Should I be friends with my ex?


Home Forums Break Up Advice Should I be friends with my ex?

This topic contains 4 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Newbie 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #827965 Reply

    Emma

    Hi everyone,

    I was going out with a guy for two months and I felt like we got along really well and we both felt something for each other. His family is currently going through a difficult time and I let him know from the very beginning that I will not be doing any of the date planning because of this (in order to give him the time he needs) and we both agreed to take things slow. In 2 months we went on 4 dates which was fine to me and throughout the relationship I felt like I was quite supportive and understanding of anything he was going through and he was appreciative of this. To mention an instance, one time he asked me to meet up, I got dressed up and was on my way when he called me and said that something serious had happened to his mother and told me that he had to cancel. Of course, I was upset by this but told him to do what was best for him and that he should be with his family (in hopes of rescheduling this date, which never happened).

    Last Monday he said that he wanted to talk to me in person about something and I got very paranoid despite knowing that I never did anything to upset him and that if it was the case then it was unintentional. He asked to meet up on Tuesday and a few hours before our meeting time he called me up to tell me that his car had broken down and asked to reschedule. At that point I was both frustrated but also grateful that maybe this was an opportunity for him to think things through and evaluate what he really wanted to tell me. We talked throughout the week but our conversations were a little different than what we were used to (quite brief, no use of kisses or emojis or anything like that). My mind was spiralling all week with all the possibilities of what he wanted to say and I felt like I could not talk to him in the same manner either because I was getting quite mad at him. He also sent me a message later on telling me that he was sorry about not meeting up and that he was looking forward to it which brought my hopes up a little and thought that maybe what he wanted to say was not so bad after all but I still got worried nonetheless.

    Last Friday we met up and he told me that he thinks we should break up due to all of the problems going on in his family right now, his workload, and other academic duties. He also said that he would like to remain friends as we are both in this group and I for one would not want to break any contact with the other group members just because of this. I felt hurt and saddened that he could give priority to other things such as his other friends and his game nights but I, who was constantly supportive and understanding, was the odd one out in the equation. He also said that he likes me a lot which made me even more confused so when I asked him for a conclusive decision if he really wanted us to be together or not he firmly replied with a ‘no’. Throughout this meeting I could tell he was very confused just by looking at his body mannerisms. I told him that I would have to think about it and get back to him and he said that I can take my time.

    I really don’t know what to do because I feel like I was not given a fair chance and I am starting to think that some (if not most) of the things he told me were all excuses even though he said that he had been weighing his options for a while (which I doubt). At the same time I don’t want to abandon my friends when we all plan a meet up but the fact that things will not be the same between us and that he might get into another relationship (which would be a douchey thing to do) hurts me deeply.

    Thanks in advance

    #827976 Reply

    Elvira

    Hi Emma
    Two months isn’t really a long time so I wouldn’t even consider him an “ex”. I do believe his cancellations were all excuses and he was pretty much either seeing other people/person and was not really feeling a connection. Despite you have feelings for him which are probably not that strong since you didn’t really get a chance to know him will subside within a few months. I would refrain from being around his presence for awhile and just look at this as not a match. You can be honest with him and say you respect his decision and that your not sure about being friends since you were not friends prior. To me saying lets be friends is just a term to make the break easier…not necessarily meaning lets be friends such as talking and meeting every once in awhile as actual friends unless it is FWB.

    #827984 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I agree with Elvira. I don’t mean to be hurtful, but 4 dates in 2 months is nothing; I wouldn’t call that a relationship. So I agree with Elvira that thinking of him as an “ex” is an overstatement.

    I don’t think this guy was very into you. A man who is excited to get to know you does not have a million excuses about why he can’t see you. This guy may or may not have been seeing other people, but the fact is, a man who wants to be with you makes the time to see you and be with you. It’s really that simple. I understand you’re disappointed but try not to be too hurt; you deserve to be with a guy who feels a spark with you and makes an effort to date you. This guy was not. That’s fair enough, let him go and move on. The reason people date is to find someone they feel a strong connection with, and it was obviously not there for him.

    It would not be “douchy” of him to get into another relationship, I don’t understand why you think that. He is single and free to date whomever he chooses, and free to enter into a relationship if he wants too. And so are you! Like Elvira says, I would not worry about being friends with him, just take some space and distance for yourself. If you see him around, be polite. And definitely move on and date other guys.

    #827986 Reply

    mama

    The fact that he doesn’t think he wants to be in a relationship is the deciding factor. You don’t need to think over anything as to whether you accept it or not — he’s already pulled away.

    I don’t suggest being friends with him right now. You have feelings for him and would not be happy with just being friends — I can see you putting pressure on him. He doesn’t have the same feelings for you that you do for him. He’s made a number of excuses whether they are valid or not.

    Take some space, get over him. You just need to move on.

    #827989 Reply

    Newbie

    I agree with elvira, 4 dates In 2 months is not even close to being in a relationship. So maybe he suggested you were but that would have been a red flag right from te start. You need at least 3-6 months to dating on a consistent level and i think its rougly 1 year when it gets solid relationship.
    So i would not stay friends who i only saw a few times. Its a waste of you time and you probably are hoping he changes his mind and that wont happen

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