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- This topic has 6 replies and was last updated 4 years, 5 months ago by
AllieM.
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Anna
Hi guys I know I will probably get shamed for this but I really need some help. I have been married for many years but it is dead in the water. We both know and accept it and are together for our family and probably to prevent the massive upheaval of separating our lives at our age (50’s). I met someone a few years ago and we became very good friends and it progressed into a deep intimate relationship. He lives with his girlfriend so we both have other lives but share so much together too. We spend a lot of time together and speak every day. We are in love but seem kind of stuck in the same place year after year. Every year he goes away with his girlfriend at Xmas and new year and it is always difficult and causes us problems as I struggle to deal with it. It is looming again and I feel the black cloud coming and truly am thinking it may be time to end things for good as it isn’t a healthy place to be. The thought of living without him kills me so I’m kind of burying my head in the sand until it get nearer the time when I know I will crumble. There is no point trying to discuss it as He avoids talking about anything relating to us and just likes to live for each day we have together. He says He loves me deeply and as long as I am in his life he is happy. This holiday is coming round fast and it panics me, I truly am stuck and don’t know which way to turn x
Amy
Do you think that he is comfortable with the way things are because you’re married and he gets what he wants without committing to you? He also gets to have sex with his gf (and you) without you being able to get jealous. How do you know he doesn’t have other girlfriends too? No offense but you’re both very selfish. And dishonest. He’d probably freak out if you got a divorce..and would break up with you. Sorry to be so mean but he sounds like an ***hole. You’re better off without him. Don’t let him have his cake and eat it too.
Peggy
Well,you are both cheaters. And 2 wrongs rarely make a right. He seems unlikely to change his situation and indeed he has no incentive to do so. He has “his cake and eat it too” set up going on with you/a girlfriend.
You should get divorced,is my advice. Why stay in a sham marriage? -divorce and be free to do asyou please without guilt. I am not saying that will help your position with Mr. Cheater,it likely won’t. Plus, he would likely cheat on you,if you did get together-given his past history. But you will have options that you can give your all to. Perhaps your choice is not your marriage or Mr. Cheater, but a third option-personal integrity and living a life,having a relationship that does not hurt others or truthfully hurt your heart and self-respect.T from NY
Beyond how reprehensible is for you to do this to another woman — the saddest part is you are staying in two relationships in which neither give you what you really want. When your marriage ended emotionally – you sought (or allowed) your emotional needs to be met by a person who was obviously unavailable to you. This is what happens when women don’t make the choice to love themselves first and meet their own needs. What you want cannot be found in either of the men you’re with. I am alone and plan to stay that way unless I develop feelings for a man who is emotionally available and crazy devoted to me. It’s not easy. But I am calm, peaceful, independent and joyous most of the time. My dignity is intact.
I know you say it’s so wonderful how you talk every day, and the connection you feel, and on and on. But it’s all smoke. Nothing behind the mirror. He USES you because you allow it. The relationship is on HIS terms because you want more. All your current feelings for him are distractions from you getting real with what it is you really want, as well as not being willing to do the real work of learning to love yourself.
A lot of men go long periods without being in committed relationships. Women could take a page from their book – about living alone – focusing on yourself — instead of using two men as emotional crutches. I wish that freedom for you someday.
T from NY
PS I am not judging needing self-growth. We all do. But I wish you the very best in figuring out why you would allow yourself to be the other woman. If you begin to make better choices — you WILL have hurt and some suffering while you heal, but they will pass. If you continue your current course you will remain in pain.
Better off single
Take the pain, it doesn’t last forever. You know in your heart it’s the right thing to do. Since you know this, prolonging the inevitable might make it hurt worse because of over thinking your feelings for him. When you could look at it as he isn’t leaving his girlfriend and you’re the side chick. Stop settling. I’m sorry. It sucks. Do the right thing so you can make room to find the love you really want.
AllieM
No you are not in love. Not at all. You’re simply using each other to dull the pain and distract yourselves from reality and what you should be doing, which is getting honest and getting out of relationships you don’t want to be in any longer. You’re both lazy, weak, selfish, and you have low self worth.
How do I know? I was you. Same situation, same excuses. I finally got real and told my husband it was time for us to end it. Turned out he wanted a divorce too but was too afraid to tell me. We got it done even though it was hard, it was the right thing to do. Our children were relieved.
My dear sweet lover, who claimed he was so in love with me, told me he was going to tell her he was leaving. Then he took me to super fancy dinner one night and told me he couldn’t do it.
He wound up having a nervous breakdown, I heard later. She divorced him and it sent him over the edge. He couldn’t live with her, but apparently couldn’t live without her either. She remarried inside of a year once the divorce was final and he was in and out of mental hospitals so she got full custody of the kids. I saw him on the street some years later and didn’t recognize him – he came up to me and said hello and I couldn’t figure out who he was until he told me. Gained 60 lbs. Bloated from all the medications he was taking. Looked 20 years older. I went home and cried.
All I was to him was an excuse to get out of the house, and another outlet for sex. I was such a fool, I can’t even begin to tell you how stupid it was to carry on with him for the years I did.
Wise up and start doing the right things – drop this guy and get out of your marriage. It won’t be easy but on the other side is you. The real you that you are suppressing to do all of these unhealthy things.
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