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This topic contains 20 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Better off single 3 weeks ago.

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  • #778040 Reply

    WTH

    Went on a date last night with a guy who is 42 yrs old. He said he’s never been married but was in a very long relationship, now single for past 3 years. He stated he was new to Bumble and talked a lot about being old school. We texted on app for about a 1.5weeks and talked via phone on app for about an hour one night before meeting yesterday in person. I had given him my phone number about a week in but he never used it and just communicated through the app. I thought nothing of it since we hadn’t met and he hadn’t used apps before.

    Our date was drinks that turned into light dinner, about 3 hours. He was a complete gentleman on the phone (no sexting) and in person as well. Flirted some. Paid for meal. Walked me out and kissed me 3-4 great kisses by the car. It felt natural and easy. He texted when I got home, asking about my holiday schedule and stated he had a wonderful evening. He told me he wanted to see me sooner rather than later. I asked could we talk on the phone soon and set something up and he said Great! Then we said goodnight.

    But today when I went to see his profile on Bumble – he was gone!!! I don’t know if because we agreed to talk on the phone he’ll reach out (he has my number but I don’t have his) or I’ve been ghosted. No communication today. Just wondering peoples thoughts. I’m obviously not caring so much about the guy as mystified at this behavior!! Makes it hard to trust people ya know?!

    #778041 Reply

    JB

    Could be a couple of things…he was done with the app and likes you so he decided to delete the profile, he blocked you on the app so you couldn’t see his activity (I don’t know Bumble so just a guess), he has a gf/wife and got caught, etc. Give it a few days to see if you hear from him, if not, his loss. Keep living your life and dating whoever you want. A lot of guys online are flakes, so I expect it until they’ve proven reliable over a period of time. I’ve learned not to get emotionally attached until they are with me, not always easy, but it’s easier when you don’t want your heart broken!

    #778052 Reply

    anon

    I am convinced that men hit 40 and go on those apps to get reassurance that they are still dateable. And they do crap like that. And given that he was hesitant to give you his phone number, he is probably either in a relationship OR he has a history of ghosting and has learned to not give a woman too many avenues to call him out.

    If it makes you feel better, I am 46. I am on Bumble. in the past year, probably 20 40-something men have scheduled dates with me. 19 of them went *poof* pre-date. 1 lied about his age and was mid 50’s. Lest you think it was me, I’d say 20 men in their 20’s/30’s have asked me out. Of those, one has cancelled and he gave me a heads up.

    So yes, he probably ghosted. But it’s no big loss and do not take it personally.

    #778086 Reply

    WTH

    I’m still hoping he contacts me. Only because I rarely like men in general. And it’s not I care about the loss of a potential romantic thing – men come and go. It’s just the overall degeneration of human decency is awful to see. Especially after anons post. Especially also men in their 40s. My experience is younger guys have ALWAYS been more polite. I don’t care why and if it’s just to try and get in my pants. At least they court a woman. He was a gentleman on the date -but maybe realized I wasn’t gonna bang him anytime soon. Dunno. Thanks ladies

    #778144 Reply

    Lane

    You can bang your head against trying to find an explanation or just accept that he doesn’t owe you a date, his phone number or a follow up.

    Dating is just that, an informal process of meeting someone where most people you meet on a daily basis evolve into nothing and you go on your merry way. Men within second KNOW if they are going to actually ask you out again. Of course they are going to use flowery words (puffery) and not say what they REALLY FEEL such as “she’s boring, she’s not that attractive enough, that kiss was like kissing a fish.” His mind was made up long before the date ended and just used the standard line that a lot of men do so not to ruffle feathers so they can go into oblivion quietly and silently.

    This man knows how women operate, knows that if they give out their number they are inviting trouble, so he took the same approach I did because 10 out of 9 times I has ZERO desire to see that guy again so limiting access was the best and easiest way to disappear without having to engage in any heavy talk with a stranger I had no desire to talk to or see again.

    Dating is hard enough, no need to make it harder and just accept a non-follow up (further contact or dates) mean’s “I’m not interested.”

    #778153 Reply

    anon

    Lane, what I don’t understand is that there is a distinct difference in how men treat you based on age.

    Ghosting is almost a hallmark of 40 something guys. They are a really avoidant group of people and super rude and entitled to boot. What is disconcerting is the almost uniformity of their actions. It’s how they end things.

    Like my friend was ghosted by a 47 year old after he got her pregnant and said he wanted to marry her. Meanwhile, I had a date planned with a 28 year old guy who met someone else, but he felt compelled to cancel the date and let me know he met someone else. He did not want to leave me hanging. Clearly he dated a lot, and dealt with a lot of women…

    Honestly, women should just boycott these men over 40.

    #778168 Reply

    Vera

    Well statistically speaking , men over 40 are likely to have more issues. I mean they’re over 40! There is likely a reason they’re still single . Though this is not the rule and I’m sure there are many lovely people over 40 out there (and I’ve dated great guys over 40 who wouldn’t ghost).

    #778189 Reply

    WTH

    Ya Lane you’re ridiculous and didn’t read my post. I had ZERO expectations for this guy or any guy I’m just meeting. What was CRAZY was that HE messaged me after the date, said he had such a wonderful evening, asked my schedule, shared his and said that with the holiday craziness he wanted to see “sooner rather than later”. I could care less if didn’t want to see me again. I also usually know within minutes if I like a guy and I usually DONT. So I was excited when he expressed he liked me too.

    What I was posting about is the INSANE lack of human decency that a man would be false and reach out to me the same evening after the date then frickin erase and frickin ghost the next day. It’s BS and NOT just part of normal dating. Normal dating is he just doesn’t follow up. He just doesn’t express interest or arrange dates.

    Stop making women on here feel they do stuff wrong and you NEVER do. I am here to discuss dating trends in general – not to be preached to.

    #778190 Reply

    new Newbie

    Your first date was last night?

    I think it’s premature to deduce he’s “ghosted” at this stage.

    It’s only been one day.

    #778192 Reply

    Vera

    Actually I smell a rotten one … he didn’t actually set a day or time when she said could we talk on the phone and just said great . Gross. Maybe he texted you for his own ego boost and got it when he saw you were interested . Some people can be terrible and it’s hard to tell because they put on a nice gentleman like front . If he doesn’t text again consider yourself lucky , and try not to let it get you discouraged

    #778198 Reply

    Ss

    I went on a date a few months back that went well and i thought I’d probably want a second date but didn’t think much of when etc. At the end of the date he said he really love to see me again and laid it on mega thick. I was flattered and pleased.

    The next morning – 12 hours later and the majority of time i assume he was sleeping he text me and said that actually there was no chemistry and he didn’t want a second date but we should meet for coffee as friends!

    I was sooooo confused by this…. he was the keen one not me but he changed his mind. It happens, its not the end of the world but its bloody confusing!!

    I have zero expectations of men now and probably have my guard up pretty high because i am sick of the constant mixed messages and general flakiness!

    #778199 Reply

    WTH

    No first date was Tuesday after an acceptable amount of time we met in person. So now it’s been 3 days. He’s def a weirdo. And it does makes me put my guard up a little. I’m convinced he was either married or coupled and made to delete his profile. Why else would he go through the damn trouble. So bizarre

    #778200 Reply

    Lane

    Listen, if you can’t discern the difference from flowery words and actions that’s not my fault nor problem!

    I don’t assume or believe what a man say’s until he backs it up with ACTION for a good amount of time before I can even build some trust, and even then I still carefully watch, observe and listen until I can be sure they are a good man. You don’t know this dude, other than what he told you which could be a big crock of crapola, so not sure why your getting all frustrated over a stranger?

    Trust me, this has nothing to do with age, it has everything to do with character.

    #778202 Reply

    FFS

    If you are this bent out of shape over one date and think this guy owes you anything else, you should stop OLD. I’m with Lane, after one date a guy doesn’t owe you an explanation and as one other person showed, getting the “didn’t feel chemistry let’s be friends” message is even worse than silence! I watch women here complain equally about guys of all ages. Age doesn’t matter. Maturity does. OLD is a zoo. If you can’t hack it, ditch it. You shouldn’t care this much to be pissed off and posting here whining about it after only one date – you’re way too invested. The right guy will pursue you and it will go smoothly. If you’re not getting that, wrong guy!

    #778203 Reply

    Daisy

    WTH- I totally hear what you’re saying. It’s super frustrating. And don’t listen to those saying you’re “overinvested”. It just seems like you’re frustrated with men not being upfront or acting interested when they know it’s not going anywhere. I had something very similar happen recently, so I get it. And sometimes you just want to vent! I really hate it when people reply like they’re the absolute dating experts and they do everything perfectly and you’re just too over sensitive to date. Don’t listen to that noise. It just comes off as sanctimonious and insufferable.

    Anyway, just a little Bumble tip (if you don’t know already). If you scroll all the way down past the active members, you’ll see the conversations you’ve had with members that deleted their profile. So if he doesn’t show up there, that means he unmatched you. Just FYI…

    #778228 Reply

    GirlFromNYC

    Daisy – those who aren’t over invested after one date think like this: great date, let’s see what he does next, regardless of what he does or says on the date. And if it’s nothing, they shrug and keep on trucking. Not even a blip on the radar. They don’t spend time wondering if they did something wrong or what happened. They don’t need to post on a relationship advice site to do “ain’t it awful.” If you’re fussing over what a guy you saw once or twice and barely know does or doesn’t do, you’re too invested already and trying too hard. Whether you find that sanctimonious or not it’s the truth.

    It doesn’t take a “dating expert” to know that’s how you have to handle online dating or you drive yourself crazy and get a very negative attitude.

    #779188 Reply

    WTH

    Nobody is over invested. Nobody has a problem with guy not asking me out again. Nobody minds waiting to see what happens. I def have a problem with someone being complete weirdo by reaching out when I would have been fine either way, then deleting. It was bizarre. But I’m sorry I ever thought I could get constructive, encouraging words from most of the people on this site about general dating/human behavior frustration in general. Women are their worst enemies. And that’s sad.

    #779189 Reply

    anon

    If you look at what happened, he didn’t say I’ll call you this weekend to go out. He texted, you texted you wanted him to call you and he gave a vague answer of Great. It doesn’t really mean anything is what the other women are saying. I think women are tough on other women on this site to help you become stronger out there. Men are taking advantage of what dating has begun- communication without actually talking or being in the presence of another, women taking the texting at a value far beyond its worth and buying into the “lines” men have been using for years. We are the more emotionally intelligent sex- let’s act like it.

    #779196 Reply

    GirlFromNYC

    WTH you are really not getting this. Who cares what he said or did?? He hadn’t earned your trust. You do not know this man. It’s just words he said and you are taking it so seriously like he signed the dotted line and then broke a contract.

    YES he acted bizarrely. Big deal! Why are you so bent out of shape over it? Online guys do it all the time. You don’t know why he suddenly deleted, could be any number of reasons.

    You ARE over invested. The was you’re talking is the definition of over invested.

    I’m from NYC and God help you if you’re over 30 there and dating. The men know the numbers are in their favor and they do whatever. You have to just ignore the weirdos, jerks and basket cases or you’d go nuts. There are good ones out there for sure but you often have to wade through a lot of strange without getting negative or discouraged. You just cannot afford to give a damn what a guy does until you know him well.

    #779211 Reply

    new Newbie

    “Women are their worst enemies”

    You’re a “woman” and you’re bashing women?

    Follow Taylor Swift’s advice…”You Need To Calm Down”.

    #779213 Reply

    Better off single

    don’t assume or believe what a man say’s until he backs it up with ACTION.

    If a man is interested in pursuing you it’s obvious.

    It sucks when you’re so attracted and start conjuring up some fake future in your head and he bails or you realize he wasn’t really interested and you were.

    You are breaking your own heart and you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

    It’s so important to watch his actions.

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