We can’t be in a relationship should I still be friends?


Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals We can’t be in a relationship should I still be friends?

This topic contains 7 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Eric Charles 4 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #933041 Reply

    Sarah Marve

    I have been talking to this guy for about 2 months now. We spent a week and half together on our first meeting and had fun.
    We had a crazy connection after meeting which he also admitted to. But I never wanted to take it further after that as we both went to different countries afterwards and I felt he might not want to. However he still continued contacting me and I felt the connection still there, ever since then we call and text almost every day till date.
    But we had a conversation and it turns out he had just broken up with his girlfriend before traveling, they decided to break up while he was traveling and stop talking and if whenever he returns things still work out between them then fine.
    I was kinda hurt he didn’t tell me the full story, but I decided to keep talking to him since he isn’t officially in a relationship and we agreed that once he goes back home and is trying to workout with his ex then we would cut contact.
    But he also recently had a one night stand and told me but I was a bit hurt,he said it meant nothing and never spoke to her afterwards. I also couldn’t get mad cause I’m not his girlfriend, but he did try to explain the situation and how it was something he didn’t plan to do or enjoy. But now the problem is that I like him alot and he likes me too but he obviously can’t be in a relationship now. And now I still want to be incontact with him but I have realised I like him alot and I don’t know what to do.
    But he claims he likes me alot but now he can’t really open up to a relationship due to the situation but is open to seeing if it works out in future with us , but for now he really doesn’t want us to cut contacts. And we could still talk as friends and figure things out when we are together in the same place.
    He is also planning on getting a visa to come see me for a couple of weeks.
    I told him I wanted to cut contacts and he was bummed about it cause I had tried to cut him off before and he pleaded and we decided to keep talking. Now I wanna do it again but a part of me also wants to keep talking to him. I’m also moving to his country later this year so it would be nice to have him there too.
    The end point is that I like him and he likes me but we can’t date now due to circumstances, we could keep talking and getting to know eachother and see what happens obviously without expectations.
    I really appreciate our friendship but it’s hard due to how I feel and I

    #933043 Reply

    Anna

    if he was a decent guy he wouldn’t be contacting you , knowing you have feelings for him… a guy who tells you about one night stands, generally about other women , is not romantically interested in you.

    #933044 Reply

    Sarah Marve

    He didn’t want to tell me, it happened a while ago, but I asked to tell me if anything happened.

    #933045 Reply

    tammy

    there is no future to this as you said. he likes you but that doesn’t stop him from meeting other women and having flings. which means friendship with you is in its place for him but his social life goes on. if you can do the same then its ok to stay friends with him. hes just a friend you had a short romance with. that’s all. but if keeping in touch with him and continuing your friendship with him is affecting your dating life and stops you mentally from having healthy normal relationships with other men, then you need to cut off contact with this guy. or atleast decrease your level of interactions with him and make that occasional. focus on your present and now.

    #933046 Reply

    Sarah Marve

    So I shouldn’t let him travel to come see me?
    I mean I also still have my social life and dating life.
    I however love our friendship and would hope when we both are in same place we could figure it out

    #933053 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    You said you’re moving to his country later this year. Why don’t you plan to get together and see what happens when you’re physically in the same place? Just take some space and take a break until then.

    He said he’s not ready for a relationship- maybe having some distance and a chance to miss you will put him in a better mental place. That way when you’re in his country, you can get together and see if you can develop a relationship in person. As you said, see if you can “figure it out” when you’re both in the same place.

    #933054 Reply

    Anna

    I don’t want to sound pessimistic here , you know him better than we do, however it looks like he wants to have his social/dating life and keep you as a texting buddy/stroke his ego and maybe meet up occasionally when it suits him.
    like others said please don’t let this stop you from dating others , I have a feeling that as soon as he meets the one he will cut the communication with you, so be ready for that too.

    #933055 Reply

    Eric Charles
    Keymaster

    Sarah – When I read your post, I feel like you’re trying to find a path forward because there’s a lot of conflicting feelings.

    So I want to walk through a few areas so that we can untangle the different tracks.

    When we can look at each piece individually, they become easier to see clearly and resolve. When it’s all jumbled together, it’s very confusing to find a way forward!

    This is why I encourage writing in a journal so much. You can list out the areas that feel unresolved and reflect on them one-at-a-time.

    So, let’s walk through this:

    When you guys met, he was fresh off a breakup. It sounds like the breakup was actually happening as you guys were together.

    That’s fine, breakups happen. But breakups are messy and one way or another, everyone is forced to deal with the emotional aftermath of a breakup.

    So that’s a factor going on in his world.

    And it’s not just working things out with the ex-girlfriend and whatever mixed feelings each of them have. He’s also fresh out of a relationship and maybe wants to be free for a bit and explore things as a single man.

    There’s nothing wrong with that. BUT it’s a bad idea to wait for him to figure out when he wants to get into a relationship again.

    In fact, waiting for him is the worst thing a woman can do, because she’ll take on all the comforting roles a girlfriend would, but she’s not in a committed relationship, but he has her anyway.

    Therefore, he’s already getting what he’d get by being in a relationship without ever having to change. Why would he change? The payoff is removed, the motivation is removed and on top of that, both of you fall into that routine so it becomes more and more set.

    Now to be clear: I’m not saying that you can’t be in conversations with him or that you have to get rid of him, but you can’t WAIT for him.

    Waiting means: You’re prioritizing him as your #1 romantic interest. You’re not dating. You’re not going out with friends. You’re hoping for a love story to work out with him, etc.

    Now… if I say that to you and you say, “But I just don’t feel interested in any other guys…” then that’s a sign you’re “waiting for him”!

    Reflect on that.

    Moving on, I think this guy feels attraction to you, connects with you emotionally and, at the same time, is a single man.

    He’s a single man who sees himself as a single man. He expresses himself to you as a single man.

    He’s your friend. There’s other stuff there, there’s attraction and you get along, but if you had to characterize this, he’s your friend.

    If you have that expectation that he’s your friend and he’s a single man that will meet other women and sleep with other women, then you’re at least looking at this clearly.

    And if he meets another woman who’s local and has girlfriend potential, he will break things off. So yes you’re a friend, but you’re also a threat to an exclusive relationship so if he finds a local girlfriend, he’s gone.

    Again, I’m not saying you have to stop talking to him. I am saying you want to see this clearly so you can choose what’s best for yourself.

    Now I’m going to speak bluntly here because it’s the only way I know to say this next part…

    What would most women do in your situation?

    They would keep talking to the guy and hoping the situation works out.

    They would feel because they shared a crazy connection for the week and a half they were together that it means they’re meant to be together.

    They would feel that because they talk frequently that they’re building a relationship.

    They would feel that because he doesn’t want her to go, it means he wants the love story to work out the way she does.

    And she will invest her time and attention towards this relationship and let all other opportunities pass by and fade away.

    Soon weeks, months or years will have gone by and she’s talking to this guy, feeling such a strong connect and that they’ve built a relationship together.

    And in a way, they did. They will have built a deep friendship. Maybe they would have seen each other on a few occasions.

    But… if he finds another girl local to him that fits his life and is girlfriend material, then the long distance relationship will be ended.

    It won’t matter how much time you invested. It won’t matter how close you and him became in your conversations.

    At the end of the day, the most a LDR can be is a comforting connection with a dream that someday, somehow it could become something more.

    And we can’t even call this a LDR yet. This is more like a guy you had a great fling with and you comfort each other.

    You comfort each other.

    Comfort is good.

    But that’s what this is. This is not a replacement for a full local relationship because it can’t be.

    The most important part of a LDR is that there’s a transition into a real life relationship.

    You’ve got a guy fresh off the rebound, having one night stands and explicitly expressing that he’s single.

    Then on top of that you’re not local and there’s really no reason to think you would be unless you or him deliberately chose to change your entire life in order to be.

    That’s a lot expectation to put on a relationship that exists because you had a good fling together!

    At the same time, I completely understand not wanting to just cut him off completely because there is goodness there.

    Ask yourself this: What if we were just friends?

    Good friends… friends that could be so open and honest with each other that you knew that in your private life you were both 100% single and dating people, but when you talked you could talk as friends.

    Would that work? That’s not a suggestion, what I’m asking is would that work or is there a reason it wouldn’t?

    • This reply was modified 4 weeks, 1 day ago by  Eric Charles.
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