Their relationship anxiety is getting difficult

Agree with Raven. This isn’t a gender issue, anxious men can do the same sort of defensive self-sabotage things when they don’t know how to cope with their own insecurities. She wants validation from you, but it will never be enough because the problem is hers not yours and she needs to handle it. You simply can’t fix it for her. She also doesn’t trust you, again because of issues on her end regardless of however you act, and it’s impossible to build something healthy and sustainable without trust. Don’t ignore your instincts that this doesn’t feel good for you just because you’d prefer for things to work out… I’m sorry to hear things have not progressed in the most positive direction since your last post. I believe the past advice had been collect some more info to see if her offputting remark was a one-off or not since you barely know each other yet, but sounds like things are still trending in the same direction as in that last post, which means this is the direction they’ll continue to go.

I would be honest…. Suggest she read up on anxious attachment and look for a therapist, otherwise you need to only be friends. While there is such a thing as someone who is not available, this is not her case… you will never be able to validate someone enough who is presenting like this so early and often. Say, I have done the work, and will support you as you do it, but I won’t do it like this.

You say you’ve been in her shoes. What got you out of it? My guess is you mostly got yourself out of it because you wanted to change, and it wasn’t a partner who fixed everything for you?

Tallspicy is giving good advice here.

Thanks guys I’m still mulling it over.

One thing that is bothering me. We are in lockdown still in my state. So there isn’t a lot we are allowed to do…

When I stayed at her place on the Saturday night I asked what time she wanted me to leave on the Sunday . She said around 12 would be good as she has something she needs to do. I didn’t hear what but she is usually very transparent. We are seeing one another again this weekend. She can come from late morning but she said she will be there around 1 or so as she has a few things she needs to do.

So I guess I’m confused. We really only have every second weekend and I have made some arrangements so I can see her one night on the week she doesn’t have her teenage child. She is super keen to move forward with me. Typical lesbian intensity is talking of moving in together at some stage down the track.

I have other things to do too but I’m making her a priority, maybe I’m wrong in thinking this but with how we are talking wouldn’t you want t to spend as much time together as you can ? I would spend the whole weekend with her but she will joke at coming 1 min past 11 but then say does one suit as I have a few things to do etc.

I’m I the one being needy? I’m really confused by this.

You ask, “ I’m I the one being needy?”

I’m not sure ‘needy’ is the proper description… I do think you’re going above & beyond & making someone a priority who is already causing you a lot anguish.

Please don’t move in with her…
Always wait a year. You need to see someone through all four seasons.

As P noted, from what I’ve heard from my lesbian friends, it’s pretty common in lesbian relationships to talk about moving in or actually doing it way sooner than hetero relationships would consider normal. There’s even a joke about it: what does a lesbian bring on a second date? A U-haul. So while this may sound alarming to us who are hetero it’s not unusual in this case to be talking living together already.

Regardless… PI hope you will slow your roll on this one. She may be keen to move forward with you but she’s thrown up a lot of yellow and straight up red flags here.

I think it’s fine to leave your child alone for a few hours. I recall from your other posts that your child is 13, right? That’s absolutely old enough to be left alone. When I was 13 I was babysitting newborns, LOL. It’s fine. It doesn’t make you a bad parent. I’m a single mom myself and when my son was that age I had no qualms about leaving him alone for a few hours.

I know it will be hard to go 3 weeks without seeing someone you’re really into. I suggest phone/video calls during that time, and like you said, getting away for a few hours for a short visit. You will get through this.

I’m trying to keep this thing between us in perspective and paced.

When we are together it feels really good, but when we are not I have doubts and feel a bit disconnected from her. I think I have some relationship anxiety.

She told me the other night via text that I’m such a great girlfriend that I’m so much more thoughtful than she is.she then listed off all that I have done for her, the flowers small gifts, her birthday and the effort that I went to.

This kind of highlighted something I didn’t really notice. It felt very much like when someone tells you that you are a much better friend to them than they are to you. It doesn’t feel like a compliment at all.

In fact talking about her past relationships i have realised that people that she fell for treated her with a lack of interest she had to do all the work and they were not really invested or available. This is a very bad sign I think, and I’m not sure I can have something with someone when it feels like they need me to be avoidant and unavailable with my feelings. She tells me she wants me to close and tell her how I feel, she wants me to be romantic but I can’t help feeling scared that this will end the connection we have.

When you lower your standards (as you have), you’ll unfortunately, end up being burned… I’ve seen it time & time & time again- myself included…

P, I’m on your side and just want you to be happy. I respect it’s your life and you certainly shouldn’t make important decisions like breaking up with someone just on the say-so of strangers on the internet. I’m rooting for you, and if it doesn’t work out, I’ll be here with support. You go girl. Crossing my fingers for you that you two can get past the anxiety. I know you have stability and common sense.

P, I’d really be careful here. None of us want to be a downer for you, because as said it’s clear you’re not ready to walk away. But the red flags, and the fact she doesn’t seem to be working on her issues, are going to continue to spike your anxiety and keep you on a stressful roller coaster. Even if you keep yourself in a secure space, you can’t control her behavior. I’ve been in situations where I was very anxious with someone fearful avoidant and much later very secure with the same person. There was no change in their behavior at all because they were causing themselves their own issues. My being more secure made the relationship less painful for me the second time around (the first time was horrifically painful) and taught me a ton, but didn’t make it any less messy and didn’t make the relationship happy or lasting. You said you’ve done a bunch of work, I believe you’d mentioned therapy. Is she open to doing the same for herself? I’d be very, very cautious about interesting further if she isn’t, because you will end up exactly in the situation you are concerned about: that she will only stay attracted to someone unavailable. This is what happens for fearful avoidant who don’t deal with their issues… someone more avoidant / unavailable makes them swing anxious and feel very attracted and attached. Someone available seems boring or overbearing (even though they’re probably not!!) and they’ll swing avoidant and back away. And since you are fearful avoidant too, that’s why you’ll end up on a roller coaster because you’ll respond to her push/pull by feeling the opposite, though you’ll be better positioned because you already know the patterns from your own prior work.

After getting out of a relationship that did a number on you, I’ve learned that the only type of being “super cautious” that works is choosing future partners you can actually trust. Opening up to a new person who has shown you can’t quite trust them will force you to replay the issues over and over. Take note of the anxiety in your gut, because in this case it is there for a reason.

Good luck. I hope you can talk to her about this, and that she’s curious and interested in doing what she needs to for herself so that she approaches her relationship with you in a healthy way!