This topic contains 6 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Dangerouse 6 days, 20 hours ago.
October 10, 2019 at 5:42 am #775305
Dear readers, I hope to get some insights on my circumstances. If this is a long read, I will like to apologize. Your help and advises will be really, really appreciated. Know this guy from a dating app, had a very short period of texting communication and decided on meeting. Our first meet up went pretty well though he was really shy in the beginning. But there was no deny mutual attraction was there. Soon enough, we went out a few more times until one night he kissed me and it seems to be the most natural thing to do. And the next time we kissed, it was more intense but not in a sexual way. It just oozes warmth, can I say that? Anyway, one evening before my business trip, we were talking on the phone and somehow the topic of exclusivity came up without meaning to and it just got really weird. All these happened just 1 month of us dating. So we agreed to talk in person when I am back. During my trip, he still text me and almost always, he always initiates text, so this somehow tells me that he hasn’t been scared away from our last conversation??
I came back and we met up and it was really awkward. His mind was all over the place, we tried holding hands but it was just so unnatural. He texted me after that apologizing for losing focus but I didn’t reply him because I don’t know what to say to his apology. The next night, after gathering my thoughts, I told him matter of fact that I felt kind of embarrassed with our hand holding fiasco and a bit hurt with his distance. Again, he apologized for it but also called out my standoffish manner, fair enough. And he want to meet again. I suggested one Saturday but he came back saying that he was meeting his ex to sort out some stuff so he won’t be sure if we can meet, he will try. But I rejected right off and told him directly that it was a bad idea to see me after he has seen his ex. He agreed but he added the additional remark that it’s important to him to see me but he needed to be honest about his meet up with his ex. The next day, he came back and fixed a day to meet before he fly off for his holiday with his parents.
We had the talk and I do have to agree with him about the short time frame we had been dating to go into exclusivity. So I asked for casual exclusive – that we don’t date other people and see how things goes. But without the trappings of commitment (I am not ready). I told him matter of fact that this was more out of practicality because if he was still sleeping with other people, I do not want to risk catching STD if it comes to the stage when we have sex. He doesn’t agree with this concept, to him it is either all in or none. He said it is either exclusively committed or it is not. And this is why he doesn’t see how it would be a concern that he is still dating other people now. His rationale was he just want to meet more people after being in recluse close to a year after his separation plus being a foreigner here, he doesn’t have lots of friends. He wasn’t out prowling for sex. And he said I am the only one who he had kissed and hold hands with.
Then I asked if he knows what he wants and without hesitation he said to be frank, he doesn’t. He was just enjoying the time with me and want to spend more time together, let nature takes it course. I am really confused. Throughout our dating time frame, his actions have been very consistent. The way he looked at me is of adoration. He is respectful about giving me time to bring things to a more physical level. He didn’t run away about ‘the talk’. My instincts have always been pretty spot on if someone is just playing with you and I didn’t have these doubts on him. But I do question if I am just a rebound for him (his ex cheated on him, so the breakup was really sudden) or someone he just wants to keep around until someone he thinks is better come along. What makes it more confusing is that whenever I pull away from him, he will make his appearance known. Should I continue to pursue this or walk away?October 10, 2019 at 6:16 am #775307
This got too heavy too fast. Why can’t you just get to know someone without all this heavy talk? It would turn me off too barely knowing a person, as there are so many layers which makes the dating process fun, if you just go with the flow and make mental notes along the way but don’t discuss or talk about it until you’ve at least been together for a few months.
I agree with him on the ‘all in’ or not. The purpose of dating is to see how you gel together, or not, and if not then there’s no reason to continue dating each other. You cannot know what you want until you’ve had some time to figure it out, several months of seeing each other in different situations to determine one’s overall character, personality, quirks, interests, etc. Dating is like peeling an onion where you had barely scratched the surface and still had a lot to learn about each other before you can know if your good together or not.
I would never accept exclusivity with a guy until *I* chose him because he made it super clear that I was the only woman he wanted to be with. Until then, we were both single and free to mingle (see or meet others)! Oftentimes it doesn’t t pan out when the initial infatuation and facades began to crack, where you realize your not a good match, and it ends. This occurs far more often than those who meet and make it. I would stop trying to control this process, listen to your gut, don’t try to force it, and don’t talk or discuss exclusivity with a man until he brings up the conversation because he knows if he doesn’t you’ll become exclusive with someone else…anything less is a waste of time and effort.October 10, 2019 at 6:34 am #775308
Hi Lane, really thank you for your advice here. As for the exclusive talk, it hasn’t been my intention to bring it up at all, it was never thought about before even. I don’t know, but both of us seems to be able to talk about anything, everything and then topics that shouldn’t be talk about during that time will just pop up. And usually we just laughed it off, but this ‘exclusive’ thing just got really weird. After that phone conversation, I didn’t persist on talking about, he has been the one initiating it. I am still dating other people too but feelings can be tricky. I have pretty good self control when it comes to getting physical, but this man somehow triggers something very different within me, I am trying very hard not to fall into the FWB trap. Also, the concern I have is with his bad breakup, I do not want to be part of his emotional baggage.October 10, 2019 at 7:09 am #775312
He is mentally telling you he’s not ready. A man doesn’t put out *disclaimers* or keep a lady off balance if he’s emotionally ready and available to love again. Believe the NEGATIVES, whereas he’s laying a path off landmines and best to not tip toe through those fields. He’s still dragging his ex around, she’s still possesses his heart, which is why he’s bringing it up to test how he feels but is not there yet or he wouldn’t say the opposite of what your saying—he’s subconsciously telling you heart is still on lockdown. I would not proceed with Mr. Not Ready.October 10, 2019 at 11:14 am #775323
I cant really tell if this is game over. What i can tell is that youre really busy signtelling even to the point where you discuss an awkward handholding. I think you are too busy molding this into a relationship too fast.
As far i can see he still wanted to see you, but you hold it off saying it was weird after he saw his ex.
I think its possible he isnt over his ex but more likely he wants to play the field for now. Which is what he said.
To me it sounds like your gut feels things right but are forgetting to go with the flow as well. For now if he asks you out again, i would accept and not have heavy talks or hold hands but make it fun. And not be intimate with him until ypu do have a talk about being exclusiveOctober 10, 2019 at 3:00 pm #775339
He isn’t over the ex.
1. He is still in contact/meeting the ex. This is only ok if children are involved? Are there any children involved?
2. He doesn’t want to be exclusive to you, which means he is happy for other men to sleep with you, which isn’t a sign of a man wanting to get serious. Men will claim what they want.
3. This is classic signs of rebounding.
He doesn’t want to commit, he wants the security of having a part time person in his life to act as a void filler. You will be there when he is lonely and filling that void he is missing from his ex. You essentially serve his ego, fill his time, text him and essentially take away a bit of the loneliness.
When someone is cheated on? and a break up occurs? its hard because the relationship didn’t organically run its course, the attraction didn’t phase out. This ended due to external factors so its harder to overcome.
I’d run from this if I was you. I don’t see him meeting your needs in the way you require.October 10, 2019 at 9:42 pm #775367
You talked too much and overwhelmed him. He just wanted simple fun, not yak, yak,
You can’t talk to a man the way you talk to girlfriends.