Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › UPDATE!!!!About the blast from the past or still in his present?!
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mama.
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Mariebelle
Hi everyone, I hope everyone is doing fine and it’s ok, I have been busy before quarantine had to travel, that I was not able to do this little update: So at the beginning of this year I decided to talk to him about this woman instead he mentioned her again In feb as I stated in my last post , so at the end of February we were in a hotel I traveled with him for his job, so one of those days being there, he went to shower he left his cell phone in our bed ( it happen to be close to me) and all of a sudden it lights up and it was facebook messenger message from so and so ( which happened to be this woman)
So hold on tight it was this woman right! , they had not text for nearly 3 years, and all of a sudden she says: Hi how are you? I know it’s not your birthday, but I wanted to say hi”, I was in shock cause you can see in the conversation window that they had not talked since when we started going out, only one message when we were in our third month, in which he wished her a happy birthday and that’s it.
What caught my eye is that he had not replied at it, and it was like the third day since this girl had send the message ( so she sent it on a Monday and he Replied on a Thursday ) he replied:” Hi how are you,I hope you are doing very good and I wish u all the best).
So I felt like I needed to tell him in a natural way that I had seen his phone light up that day and it was a facebook message and so on, so When I told him he was like:” its nothing important, neither you should worry about her, I met this girl like 3 years ago and have not talked to her ever since. So i just said in a very nice way to keep her at arm length :” Hi how are you I hope you are doing very good and I wish u all the best). its basically like brushing her off in a nice way, so no more conversations lies ahead or anything.
So I approached this topic with him to ask him why does it hurt him and why does he seem so obsessed to talk so much about her, he denied it, he said it had hit him a little hard at the beginning, when they distanced themselves, he was deceived about her and never thought this woman was so superficial ( according to him).
So he says to me that he did not feel the need to engage in a back and forth conversation with her, that’s why he did not tell her” oh I’m great and happy, I have a girlfriend which is 17 years younger than me. He said this was unnecessary conversation that it would be a SLAP in her face and would ultimately make her feel bad and that he did mot want to make her feel bad or anything ( she is 42) I am (32).
To me it sounded shady, why not tell her and close the conversation there, he didn’t even have to tell her I was 17 years younger than him, just that he is happy, has a girlfriend and that’s it, keep it short, simple & sweet.
Another thing I found weird is that I have a friends cousin that works in the new building where this girl happens to work at now,YUP little world that we live in huh, (and my boyfriend knows exactly this is the new building where she works at, I mean he has her on facebook and she publish photos of this building and mentions it and what not, he always says negative comments of this new building that she works in ( he says it looks weird, that is ugly in his opinion, nothing special etc) .
So in regards to his negative comments of this building,I told him that my friends cousin works there as the Spa Director and said that it was a very luxurious building but nothing special or anything different than all the other luxurious building in the city.
So a week before quarantine we went to a beautiful outdoor park and this building is in front of this park, it was a Saturday, so when we were leaving I had to go to the bathroom to pee, so as soon as we are walking in front of this building to go get the car he says very naturally: Oh why don’t you go tell your friend in the building to let you go use the bathroom , she’s your friend right” I was lost for words, I was like she us my friends cousin, I don’t know her personally, so I insisted and we left.
cupcake
I don’t see how it is shady for him not to mention you to a woman he hasn’t talked to in three years. I mean he is completely right, it would have just lead to an unnecessary back and forth. He seems to consider her as essentially a stranger. Why would he tell her about his love life?
The fact that he isn’t engaging in conversation with her clearly shows he has no interest in her. So i don’t understand why you are being worried over it? Don’t you ever have people from your past pop up?People you don’t want to chat with? People you are not interested in. Not even enough to make small talk? Do you just randomly blurt out the details of your romantic life? I doubt it
Don’t understand your issue in the second paragraph? So you where close to a place where someone he believed you knew worked. And he figured you could ask the to use the toilet ( which makes sense to me on his part), but it upset/insulted you….because…????huh?
cupcake
Also why do YOU know where this random girl from his past works? Are you stalking her on facebook? (Or better said are you stalking her through his facebook?). And what has any of that to do with his toilet remark or that he thinks the building is ugly?
You are making yourself paranoid i think and its gonna sabotage your relationship. Is there are reason for your mistrust of him or mistrust in general?
Ss
It’s you that seems obssesed with her. It’s like you are on high alert for anything connected to her.
He brushed her off. It would have been really odd if he had responded as you suggested- saying he has a gf 17 years younger! Why on earth would he say that??
I don’t get the issue here. You are insecure about her, I get that, but you say he barely responded to her message days later and somehow thats shady?!
I don’t know why you are so hung up on this woman- just stop this nonsense and let it go for the sake of your sanity as you are coming off as a bit paranoid and frankly a bit odd!
Lane
I agree with others in that you are more obsessed with this woman than he is!!! I think you need to address why this woman makes you so insecure and insane? Seriously, he has done nothing wrong yet you turn a simple innocent text into a major natural disaster! Are you trying to pick a fight for something he didn’t even do? It sounds like nothing this man does will ever make you feel safe or secure. I’m surprised he’s put up with it for this long honestly.
Nothing is there. She’s probably bored and reaching out to random people just asking how they are doing, and hoping everyone’s OK given the current circumstances. Stop making a mountain out of a mole hill.
kaye
‘m trying to remember your previous post. I can recall about the building and her working there. Forgive me if I have you confused with someone else, but is this the girl who used to work with and she’s really attractive like model looks and has all the guys wanting to date her? It’s so weird because I had something similar happen to me yesterday. A guy I dated before my husband (we can call him Mr. Ghost) randomly texted me to say he had just passed me on the highway and was in front of me. The last text I got from him was actually on my wedding day with him wishing me good luck and happiness. That has been quite a few years ago. I sent a one word reply, he replied back and I let the conversation end. I had no feelings about the text or any desire to continue a conversation with him and absolutely no desire to tell my husband I heard from him. If they haven’t talked in 3 years and that was the 3rd month you were going out then how can you be so insecure and worried about this woman over 3 YEARS later?!?!
And then to bring it up to him asking why it hurts him and he seems obsessed with her. Just because he has talked to you about an ex doesn’t mean he’s obsessed or wants her back. And no I wouldn’t expect a decent guy to rub it in her face he’s happy and dating a woman much younger than him. Actually I would feel like if he did that he still did have feelings for her because it’s like he had to prove something by telling her that. His neutral response is exactly what you would have wanted.
I also don’t think it’s weird if you told him you knew someone in the building that you could go in and ask to use the bathroom. Why would you be at a loss for words? You simply say, oh I only know she works there from my friend, I’ve never met her personally. I don’t understand why you’re trying to start a fight over nothing. As some of the others said, you are the one obsessed with this woman, not him!! It is making you insecure and insecurity and jealousy is not attractive at all.
T from NY
Agree with the rest – I can’t believe you can’t see how well he handled this! He waited 3 days to reply to her. That’s a big indication to her that her communications are not a priority to him! Instead you are trying to find fault. This behavior is what make men nuts and give the rest of us ladies a bad name. Believe me I understand the temptation. The man Im dating ex-wife reached out to him recently during the pandemic and she is stunning! Total model type! (I think Im attractive, but you know what I mean!) I felt a little insecure, then realized – they divorced a long time ago. Hes with me and treats me like a queen.
Make a choice. Walk away from the crazy thoughts. Concentrate on being happy with your man. Don’t look for problems where there are none.
mell
1. He did not reply immediately – therefore she is not a priority, and that’s a signal to her to be aware that he’s not going to jump on her messages and that he doesn’t want to engage.
2. He said, correctly hat the didn’t want to message back and forth with her. This is a good thing.
3. Look, I don’t tell every guy who flirts with me or every random dude who messages me I have a boyfriend- I try to disengage the conversation if I feel it’s going that way. If they asked me out or made it obvious, THEN I’d mention the BF. There’s something insecure about hoping he’d talk to her just to mention you – it’s much better for him to just not talk to her at all, right?
4. He has a right to feel weid about his ex messaging him, but don’t keep hassling him about his exes. If a woman really was in his life, it wouldn’t be the odd facebook message – she’d be texting him and phoning him etc. Facebook messages are for people who you’ve connected via social media but are barely (or not) in your life.
5. He is not responsible if a woman texts him, or messages him, or wishes him happy birthday on his wall. Yes, even if it’s an ex. He’s responsible only for how he replies and whether he takes it further. In this case, he is acting maturely and there’s no sign he’s cheating. So the issue here is your jealousy, not the fact his ex messaged. You can’t control his ex – there’s always gonna be an old friend or past ex or something that might message your guy once in a blue moon. you have to control how you react to it and rise above.
Lane
Mell, I understand your new to the forum and give good advice. However, can you please refrain from responding to a month old posts as if the OP (original poster) responded and you responded back. Please stick to the recent ones, and if the OP hasn’t responded, which is very common (they post and ghost), let it go. Thank you and welcome to our community!
Steph
Mell said it perfectly. He clearly isn’t interested in this woman. His response to her was also indicative of that. Short, to the point, and shutting down any possible further engagement in conversation. I think you’re going to make yourself crazy here.
ANM StaffKeymasterMod update: I agree with Lane’s sentiment and tone. My usual line when I’m shutting down *really* old threads is “let’s keep things fresh” – so let’s keep things fresh! :)
It’s true, a lot of our posters tend to post-and-ghost – that’s just the nature of a forum like this. A lot of them flutter away after just a week. (Of course, some do stick around and keep an eye on their thread even if it’s been inactive. In fact I see a thread alongside this one that is an example of that. Another poster acknowledged advice given in a thread that was inactive for a little while. That’s why I don’t smoosh threads that were inactive for just a couple weeks.)
But at the same time, I also want to echo Lane’s sentiment that Mell is welcome here! I very much appreciate the positive contributions to our community, and the eagerness to give advice to those who are in need of it. The diversity of opinions and life experiences is a boon to keeping this forum healthy and helpful.
Having said all that, I’m not worried – after all, we’re running out of “young topics” to update anyway. ;)
To Mariebelle, in case she’s still reading this thread, my apologies for going off track here – carry on, best wishes to you!
mell
Hey, Lane and Staff, thanks, that’s very sweet of you. I found this place on a fluke, but I’m always up for learning about how to do better as well as give advice. and there’s been a lot of welcoming and advice here.
I have to admit the few forums I occasionally frequent are often a bit niche, so people don’t reply often, so it’s got me out of the habit of worrying about thread necromancy (plus I got used to tumblr where it’s hard to date anything). When a topic comes up as updated recently I don’t always twig how far ago the OP wrote in – that’s totally my bad. I’m still figuring out how old is ‘too’ old, but not going back more than a couple of weeks is reasonable. Now I know which posts are older/ have seen them already, I’m sure I’ll do better.
But I can apprecate that it’s not fun for regulars to see old threads they know died come back ad keep going because people keep replying to an OP that never returns. And now I’ll let it die, but I just wanted to acknowledge your very kind feedback :D
ANM StaffKeymaster:D
Mariebelle
NEW UPDATE!!! Hi everybody so my boyfriend and I had already talked about this after I posted here and took in consideration all of your opinions and we sorted things out, he apologized says he loves me and it was “ never with the intention of anything “ he said he felt comfortable speaking with me about it and so on, so I decided to give him a chance and start from there but recently I found out some things I didn’t know of which I don’t know what to think of.
And just a disclaimer I wasn’t snooping, I was working on a hard drive he gave me to save some pictures from his work and it appeared literally in my face, I believe he had forgotten or thought they were not there.
For those of you who never read my PAST thread il give a brief explanation below.
Around August 2016 my now boyfriend as an engineer that he is, started working on a luxurious residential building on the beach where he met this girl that caught his eye big time, he has talked to me about this girl a couple of times now ( last time was February 2020).
So when he spoke about her to me, he always said how beautiful, model looking this girl is, that she had all these rich men sending her flowers etc, and that all the men that lived in that building were after her. He even said she had a COKE BOTTLE BODY ( which is a lie, cause I have seen her already, it’s IDEALIZED and all in his head.
Why in the world would he even exaggerate this woman’s attributes when I know he is in fact exaggerating them, it makes him seem more obsessed, the girl is attractive and pretty but nothing as he describes her.
They began to date in around Jan-Feb 2017 , they never ended up having a real relationship but I feel that he IDEALIZED way to much and was deeply falling for her. ( she had gone through a break up with her past boyfriend due to the fact that he cheated on her.
So most recently I discovered he has an album of her and this other girl he dated after her on his mobile gallery, and even worse he has 3 folders of backups, of this building that he worked in and met her, including a backup of her pictures and snapshots of all their whatsapp conversations , all stored in a hardrive. WHY IN THE WORLD KEEP 3 FOLDERS BACKUPS OF SCREENSHOTS FROm ALL THEIR CONVERSATIONS AND PICTURES?
It seems this man was really into this girl or at least obsessed about her, cause from the way he talked to me about her and all this collection of her photos ( including sexy pictures), conversations and some pictures of them, plus it was obvious that they talked to each other/ dated longer that what he had told me. ( ps nobody obsesses so quickly about someone they don’t even know.
Another thing I find very STRANGE is that he ALSO took the girl he went out with after this girl to the building she works in, HE ALSO TOOK ME.
Another thing I want to ask, and need you to be real honest is , why hasn’t he ever compared me physically to her or at least ( knowing that I am good looking, great body) at least say to me but your way more better looking than her babe,, you know like some real honest reassurance cause I am his girlfriend now, that’s just the PAST!!
Nat
My my..you are so insecure in this relationship!
I think what you’re feeling or looking for is validation. You feel like that girl was so great to your current man that he still has fond memories of her he hasn’t let go.
You’re looking for evidence of his feelings for her and frankly if you’re playing detective in his personal things, you’re bound to find stuff that’s going to hurt you. Simply because you will overthink everything.
You want your man’s validation and compliments and the kind of attention you think he seems to be giving to her. You want him to respect you.
Honestly I don’t understand his collection of her old picture and screenshots, maybe it’s his thing he likes to do, meaning if you two ever breaks up he will also keep your pictures and convos. But if this bothers you so much you can ask your boyfriend to reassure you. This is what I would have done. He seems like the kind of person who is patient with you so you can have that conversation heart to heart. Then decide to let it go or let him go if you cannot trust him. Period.
Peggy
Hi Mariebelle. You sound very jealous,insecure and high maintenance. I don’t think he is doing much of anything wrong but it is obvious you don’t trust him. My advice is to break up with him. Then,because this seems to be your issue, and nothing he has don, stop dating for six months and get therapy to work on your insecurity and self esteem problems. That is my honest feedback.
Lane
Seriously? I still don’t understand YOUR obsession with this woman! Honestly, I think she was very charismatic, I’ve seen those types where they don’t have to be beautiful, just plain jane pretty but their charisma drips off of them and makes men go gaga. Just know Charasmatic people have some serious flaws, you just can’t see them until they are revealed and they always reveal them in the most un-charasmatic way!
So what, he still has pictures or brings her up every once in awhile…big whoop! (Do you see the insignificance I demoted her to?) Either get over your obsessions with this woman, or do your BF a favor and tell him you don’t feel pretty or beautiful enough for him because of her star status (that YOU have given her, not him) and break up to end this self induced torture.
FYI, my ex husbands ex wife was really beautiful but she was a friggen psycho! I never once felt she was a threat to me or our marriage, except once when she sent him some cards wishing he was still married to her and our boys were hers!!! Yup, that happened to me.
Guess what I did? NOTHING because he was FREE to go back to her at any time, and guess what he did? NOTHING! Its been 12 years since our divorce, after 20+ years of marriage and guess who he never went back too? Her. Why? Because that shipped had sailed and he didn’t want to go back on that crazy ride again. Food for thought.mama
1. Yes you were snooping. I used my boyfriend’s computer a few months ago and found a few naked images of his ex-girlfriend in his trash folder (I had accidentally deleted a file that I wasn’t done with). Guess what I did? Nothing. I got my file, finished what I needed to do then went on with my life. I also decided to never use his computer again! lol
2. You are the one who is obsessed with this woman. You keep finding out information that you think proves HE’s obsessed with her but in fact, it just proves how much YOU are.
3. Not sure what your end-game here is. Do you want to be in a happy healthy relationship or do you want to prove yourself “right”? Ever heard of confirmation bias? That’s exactly what you’re doing… snooping and trying to find things behind his back that prove you right regardless of the fact that you had conversations about it with him. Be careful what you wish for.
4. You either accept his word and trust him and LET IT GO FOR GOOD, or you end the relationship. It is unhealthy for you to constantly second guess him. -
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