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Colleen.
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Marie
I started a new job a year and a half ago and met this amazing woman who has now become like a mother to me who works in my department. I love talking to her everyday and we laugh and have the best time. We share of our families being so eerily similar.
Her and her husband are just like my parents and my siblings and I, like her children.She then tells me how I am eerily similar to her son. And how I say things all the time and she does a double take like she is talking to him. He’s unique in his beliefs/lifestyle and values and we are ironically the same. He’s around my age. As time has gone on she has started even calling us soulmates. She truly thinks we are.
Even last week she told me she just knew it when she met me and got to know me. How she’s worked there for over 20 years working with young women and never once wanted one to meet/be with any of her sons.
She said I was special because I was smart, cute, and the whole package.
I was so touched I could have cried. She’s told her family all about me and we all feel like we know each other.
She and I have even been doing things on the weekends. I was in her area recently. We went out. She then invited me in her house. We walk in. She yells to her son-soulmate, in the kitchen that I’m with her, and he runs away to his room.
I see the back of her head and he’s then gone.I meet her husband. We all chat. We have since been joking how he ran away. It is funny, but she said her husband was embarassed.
She said her son in question didn’t want me seeing him. He was in sweat clothes, hair wasn’t combed, etc.
She also said he doesn’t want to meet me until he has something to offer me, as he has said. He’s 32, wants marriage and kids, feels like he is failing and is depressed.
He got out of the military, was working a job. Found the company to be doing bad unethical things. He quit. Had to move back in with his parents and has been struggling with finding a career and feels like a failure. I feel bad for him and I respect him not wanting to go out with me until he feels he has something to offer.
I know a lot of companies in our area, am a educated young professional and have been giving his mother assistance by advice to him through her. It was good advice and he has a job on the hook. Seems promising.
She said he wanted to email me personally to thank me and ask me more questions/advice. She passed on my personal email. She is dying for us to meet.
He emails me and we start chatting. He starts intitiating these long emails. And she was right, we are so similar. Chatting with him, I felt like was chatting with myself. It was fun and we started exchanging emails nightly just about random interesting stuff.
Now that he has the job pretty much in the bag though, he isn’t checking his email as much and so my emails go unanswered for days. I was sort of hurt by this. But I then don’t respond for days back.
In the most recent email, he is chatting away and acknowledges that he feels horrible my email went unanswered and he hasn’t been checking it as often. He says some really cute stuff in the email. At the end, he throws out his cell number and says feel free to text him for a faster response.
I don’t know how to feel about this or what to do. I don’t want to pester or chase the guy. His mother had told him I was looking to move apartments. And he ends the email with how he will go online to see if he can find me any cool apartments, then adds a cute smiley face.
We were sort of helping each other. Him with his job and he said he’d help with apartments. I didn’t help him to get anything. His mother mentioned he’s so depressed and down on himself. I know what that feels like. I wanted to make her and him happy, because she is my good friend. He even mentioned how he tried to respond sooner to me on his phone, but he couldn’t see all of my last message and didn’t want to send me a short meaningless one back not responding to exactly what I had said. So he grabbed his laptop before he went to bed.
Do I keep messaging him? Text him? I don’t want to look like a lonely loser just chatting away. I live alone and am kind of lonely. We do make great conversation though it seems. Maybe just chat friendly? Maybe he’ll eventually ask me out when he gets this job and gets settled.
Dutchiii
Beware of the mummy’s boys. They’re never really independent and are just grown children. Also this “failing and depressed” guy DOES NOTsound like a catch to me. Not because you’re lonely should you throw yourself to the first guy around . You have value and deserve WAAYY more than that . His mum is just looking for some girl to take over since he’s unable to do proper things by himself.
Tallspicy
Oh honey, I am so happy you found a family feel comfortable with. However all that you wrote is super creepy on both ends. If you want someone you should be out there dating in general, and this guy just sounds like a bit of a mess. You are way over invested for someone you haven’t even seen in person. I understand being curious totally get that, but the fact that you’re writing about this means that you are very invested in someone you’ve never met don’t know anything about and are taking his mothers of perspective on. For all you know what she told you about his life is really not true.
The reality is this man is 32 and he lives with his parents. He also currently doesn’t have a job even if it’s really close to having one. I suggest you put this man emotionally on the back burner until he’s more sorted and quite frankly that he actually asked you out like an adult. I know it all feels very romantic because you like the family, but I got to tell you the fact that he ran away when you were there is really weird. And if you’re lonely, reach out to your friends or make some otherFriends who are capable of being out in the world.
Wishing you big hugs.
K
I don’t think this guy is a loser at all. He served is country in the military. Left a job where he found unethical behavior. That’s honorable. And it’s not uncommon at all these days for people under 35 to move home temporarily if they’re between jobs. He’s taken advice and gotten out there and job hunted and is closing to having a new position. And he doesn’t want to meet you until he has his life in order. I don’t see anything creepy or off-putting about any of it.
I would say however, keep it light until he says he’s ready to meet. I wouldn’t start texting. Keep it in email. Don’t get too invested or read too much into anything he says or build up any expectations. And for sure get out there and meet other people. Over 7 billion people in the world, absolutely no need to be lonely. Go do activities you enjoy where there’s no pressure for dating. Often you meet a great guy when you’re not even looking.
Tallspicy
I am sorry, but until you are exclusive and are meeting in real life, you should not care at all. The rest is fantasy and projection. Honestly, the poster should not even be initiating anything at this point. He needs to lead and is clearly no where near that.
Liz Lemon
I agree with Tallspicy that this is creepy. You are way overinvested in a guy you haven’t met, whose mother is basically selling him to you (I understand that’s what moms do, that’s normal, but you need to take what she says with a grain of salt– she’s his mother, of course she thinks he’s an amazing catch). I actually don’t even think you should be entertaining any of this– no long emails or texts. It just gets you emotionally entangled and again, you don’t know the guy! It’s the same rule that applies when online dating for example– don’t text or email endlessly, meet in person as soon as possible. It just creates a false fantasy bond if you start communicating a lot without meeting first.
If this woman thinks you two are such a great match, why not meet for coffee in person? Just a quick meeting to see how you click. I understand he’s in a bad place and needs to get his $hit together (assuming what his mom is saying is true). But you’re just building this guy up in your head and you don’t even know him. For all you know, you could meet in person and have zero physical chemistry. If you have a coffee together you will at least have a more realistic idea of whether you click, and at that point you can decide if you want to start texting, etc.
It almost sounds to me like he has some kind of social anxiety issue (running away when you came to the house– that’s what a kid or teenager would do, not a grown man). I have experience with this in my own family. If he’s sitting around his mom’s house, unemployed in sweats with messy hair, running away from guests– he could very well have serious depression or social anxiety. In which case he is not in any position to be dating and you need to end the fantasy.
kaye
I have to agree with Tallspicy on this one! You have created a fantasy in your head about this guy being your soulmate based solely on conversations with his mother before you even met or spoke with him!! And that’s a lot of pressure on him! The more you build it up and talk about it the more pressure it is for the first meeting. That’s a huge mistake. Personally I would never date a man who ran away when I walked in the house!! It would have been one thing if he had gone to his room, put on some clothes, brushed his hair and came out to meet you in a few minutes. But to go HIDE from you? The man’s been in the military and he’s scared to meet you? I need a man with more self confidence than that!!! If I was his parents I would be embarrassed too!!!
And THIS: “I wanted to make her and him happy, because she is my good friend.” You can’t MAKE someone happy! They have to do that from inside themselves. You can’t take a depressed person who feels like they are failing in life and make them happy. That is something they must do for themselves. As a matter of a fact that would make your rejection of him even worse if you two don’t hit if off the way everyone seems to think you will. So far we’ve got this guy has no self confidence, feels he’s failing in life and has noting to offer and is depressed. Certainly doesn’t sound like a good foundation to be starting a relationship on!! I also think if you meet him and you don’t feel a spark or romantic interest it’s going to affect the new friendship you have established with his mom. I know you want to think that’s not the case but if you reject him, she’s going to feel it’s a rejection of her. And I caution you about “all these things we have in common” mindset. I can’t tell you how many guys I chatted with online when I was doing online dating and it is always so easy to find common ground and similarities and things to talk about and then you meet them and realize this person is nothing like you imagined and you really have noting in common and no “spark”. It’s a huge let down which is why I quite chatting with guys for weeks before meeting. If we didn’t have a date in the first week then I just moved on to someone else instead of creating false intimacy through all the texting, messaging etc.
You need to change your entire mindset here. You need to be thinking you have a new FRIEND in this guy and go from there. Throw away this soulmates language. At a minimum he should offer to take you to dinner if he gets this job because of your help. You need to meet and focus on being friends first and let him get his life in order. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. Get out there and meet other people too!! And tell his mother you feel this way so she’ll stop the dialogue too!
LaFrance Thibodeaux
No job & depressed?..Love bug,you dont need a man that bad..Tell his mama that you’re no longer interested in dating her son & watch how fast shes going to dismiss you..
Tallspicy
If you have a real friendship with this woman, she will still like you if you don’t date her boy. Just say, he seems lovely ~ maybe one day he will be in a position to be in a healthy relationship along with getting his work situation settled! I would love for him to ask me out then.
Lane
I think your loneliness is making you fall for someone who’s not even in a position to date or he would be!
I would back waaaaayyyyy off and let your pen pal get his life together in the way HE needs to get his life together and able to create his own happiness. You have co-dependency traits (AKA Nurse Nightengale) and those are not long-term (soulmate) qualities men seek in a woman. I think you try too hard and overly accommodating which are turn offs.
Personally seeing how easily dependent you become on someone you’ve never even personally met, I would Let this one go, get out there and meet men in real life who not only have their crap together but one you don’t have the desire to be a nursemaid too.
Colleen
This is actually quite disturbing. A grown man’s mother having a crush on a girl for her son. These people are strange.
Elsa
Idk if I ever could take a 32 year old man, who get scared of me and runs to his room when he sees me, seriously…
T from NY
LOL what Elsa said. I only want men, not manolescents
Colleen
The mother has crossed boundaries in many ways. Telling her son’s personal business, matchmaking, reeling you in to her family dynamic, brainwashing someone vulnerable (you) , and on and on. And you lap up this crap like a puppy.
Most woman would not have gotten so attached to this lady. Of course mothers think their son is a gem .
But this mother is deluded.
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