Reached out to a date after 11 years

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This topic contains 30 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  kaye 7 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #778068 Reply


    Went out casually with this guy a couple of times about 12 years ago. He suggested that we become a couple, I agreed but it didn’t last and it wasn’t serious dating. I was in my early twenties then and he was the first few guys I dated, so he left an indelible impression on me. 6 months after we “broke up”, I reached out to him, we went out once to catch up, I confessed my everlasting feelings for him but he only wanted to be friends. There was no sex involved and we made out in the last time we met. We haven’t been in contact since 11 years ago till lately.

    Fast forward to now, I visited a place and it suddenly reminded me about him. Against all odds, I reached out to him and he remembered me after seeing my pics. He sounded happy and excited to hear from me, sharing with me his latest pic and asked me if Im married or not. He told me he’s still single and wish to remain so. I did not disclose my marital status to him immediately and flirted with him over texting. He was asking that if I lived alone and I said yeah, he could come visit me ,or we could do something fun and exciting together…

    He asked me what can we do together and I joked one? He said at this age, he doesn’t have the stamina for an ons. He suggested that we could exercising together but then changed his mind quickly.

    Since the last exchange, I sense that he became withdrawn , cold and distant. I was afraid that I wouldn’t hear from him again. So I took the initiative to text him again and dated him for dinner for a casual chitchat but he declined me flatly stating that he had other commitments and we could arrange other dates. Fearing that he develop the impression that I wanted to rekindle any romantic relations or interest in him , I told him that I’m married, have no designs or him and it was not an attempt to woo or seduce him. He said he doesn’t think that way and told me not to worry about it.

    It’s been 2 days since we last texted and I haven’t heard from him again. I wanted to keep in touch with him as an old “acquaintance” and I wonder if that will be the last I’ve heard from him?

    Any advice on what’s going through his mind and whether is there a possibility I will hear from him again? My ego is bruised as it takes me alot of courage to reach out to him after 11 years of no contact.

    #778069 Reply


    I’m confused.. are you or are you not married? What do you want from this guy either way? How many times do you need to be rejecting by him? If you’re married, stop texting other men for “friendship”. If you are not, he is not interested and leave him alone.

    #778071 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Lala summed it up perfectly. You flirted, told him you live alone, and joked about a one night stand, but then told him you’re married? What are you trying to accomplish with this?

    Whatever is going through his mind, he’s clearly not interested in meeting up, or having you as an acquaintance. You can’t force something like this on someone. He may think you’re playing games based on the way you’ve been acting (flirting & suggesting ONS but then saying you’re married– that’s not trustworthy behavior).

    Twelve years is a really long time. The guy you are remembering in your head is not the guy he is now. You need to let go of the fantasy and move on.

    #778073 Reply


    This guy has zero interest in seeing you and declined your offer twice. I cant really blame him since 12 years has passed. But dont feel bad about the rejection.
    I would think that if you are seriously thinking about cheating and diving back In the past, something must not be right in your marriage, for example lacking intimacy. I would go look at that and stop reaching out to him

    #778074 Reply


    You’re kidding yourself…
    You want WAY more from this guy than you have written here.

    What would your husband say about this?

    #778075 Reply


    Good for him, lots of men are not tempted by married women.
    Leave the poor guy alone.

    I am so sick of the “marrieds” that pollute online dating and string women (and men) along, then drop the I am married bomb, or just disappear after getting their ego stroked. Stop preying on single men and women like that. I have had so many married men come onto me, then ghost or walk away, and all of that wears on you over time, making you distrustful and cynical.

    You toyed with this poor guy. Leave him alone.

    #778084 Reply


    Please leave him alone.
    He’s not interested and you are married.

    You seeking this “friendship” that means there are problems in your marriage. Really think about it, why is so important that you keep in touch with him?

    If your ego is bruised by this, perhaps you aren’t getting enough attention at home.

    You’ve even gone as far as soliciting advice on a forum and yet you’re married.

    #778085 Reply

    T from NY

    It doesn’t take courage to cheat on your relationship. It takes a really sad, pitiful hubris and a hefty dose of entitlement to think you can do what you want because you feel like it. Please find ways to cultivate your honesty and integrity.

    #778087 Reply


    I’m not married actually but I just told him I’m married to save myself from the shame of possible rejection from him.

    #778089 Reply

    new Newbie

    You declined to state you were not married when he asked. Then later proceed to tell him you are married. Now you’re saying you’re not married.

    Forget about what he’s doing.

    Why are you saying you are married, when you’re not?

    Do you think that’s a good foot to start off on?

    #778090 Reply


    Well, I just wanted to gauge how he will respond to me… Im not married but I don’t want him to think that I have any romantic designs or desires on him, I can’t stand being rejected by him again..

    I was curious to know how he’s doing and thought of reconnecting with him casually via a physical meet up again. I was encouraged by his initial warm response so I reciprocated..

    Do I like him? Well, I regard him as like a crush, unrequited love. I thought things were be less awkward after all these years.

    I’m sad cos I know he will never get back. He probably has this idea that the old hen (me) is back to woo and “force” herself upon him, so I had to say I’m married..but it didn’t change his perception of me either. It’s like he detest me alot

    #778091 Reply


    I plucked up my courage to reach out to him after so many years and I can say I’m embarrassed by his “rejection”

    Y should he even perceive it that I’m still interested in him and lingering feelings?

    Is it wrong to reconnect with someone from the past just on friendly, no motive terms?

    #778092 Reply

    new Newbie

    “Im not married but I don’t want him to think that I have any romantic designs or desires on him”

    But you said earlier you suggested a one night stand?

    Combined with telling him you’re married he probably thought you want to cheat on your husband and he wants no part of that.

    Good for him.

    #778096 Reply


    This guy is clearly not into you and can see through your bs game. Get therapy and quit living in the past seeking validation to avoid dealing with your own personal issues.

    #778098 Reply


    Having feelings for someone who doesnt feel the same is not embarrashing, its just being a human being with emotions. But are kind of weird about it, you said you didnt disclose you were married at first (which suggests that you are), then you are not. Im not here for truth, i dont really care, but if you hate to be rejected by this guy then block his number and move on

    #778100 Reply


    I didn’t suggest ons…I said let’s do something fun and exciting together…he said what do I suggest…? I said I don’t have anything in mind in particular and ask him for any suggestions..

    He asked if I’m open to anything…I said what does he mean? Does he mean like ons that type? He said he’s too old and lifeless for that..

    #778102 Reply


    How do you know hes not married or attached? Anyway, lying to him about your marital status is deceptive and playing games. He has decided to RUN for good reason.

    #778103 Reply


    Yes Newbie. I have blocked him and will not initiate contact.

    Theres only so much rejection that I can take.

    If he is so repulsed by me, he should not have replied so warmly in the first place, telling me exactly where he lives, sending me his latest pics, telling me that he dreamed about going to my flat, then went cold on me.

    #778104 Reply


    He told me he’s single and he’s happy being single

    #778106 Reply

    new Newbie

    Oh sweet Meg.

    You could have just said that you were not married and then “hey let’s go for coffee” when he asked. You don’t need to do anything over the top.

    #778107 Reply


    Well this got weird and awkward.

    Stop reaching out to this guy because, married or not.

    He is not interested in catching up, after 11 years that’s a long shot.

    Is there a reason you aren’t out there dating and meeting people? You seem hung up on someone you barely knew from years ago.

    #778108 Reply


    Yes newbie, I was wrong…I tried to flirt using those guru texting tips to keep his interest high

    Now all is ruined

    #778109 Reply


    I guess there wasn’t closure on how we ended…I just wanted to talk to him in person and maybe get that closure so that I can heal and untie this emotional knot.

    I got by the past others ..but this is like an old unhealed times still hurting me and reminding me of the what ifs and whys…

    #778112 Reply


    Meg, really youre in a weird funk. He is not repulsed or anything. You were just looking for an ego stroke in the wrong place and it backfired. If i would call up an old crush the exact same thing would happen to me probably. Let it go

    #778113 Reply


    I know this will sound extremely weird but just put the guy in your personal heaven for closure. That when you die he will be there. When i was in my 20ies, my best friend who was always chasing guys came up with the concept to put every guy you didnt get in your heaven. Well i did and no one is there anymore. All poof

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