Home › Forums › Long Distance Relationship (LDR) Advice › Starting a long distance thing
This topic contains 53 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Tam 2 months, 2 weeks ago.
I ended up telling him not to come to meet me. I was getting very scared i don’t know why. He would keep saying that I feel like hugging you and keeping you close to me. I would like to be by your side stroking your hair and looking at you while you sleep. I don’t know why I started feeling scared. When I told him I don’t want to talk and I don’t want him to visit me he started saying sorry and started calling me many times. He even went to the extent of saying that he got his promotion order and would be travelling to Moscow this October but i have him no reason to enjoy. That in the end I have ditched him. He even ended up calling me a cheater. I didn’t reply to any of this at that time. And blocked him. I unblocked him in the morning and told him I am getting very uncomfortable as he is going too fast and his demands for hugs and stroking my hair make me uncomfortable and I don’t know how this would improve. And left it that.
I don’t know why I feel so scared of anyone loving me again. I just feel it takes time to fall in love. He was already telling me he loves me everyday and I would just reply with an ok, it was awkward. But all I really want is to be in love with someone and I am pushing him away.
I don’t know if I did the right thing. But i never intended to hurt him. My local dates are also not going good. I am in a small town and don’t find very good profiles on the dating apps here. It all sucks.
This is what I exactly wrote:
I didn’t ditch you and neither I am a cheater. We are not even together and you are calling me a cheater that’s how fast you are going. It was all going too fast for me. I got very uncomfortable and you were talking very weirdly yesterday. Your constant demands of hugs and touching my hair etc made me uncomfortable. Whoever wants to stay will not be going this fast and will respect my wishes. I just wanted to know you as a person and slowly fall in love with you. But you were too lovey dovey from the very beginning for me to feel comfortable. I am sorry if you got hurt yesterday but I really feel uncomfortable and don’t know how this can improve.
And also congratulated him on his promotion in the next text.
I think you made the right decision because he is saying all this , not even once meeting you in real life, he has some serious issues.
Him going to Moscow? I am sorry but this won’t even be possible as no one is allowed into Russia , definitely not navy personnel , it is even advised not to travel there especially for US citizen and US Navy personnel would never be allowed in Russia unless they want to be killed on the spot. so this part of his story is a lie, I have a feeling he is not even in the navy and this whole thing is a scam. Because if he was really going to Russia on some secret mission perhaps he would not be allowed to tell anyone ..
Agree with ewa. He sounds like a scam. Block and do not engage with him again…
He not going from the US. He is going from India. Our relations are fine with Russia.
He has shown me on video call. He was in uniform and around a sea. In a ship. And shown me pictures of a submarine. And gave other details about his work and how things happen at the sea. He isn’t lying about that bit.
We are Indian citizens.
it is fine, it doesn’t matter where are you from, he is still way too invested in something that isn’t real. Keep him blocked.
It sounds like you’ve had very good instincts warning you about him from the beginning, or you wouldn’t have posted in the first place. I think you should feel good about that and trust your instincts and trust yourself. He’s shown several red flags now, most recently by getting aggressive and accusatory when you said something he didn’t like, while totally ignoring your valid feelings. You don’t need to say anything more to him. He may or may not be a scammer, but he’s definitely bad news at this point.
Don’t you think maybe my extreme reaction of not wanting to talk and asking him not to come and meet me and that too so suddenly caught him off guard and he behaved this way?
@Tam, if this is how he reacts when he doesn’t know you, imagine how he will react when he’s comfortable with you… He is abusive!
He accused you of cheeting & hasn’t even met you yet…
It DOES take time to fall in love! Your instincts are completely correct. Don’t doubt yourself. This guy has never met you by he’s telling you he loves you, that makes no sense.
His reaction was aggressive and unreasonable. Can you imagine how he would react if you met him in person, he wanted to hug and touch you (or more than that), and you said no? I’m sure he’d react forcefully and aggressively.
It doesn’t matter if what you said caught him off guard. You have the right to speak your mind and say what you feel. If he doesn’t like it, too bad. You don’t owe him anything,you have no commitment or relationship. You’ve never even met!
I think you absolutely did the right thing. I so think you should block him and not talk to him ever again. He’ll just argue and try to manipulate you back into meeting him.
I’m very glad you listened to your gut and cut this off. He’s telling you he loves you?? Oh no. I would have called it off after the first time he did that. You 100% did the right thing. His aggressive reaction and the weird accusation of cheating confirmed it. Do not second guess yourself and or look back and do NOT change your mind. This is how women get into a lot of trouble with a nut case. Keep him blocked! Good work!!!
And your reaction wasn’t “extreme.” It was honoring yourself and keeping yourself safe. You are right, there is no way back from the weird stuff he’s been doing. Don’t try to excuse his reaction in any way shape or form. It was over the top and inappropriate, like the things he’s been saying up to this point.
He wrote no problem, please take care of yourself, lots of love and prayers for you now and forever. To this i replied thank you. He then replied that he is sorry for bothering me and he wants me to achieve all my dreams and come out in flying colors. To this i again replied a thank you. He hasn’t written anything after this.
Tam, think about this from the opposite way. If instead he told you first he had changed his mind and wouldn’t be visiting after all, would you have responded by lashing out in anger, berating him, and accusing him of being a cheater??? Do you really find that appropriate behavior for a grown person?
When I dated online, I had two rules for myself. First, always meet for the first time in a public place that I can easily leave. Second, if anything made me uncomfortable, seemed scary, aggressive or weird, or my instinct told me something was simply off *before I even met a guy,* I would not meet him or continue. These are safety issues if nothing else. I never got in a bad / unsafe situation with these rules, and when I met my husband on a dating app, he never displayed any red flags or made me uncomfortable in the least! But believe me, while there are some good men online, I spoke to plenty of men who set off a bad feeling in my gut so I did not give them a chance to prove me right.
You didn’t do anything wrong, and I agree with the other posters that you don’t owe this person anything, you’ve never even met. Stop second guessing your good instincts. I’m glad he replied gracefully to your follow up message instead of with more anger, but please block him now.
Now he texted me that when he opens WhatsApp he feels like talking to me again and again and for this reason he wants to block me as he doesn’t want to disturb or bother me anymore and he too feels uncomfortable in texting me again and again as there is no mutual feeling between us.
OMG, You block him & be done with this loser!
In all this i am very confused by my reaction too. As in I picked his call and somehow the call seemed strange to me. I was not very happy to pick the call. So I asked to talk later. I don’t know i must have done a lot of overthinking about him and so i acted on an impulse and simply asked him not to come and meet me. It was an impulsive thing I did, it was not a well thought statement. So somewhere i am also a bit weird. I don’t feel like blocking him now don’t know why.maybe he won’t repeat his behaviour? Is there harm in giving him a second chance, he has agreed to become friends first from now onwards
Tam, your age please…
I am 27.
You did not answer my question about if the situation was reversed. Would you have yelled at him and called him a cheater? He is on his best behavior at this stage, trying to impress you, and aced horribly anyway. Why wouldn’t he repeat his behavior? Believe someone the first time when they tell you who they are. You will make your own decisions of course and may not listen to any of us posters, but it is no coincidence that every response has been giving you the same advice. Good luck in what you choose to do from here, stay safe.
It’s so sad when women don’t trust themselves and their instincts and let men walk all over them. Are you really this desperate for a boyfriend that you’re so willing to compromise your safety??!!
I feel i am abusive too and act on an impulse sometimes and hurt people. And I know this isn’t on purpose, I mean no harm. I feel i deserve love even if I am like this. Maybe this guy is just like me too. How can I say he doesn’t deserve love?
Maddie – no i wouldn’t have acted the way he acted…..but maybe he got too emotional and acted the way he did.
I am so confused. Maybe Angie baby is right and I am just too desperate to have a boyfriend as i don’t like being alone anymore. And this person provides a nice distraction. I receive sweet nothings, or passionate declarations of love, strong emotions when I say no to something. I feed off all these emotions and keep myself satisfied. I sound like such a pathetic person. But i guess this is the real reason. I don’t want to be alone. Although my body is giving me signals constantly that he isn’t right for me, i still don’t end it fully because I am too scared of being alone. He is filling my void to some extent right now.
Deciding whether or not to date someone, or whether or not someone decides to date you, is NOT a reflection whatsoever on whether someone is “deserving” of love or not. It’s unrelated. No one gets to define if someone else deserves love. All walking away reflects is a current lack of compatibility with that one person in a world of billions. Maybe it reflects that the person leaving isn’t emotionally available or ready to date. It never means another human is “unworthy.”
If you are concerned that you may have abusive tendencies that aren’t fully managed yet, then pairing off with someone else with similar tendencies will amplify them and you will bring out the worst in each other. Loneliness, feeling emotional, none of that is an excuse to take issues out on another person. And feeding on another person’s emotions when they feel rejected, as this makes you feel validated, is not love. These all sound like great topics to discuss with your therapist, because if you are able to sort through some of that and be there for yourself instead of putting it on another person to make you feel good and define you, it will help you move on from your ex to someone who will be a healthier match for you. This internet navy guy isn’t it. Most of your questions seem to be coming from a lack of connection to yourself and what you want (which is why you’re ignoring your instincts and feelings in your body), mixed in with some fear. It’s very possible to heal from those issues, but it will take some more work. If you haven’t been satisfied with your therapist of the last two years and don’t feel you’ve been growing and healing after working with them, a different therapist may be a better fit, and that’s okay and normal.