Please help- what does all this mean?!


Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals Please help- what does all this mean?!

This topic contains 8 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Keke 4 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #930729 Reply

    Keke

    Hi everyone,
    Love reading these forums. They’re extremely helpful and I’m learning so much.

    I have a situation I’d like raw honest feedback on. I met a guy last month. We got along great, went out, talked for hours, etc.
    he has 4 kids, I have 1. He’s in the middle of an ugly custody battle. It’s…. messy and I’ll admit, it’s become a turn off to constantly have to hear about it.

    He’s said things like ‘I can’t believe you like me, I like you so much it scares me, I never met anyone like you’ …. but he’s become inconsistent as his court dates come up.
    I get it, he’s stressed and his head isn’t completely in this.
    He was full court press and now….. he’s completely different.
    He texts sporadically, hasn’t asked to see me, and I don’t understand why?
    I Thanks for any insights:)

    #930730 Reply

    Keke

    He’s 40, I’m 42 fyi. He’s also made comments like ‘I can’t believe you like me, I can’t afford to give you the things you’re used to’. Yuck. I never asked nor do I want anything from him. I’m a successful career woman and single mom. Nothing has come easy for me. I worked very hard.

    I’m feeling like I’m the one who’s not good enough.
    Pity, party of 1…. lol.
    Just don’t know what I did wrong.

    #930731 Reply

    Raven

    Here’s your raw honest feedback… ‘He’s in the middle of an ugly custody battle. It’s…. messy and I’ll admit, it’s become a turn off to constantly have to hear about it.’

    You’ve known this guy for a month. Seriously, What is the attraction?

    #930732 Reply

    Keke

    Ugh Raven I know … you’re right. I just… enjoyed his company
    I haven’t dated in a few years and have just felt a bit lonely to be honest.

    #930739 Reply

    Raven

    A kitten will help with loneliness…

    #930756 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I’m with Raven, I don’t see the attraction? “His head isn’t completely in this”, he’s in the middle of a messy court battle that he’s constantly talking about, he has 4 kids he’s responsible for which means he has major parenting responsibilities.

    I don’t understand why you feel you’re not good enough? Maybe you should so some self-reflection and ask yourself why you’d feel “not good enough” just because a guy with major issues is acting flaky and contacting you sporadically? He’s a mess right now, it’s not about you, it’s about him and his issues. You should value yourself more and realize that his behavior has nothing to do with you. And frankly, he is not a good prospect for dating, you can see that, can’t you? You’d be better off dating other guys and seeking attention from someone else.

    #930761 Reply

    Keke

    @ Liz Lemon
    You’re speaking straight facts there. Facts!
    I came from an abusive household so I know I’m carrying around that “I need to prove my worth to you” shame.
    I DO need to self reflect because… I know he is definitely not a good dating prospect at all. He contacted me today… and it’s usually just some memes and other nonsense. From a 40 yr old! I need to self reflect and remember my worth. It took years to get here, and looks like I have a long way to go.

    Let me ask… why is he even bothering with communicating anymore?! It’s silly at this point. That’s why I’m done responding.

    Thank you for helping me.

    @Raven…. LOL! I have 3 cats! Sure don’t want another lollolol… however I know the point you trying to make and you’re another one speaking facts tonight!

    #930763 Reply

    Maddie

    Coming from an abusive household can make you feel attracted to what’s familiar, even if that’s someone toxic. The way through it sounds cliche, but it is working on your self-esteem, self-compassion, and self-acceptance. It can take a lot to confront trauma, but healing it naturally shifts your “picker” from toxic to more stable partners.

    He’s still talking to you because you’re a nice, fun companion who can give him some distraction from his dumpster fire life. Why wouldn’t he want to talk to you? If you’re willing to answer, it’s a connection for him and that’s probably comforting. He can seek that out even without looking for or being able to show up for an actual relationship that’s going somewhere.

    #930768 Reply

    Keke

    Thank you Maddie.
    You’re right about the abusive household stuff.
    My picker has always been off and Ive chosen toxic my whole life if I’m being honest.
    And I do feel such shame about this….

    Damn. I feel so stupid… I left him on read at least.
    I don’t want to feel worse than I do now.

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