What to do?

This topic contains 4 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Newbie 4 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #796117 Reply


    Hi guys,

    I’ve been with my bf for 2 years now. Our relationship is pretty good. Hardly any big arguments. However, lately I noticed his been texting this girl. Her named popped up on his phone screen preview the past 5 times that I’m around. At the start I didn’t think much of it as there was no cute or lovey emojis in the previews. Sometimes he even replies in front of me- side on. Their messages to each other are quiet lengthy. The reason why I didn’t raise any suspicion was 1. There was no emojis 2) he replies back to her in front of me 3) he doesn’t hide his phone 4) the preview messages that I read was general convos – not flirty at all. 5) our routine are the same, he comes home from work almost the same time every night, weekends are with me (however we are still in lockdown)

    But what makes me starting to feel suspicious is why are they talking so much and I know for a fact that she’s not a friend of him from the past. And lately when I asked him who msg, he will just say ‘probably from work’ but the way he says it seems like he was lying. It was just my gut instinct.

    I don’t have concrete evidence to say he is cheating but I’m
    Worried that what if they start develop feelings for each other? I’m usually a pretty laid back and easy going person. I’m just confuse. Am I been paranoid or there is nothing to be worried about?

    #796123 Reply

    T from NY

    I do not believe men should be making new friends, that are female, to text multiple times per week while in a committed relationship. It would not be okay with me. You’ll find others that are more open and believe these types relationships can be platonic. But I would not date a man that has a female in his life, that he talks to regularly on the phone unless she was a family member. Coworkers occasionally, yes. Old female friends from their past occasionally, yes. Etc. But buddy buddy, almost daily, with another girl – no.

    It’s not about jealousy for me. It’s about maintaining emotional intimacy for the primary relationship. I’ve had too many situations turn weird and seen some of my friends really truly hurt by those interactions turn into cheating. I suggest you wait and watch a little more. Maybe read the book Not Just Friends by S. Glass to learn what your relationship boundaries might be. Then when you’ve figured out what you would need to feel safe and happy, and if you feel you need to bring it up – I would withOUT emotion or being accusing just say “Hey I’ve noticed you’ve been texting and talking to so and so frequently. Can you tell me about that?”

    Then, depending on what he says – and again, without a ton of stress in your voice, ask if you can talk about relationship boundaries. Ask him to describe his and etc. Nothing should be off limits to talk about in a healthy partnership. Also PS – when do you plan to get engaged or live together if it’s been 2 years?

    #796124 Reply


    Thanks T from NY! That’s really good advice! I agree with you 100% that we shouldn’t make new friends of the opposite sex to text on multiple times in a week. It has been bothering me a lot and I don’t want to come across like I’m accusing him.

    We haven’t really talked about engagement as I’m not too fuss with marriages and kids myself. We are both definitely committed but I do feel I’m more of the giver in this relationship. Overall I’m always the bigger giver in all my past relationships.

    He recently bought a house 5 min away from me so I suppose that’s commitment on his end. We have our photos together on his IG so I hope this female friend will know that he is taken.

    I will definitely read the book you recommended.

    Yes, I will wait and decide. If I catch her msg pop up I will raise the question.

    Thanks once again! Much appreciated x

    #796126 Reply


    I dont understand why you didnt ask who is messaging him. Thats not so difficult to ask. And if he says so and so, you can ask some follow up questions and go with what T said. Im friends with men, that are 100% non sexual, but i dont send them lenghty texts as i dont feel a desire to do that. So i think its a ridiculous rule that a man cant have or make female friends, but he has to be open and upfront about it

    #796127 Reply


    There is one other thing. You posted about this guy before because i remember the house purchase. Which means there were other issues too. I believe that when you have to post multiple times about the same man something is off

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