We can’t be in a relationship, should I still be friends: Update. Advice needed


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This topic contains 31 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Raven 4 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #934716 Reply

    Sarah Marve

    So I posted here 2 months ago about a guy that I met and we spent some time and went long distance, we kept talking but he has a relationship back home that he ended before leaving and would try to work things out with her when he returns so we just kept it as friends between us.

    Update is we kept being friends, talking and texting everyday, just getting closer and getting to know each other. i started dating other men, but he later confessed to having feelings for me and wanting to see if things will workout with us when we meet , and that he was thinking of breaking things off with the girl back home completely.
    I told him to go first and see if things will work out between them but he said it was his choice and he wants us to meet and see if we work out first before he goes back.
    We are supposed to meet in August, so I was getting anxious about it all so I asked him what happens if we we are not able to meet again because currently I am having some things to at may hinder me from seeing him in August but I’m also relocating to his country in September.
    We had a long talk and he said yeah he would want us to see and have some sort of closure and see if things will work out between us or not.
    But also when he goes back he is going to go figure out how things would work with the girl back home and if he eventually breaks up with her he would also not want us to start dating right off cause it would be disrespectful and he would also need some time.
    So now he is saying yes he wants us to see what works but he also doesn’t know what will happen, cause it might work with us or not and he might go back home and things would change with the girl or not.
    So he said let’s just wait and see if things would workout or how it would work out.
    So now I’m confused cause he literally confessed his feelings a few weeks ago and even said we both shouldn’t get into serious relationships now until we are sure if it works out between us or now, I agreed to this cause I’m moving to a new country soon and wouldn’t even be wise to date anyone seriously here, but I still go on casual dates.
    But I was really hoping when we see in August we would work things out and see what happens for us but now even if we meet he still has to go back and would meet that girl and he might decide to break up or not. It’s not certain.
    I then told him we could still keep talking for now, if we are able to meet in August fine , if not then cool but when he goes back home we are not going to be in contact till when he is done figuring out if he is breaking up or not we’ll then decide what’s there.
    I don’t know if I should go ahead and keep talking to him and see what happens, I think now there isn’t much I can do than to watch and see if it happens for us or not, or if I should completely cut contact with him.

    #934717 Reply

    Ewa

    I would suggest to read your post again and then ask yourself why do you even entertain him?
    I am understanding this correctly that you message someone daily who is in fact in relationship? if so he will be doing the same thing to you…
    Please do not believe when men say they will leave someone when, if , whatever their reason is because they won’t.
    He might see in in August but it will be for fun, so far there is no actions it is only words and you are falling for it.
    you can’t be in relationship because he is in another relationship whatever he tells you is not true. I have met so many men who kept saying I broke up with my gf for them to enjoy holiday with that girl next week.
    Why do you want to be friends with him? if you are ok texting and talking with no feelings then fine but I don’t think this is the case here.
    Sorry to be harsh but this won’t be going anywhere because he is using you as an ego boost.

    #934719 Reply

    Sarah Marve

    I mean he and his girlfriend are currently not talking and have some issues that they broke up, so that’s why I kept talking to him. I mean we did decide to just be friends but feelings just kinda crept in and we started talking about how we can work things out but then the girl is not completely out of the picture so I was just anxious with how things would workout.
    But I get your point, he would possibly travel back and things would workout with the girl.
    I only believed him because I know that he is not talking to the girl now and the possibly might not work out.
    But he also did say he is not asking me to wait for him but for us to just wait and see if it would work out.

    #934720 Reply

    Raven

    Cut him off, you’d be waiting for a yo-yo…

    This guy is all over the place!
    He’s got a GF, he doesn’t have a GF, he wants to see you, he needs to wait to see you, he’s going to try & reconcile with his GF & wants you to wait…

    He wants you to wait, wait for what?

    #934721 Reply

    Sarah Marve

    Raven, he did tell me from start he had a girlfriend that he broke up with but they were gonna try to work stuff out when he returns so we stayed friends. But we started getting too close and he then said he wasn’t sure he still wanted to work things out with her, he wanted us to try but he’d still have to see how things play out.
    He even wanted to fly to me so we see and work it out but it didn’t happen. So now we wanted to meet up, and see if we can work stuff out but he would also still have to travel back and sort things out with this girl.

    #934722 Reply

    Ewa

    Sarah,

    you only know what he tells you. From my experience I can guarantee you that his gf doesn’t know they broke up and they still are in a relationship.
    Don’t entertain men who aren’t fully single. He told you nothing would happen because if wouldn’t be fair on his ex? is this what you want from a guy? to wait until someone gets over someone?
    I don’t know , maybe you’ve got a lot of time but you are wasting your time. He is not even worth keeping as an option.

    #934750 Reply

    Sarah Marve

    I’m mean yeah I get that, it’s just that we’ve come so long withe everything and I’m so scared I don’t know how I feel or how to approach everything.

    #934757 Reply

    Raven

    Scared… What are you scared of?

    #934766 Reply

    Sarah marve

    To be honest I’m scared of cutting him off, I’m gotten really close and attached.

    #934776 Reply

    Raven

    Ok, what’s the worst thing that could happen?

    #934777 Reply

    Sarah Marve

    I mean it just sucks . I was really hoping that things would eventually work out between us.8
    I feel hurt

    #934782 Reply

    Raven

    It’s ok to feel hurt, that’s a natural reaction when something doesn’t work out like you hoped it would…

    This guy isn’t making any points in my book.
    He has jacked you around, purposely omitted information (that’s lying). Has a one night stand & rubs it your face. Needs to get back with his GF while asking you to wait for him, Ad nauseam- That’s some nerve…

    You’ve only known each other for 2 months. That’s a lot of bull sh!t for only two months! If this worked out like you are hoping would you be able to trust him, really?

    What is it about this guy that keeps you on the hook?

    #934789 Reply

    Sarah Marve

    It’s actually been 5 months now, the last time I posted about this was 2 months in.
    But I understand what you are saying.
    I’ve been in alot of bad relationships which I even explained to him.
    At some point it just felt like this would he different, I guess maybe that’s why I’ve held on.

    #934791 Reply

    Ewa

    Sarah,

    that is 5 months you could be enjoying with someone else, he knows exactly what he is doing. please cut him off , I know it is scary, but look at that way, that when you do and you have to believe it , you will find the love of your life.
    You need to tell yourself, I want to find someone who will treat my like a priority , someone who will go above and beyond to be with me , not someone who gives me breadcrumbs to keep me interested.

    #934795 Reply

    Raven

    @Sarah Marve, You must start believing that you deserve better, much better. Until then you will lather, rinse, repeat with sh!tty guys like this…

    #934800 Reply

    Sarah Marve

    I appreciate all the advice, I’m trying hard to accept it all. I’m also going to try to cut him off, I tried to avoid his texts and calls today and he keeps trying to reach out. i don’t know if I should just block him immediately.

    #934803 Reply

    Mary

    You really need to stay away until he has resolved his feelings for the other girl…for good. They have history.

    #934804 Reply

    Mary

    And ask yourself what inside you is causing you to feel desperate for him.

    #934805 Reply

    Raven

    @Sarah Marve, If you need to block someone who has treated you so recklessly, you have my blessing- Make It So…

    #934806 Reply

    Rubi

    Sarah, don’t just block or avoid him if you use to talk frequently. He’s going to keep reaching out. Just tell him he needs to sort himself out with the current girlfriend until then it’s a no for you. You don’t wait on him either.

    #934807 Reply

    Sarah Marve

    It’s really hard but I haven’t gotten myself to block him yet, we do talk everyday. However I did delete his number and everything about him but yes he keeps reaching out and has noticed I wasn’t really responding to him so he keeps asking if everything is okay but I haven’t said anything yet. I’m really still trying to absorb all this and get myself to forget this whole situation.

    #934808 Reply

    Sarah Marve

    So this man keeps asking me if everything is okay and if anything happened.
    I don’t think I’m ready to say anything to him yet cause I know he would want us to talk about it and we’ve talked about it so much that I’m exhausted.
    I’m also not fully over him and if I talk about this with him again he would try to talk me out of it.
    I would also block him but it’s happening so fast and I just need time.
    Is it okay that I tell him it’s cool and nothing is wrong and take some time for myself then I can talk to him about it when I’m confident enough?
    Please go easy on me guys, I’ve been talking on phone, texting with this guy for the last 5 months every single day.
    We have each other on all socials and also communicate there as well. We share pictures and every detail of everyday, so it’s quite hard for me.
    Even the fact that I am ignoring and not responding like I would used to is also very hard and this is why he notices.

    #934809 Reply

    Rubi

    Sarah, the best time to get a man to make a decision is when he’s invested. If he’s communicating with you on the daily and not hearing from you is affecting him then he has some investment here.

    If I were you I would open an adult communication right now and tell him really a piece of my mind.

    What I’m not comfortable about this situation is that he has a gf that he’s trying to see if things is working out with. Meaning if things does work out with her, what happens to you? And on the other hand, there’s a gf over there probably getting the gut feelings that her bf is talking to someone else, she’s trying to save her relationship etc. Did he tell you why it’s not working out with the gf? Please share because I want to understand if he’s for real or of he’s just lying about having problems with her.

    I would honestly be open to him about my feelings, the good about him but also the disappointing part. And tell him that my wish is for you and him to be together but as long as he has someone else in the picture you will back away and he might lose you here. If you don’t do this he will string this along and before you know it more months has gone by and you’re still in the same place.

    If you want him to commit to you and get him to make a decision you have to be ready to walk away. Either way you win here.

    #934810 Reply

    Sarah Marve

    Rubi, that makes sense to talk about it now instead of wasting more time.
    About his girlfriend, he said they broke up because he was going to be away for 7 months and they couldn’t do distance and that they weren’t going to be communicating during the 7 months, and when he is back they would see if there is anything to still salvage.
    But after a while passed he also later shared that they weren’t even in the same city again so it was also hard, and the relationship got mundane and he said he didn’t think he wanted to continue but to just break up completely.
    I advised him to still try and work it out before concluding, cause I didn’t want to be the one who came between them but he insisted that it wasn’t so that it was his choice and I wouldn’t make him do what he didn’t already want to do, that if he saw a future with them he wouldn’t be considering not continuing with the relationship.
    So it’s quite alarming that he then said a few days ago that he’d still have to go see what happens between him and her and that during that period we won’t be in contact and that if he does break up he would still need some time. But
    But he did say he was confused and couldn’t do anything now cause he doesn’t know what will happen.
    So the back and forth is quite confusing.

    #934813 Reply

    Rubi

    Okay I sense that he still has some what ifs left with the other girlfriend since their break up was more about the distance.

    And if he is going to still need some time after he finalize this break up I think it’s wise to give some space in between before starting something new. However, in the meantime you’ll be there still waiting upon him you know and as long as he feels safe about not losing you, he won’t be motivated to lock you down.

    You need to withdraw a bit. Don’t hope for anything. Date others if you feel like it. Let him resolve himself out. You said you’ll be in his area in September. I suggest until September you can see where things are.

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