Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Terrible Truth unfolded…
- This topic has 13 replies and was last updated 3 years, 10 months ago by
Anon.
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Jane Doe
So my fiancé and I have been doing what’s known as relationship coaching which is a little different than directly going to therapy. I had concerns with feeling he’s controlling and manipulative. At some point during a one-on-one session the counseling told me directly that the sessions are being analyzed at this time and she’d get back with me on the results within 24hours. When she did the following message was written to me.
“Hi Jane Joe, Unfortunately we cannot coach you with the help you’re looking for. We have a policy which prevents us from reuniting or condoning the relationship when mental or physical well being is at risk of being compromised. Here are our resources page with some helpful links and hotlines we recommend you to look through our website. We are seeing signs that indicate the relationship dynamic may be outside the scope of the type of coaching we provide and as such cannot help with the relationship. We can, however, have a session discussing the emotional issues and how it may have been involved in your relationship. With better clarity of your situation, we may overturn our initial call on the matter, but we cannot promise we can help with the relationship after that. We suggest that we focus on ways you can create personal boundaries that can help you feel you can have more balance in your relationships. It can feel like you’re stuck right now but we can discuss ways to elevate your self-awareness and better understand how to make decisions that focus on you and your needs”.
I later shared this with my fiancé and forwarded the message. He asked on who’s part do the feel mental well-being is at risk. I told him she says on my part. Our sessions were analyzed and over the phone counselor gave me examples of such…he says “wow, she even gave you a hotline to call. This is serious, what I don’t understand is why didn’t she talk to me directly”.
Alice
Jane Doe, I’m not sure what your question is here? We don’t know enough about what’s going on in your relationship.
Are you trying to ask us what we think of his response to this? Can you clarify what you are needing from the forum?
Jane Doe
I guess his response and thoughts on both of us seeking individual counseling…
Alice
I’d probably say the same thing if I were him. Without knowing the details of everything it’s hard to know what to make of all this. If a counselor was saying that I had bad behavior towards my significant other, I would expect them to point it out to me too. I’d think a counselor would want to be frank with both the person they are worried for and the person who they believe is causing the issue.
As for getting individual counseling, I’m a big supporter of counseling. Bad behavior or not, it’s always good for people to go to individual counseling.
Newbie
Your title suggests way more than your question but i agree with him. If you do couple something and they send an email about why they cant council to one party, i consider that seriously unprofessional and rude
Perry
You’re saying that you went to a professional counselor, and the professional counselor said “we can’t help you because one of you is in physical or mental danger?”
Am I understanding correctly that a professional counselor has told you that your fiancee is abusive?
If a professional counselor has told you that your partner is abusive and was serious enough to give you a hotline to call…. why are you asking an anonymous internet forum for opinions? YOU ALREADY HAVE A PROFESSIONAL OPINION THAT YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.
Please don’t use internet posts to try to convince you to take some other course of action. You have a professional opinion and they gave you a hotline to call.
Call the hotline. That’s what you do. Call the hotline. Use the professional help at your disposal. And for god’s sake, stop posting here, we can’t help you.
Lane
Are these “coaches” licensed professionals? I don’t understand why they can’t just be specific based on their “analysis” which is what you are paying them to do, is it not?
Whatever their reasoning, I would try to get to the bottom of it, as it sounds like they spotted some serious issues with your fiance’, and you too, that they are either not properly licensed or professionally qualified to help you with. Sadly, professional advice, and even referrals, has become a very messy legal issue in this sue happy world, which could be why they stated the way they did so it can’t come back to legally bite them.
I would take this letter to a professionally licensed couple’s therapist who *may* be able to dig into what the coaches analyzed, and be in a better position to not only clarify it for the both of you but be in a position to possibly find the proper professional(s) should individual therapy be helpful to both he and you, whether you remain together or not.
I would not marry this man until you get to the bottom of it though. They are waving some serious red flags here, so I would heed their warning, stop any wedding plans, and get to the bottom of it before you end up mentally messed up or in divorce court.
Perry
I apologize for saying “stop posting here”. That was out of line. I got emotional because I think you are about to reject professional help and get help from internet randos. That is bad.
You are probably in a very difficult place and you are reaching out to a forum to feel better about your situation. You shouldn’t be shamed for that. I am sorry.
What I mean to say is, You have a professional who has talked to you and your fiancee directly. They are telling you that this is a very bad situation. You should listen to them, not us. They have all the details, and we don’t. We may give you bad advice, because we don’t know what’s going on here.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE call the hotline, please listen to them.
Liz Lemon
I have to agree with Perry. None of us have any details about your relationship. You spoke with what I assume was a professional counselor, and they told you they can’t condone the relationship because someone’s mental and/or physical well being could be compromised. They gave you resources to seek out support. I think you should do what they’re saying.
Like Lane, I’m questioning what is a “relationship counselor” exactly and how is it different from therapy? Are they trained and licensed professionals?
As for your fiance’s comment as to why they didn’t talk to him directly, it would be a violation of confidentiality for them to speak to him about something you revealed in a counseling session. So I can understand why they said nothing to him, if you said something about his behavior that alarmed them.
Newbie
I think you are very right Perry. Jane doe is delflectong the message given to her by making it about the way she received it. Thats spot on true
Jane Doe
Just to confirm. I reached out and spoke with the hotline I was referred to. I was told the reason the counselor didn’t point this information out to my partner is because they say when your dealing with an abuser, they tend to retaliate against the victim when they are directly called out. Therefore, the counselor only came directly to me. Furthermore, the person I spoke with from the hotline also stated that I should’ve share the information at all with him that the counselor gave me. I should’ve just come directly to the hotline. If his behavior changes towards me as a result to let them know.
Jane Doe
Correction: The person I spoke with from the hotline also stated that I shouldn’t have shared any information with him that the counselor gave me because it’s a risk of retaliation.
Liz Lemon
I hope you are getting the support you need and feel safe? Do you live with your fiance?
Anon
Good for you to go to a counselor before marriage and follow the recommended advice to seek individual counseling. As mentioned by Perry, you have a professional opinion which is above and beyond the people responding on here because the problem you are having requires a much more intensive treatment and solution.
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