had a stressful week and is going through an emotionally hard time. He shares with me that he’s not just going through it because his roommate is moving out, rather that fact made him spiral into thinking about his future, what he wants to do with his life, and if he is going to stay in the city (he moved here 7 years ago from across the country). I try to be as understanding and supportive as I can be. He recognizes that and shows appreciation. So we talk back and forth for a few days. In fact as our momentum picks up again, I ask him to meet up for coffee and he confirms interest immediately and excitedly. So I think “great things are going well and he is still interested” until the next day he says that he thinks we should “hold on on seeing each other.” He apologizes for being so “back and forth,” says “You are obviously a wonderful person,” but “I am in a strange place in my life right now and I don’t want anyone to get hurt. I think I just need a bit of time to myself.” I go one to ask if he is interested in revisiting our potential when he is ready, and he says yes instantly. Then I say “alright then. Hope you don’t forget about me (jokingly).”
That was 2 weeks ago, and I haven’t reached out since. We don’t follow each other on social media, in fact he barely uses it.
So ultimately I am wondering, for a guy how much time is enough time to go process and come back from emotional turmoil? I was thinking that I would give him 4-6 weeks before I reached out again. I thought I would forget about him by now, but I can’t shake this feeling, and the strong connection I felt to him.
Tallspicy
Oh honey! Going to be rough on you so you get it.
This man is a hot mess, and I doubt 4 weeks will solve it. Could be months.
You should toss his number for good because at best he is a hot mess, at worst he is a liar really hot mess. He should contact you. You never contact him again, he knows where to find you. And you met him once. Let me repeat that, you met him once and he cancelled the rest.
And this so called connection you feel is most like unresolved childhood trauma. Please look up anxious attachment.The reason I say that is two fold: you should never date someone who feels like you have known them a long time, it is almost always reenacting stuff with your parents. Secondly, this man is throwing off red flags like a matador at a bullfight, which should turn you off, not on to help him. Girls who help me through hard emotional times don’t get the guy, they spruce them up and get dumped.
Tallspicy
Please go to a therapist for a few sessions to understand why you feel so connected to someone who can’t or won’t be a good partner for you and why you are so infatuated with someone you met once. Liking hot messes and saying you can’t shake your interest is also a red flag about your dating.
Do you like unavailable men? Most likely yes.
Do you get over invested in men who are not real? Yes (men not your boyfriend)
Do you ruminate about men far longer than you should?Liz Lemon
Don’t wait around for this guy, and definitely don’t reach out. He’s a mess!
If he wanted to date you, he would. It’s as simple as that. This guy isn’t in a mental place to date. You may have thought you had great chemistry when you met, but he isn’t even capable of meeting you for coffee at this point. He even told you he “needs a bit of time to himself”. You’re wasting your time with this guy. A man who was emotionally healthy and ready to date would not squander a great connection with a woman by blowing off dates.
It sucks, but just brush it off and move on. Tell yourself you don’t want a guy who doesn’t want you (you shouldn’t want a guy who isn’t eager to see you!)
Anon
He’s not interested and I would not give him another chance ever if he contacts you again. He’s showing you who he is- a wishy washy all talk lack of follow through guy- not a catch
T from NY
Unfortunately some growing up with Walt Disney and rom com movies we all thought dating and love was about finding a man who we **feel** so swooney about and who’s handsome and smart and we get butterflies and yada yada yada. Dude. Dating is about going in already happy. Already upbeat and excited about yourself, life in general and then WATCHIN and SEEIN what kind of guy he is. Does he add to your happiness? Does he support you.
This guy is a hot mess express, or in transition in his life, or emotionally weak – who knows?? Who cares?? You deserve better. Not that there’s anything wrong with him, but he’s just NOT good bf material. Oh well, move along. That’s the attitude you have to develop. Because YOU my darling are no man’s therapist, or emotional crush, or placeholder or anything of the sort. As Tallspicy pointed out – if you’re getting overly attached to any one guy – who has not proven his worthiness to you – that’s a YOU problem. Throw this fish back. He ain’t ready
Zoe
He is not a mess, he is not interested in you
Maddie
I assume you’re young but not that young if he’s had a roommate for 9 years. Maybe mid or late 20s?
Any guy who can’t handle thinking about the future and spirals out at having to face it will be the worst boyfriend ever. He can’t deal with stress or planning, isn’t in a place to commit to a future, certainly can’t handle taking care of another person. Probably can barely take care of himself. He did you a favor.
Read Tallspicy’s first reply over and over again and take it to heart. 100% do not contact him again. You think he’ll be ready on your schedule? No way. If he reaches out, he still probably won’t be worth exploring things with, but if you reach out there’s zero chance because he’s on his own timetable, not yours.
I don’t like that he was instantly calling you a diamond in the rough, even. Sounds like he has a hard time with dating, and in this case it’s more likely to be because of how he shows up (or doesn’t). Don’t let him lure you in with fast-forward false intimacy.
Now read Tallspicy’s response an additional time.
tammy
please don’t bother. he has no idea what he wants. he is only going to mess your mind and create chaos. just delete him and move on. i have experienced this and trust me it will not be a pleasant journey for you. don’t entertain calls or messages from him. boot him out.
mama
Wishy washy men in their own self-created drama are soooo sexy.
I’m being sarcastic but I hope you understand my point — he’s created these obstacles because he likes the attention from you but is kindly blowing you off with the sweet smell of spring air. Sometimes people call them drama queens, attention whores, etc, etc….
Don’t wait around another moment for this guy. 4-6 weeks? What sort of rationale do you have for that number? That’s how long it took me to recover from surgery recently, but waiting around for a guy who’s only kind of interested and mostly a flake — nope. No matter how cute he is.
Delete his number so you don’t accidentally drunk text him, then move on with your life and pay attention to the ones who make themselves fully present in your life and WANT to date you. This isn’t about nice, this is about looking out for your own well being.
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