Talking again with my ex – am I being a fool?

Home Forums Dating and Sex Advice Talking again with my ex – am I being a fool?

Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
  • Author
  • #940868 Reply

    My ex boyfriend broke up with me in November. We had been together for 8 years (we are both 23). During the relationship many of our childhood triggers came up, which caused us to sabotage the relationship – it was also the classic anxious-avoidant dynamic. I was really heartbroken as it was my first true heartbreak. We have been broken up before, it was 5 years ago. Then we stayed “friends”, continued to talk daily and just ended up back together months later.

    It has been quite a confusing time for me. We lived together and he moved back to his parents’. First time he collected his things was a week after the breakup, he took all his essential things. The other things he came to collect two months later. During this time we weren’t in contact. All my friends and my psychologist told me during that time that I should tell him to collect his things but I wanted him to come when he was ready (I tend to be a people pleaser). When he came, I asked him why he didn’t come earlier. He said that it as been a difficult time for him and he didn’t want to come to our home as it would bring up some memories and he just pushed it forward. Both times we talked like normal and we do get on well. He asked if I wanted to be friends with him and I said I couldn’t, at least not for now. He said “sorry, that was a stupid question”. I said, maybe later, let’s see how it goes. He agreed.

    A week later I discovered that his email is logged on to my computer. It had been the entire time, for years, and I never looked at it. This time I couldn’t help myself and I did have a look. I discovered some things that I didn’t want to know, but that’s on me. I found the email that he sent to his psychologist after our fight that led to the breakup. During our relationship I had quite a victim mentality and I never apologized to him for anything. Even after our breakup I felt like a victim, even though we both got hurt. The letter he sent to his psychologist described everything he had said to me as well, but I didn’t really hear him that time. Reading the email months later really opened my eyes, and I finally saw how hurt he was. I do feel really bad about reading his emails and I logged out of the account.

    I had a big mental breakdown after reading the email and I knew I had to apologize to him. I wrote him a letter apologizing for all the things. I was really afraid of approaching him, I was afraid of rejection and his reaction (he has never reacted negatively to me, again, it was just my inner child afraid). I called him, asking if I could stop by his place and he agreed. He did ask why, and I just said that I wanted to talk. When I met up with him we talked about our everyday for quite some time. I finally worked up the courage to give him the letter. He read it and asked how I came to the conclusion to apologize. I can never admit that I have read his email, at least not now or that time. I said that I have been thinking and just realizing things about myself and my childhood and where some of my patterns come from (which wasn’t a lie). I continued to talk about some of the incidents with my mother and the behaviours stemming from these incidents. He started to cry and he said that he saw these things during our relationship but didn’t know how to approach me. He was happy that I said the things I said and he told that I’m moving towards the right direction.

    We didn’t talk again for a couple of weeks. For some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to invite him to lunch. He agreed right away, we had a quick lunch. Talked about what we have been up to, as usual. I did feel after the lunch like he was different from before, which did hurt me a bit, but it could’ve been me just overthinking. Also, we are not in a relationship, so of course the communication can’t be the same as before.

    Me, being hurt, decided next day to message him. About random things, just chatting. It was kinda a “test” for me, meaning if he wouldn’t message me back or continue the conversation I knew the door was closed for sure. We have been messaging now for almost every day for about 3,5 weeks. We have not met up. On friday I was out drinking with my workmates and he messaged me saying “let me know when you’re home”, I asked him why and he said he was worried about me. The next morning he apologized saying “I have no right to ask you this”. I asked him, if he’s doesn’t have a right to be worried or express the worry. He said he has no right to express his worry.

    I have mixed feelings about all of this. I’m afraid that I’m just being a fool and letting this drag out. I do feel bothered that he hasn’t asked me to meet up with him. I’m afraid I might be in the “friend-zone” while hoping for more. At the same time I do think that he is also confused and doesn’t want to rush things, as it has only been 3 weeks of us chatting again. I feel like I’m being impatient and should just let things flow naturally.

    #940870 Reply

    I am assuming he was your first boyfriend ? You are only 23 and in my opinion you should forget him. He is not trying to win you back and now actively seeking to get back together, you are the one doing it. He broke up with you, whether it was because of something you did or not , it doesn’t matter, because you are most likely overthink. A guy who is saying : let’s be friends after breakup, has no feelings for you, because if he had , he wouldn’t be able to be just friends.

    #940871 Reply

    I think he does care about you and still has feelings for you. but in terms of getting back together? It doesn’t appear that he wants to get back together based on his actions. you did all you could to set things straight and apologized for your past behavior. Now it’s time for you to take a back seat. You can only do so much. anything more than this will make it obvious that you’re chasing him and that might work against you.

    Try and get your focus off him. you have done all that you could to put things right and make amends for the past. Now it’s up to him to make the next move. you need to cut off regular contact with him which is just building your hopes up but getting you nowhere.

    let him take initiative in connecting and let him ask you out. if he is doing none of these things then you are just beating a dead horse and wasting your time.

    to summarize you have done all you could. now let go. if he is interested in rekindling things, he will take initiative. if he is not doing that it means he doesn’t want to rekindle your relationship.

    #940874 Reply

    It sounds like you’ve done digging into the background of the bad dynamic you two created together, the attachment and childhood reasons for this stuff not working out, and that’s great! However, the purpose of understanding all that isn’t to figure out how to get back together and keep rehashing and trying to find a way to make a broken and incompatible relationship work. It is to heal yourself from your childhood issues, so you stop being a people pleaser and you focus on yourself and being there for yourself. That will allow you to become more secure and less anxious in your future romantic relationships (which will also result in eventually pairing off with a more secure partner that doesn’t cause the back and forth anxiety, even though that’s all you know at this point since your ex was your first relationship).

    While you may not be up to dating other people yet, which is totally fine after such a long relationship, unfortunately what you’re describing is indeed picking at old wounds and cycling right back into the anxious-avoidant dynamic. It’s very common after that kind of break up to stay stuck in doing this. The way out it to consciously decide to choose yourself and get off the merry go round once and for all. Cut things off with him until you’ve truly moved on from the romantic attachment. Otherwise, I agree with all the other posters, you are dragging it out and will get hurt because you want more and he’s not trying to get back together with you.

    You’re not being a fool, but you are still repeating the pattern you’ve now learned about. You need to take the information you’ve gotten and use it to see that and make different choices, to prioritize yourself and move on. I’ve been here, and I know it hurts to really start the process of moving on, but there is a whole world left for you to learn about out there. The relationships in it don’t need to be this difficult, though it’s tough to believe that until you’ve started to open yourself up to new experiences.

    #940882 Reply

    So well said maddie

Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
Reply To: Talking again with my ex – am I being a fool?
Your information:

<blockquote> <code> <pre> <em> <strong> <ul> <ol start=""> <li>

recent topics