Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › She stays with her mom
- This topic has 6 replies and was last updated 1 year, 2 months ago by
Rox.
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Marcio
I have been with my lady for about 4 months now. I really like her. I’ve known her for some years as friends and we made it official. We have a great time together. I can’t tell her anything. The list goes on. She is my baby. She is 37 and I am 38. I recently just met her mom on her birthday and she is such a sweet lady. She cooked and I was able to spend time with my girl on her birthday. We cuddles on the couch watched movies and ate. We even planned on thing we were goin to do this spring and summer. When we get together I either pick her up or she will come to my house for a few hours or to stay the night. And I love that. Only thing is I can’t stay at her house with her at the moment. Her dad passed away some years ago and it took a toll on her mom. I found out she has lupus and she does need help. My girl runs the errands for her mom, helps clean, helps outside and everything. She has siblings but they are married. She takes her to doctors appointments as well. He mom is older so I understand. She told her that her mom works on the family business from home. She has weak spells and has fell a few times. If any of you were in my shoes would being a grown woman staying but helping with her mom be a deal breaker for you. Everything else is going good except that. I’m wanting to marry someone one day. I just need some advice. Thank you everyone.
Ewa
what exactly is a deal breaker for you? that she is taking care of her mum or that you can’t stay at her house?
Marcio
I guess maybe both. I just don’t want to seem selfish thinking. She is not lazy, she works, she helps out. I may be just tripping.
Ewa
I am not sure what the issue is with you staying at her place, my partner doesn’t stay at mine, because I prefer to stay at his place.
Does it bother you that you don’t see each other as often as you would’ve liked , because she is taking care of her mum?
Her mum won’t go away , in fact she might need even more care as she gets older.Marcio
Oh ok so you prefer that. That makes sense. Does your partner mind? Or no big dead? Like I said I may be tripping. We see each other a lot. I may stop by after work or so. I see her when I don’t have to take care of my kid or it’s my weekend to get my child. So it’s not bad. When we do see each other we make sure to take advantage of it.
Maddie
As you hit middle age, it gets very typical in many countries to need to provide elder care to parents. It’s a fact of life for a lot of people. If this is something you can’t handle, you should let get her go now, because asking or expecting her to choose between you and her sick mother (assuming she was taking care of her before meeting you and doesn’t mind doing it) is an unfair and entitled thing. It’s the same thing if someone had little kids and their significant other wasn’t comfortable accepting the kids as part of the package deal, it just wouldn’t be a good or compatible match.
Figure out exactly what’s bothering you about the setup and how you can both support your girlfriend while also making your relationship mutually work, and talk to her about it from there. If my guy got resentful if I had a parent who really needed help, things wouldn’t work out between us. That being said, if you have a talk about this and your future together, and in the long-term she sees her mom living with the both of you (which may be easier if you can afford a place together with a MIL unit so her mother is there if she needs help but has her own space separate from you) and you don’t want that, it’s okay because not everyone wants that, but your longer term life goals are probably incompatible. And that would be important to know at this stage.
Hope you can work it out!
Rox
Hi Marcio,
No, that should definately not be a dealbreaker for you. Yes, it would be selfish to break up because your caring girlfriend also has to look after her mom with Lupus. -
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