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Maddie.
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Christine
Hey guys,
I have a question about a guy who I just met so it’s not at all something serious. I’ve were fixed up about a month ago by a mutual friend. He’s not my normal type but I’ve been striking out with dating my “normal type” so I thought why not branch out. Due to holiday schedules we didn’t meet until this week. We were texting and talking on the phone leading up to the date. He was nice and smart and I was excited for the date. The date went well – nearly 3 hours at dinner but I left feeling like there wasn’t much of a romantic spark. He texted me twenty minutes after our date or so thanking me and saying he had a great time so I responded in kind. He texted me the next morning too and a bit throughout the day. And the next morning and again throughout that day. I started to feel like maybe I should give it another shot and not automatically write it off because of the lack of a spark on the first date given that he’s been (the only one) initiating contact. He told me during our date that his bday is coming up and it didn’t sound like he had anything planned to celebrate so yesterday I said he if you want to grab lunch Sunday and watch the game at a bar or something it’s on me for your birthday. He said he had a conflict Sunday which I totally understand but then didn’t offer an alternative date. So at that point I thought ok I made the attempt despite not feeling much of a connection and it wasn’t well received so I think I can bow out now. But then he texted me twice that night after that exchange (I didn’t respond because the nature of the texts didn’t really call for a response) and again the next morning (the time I did respond.) This is by no means anything serious – it was one date – but it is a confusing vibe that I am getting from him and I am also mindful
of the fact that we have a mutual friend so I thought I’d see what others thought (am I being to hasty/why all the texts and no calls like before/no future plans/would you just chock this one up as a one and done?) Tanks and Happy Saturday!Zoe
You dont ask out men you dont know
Raven
I think you should consider it a one & done… He’s not stepping up to the plate.
Christine
Yea I usually don’t do the asking but given it was his bday and that I was kind of lukewarm on date number two I thought why not/I didn’t have much to lose. I agree with that though, generally speaking. And yes Raven I agree with you too so can I just ignore all the texts going forward?
tammy
i dont think you should ignore. but dont initiate any more texts. see for a week or two if he steps up and sets meetings. if he does great go and meet him again and see how things feel. if he doesnt suggest anymore meeting, then you can just write him off from the possible romantic angle.
Christine
Thanks, Tammy. Yea I’ve been responding. This one is just throwing me through kind of a loop I guess. I’ve made myself a promise that I’m going to be more open in dating which I guess is why I haven’t totally put this to bed yet but he’s making it difficult. I haven’t initiated texts at all – he’s initiated them all. And then the other night he asked what I was up to and I said I was out and he called me. I didn’t answer bc I was out and didn’t want to be rude and so I texted him as much but then I did excuse myself to call back 20 mins later. He didn’t answer my call and he didn’t return my text. It all feels very … game’y. I don’t like it.
Liz Lemon
Maybe he didn’t feel a connection either, but since you have a mutual friend feels he has to be attentive to you? Whatever the case, I agree you should step back- don’t initiate any more texts or suggest dates. Just see if he steps up. Some guys are time wasters and like texting women (for attention) more than actually getting together, so he may be one of those.
Overall I think if this guy was for you, you wouldn’t be having these issues. I understand wanting to be open minded and give guys a chance, but it’s important to recognize when you’re wasting your time. You’ve had two dates with this guy (right?) and things aren’t flowing naturally. So I wouldn’t overthink this. The fact that he turned you down for the lunch invitation without suggesting another date, and later on didn’t return your call (after he called you!)– leads me to believe he’s not really that interested. He might just like the attention.
tammy
i really find it extremely rude when men do that. you had told him your out so why should he call you then knowing your out? and then to ignore when you do call him back. if i was in your place, i would not respond to his texts and put him in the back burner. in case he does message again, leave his messages on unread for a long time. and if its mundane stuff like hey how are you just ignore and don’t answer.
Christine
Thank you ladies!! On all fronts. It shouldn’t be this hard, Liz, you are right. It’s definite indication that he is just not for me. And Tammy that drove me nuts too. So you want to play games with me until you think I’m out doing something with someone else/without you and then you’re going to call and interrupt me?? What?! That’s weird. He’s still texting. I’m barely responding. I almost feel like it’s a sign of narcissism. When he thinks I’m retreating and can’t be bothered with the likes of him it’s like his pride can’t handle it. I’m not 20 years old anymore and I’m glad this guy showed his true colors early on. I’ve all but put this guy out of my mind at this point.
tammy
yeah don’t bother. hes just a time waster. if it was that urgent for him to call you when you were out, why isn’t he setting up a meeting with you on other days??
Liz Lemon
Excellent point, tammy! Yeah, it sounds like this guy just wants attention. I’d definitely stop wasting my time with him.
Christine
Update:
So after reading all of the wonderful advice by you all I confirmed in my mind that this just wasn’t for me and that the right thing to do was to go with my initial gut, accept that there was not a spark and stop responding to this guy’s texts. I was only responding here and there by the time I posted my last comment (before this one) but altogether stopped as of Monday or Tuesday. I deleted his number and every time he would text me I would delete the text without responding. This happened several times throughout the week and I went about my life as normal with a weight off the brain. Fast forward to today – I get a text from this guy that basically says “sorry I’ve been so distant. I think I’m just not ready to date yet and I’m caught up in my last relationship still. You check every box – you’re bright, attractive, funny, sweet … I hope we can reconnect one day when I am ready..” Wow. The narcissism is real. In any event, I didn’t see the text immediately bc I was working but about two hours later or so I responded thanking him for his text and saying he didn’t have to be sorry, it was one date and no real romantic spark. I said I hoped we could transition things into more of a friendship (bc we do have the same mutual friend) and wished him the best. He responded saying he was very interested in being friends and asking if that’s what I want. At which point I just said sure and stopped responding again. And deleted his number. I prob shouldn’t have said the friendship thing but I figured it would knock him down a few pegs (esp when I have 0 intention of ever following through on that.) It’s funny. The more dates I go on with “the wrong ones” the more I learn about myself and what the “right one” for me would need to be like. So I’ll treat this as a learning experience and start trusting my gut more often. This guy wasted a week of my time that I won’t get back. Thanks again for your input, everyone!
Maddie
Christine, I used to try to be more careful with guys who had mutual friends, but they often treated me worse than random guys I met online… so I stopped giving them more benefit of the doubt and started treating them as I did any other date! With respect of course, but no excuses or special treatment. Oh, and I told my friends to stop trying to set me up if they couldn’t give me an actual reason we’d hit it off and it was only, ‘you’re both single so why not.’ That helped avoid weird situations like this, too. But anyway, you’ve come to the right conclusions about trusting your gut. Glad you found out the full story and had already checked out before then anyway, based on it feeling off.
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