Talking again with my ex – am I being a fool?

My ex boyfriend broke up with me in November. We had been together for 8 years (we are both 23). During the relationship many of our childhood triggers came up, which caused us to sabotage the relationship – it was also the classic anxious-avoidant dynamic. I was really heartbroken as it was my first true heartbreak. We have been broken up before, it was 5 years ago. Then we stayed “friends”, continued to talk daily and just ended up back together months later.

It has been quite a confusing time for me. We lived together and he moved back to his parents’. First time he collected his things was a week after the breakup, he took all his essential things. The other things he came to collect two months later. During this time we weren’t in contact. All my friends and my psychologist told me during that time that I should tell him to collect his things but I wanted him to come when he was ready (I tend to be a people pleaser). When he came, I asked him why he didn’t come earlier. He said that it as been a difficult time for him and he didn’t want to come to our home as it would bring up some memories and he just pushed it forward. Both times we talked like normal and we do get on well. He asked if I wanted to be friends with him and I said I couldn’t, at least not for now. He said “sorry, that was a stupid question”. I said, maybe later, let’s see how it goes. He agreed.

A week later I discovered that his email is logged on to my computer. It had been the entire time, for years, and I never looked at it. This time I couldn’t help myself and I did have a look. I discovered some things that I didn’t want to know, but that’s on me. I found the email that he sent to his psychologist after our fight that led to the breakup. During our relationship I had quite a victim mentality and I never apologized to him for anything. Even after our breakup I felt like a victim, even though we both got hurt. The letter he sent to his psychologist described everything he had said to me as well, but I didn’t really hear him that time. Reading the email months later really opened my eyes, and I finally saw how hurt he was. I do feel really bad about reading his emails and I logged out of the account.

I had a big mental breakdown after reading the email and I knew I had to apologize to him. I wrote him a letter apologizing for all the things. I was really afraid of approaching him, I was afraid of rejection and his reaction (he has never reacted negatively to me, again, it was just my inner child afraid). I called him, asking if I could stop by his place and he agreed. He did ask why, and I just said that I wanted to talk. When I met up with him we talked about our everyday for quite some time. I finally worked up the courage to give him the letter. He read it and asked how I came to the conclusion to apologize. I can never admit that I have read his email, at least not now or that time. I said that I have been thinking and just realizing things about myself and my childhood and where some of my patterns come from (which wasn’t a lie). I continued to talk about some of the incidents with my mother and the behaviours stemming from these incidents. He started to cry and he said that he saw these things during our relationship but didn’t know how to approach me. He was happy that I said the things I said and he told that I’m moving towards the right direction.

We didn’t talk again for a couple of weeks. For some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to invite him to lunch. He agreed right away, we had a quick lunch. Talked about what we have been up to, as usual. I did feel after the lunch like he was different from before, which did hurt me a bit, but it could’ve been me just overthinking. Also, we are not in a relationship, so of course the communication can’t be the same as before.

Me, being hurt, decided next day to message him. About random things, just chatting. It was kinda a “test” for me, meaning if he wouldn’t message me back or continue the conversation I knew the door was closed for sure. We have been messaging now for almost every day for about 3,5 weeks. We have not met up. On friday I was out drinking with my workmates and he messaged me saying “let me know when you’re home”, I asked him why and he said he was worried about me. The next morning he apologized saying “I have no right to ask you this”. I asked him, if he’s doesn’t have a right to be worried or express the worry. He said he has no right to express his worry.

I have mixed feelings about all of this. I’m afraid that I’m just being a fool and letting this drag out. I do feel bothered that he hasn’t asked me to meet up with him. I’m afraid I might be in the “friend-zone” while hoping for more. At the same time I do think that he is also confused and doesn’t want to rush things, as it has only been 3 weeks of us chatting again. I feel like I’m being impatient and should just let things flow naturally.