This topic contains 5 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by M 1 year, 2 months ago.
September 21, 2022 at 7:29 pm #936639
I am looking for advice on how I should proceed with my ex-boyfriend. We did not date for too long, from about January 2021 to May 2021. However, it was one of the most secure, passionate, and healthy relationships I have ever been in. I felt supported, taken care of, seen and heard- all things I had trouble letting other boyfriends in that deeply with me. Here’s a background on us:
He was a Pilates student of mine for about a year or so. However, in January of 2021 we spoke after a class and I learned of him moving across the country in March of that year. Not for work, but just for pleasure, putting himself out of his comfort zone, and being around more ambitious people who might help him advance professionally although he already was working for a well-known financial company, making excellent money. We hit it off our first meeting and kind of jumped into things really fast because there was a lot of chemistry and connection. I think the thought of it having an expiration date made it easier for us to play know games and let each other in very quickly and care for each other deeply. I met his parents; became close with his roommates, friend, and sister; He met some of my friends as well. We decided to go on a trip to Tulum, Mexico for my spring break in March of 2021 (I am a teacher). He pushed back the date of his move to the end of April 2021 and was paying double rent in both NYC and Phoenix. We spent 10 days on one of the most fun, romantic “honeymoon” type trips I’ve ever had. To this day, he still talks about how that was one of his favorite trips (and he has done a lot of traveling in his life). At the end of the trip, we had a talk about what his leaving looked like and at first he said well ideally he’d like to keep in touch here and there but not continue like we were. I expressed that was not very fair to me. And he said he could see that now so it would probably be best if we didn’t talk once he moved.
When we returned from Tulum, I told him that I could not continue seeing him for three more weeks and hope that they outcome would change. I had developed feelings that I was not expecting to develop and we needed to rip the bandaid off and ends things now. He said he wasn’t sure if I was giving him a choice in the matter, but asked and I quote “Megan, this is a lot to unpack. I wasn’t really expecting this. I’ve never met someone else that allows me to be my totally self all the time, that’s why I’m struggling with this whole situation, hence wasn’t totally prepared for our original talk. Will you give me a day or two to get my thoughts somewhat together?” I said okay.
The next day he texted me: “My current thoughts. I really like you and I would like to see if we can continue dating while I’m in NYC. Long distance isn’t necessarily the ideal situation, but I like and care about you a lot. I know you have summers off and a plane is easy to hop on. If you’re interested in trying something out, I would like to. In the words of Janis Joplin, ‘Don’t you know when you’re loving anybody, baby You’re taking a gamble on a little sorrow But then who cares, baby ‘cause we may not be here tomorrow’ Maybe we need to talk this through in person, but I don’t want to give up on this/would like to try to figure out a system that works for both of us.”
Of course, I read this and felt like wow, I said how I truly felt without fear and received a thoughtful answer that I wanted. He moved end of April, took 10 days off from work in the first week of June for me to visit, and I bought a plane ticket to come see him. Long distance wasn’t too tough, communication was good. I was also ending a particularly stressful schoolyear, all while selling my house. So, one day I reached out to him saying I was experiencing a lot of stress and didn’t want to take it out of him, so could we dial back our communication a bit. The next day he said he had something he wanted to talk about too. We had been doing long distance for two or maybe three weeks. The next day, we facetimed, and he broke it off, saying he couldn’t have one foot in Arizona and one foot in NYC. He was experiencing a lot of anxiety and he just wasn’t ready to be all in. His heart was not all in and that he wished he had met me a year later. He told me he gave me all the love that he could give but wasn’t ready to dive all the way deep. He told me I should not come out to visit. It would be too hard. I was devastated. I wrote him a letter thanking him for the relationship, what he taught me, and how respected and loved I felt and that he set the bar for the next man who I would let into my heart. Then next year we talked occasionally. A couple text exchanges here or there over summer 2021. Nothing of substance. Then a period of no contact from end of summer to new years day 2022. He reached out, sending a picture of him and my dog together, said he was going through old photos and wanted to check in. Contact went back to a few text exchanges here or there, but then I took some hallucinogenics on vacation in Belize in February of 2022 and basically told him I still had feelings for him and to please not contact me again. He respected it, until he saw on Instagram that I went to Tulum again this year in July 2022. He responded to my story “Back in Tulum?” to which I did not respond.
During this time, I kept in casual contact with his sister who still lives here. She had asked me to be a feature in her art show in September 2022. I tried to decline, but I knew she looked up to me as a friend and sister so eventually agreed.
Here’s where the present comes in: He reached out about a week before the show, saying that he would definitely see me at the show as he was coming into town, but wanted to see if I was free for a drink or coffee to catch up. I initially declined. But then reached back out and said sure. We met up two days before the show for a beer and ended up talking for 3 hours, catching up like a not even a day had gone by since he left. The connection clearly still there. Talking with him feels as easy as breathing. I saw him at the show. I saw his parents again. His dad said to me “I f***ed up a lot when I was a young man too” and some shared some other things that led me to believe he knew his son had messed up. His parents also knew an awful lot about what had gone on in my life in the last year. I was surprised by them having that much info. I didn’t stay to long at the show, but he texted me a few hours after it ended, asking if I was free the next evening to hangout out.
We met at my place, had a drink, then walked to a local dive bar down from my house. Of course the connection was still there, and also the attraction was starting to show between us. Lots of flirting, eye contact and subtle touching. Finally I looked at him in the eyes, and said you need to stop staring at me like that, it makes me want to kiss you. To which he immediately grabbed my face and kissed me. I bet you can guess what happened next. Some more kissing. Back to my place, and….. we ended up having sex. I kicked him out after, saying this was not good for me and we need to go back to no talking. He held me so tight, kissing my head and saying I’m so sorry baby I don’t know what to do. The next day I texted him, apologizing for having sex with him then immediately saying we shouldn’t talk. I realize how incredibly insensitive that had been of me and I wanted to check in with how he was thinking or feeling. He replied that last night was great. Not very thought through but what are you going to do. And he was just waking up and didn’t have many profound thoughts. Then asked where my head was at. I responded again saying I was thinking about what he was thinking and that I enjoyed it as well. His response back crushed me: “I’ve been having a great time. But I don’t see something material coming from this. I’m going back to the city Monday and my life is mainly there. If that’s what you’re asking about”. I immediately tried to play it cool saying “Thanks for being direct, but I think that has been put to bed so to speak. I’m just hoping we can still be friends with no weirdness surrounding it.” He agreed we have no weirdness and it wouldn’t change our friendship. The next day he texted me in the morning. And then again in the evening asking how my school day went. I told him it was rough and then sent him this message:
“Oh well. Anyway, I wanted to say bye before you left. I couldn’t remember if you were leaving tonight or tomorrow night. Either way, safe travels. I really did enjoy reconnecting with you the last few days. It’s good to know that you are still the person I admired when we first met. I’m jealous the city gets you. Take care, ______. Don’t break any more hearts.”
“I’ve been feeling like crap today otherwise I would’ve said bye ✌🏻. I had a really nice time too. I’m happy you have your own place, [your dog] is killing it, you have a better job and your Pilates class is always full.
Let me know if you’re ever in the city and I’ll take ya around”.
I didn’t respond. I’ve been feeling worse than I felt about the initial break up. I am so heartbroken and said and I wish that him and I would end up together. But I can’t spend another year of my life hung up on someone who I feel isn’t sure of me. I truly don’t know what to do. I’ve been actively calling therapist to get back into some sort of therapy or counseling to help me from repeating patterns of anxious thoughts/over thinking.
How do you perceive this? How do you think I should proceed?September 22, 2022 at 5:13 am #936737
Has there been any discussions abt ur possible move to whr he has shiftd?September 22, 2022 at 10:01 am #936741
So sorry you’re experiencing this. You literally wrote the same story I went through, but for, he fell in love with me and we’ve been together for almost 7 years now.
The one thing that stands out in this scenario, is that the second time he was still in the same ‘head space’ as he was the first time he left. A man who is ready to commit to a lady will say the opposite of what he said so although he truly enjoys your company, he is not ready to commit to you, or anyone for that matter. The man has to bring it up, start the conversation before you can know where their heads at. In this case, he hasn’t budged, still in the mindset of remaining single until he eventually meets the lady he is fully ready to go “all in” with.
Unfortunately, at this point, there is absolutely nothing you can do but shut him out of your life. Taking the “out of sight, out of mind” approach is the best way to get over him. You have to hold firm though. No interaction in any way, on any platform, in fact, you really should use the “block” feature on Mr. Popcorn so he isn’t able to keep popping in, and out, of your life which is keeping you stuck. I know its a hard thing to do, but trust me, its the best thing for you.September 22, 2022 at 10:40 am #936744
Lane i agree with you. The same thing happened to me many years back. We were on and off for years! Each time he wld visit my city, we wld meet for dinr /drnks and it was alwys like we were never apart!! Only thing is we had a long distance relationship and lived in difrnt countries.
Initially it was pretty tough for me but thn i accepted the fact that this was not meant to be. So i wld just enjoy the occasional dinners with him whnever he was my city. At tms i would sleep over. I had just mentally conditioned myslf to not expect anything.
Till one day he said wtf are we doing. There is obviously smthing still between us despite so many years. And he said lets discuss whether we shld take us seriously.
In your case megan he needs to come to the realisation that this is not just some gud random friendship or attraction but that this thing is the real deal! Till that happens sadly not much you can do! He needs to understand this without any push from you.
In my case i had reconciled to the fact that since he lived in anthr country and we met occasionally, it cld never work. So i was ok with random one off meetings. But in your case, thats obviously not the case! So to get on in your life, its imp that you cut off reg contact with him.September 22, 2022 at 3:00 pm #936775
“I don’t see something material coming from this. I’m going back to the city Monday and my life is mainly there.”
“He was experiencing a lot of anxiety and he just wasn’t ready to be all in. His heart was not all in and that he wished he had met me a year later. He told me he gave me all the love that he could give but wasn’t ready to dive all the way deep.”
I think you should believe what he’s telling you. I don’t doubt that he cares for you and enjoys your company, BUT he does not see a future with you! He told you that point blank.
Men are very capable of sleeping with women and spending time with them (vacations,etc) without becoming emotionally attached. I was in a similar LDR years ago, we also did amazing international travel together, I wanted an in-person future with the guy, but he was honestly happy to keep our situation compartmentalized. He had his life at home, and I was separate from it. I see this guy treating you in a similar way. He’s happy to hang out and sleep with you when he’s in your area, but he does not see you as a part of his life. Men can compartmentalize these things very well, while women can’t.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I agree with the advice that you should cut him off. You don’t need his friendship. Distance yourself from his sister, even, if you think that will keep you attached. It’s painful and it sucks, but this guy doesn’t want you the way you want him. Just keep reminding yourself of that.October 1, 2022 at 9:41 am #937443
If he wanted you, he’d choose you.
My cousin once sent me this quote “Choose someone who chooses you.”
Anything less is just about submitting yourself for future heartbreak and to be treated poorly. Maybe not intentionally, but it’s happening as a default state anyway.
Megan honey, what the hell does he mean “his heart’s not all in…” blah-blah blah-blah blah….
I know I sound harsh but seriously, WTF?!
(I don’t even swear normally, but I feel so angry and annoyed on your behalf!)
If he doesn’t know what he’s got when he’s with you, screw that connection, it’s not worth anything. Let him go, put him in your past.
Start loving yourself Megan. Find the guy that when he sees you and spends time with you, says to you “My life is here with You.”
One day you’ll look back on this and realise you wish you’d have knocked it on the head long ago.
If he comes back and wants to put a ring on your finger, then he’s the real deal. But unless that happens, keep your eyes ahead and forward, the guy who you’re meant to end up with and have all of this and MORE, is still out there….
Value yourself and how awesome you are. The guy that gets it, will come find you.