To those who have ghosted or been ghosted after months?


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  • #693925

    ana

    I just don’t see how ‘I ghosted on him because he deserved it’ is different from ‘I hit him because he deserved it’ or ‘I raped her because she deserved it’. No one deserves such things and doing them is on people who do them, not on people on the receiving end. In any case, if I were him I would think good riddance. The only lesson that I would learn would be to pcik up people more wisely in the future and not get involved with someone who has no courtesy or morals. Which is exactly what we say on this site to women who suffer because they’ve been ghosted on.

    #693926

    kaye

    Ana, you are entitled to your opinion just as Ola is but to compare ghosting someone to physical abuse or rape is quite ridiculous! Let’s compare apples and oranges here. Ghosting someone is rude and disrespectful and cowardly but it’s certainly not the worst thing you can do to someone or even he worst way to break up with someone! And yes I’ve had it happen to me after only a couple months and he did try to come back but I didn’t see him again.

    Ola, you can do what you feel is right in your situation. None of us know the extent of his treatment to you and whether or not he “deserves” this or that. Personally I would tell someone it’s over and make it clear I was done. I would actually get pleasure out of telling a guy who did me wrong that it was over, he needs to lose my number and don’t ever contact me again. I wouldn’t want him to think he can pop up later to check in on me and see how I’m doing.

    #693933

    anon

    I think ghosting can be very emotionally abusive. It took me a long time to get past being ghosted by a man who I had a very strong connection with. A lot of it manifests itself into future relationships; ie, I tend to panic if I don’t hear back from a guy within a standard time frame. Prior to being ghosted? It never really occurred to me to worry about not hearing back about plans promptly. It’s also making a person hold a space for you until they come to the conclusion that they’ve been ghosted. First 24 hours? Maybe you are busy. Couple of days? Panic that you may be sick, hurt or worse. Maybe it takes them a week of worrying to write you off. Even if you are ghosted before a “real” relationship is formed, after 2-3 dates, it’s obvious that someone at least minimally likes you on some level and that you aren’t an after-thought.

    Id it rape or physical abuse? No. But it’s certainly not a healthy thing to do to another person. It’s like a worse form of rejection- one where they couldn’t be bothered to tell you they were rejecting you.

    #693946

    Kathy

    Well.. I think that is Ola is doing here.. She can’t be bothered to tell him she is rejecting him because he has treated her pretty badly…

    #693948

    Melissa

    My Boyfriend of three years ghosted me a month ago. No rhyme no reason. And the week before the ghosting we see happy and talking about buying a house together. I was hurt and lost.

    I sent him a long text about how much he hurt me with no response.

    Good riddance to that insecure losers.

    #693949

    ana

    my point was not to compare ghosting to physical abuse, but to analyse the ‘he deserves it’ claim. however, I agree that, depending on circumstances, ghosting can be an emotional abuse (which, as psychologists often claim, is worse than physical abuse). to me it sounds like Ola is performing some form of a silent treatment, as she explains herself, it is supposed to be a form of a punishment… very obviously, it’s not simply that she can’t be bothered to tell him, there is so much more going on behind this move. none of my business though and I’m not trying to heal the world here. I was just appalled by arrogance of the ‘he deserves it’ claim and by advocating ghosting in Ola’s posts.

    #693953

    anon

    It’s one thing in abusive/toxic relationships. The majority of people hurt by ghosting are those who didn’t see it coming, either in good relationships or dating someone they were getting along with/treating well.

    I think men in particular ghost because they are simply afraid of what they might have to hear if you break it off. My advice to them is to send the last message, make sure they see it, then cut off contact. Don’t let your last message be “hey baby can’t wait to see u again”….

    #693981

    Ola

    @ Kaye

    Thanks for this statement “Ola, you can do what you feel is right in your situation. None of us know the extent of his treatment to you and whether or not he “deserves” this or that”

    And that’s my point all along.

    These other innuendos and armchair psychologists (i.e ana) is irrelevant to me. The world is not flat.

    #693989

    WHY

    At the end of the day, we all have a choice in what we do with what we know-and how we react.

    @Melissa, if someone I was with for 3 years (or even a 6 month) committed exclusive relationship ghosted me for no apparent reason (there was no argument, abuse or extenuating circumstance prior) I would be done.

    As in completely.

    Not that it wouldn’t hurt. It would, but it makes it so much easier to get over someone who shows you in word and deed how unworthy of you they are. It doesn’t seem that way at the time, but in retrospect it is a blessing in disguise.

    There is a message in the way someone treats us. You just have to be willing to listen and pay attention.

    The message of someone who is abusive, toxic, inconsiderate, cowardly, rude, and thoughtless? Waste of your time, and unworthy of your tears.

    Those messages offer the best lessons when you find the maturity to learn from it.

    Also, we all have a choice in what we accept. I would not tolerate months of inconsiderate or abusive behavior.

    Maybe another lesson is learning when to walk away immediately from these types. It’s a lesson I learned the hard way. But I’m glad I learned it. It’s made my life since those tough lessons so much easier.

    #694948

    Anon

    i dated a man on and off for a year. Then we became serious. We eventually moved in together and lived together for about 4 months, when one day he gave me a kiss on the couch, and told me he’s quickly going to visit his folks. I said have a great time, bye. He said, no, not bye, I’ll be home in an hour. And he never came home. After a few weeks i eventually packed all his stuff in boxes and left it in the garage. 3 Months later he called me and told me we need to talk about everything, sort it out. I told him to go fly a kite. Come pick up his stuff when I’m not home. He showed up at my house the same night, and I refused to let him in. He eventually picked up his belongings whilst I wasn’t home. But kept calling me and messaging me for about another year. I still don’t know why he did what he did, and as I don’t speak to him at all, I never will

    #694949

    Anastasia

    Hei Anon, thanks for sharing. I can’t imagine what you went through. Let me ask whether you had any gut feeling about what’s coming with that guy. I have a hard time understanding the person (presumably, human being) that would do that to a partner.

    #694970

    Emma

    Everyone, I mean everyone knows, that ghosting is extremely painful to the receiving party. Saying that “they don’t realize” or believing it when they tell you that is like saying I did not realize punching you would hurt you. You seriously lack in judgment if you think that another normal person “doesn’t get it”. They all get it. They know what they are doing, and they are doing it because they don’t care, they don’t want to bother, they want to cause pain, they don’t “enjoy” good-byes and don’t want to hear questions it is bothersome to them. Whatever the reasons, they KNOW it is very hurtful and damaging to the receiving party. It is much more hurtful to be ghosted than to have a normal breakup. Everyone under the moon knows it.

    I am with those who think that ghosting a guy who treated you horribly is ok. He will not learn now matter what you say or do. People who treat others appallingly would not learn to be nicer from anything. But his ego and his pride will be hurt more if he is ghosted by a woman who he thought was under his thumb. Like all people, he’d go through a horrible cycle of hope and despair, because he accepts what’s happened. And when he does, he would get ANGRY, because most abusers are very angry people. And they say anger burns like fire. So let him burn. LOL

    But I also agree with those who say that the real issue is how to recognize those types and NOT get involved or walk away immediately, as soon as you realize what he is.

    #711527

    zara

    thank you to everyone who has posted, just been ghosted by a guy i was seeing for 6 months, he had exams and so i made a lot of excuses for his poor behaviour but once the exams were done it got even worse. Annoyed at myself for putting up with it for so long. The signs were all there! But take comfort in the fact that i’m not the only one and therefore it’s not about me it’s about him. He’s the loser. He could have just ended it but he didn’t he choose this. Like someone said before when you meet the right person you’ll be glad he ghosted you. problem is I thought he was the right person. Fingers and toes crossed I meet this ‘right one’ soon!!!

    #712979

    Carrie

    I was ghosted after 6 months. Things were slow but steady between us… he’s a single dad with full time custody. He had just said shortly before ghosting how he wanted to see each other more and other things meaning he wanted to step things up.

    I did feel he had so much going on and that he had been trying very hard to give things a chance to grow. I did also feel he felt pulled in many directions and guilt for any time he took for himself away from his kids and didn’t know how to tell me.

    Was it fair or respectful to me? No. Could I allow some understanding for his point of view? Yes. Even if I believed what he did was a struggle for him and caused him pain, does that mean I thought what he did was justified? Absolutely not.

    Some people have their own misguided reasons for ghosting. It isn’t always a case of doing it just for the hell of it. That may help the person ghosted understand just a tiny fraction better, but it doesn’t change the result or how hurtful and disrespectful it is.

    #712987

    Amy

    To me, ghosting is a dreadful insult. It’s a way of telling someone that whatever was between you, it wasn’t even important enough to the ghoster to acknowledge it or its end. That whoever got ghosted was so insignificant and disposable, they didn’t even deserve a goodbye.

    I personally wouldn’t ghost a guy for any reason other than abuse. I ran into a few jerks while dating, one of which went so far as to tell me I “failed” because I didn’t get intimate with him on our second date – I gave him a scathing reply that if all he wanted was women who put out, he needed to go find a brothel and stop wasting my time (I’d made it clear on my profile that I wasn’t in a hurry to get physical).

    I felt better telling him off and giving him a piece of my mind than I would’ve if I’d said nothing; I think letting him know his comment angered me was my way of telling him that I valued myself and if he didn’t, he could pound sand.

    Ghosting is cowardly, insulting, and not something I’d ever resort to unless contacting the person would put me in actual danger. I’d want to know why something stalled out or ended, so I tend to give others the same answers I’d want myself. The Golden Rule and all that, I suppose.

    #713811

    henriette

    About 3 years ago i casually dated a man for a very short time period. We went on a few dates. We were intimate a few times. Then he simply disapeared. Truth be told, I wasn’t all that into him in any case, so I didn’t feel much hurt as a result. I just moved on with my life

    Then, beginning of this year, a full 2.5 years after disapearring, he sent me a message about how sorry he is and how bad he feels about his behavior etc. I accepted his apology and believed he may have done something out of character for him due to being newly divorced

    We started chatting again. Then we arranged to see each other the Sunday. And on the Sunday i didn’t hear a word from him. So i told him in no uncerain terms to go fly a kite. I’m not interested in wasting my time with him anymore

    Since then he’s sent me a message telling me he’s thinking about me, every week. For 5 months now. Without any response from me…..

    Really insane…..

    #729129

    Taylor Grieve

    So I met this guy back in August at my bestfriends engagement party. We hit it off and a couple of us went out to a couple of bars had a good time went home with him . I wasnt expecting it to go anywhere.long story short he contacted me to catch up ,and thats all it was nothing intimate then we started talking more and more and started seeing each other for 3 months i thought it was going well then boom out of nowhere he just stopped talking to me i asked him if it was me and had i done something nothing no reply i even said if you dont want to talk to me just say still 0

    #729140

    tahnos

    I met a girl on tinder this time last year we started seeing each other for 3 months but then she started to get distant because she was going overseas for 6 months. she was always too busy to see me because at the time she was training 20 hours a week for her worlds comp and working a lot. but i figured that was fair enough and i didn’t want to get too attached myself because the fact she was leaving. we ended things and she blocked me.
    4 months later she got back in contact with me, she apologised for blocking me and being confusing. she was still overseas at this point so we talked for 2 months until she got home.
    as soon as she got home she got really distant, i asked her to meet up and she said she wanted to but didnt put effort into planning anything. so we decided to call instead to talk, she said she was keen to, i asked what day she wanted to and got no reply,
    so i waited 2 days and then i sent her a nice but firm msg about how i was confused and hurt as to why she didnt reply (i knew everything was okay because she had been online a lot)
    she never replied to that, 3 days later she blocked me.
    I don’t understand why she got back in contact with me after all that time just to waste 2 months of my life again.
    Im still very upset i figured her coming back was a sign that we were meant to be.

    #733130

    Kerry

    I was just ghosted after a 7 month whirl wind relationship. We are both in our 40’s. We we’re planning on moving in together within the next month or two because I live 2 hours away and could also devote time to learning his business and work there with him as well. I was willing to completely start a new life with this man. He was wonderful to me. Wrote me poety, complimented me all the time, opened doors. But I slowly began to notice this self proclamed millionaire was having me pay every time we went out. And I make far less than him. I have savings from my divorce settlement, but I could never live off of that! I and was beginning to wonder if he needed me to take care of him financialy. Even though I would only go there on average a few days a week, he actually allowed me to pay for his groceries several times and would talk about how he had all these deals that were going to close….soon. I started to have serious doubts this man is who he presented himself to be when we met. I know business owners and I am one….things were not adding up. I decided I would need to have a talk about how we was doing financialy as we were planning on sharing a life. I started pulling back and not offering to pay for things as often and it seemed ok with him. We still went out on occasion, although less. Because I genuinely liked him, I wanted to help him anyway I could and was prepared to loan him money or whatever he needed. I loved him, met his family, his grown kids, his daughter who he has shared custody with and even his ex wife! We literally talked about when I was planning on moving there and how he hoped it would be soon….and about 3 hours later, around midnight, he texted me that he never wanted to see me and was blocking me and told me to pick up all my belongings. He said he threw them in trash bags in his front yard. He knew I live 2 hours away and it was a work day. Luckily I have a very good friend who was kind enough to pick everything up! This man went from being my best friend, someone I loved deeply and would do anything for, to someone who didnt have the courtesy to tell me why he was doing this! I literally did NOTHING to this man. Mutual friends we have said he refuses to talk about it. I am left wondering if there is someone else or if there was a misunderstanding. I tried texting to no avail. It has now been a week and I feel completely devastated. I am successful, consider myself to be intelligent and have good self esteem, I’m in good shape and have been told, by many that I am pretty. I never thought he would do anything like this. He always said he was my best friend! I’m so sad right now,. But I’m grateful I found out now, before I moved. I just don’t have closure and that hurts.

    #733192

    Tootrue

    Even if l get ghosted l always send a text. It gives me closure which l find more empowering than being left in their holding pen – to be picked up when they feel like it, maybe months/years later. I hate a guy thinking l am waiting around for his call so l always take the initiative and say something like – l need a guy to be more into me than this. You’re absolutely gorgeous and l wouldn’t love to see you again but l am way too special to cope with being ignored. I tell you it takes the wind right out of their sails and it turns it round to you making the decision, not them.

    #733194

    It happens

    Kerry
    The man didn’t ghost you. He sent a message and broke up with me you.
    I think you know the problem here. He isn’t who he said he was. When you pulled back financially he realized his game was up and he needed to get out. He sounds like a conman. He even conned you into wanting to loan him money! Sounds like you should open your eyes and see this for what it was. Did you bring up the money talk prior to him doing this?

    #733214

    Mary had a drink

    I ghosted a guy.

    I was getting a ton of mixed signals from him and his friends. I guess they were playing some weird game with me and none of them were too serious about meeting me just keeping this game going. Truthfully, I didn’t know which one he really was. We were supposed to meet up at a concert. I payed almost 300 for the ticket. VIP passes. I don’t have a lot of money to shell out that kind of cash. I was serious about going. I was actually really, really, really excited about going because it was one of my favorite bands. The closer it got to the date, the more confused this person made me. The more I tried to narrow down who he was. (7 friends playing this mind game with me) it got to the point where my mind went into over drive looking for clues and answers. It was a huge mistake I guess because I was looking in all the wrong places for these answers and clues. I spent a lot of time on relationship forums and everyone confirmed this person was stringing me along, he didn’t want to meet me, he’s married, just wants to use me, doesn’t like me at all, the probability of getting humiliated upfront of a ton of people was high, and pretty much talked myself out of going listening to my insecurities and fears as facts. I let doubt hold me back from risking it. Do I regret it? Yeah. Kind of. I still had a lot of fun that day and went to a different concert for free. You can’t put the bullets back in the gun. So it is what it is. I’m fine if I never meet him and I’ll be fine of I do. If he really wanted to talk to me or be friends it wouldn’t have been a guessing game.

    Be careful of the advice you follow on these sites and use your better judgement. Nobody fully understands the situation you’re in. If you are the type to assume the worst, (like me) you will definitely get it.

    #733325

    Calypso

    I started seeing someone who was separated, who as it happened was WAY more into me than I him, something he was aware of.His own friends were telling me they’d never seen him so happy etc etc. We’d been going out about 5 weeks when I was due to go on holiday the next day and he insisted on taking me to the airport. He was always offering lifts wherever I was going, giving me the distinct impression he didn’t like it when other (male) friends offered to take me.

    Next day came and he never showed up! At the last minute I managed to get a cab to the airport, nearly an hour away. I was livid. The few texts I sent were ignored. Even though I wasn’t that into him, what he did really did sting, it was so unexpected. So I can only imagine how someone in love would feel when they’re ghosted. Must be truly awful. So it was easy for me to put it all behind me and forget about him completely.

    About a year later, I got a missed call on my way to work. It was HIM. He’d left a VM. He sounded agitated and listening to the message it sounded as if he’d got back with his wife (I suspected later, he’d probably never’fully’ left in the first place and she found out about me which triggered the ghosting) and she’d thrown him out so he wanted somewhere to stay!!! It was obvious he’d forgotten how he’d been less than honest with me first time. Obviously, I ignored the message but that evening he turned up on my doorstep, literally pleading (awfully unattractive) with me to take him back. Incredible! The way he thought he could take up where he left off. Of course, I told him where to do…I had NO interest whatsoever in this guy and even if I had any feelings the answer would have been the same!

    #733761

    Michelle

    Old post but extremely important to make this distinction for anyone reading this now or in the future: “ghosting” and “going no contact” are not the same thing. Some above comments seem to be confusing the two. When exiting a toxic or abusive relationship, a victim is often strongly encouraged to go “no contact” to end an abusive or manipulative relationship (mental health professionals advocate for this regularly). I was once in such an abusive relationship with a person (now) diagnosed with Narcissistic personality disorder as well as Antisocial personality disorder. Going no contact with him was NOT inappropriate because it wasn’t “ghosting”. Ghosting is a totally different phenomenon involving a situation in which two normal adults are in a (normal, non-abusive or non-toxic) relationship (casual or not) and one person simply stops communicating with the other for whatever selfish or silly reason. The distinction is extremely important because ghosting is selfish and cowardly, whereas going no contact is healthy and an appropriate way to end a damaging relationship in a no confrontational and effective way. Two entirely different phenomena that can be confused for one another.

    #733947

    Polly

    Hi guys

    Some advice needed.
    I was in a fantastic relationship with a guy for the past 4 months. One of the best relationships I’ve ever been in. I knew from quite early on he had some emotional issues. He would cry a lot when drunk but couldn’t speak when sober. Would avoid serious conversations by using jokes etc. But he was so attentive and loving I’d never had someone so kind and loving. He made me feel amazing and I really felt this was the one.
    We were planning on moving in together next year and things were going amazing.
    Until approx 2-3 weeks ago he began to be blunt with me and avoid me. The lovely text messages became less and less and when I was in his company it just felt strained like he couldn’t be bothered. He finished it a couple times but then came back very upset saying he regretted it and couldn’t loose me. So I tried as much as I could because I understood he was struggling emotionally. But things didn’t get better. He didn’t understand that breaking up and ignoring me for days wasn’t ok and how much it hurt. He didn’t take any responsibility at all and turned it round on me.
    It’s now been over a week and I’ve heard nothing from him. I’m so hurt confused and embarrassed as to how someone who used to say and do the most amazing things can just cut me off like this? My brain says he just must not have been that into me but the thought of this is soul destroying. I have no answers or reasons and I’m torturing myself over it. I can’t seem to get it off my mind. It’s 100% over as I could never look at him the same way after putting me through this even if he did make an effort to try fix things. He replies if I text him but I’ve given up trying to get answers or fixing the relationship as he does the same thing the next again day or week. Just completely ghosts me until I reach out again and again.

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