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Liz Lemon.
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Tina
I’ve been seeing this guy for a month now. It started off strong and it still is going pretty strong. He has been taking me out on dates I’ve met almost all of his friends, I spend the night at his place about twice a week and he talks about future plans with me. He took me to an event where his boss would be and I met his boss and a lot of his coworkers. So I feel almost like he is treating me like a gf?
Within the first week while we both were pretty intoxicated we both agreed that we were exclusive. We have been sleeping together since that talk. We don’t necessarily hook up every time we see each other either.
So 2 weeks ago I brought up that he is the only guy I am seeing and he agreed that I am the only girl he is seeing but that he will not be ready for any type of relationship “for a while and doesn’t want to lead me on”
He told me that he just got out of a relationship that ended 5 months ago. He said it was a relationship that only lasted a few months but they started dating within the first month of meeting and he doesn’t wanna make that mistake again.Then we agreed that if one of us were to hook up with someone else we would let the other one of us know but he also said he has no intention hooking up with someone else. So I know that this is definitely kind of a situationship right now but at the same time we have only known each other for a month.
He has been very consistent though this whole time.
The texting is not as strong as it was in the beginning, the first two weeks he would talk to me every day asking how my day was and now he really only hits me up when it comes to making plans but the most we go without talking is 2 days.Does anyone have any perspective on this or maybe been in a similar situation? I feel like maybe it would be a good idea for me to stop sleeping with him because that’s girlfriend privileges? Almost everybody I know is telling me to relax and that he is showing that he is taking me seriously and how it’s only been a month and he probably only said he couldn’t be in a relationship bc I asked him 2 weeks in.
mama
If I were you I would pull back a bit and keep your options open. Whenever a guy says they aren’t ready for a relationship does not bode well for the future if that’s what you are looking for.
And don’t assume he doesn’t mean what he said. Stop making those kinds of excuses for him. He said he’s not emotionally available for you regarding a relationship and you need to listen. If you want a relationship, find someone who is available for a relationship now, not sometime in the future. You aren’t dating future guy, you’re dating in the present.
You have to look at this realistically.
Maddie
I agree with mama. There’s a difference between “I want to take things slowly to get to know each other first but am looking for or open to a relationship later” versus “I’m not ready for a relationship and won’t be any time soon and don’t want to lead you on”. It’s also a yellow flag that he’s not over a short relationship 5 months out even though he’s sleeping with you and treating you like a gf. Also, when words and actions don’t line up, believe the one that’s the most negative of the two. It’s always a problem when something is misaligned with a new partner and leaving you confused.
You will need to accept that this may be a rebound-type situation for him. You shouldn’t stop sleeping with him to play a game (withdrawing “girlfriend privileges” specifically in hopes he’ll change his behavior), but you should figure out what you’re looking for both from him and in general. If it’s building towards a real relationship then mama is right again that you should keep your options open and date others rather than solely investing in someone who isn’t looking for what you want right now. If you can’t be open to that if you’re sleeping with him because that’s distracting to you, but you do want to see where things can go, you can tell him you want to slow it down and get to know each other better as friends and revisit later if he feels more ready to work towards a potential relationship. But don’t close yourself off for him and invest emotionally in him when he’s told you he can’t do the same in the foreseeable future.
AngieBaby
When a man is recently out of a relationship and tells you he’s not ready to be in a new relationship, after dating you for a while, in my opinion you stop seeing him. He might be open to a relationship in the future, let’s see where this goes… yeah and I might eat some cotton candy next summer even though I stopped eating that crap when I was 10. That’s a line to keep you hoping so you stick around. It’s emotional anorexia.
What he really just said is he doesn’t see you as relationship material. You’ve just become FWB, if you choose to stick around. You’ve already “auditioned” for the role of GF long enough and you’ve been told you are only a supporting character and never going to get the lead.
After reading this site for a while, it’s clear to me that women get attached and don’t do casual well, they wind up getting used and/or getting hurt. If you keep seeing him, no matter what you tell yourself about “I’m not serious about him and I’m keeping my options open and having fun with him”, you will be blocking other men who are better fit.
This is the time to say – thanks for being honest… I’m looking for someone is ready for a relationship and knows after dating as long as we have that he wants me. I respect that’s not you at this time. I think we’d both be better off if we stopped seeing each other and dated other people who are more compatible. I’ve really enjoyed my time with you and I’m glad we met.
Otherwise, what will happen is, he will meet someone else who knocks his socks off eventually and dump you so fast it will make your head spin. And you really can’t get upset because he was honest with you – you accepted his weak terms and kept auditioning.
I know it won’t be easy if you like him and have fun with him, but this is not going anywhere and he’s been honest and clear about that. He will hang onto you if you allow it, but it will only be for as long as it’s convenient for him. Saying yes to continuing to see him is saying no to you meeting the right man who really wants you.
AngieBaby
If you REALLY can’t bear to stop seeing him right now, then I’d give it at most another 4-6 weeks… but I can almost guarantee you’ll hear the same thing.
AngieBaby
And I have to back off somewhat on what I said… for some reason it didn’t register you’ve only been seeing him for a month. That is not a long time. I thought it was longer for some reason. At the point you’ve been seeing someone 8-12 weeks is the time to call it off. But in this case he’s already told you he’s not ready for another relationship and he’s 5 months out of a short relationship. Meh. Like I just said, you could give it more time, but he’s likely to repeat what he’s already told you. I like Maddie’s idea about saying since you know you’re not ready for the next thing, let’s slow it down and spend time together as friends, not dating. (Which will not include sex.) See what he says to that.
Maddie
Correct, I definitely meant cut off sex regardless since you’re not looking for a casual situation, but do it for yourself and not to try to get any specific response out of him.
And I agree with what AngieBaby said in her earlier posts as good advice if you’d already been dating him for longer. After only a month, while I’m skeptical this will turn around because of the other flags he’s waving, it’s also hard to expect anyone to commit after only knowing them such a short time.
AngieBaby
Yes Maddie. Exactly what you just said. Given what he’s said, it would be wise to stop “dating” and stop the sexual activity.
OP – at only a month, it’s a little soon to just boot him out of your life – it will be very interesting to hear how he responds to the being friends first idea and then how he follows up on it. He might agree, but disappear. Or he might agree and feel relieved and be glad to spend time to get to know you without the relationship pressure hanging right over his head. I just wouldn’t have high expectations of a romantic relationship with this guy.
Lane
You are not dating right. Stop asking men those silly questions. All you need to do is watch, observe and carefully listen…BELIEVE THE NEGATIVES! The moment a man say’s anything along the lines of “I’m not looking for a relationship” it means, in guy code, “I’m not looking for a relationship with you!”
Do not act like a GF unless you are one. You are a free agent (single woman) who should be meeting and dating others until you mutually decide to get off the market and give it a real go as a couple. Its fine to date guys like him if you’re not looking for anything meaningful but if you are then don’t waste your time on the “time wasters” (aka “heartbreakers”)
Ewa
I would say keep seeing him but then he is clearly showing you he isn’t that into it especially now that he doesn’t even text you everyday and if I am honest I think you asked way too soon, you barely even know him , it is good to know where you stand but you can tell that this guy is starting to cut off the communication with you so it will probably end soon whether you want it or not
tammy
agree with the other posters. After few weeks when a guys says what he has, it usually doesn’t transpire into a full fledged relationship even later on. its almost like he has warned you off. rather than tell you lets slow down and see where this leads us. i would do what the other posters have suggested.
Ewa
can I also just add because I was in a similar situation and even though he didn’t call it a relationship he treated me better than some of my ex’s did in the past.
Commitment /relationship status means nothing these days , if he wants to find another woman he will , whether you are committed or not , guys have plenty of options on social media these days, you don’t even need to be on dating apps to meet someone.
we had cases on this forum where men just woke up one day and didn’t love this girl anymore and I am sure you have heard of cases like that too so again whether you are committed or not , this can happen.
Your guy clearly stated he doesn’t want to lead you on and starting cutting off the communication for you to get de-attached so this won’t lead to anything I am afraid.
Also the fact that he isn’t interested how your day was and only messages you to arrange dates means he either has other options or is slowly losing interest.in the future date to find a partner with potential , not to get into a relationship.
Zoe
He told you he doesnt want to be in a relationship with you. What we say is irrelevant
You move on!Tallspicy
Lesson here: don’t sleep with someone until you are their girlfriend.
Lesson here: words and actions need to be consistent. Believe whichever is worse if inconsistent, but the inconsistency is a red flag. Men can treat you well and still not want anything serious.
You are someone whose company he enjoys. Men can date someone like that a long time.
Ewa
everyone here is talking about how she needs to move on, why is no one asking the question why you didn’t feel the need to ask someone after knowing them 2 weeks if they want you as their gf?
If I was a guy that would freak me out? It is not healthy for him to commit to you after 2 weeks or even a month , that would be red flag!
do you know him well enough to say yeah I want to have future with this guy? I doubt it.
I am not surprised he said no , because who wouldEwa
you also spend a nice at his place, see him twice a week, met all of his friends all in one month, that is definitely rushing in
learn from your mistakes in the futureLiz Lemon
The first thing that jumped out at me was that the OP tried to define the relationship after only 2 weeks. As others have said, that’s way too soon. On the future you should date a couple months before you try to DTR.
Also agree with Ewa that staying 2x a week at his house, meeting his friends , talking about the future etc, when only a month in is way too fast.
This guy sounds like a future faker & they always burn out fast. A man who’s in a healthy mindset for a relationship paces things and doesn’t rush. Psychology articles say the best pace to date a new person is seeing them once a week for the first month or so (you can google this). It allows you to get to know the person at a reasonable pace & not get swept away & move too fast.
You have definitely moved too fast with this guy. But it sounds like he’s not in a headspace for a relationship & is enjoying your company. Since he moved so fast at the beginning I suspect this situation will burn out quickly. No guy who is seeking a relationship would be talking about the future with a woman he’s been dating a month, or introducingher to his boss. This guy is just enjoying the fantasy for now.
Liz Lemon
Also: agreeing to date exclusively is not the same as defining the relationship. My bf and I started sleeping together about 6 weeks into dating and agreed we were exclusive. But we didn’t define the relationship and formally become boyfriend/girlfriend until a couple months after that. It’s good to agree on exclusivity early, especially when sex is involved, but given it some time before trying to DTR.
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