Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Old Flame Advice
- This topic has 9 replies and was last updated 3 years, 10 months ago by
T from NY.
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Bubbaboo
Social media strikes again. After 16 years of NC, I saw my first love, on social media as we have mutual friends so I reached out and said hey in a friendly way. It took him a week to respond. Turns out he’s single, we start chatting everyday all day. Him initiating contact as I’ve been keeping him at arms length, we had a tough conversation about our breakup as it was a not great. Cleared the air.
We ended up going out for a hike, which resulted in 6 hours of talking. He told me some of the difficulties he’s experiencing and said he was telling me things he’d never told anyone. I just let him talk as he sounded like he needed to get things off his chest, i inputted where I felt I could. We did still manage to have a laugh and it was a pleasant evening.
As we were going he gave me a strong hug, not just a polite hug, he didn’t let go for a minute. He then mentioned about hanging out again, which I was receptive to as no drama.
When I got home from him, he messaged but then it got real late so I went to bed. Next day I hear nothing so send a message and he starts really dragging on responding, not his usual habits. He always responds, just taking a long time )all day) for a short answer. No drama again, I didn’t respond to one of his messages as there wasn’t anything else to say. But later that evening he starts messaging again with just generic conversation, then goes off again. So I leave it.
Next day I was going with friends to do something he mentioned he wanted to do, so I invited him and got a brush off response saying he had to go to the gym. I’ve not heard from him since. I’ve not made contact either, not about to.
Is my ego a little bruised, uh huh as there still felt like sparks when we met, but nothing major. I just don’t get his actions, we’d / he / I never mentioned dating again, in fact we talked about the nightmares of dating at our ages. We’d been flirty but nothing of significance. I even told him I thought he need to sort his life out before getting into a new relationship. So I don’t get the distancing all of a sudden. Any clues?
Newbie
He just isnt very interested in meeting in a frequent manner. He doesnt know your intentions although i doubt they are as innocent as you are describing. Plus you gave him the advice to sort his life out before you felt he is ready to date lol. If i had met someone who i havent seen in 20 years i would either burst into laughter or go away. He may contact you again but clearly doesnt want it to look like he is a suitor. 20 year old flames barely are. Its a dried out candle once you lit it again
Liz Lemon
Like Newbie said, I think he just isn’t interested in hanging out with you as much as you are with him. You went on a 6 hour hike and talked, and you thought there were sparks, but maybe there weren’t on his end. Within a couple of days you ask him to hang out with you and your friends and he flat out wasn’t interested.
You’re insisting that there’s “no drama” and that you are not interested in dating, but you’re fooling yourself– or else you would not be emphasizing the sparks, the hug, the flirting, the bruised ego when he didn’t want to hang out. I think this guy picked up on your vibe and doesn’t want to give you the impression that he wants to rekindle anything. So really, he is doing you a favor, because he doesn’t want to mislead you. You might hear from him again eventually but I doubt he wants to become a regular fixture in your life.
Bubbaboo
Appreciate the words, you’re both probably right to some degree.
Although Newbie, I didn’t just tell him to sort his life out from nowhere, it wasn’t out of context of the given conversation lol
Newbie
Yeah im emphasizing it a bit since it made me crack up. Also the second date where you wanted him to meet his friends. Thats stuff guys nightmare are made off. Lol take care
Alice
Yikes! Too many mixed signals here. I kinda don’t blame the guy for pulling back. At this point you’ll really need to think about what you’re looking for in this relationship.
If the answer is that you want to see if you two can date again, I’d steer clear of the “sort his life out” comments. I’m sure it wasn’t ill intended but I would’t want to hear that from any guy who wanted to date me and I’m sure men feel the same.
Lane
Of course you were hoping to re-ignite something with him, nothing wrong with that as there are many stories of old flames getting re-lit so you can’t know until you try. However, it became glaring obvious after the hike that he had no interest or desire to rekindle the flame, and should have taken his big clue when his contact began to wane. I’m sure he initially wondered too but it just didn’t happen for him the way it did for you. Instead of letting it naturally fade/die again, you continued to raise the pressure (heat), and that’s why it failed.
You can’t *act* like the “Cool Girl” (no drama) by being the Hot Girl (pursuer). A Cool girl takes the *resistor role* by resisting the need to chase/pursue a man the moment she *feels* him pulling back (losing interest) by NOT texting, pushing, prodding, checking in or sending any type of smoke signal to remind a man you exist. A man knows you exist, so no need to waste your time reminding him if he’s not interested in pursing anything with you romantically, or not. The moment you start counting “the time” between his texts is the moment you lost your cool factor because a cool girl wouldn’t even notice it as she only focuses only on men/people who consistently SHOW UP (text, make contact, plans, etc.) over a good period of time.
I know you were hoping for a spark from his end but it wasn’t there. The moment you see a man’s interest shift, then decline, its a *clear signal* they are pulling back or fading away, and its in your best interest to do the same. Bottom line: If its not a HELL YES, then its a HELL NO.
Bubbaboo
I hear you. But he contacted first post meeting up. Same the day after, but then took a heck load longer to reply and I only ever replied to his messages, no double messaging. The only time I initiated contact was when I was setting up a trip with my friends. I responded nicely to his message that declined the trip and heard nothing, so I’ve not contacted him and not about to.
Maybe a small bit of cool girl in me :)
Sensy
Don’t be the one paddling the boat. Lean back and let him do the work (initiating, date requests)…and continue to live your life and not making yourself so available. Space is a huge piece of a guy falling in love.
T from NY
With the limited information you gave – he sounds emotionally unavailable to me. Blowing hot cold are classic signs. One day he spends hours with you and shares personal details of his life- then he initiates contact the next day- but then drags on replies and doesn’t set something else up? If he wasn’t interested why follow up so quickly unless he wants to keep you on the hook?
Absolutely what others have said. Let him be. Let him lead (or not). Live your life. And observe if he makes plans again if this hot and cold business continues. If it does – don’t waste your time.
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