This topic contains 16 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Lonkao 8 months, 2 weeks ago.
November 26, 2019 at 4:33 am #779370
Okay this is rather long!
In the summer I met this guy at a concert. We go on a real date a few days later a wonderful time! One of those where it just seems like time is standing still. I went on vacation a few days later and he texted me every day about how he was looking forward to see again etc. When I come back he invites to a gig where is playing. I have some friends that were going to I join them and is excited to see him there. Maybe it was wrong meeting that place since we didn’t really have have any alone time. However we end up kissing and that was nice. The next day I dont really hear from him. I have a gut feeling something is wrong since we used to write he so much before. I met him randomly in the street a few days later where he told me he was going through a lot atm and didn’t want it to rub it off on me. However he did ask if we should get coffee one of the following days. When we meet i ask him what is wrong and his eyes gets misty and he tells me the last 3 months has been horrible. He has broken up with his girlfriend of 5 years and something about his friends too was not so good. I tell him i think he should work on getting better and we say goodbye.
After 3 Weeks i still feel very confused about it all and that it happened so quickly. I ask him if we should meet and he would very much like to do that. We have a great date holding hands and he tells me that he is feeling much better now and he is sorry it took him so long. Two days later it is Friday and I am with my friend. We want to go dancing and I can see that he is attending the event of the party we want to go to. I write him what he is doing tonight and he says he is at the club. My friend and I go there and we have a good time. The guy and I end up going home together (looking back it was on my initiative). The next day he is acting hectic and says he really didn’t thought this would happen now and he was freaking out a little bit. And that he havn’t had sex since hi ex. I ask him again what is wrong and he gets tears in his eyes again of the same reasons as last time. He then kisses me and says I am so wonderful. Then I leave. After that the texting has been rather stiff and awkward and we haven’t arranged to meet again. After 3 weeks I ask him if we should meet and we agree a day. But the day after he sends he long message with this:
I have been thinking a lot. And the reason I havn’t been texting that much is because I can feel that I need some time on my own. I thought it would be good for me to meet someone new, but I think it is a little too early. I am really sorry that things went on for so long with you. But think you are really nice and would still like to get to know you better, I just don’t think I can commit or have any kind of relationship right now. I was unsure to write this now, or talk about it on sunday, but I dont want to waste your time if there are other things you want to do. However, I would still like to drink coffee on sunday if you want!
I replied this:
I appreciate your honesty. It sounds like you really should spend some time just on your own. I really hope you will get happiness into your life again and that is easiest to do by yourself. I hope you maybe can meet again when you feel more ready. But until then I can feel that I need somebody more sure because I dont want to be with someone uncertain of me. The little i have known you has been lovely and i wish you all the best
And he wrote me back this:
Yes, I feel the same way. I don’t think it is fair to you when I feel like I do. But I hope like you do, that we can meet once again because I also think it was been really lovely.
It has been one month now of not writing anything. First I was very relieved! but now I have this incredible need to talk to him and tell him I think things happened too quickly. Because I know they did and I just got carried away and I am sad things ended because I am sure things would be good if we gave it time! I blame myself for meeting him that night.
Is there any chance things could go differently or should I just move on? I have a hope he will come back but as they days go by I doubt it more and more. I don’t know if my only option is a hope and wait for him to reach out when he is feeling better. I don’t know if it would change anything if I told him that I agree with the fact that we got intimate so soon, but now it is two months ago so it also seems a little strange to still be caught up in it :( I dont know if i was just a rebound..
Was that a nice and easy way for him to end things with me or do you read it as sincere?November 26, 2019 at 5:03 am #779373
He seems like a good man and he has been really clear with you that he isn’t looking for a relationship. If he reaches out when he is in a better place then that’s great but you have to wait and see if he reaches out. Do not chase him.
For what it’s worth you didn’t do anything wrong. The outcome would have been the same whether you had sex with him or not – you were a rebound. 5 years is a long time and it will take a long time for him to be properly over that.
You are fixing on a man that is just not available. Step back and do not contact him as nothing will be differentNovember 26, 2019 at 8:39 am #779382
I agree with Ss. He sounds like a decent guy and has been honest with you about his limitations. I think he was sincere. He didn’t want to lead you on. Five years is a long time for a relationship, and it could easily take him a year or longer to be over it and ready to date again. Especially if it was a bad breakup, or if he was the one who was dumped.
You shouldn’t reach out. It won’t end well. He is simply not ready, he is not emotionally available. You don’t want to be a rebound girl. He needs to take a good chunk of time and work through his own emotions about his breakup. Don’t send him any little texts to check in or see how he’s doing, just let it go. If he works through his issues and reaches out to you, you will know that he is ready. I know it sucks, but it’s just how it is. In the meantime continue to date and live your life. Sometimes these things happen where we meet a good person at the wrong time, unfortunately.November 26, 2019 at 9:02 am #779384
I agree with the others.
Have you ever gone through a breakup? If not, its like going through an internal war where you feel good one day, and then like a tidal wave, it comes crashing down and you just feel totally wrecked and ravaged from all the emotions that comes from the sadness, loss, grief of someone you still love but is no longer in your life.
He is in the throws of the breakup and it will take him a long time, a minimum of a year, until he reaches the point of “indifference” which is when his heart and mind have fully healed. Only then will he be ready for someone else to enter his heart & mind again but right now his ex still owns and possesses it and will for quite a long while.
I would not hang onto any false hope that he will be close to being ready in the near future and continue to meet and date fully available men—-those who are not still in love with or grieving the loss of another woman, stay 500 feet away from those guys!November 26, 2019 at 9:09 am #779385
Stop chasing him. Please please please. At every turn you are doing his work and seem confused. There is nothing to be confused about. He is not capable or interested right now. There is nothing you can do about that.
And it is needy as get out to say you are upset you had sex too soon. You did what you did, he will not like you more because you say that, he will think you are a woman who does not own your actions. If you cannot handle having sex without attachment, do not have sex so early again.
He knows where to find you. Let him.November 26, 2019 at 3:11 pm #779416
I know this is all true. I just kind of wish I could go back and have slowed things down more – but I really don’t know if it would have made any difference and that I should just be glad that we haven’t gotten more involved.It still sucks since I really really liked this guy in a way I haven’t in a really long time :(November 26, 2019 at 3:33 pm #779418
Don’t beat yourself up over it. There was nothing you did wrong. It was simply the wrong time for him. He’s healing from the recent breakup of a long term relationship, & nothing you could have done would have changed that. Just accept that it was not the right moment. It does suck though and i’m sorry!November 26, 2019 at 5:06 pm #779420
Just leave him be and don’t contact him. He’s not ready for something real so why botherNovember 27, 2019 at 3:16 am #779462
Thank you. I really needed even though it is hard… next time I meet a guy I will sit back and watch his actions before investing my heart (as much as you can control that)….. I am just afraid that I lost a diamond even though I know he was never mine to lose :(November 27, 2019 at 9:30 am #779470
I know this is completely hypothetical but do you think he will come back from this situation?November 27, 2019 at 6:24 pm #779512
Girl, you never know! But he might reach out even after a few months. I know how you feel, you acted and replied very classy! You both were classy. Don’t nitpick every single thing you did. Be glad you had sex, it’s nice memory I hope and the outcome would be the same. He knows where to find you. Life is unpredictable and I really do hope there is hope for you. Or better guy, another “diamond”.
BUT, THERE IS A HUGE BUT
Are you sure it’s not a FANTASY you’re after? Basically he burdened you with the info about his ex and it didn’t seem like a fun relationship. It seemed like you were comforting him more than dating. The beginnings should be fun, carefree. You saw this wounded bird and wanted to heal him, right? Do you know him well enough to know you’d be compatible? Right now all you see is that he’s unavailable and it makes him THAT much attractive. It’s like a Titanic, when Leo’s character died we cried, and you can mourn such “love” forever but if he survived they’d probably split up. You saw your guy teary-eyed. If he was available 100% you’d probably feel less obsessed and maybe even call him clingy (we women are often terrible, we call nice guys clingy). What positive did/do he brings to the table? You should both make each other happy!November 28, 2019 at 6:07 pm #779555
You are all right I know. I guess I have just really learn not to put myself in a situation again where I can get hurt like this and feel like I was the one to mess things up by pushing. Having had time to get things on a distance I really can see that we did not know eachother very well and things happened wayyyyy to fast. I really sucks that lessons like this are learn with people that you have fallen for… But I know (hope) a new one will come when the time is right…. And that I will act responsible and accordingly.
Feel the temperature and not throw myself into it too much so it scares him away.November 30, 2019 at 5:01 pm #779612
Don’t worry, the balance between being pushy is tricky. Because I also believe in being treated right and not being a second/third option. Frankly, I did it twice, fell right away, scared him off, acted crazy. Do I think it was the last time? I sure hope so but I’m honest with myself that I might repeat some mistakes. All I know is not to text too much and not act too crazy. Other than that..December 1, 2019 at 11:58 am #779644
I’ve been in the same situation. It started in June this year and we had a great time together – going out, baking and cooking together, watching movies, spending nights together and staying in bed in the morning and hugging. All seemed to go well, towards a committed relationship, until he suddenly pulled back. He said he is not ready for a relationship because he does not know where will he go after he’s done with his studies. He is also going through a breakup at the moment and it happened three months before he met me. I appreciate that he was sincere with me because it does not happen often. He did not play me with his actions, just that his mind was somewhere else.
I must say that at the beginning I had my doubts, too, because I walked away from my ex after 8 years of relationship and that was when I met the new guy. It seems we both were rebounds for each other. The thought of it makes me feel hurt because I did develop feelings for him.
I broke the contact off this week after a conversation which I initiated. I explained that I feel something for him and I will fall in love if it continues like that. I said that I understand that he does not want a relationship and that is why I have no choice but to walk away and find someone who will be 100% with me.
He was shocked and disappointed, said he would like to continue seeing me because he does have to think about me, but I guess it would mean something casual (I am just guessing, I somehow have the feeling it was a mistake to walk away but if he said he does not want to commit, I have to take it seriously). He did nothing to stop me but I understand he couldn’t. There were too many open questions in his life.
Jennifer, as someone wrote here: sometimes you meet right people at the wrong time. If your guy is meant to be with you, he will. I don’t think it is that easy to forget someone you had a connection with (even if it was short). However, pursuing him will not make him change his mind, you might only scare him off. Go on with your life and do not give yourself false hope (says a girl who is hoping herself :)) Maybe he appeared in your life to give you a lesson. I have learned that my ex is not irreplaceable and there is someone there for me. And there is someone for you, too. You won’t meet him if you keep thinking about the emotionally unavailable guy. He was sincere and it’s good but he wasn’t the one now. Maybe in the future.December 1, 2019 at 2:03 pm #779666
Thanks to all of you.
@Lonkao I am sorry you are going through something similar. I think it is very strong of you to end the thing you had because you could feel it would not do you good in the long run. These things hurt so much! But I guess there is a better plan set for us and that is why these things happen so we can learn and grow.
My mood is swinging a lot but I hope it is going in the right direction. I am not ready for anything new since I am so emotionally exhausted. But I now it is for the best no reaching out again. I have already done too much… This was his choice and it takes two to tango.December 1, 2019 at 3:25 pm #779671
Lonkao, how mature of you. Jennifer I feel for you both. I agree with Lonkao timing IS everything and he might marry quickly the next girl he meets because he meets her at the right time. The wrong time- it being after a break up, being scared for guys is unfortunately a dealbreaker. To be honest I believe it’s difficult to forget a connection but guys are more cowards than us. What infuriates me that guys are drinking beer, going to gym when we think about every single detail. Mother nature wronged us in that aspect. I wonder though.. Do they check us on social media from time to time? Think about it even if there is no contact? HmmDecember 1, 2019 at 3:53 pm #779673
I don’t think that guys are like that. I mean, they tend to distract themselves more for sure but they are also human beings (sure we don’t understand them but it works both ways) and have feelings. They just cope differently.
I could see that the guy i left now was sad and I do believe he isn’t fine either. I do look into his window when I am passing his flat and sometimes I see him. That’s crazy, I know.
And I have mood swings, too. That’s normal but it will be better.