This topic contains 25 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Tammy 5 days, 11 hours ago.
July 11, 2022 at 2:41 pm #935007
I have a crush Im planning to ask out but for a few reasons I haven’t yet. I decided decided to message her “Busy? Want to get coffee?” (we’re in the same program for the summer). She sent back two frowning faces and said she just went to the coffee shop with her friend. But included two additional messages, saying she’s finishing one thing then free, and said “How are you doing?”
I responded by saying something funny because I’m working on a terrible project, and she replied again, “HAHAH Omg whyyyyy????” and said “you really need (name of coffee shop)!!” As I was thinking about what to say back, she sent another message saying “I would go to (name of cafe in our building) with you.”
I’m new to this but I assume it’s a good sign she suggested grabbing coffee on site? I feel like she could’ve just left it at she already went, and she also made the point of saying she was free even though she already got coffee. Grantee we are friendly with each other
Then after we grabbed coffee, I didn’t go right for the elevator, and she decided to hit the button for my floor and said she would come visit, and she came back to my desk and talked to me and my friend for like 45 mins.
In addition to this over a period of weeks she has seemed enthusiastic that I wanted to come visit her office, she asked to come down and see me (though her friend was with her). She’s complimented me and at an after work event, playfully pushed my forearm while I made her laugh and she seemed inquisitive of my recent relationship that same night. On multiple occasions at work I’ve noticed she stands so close to me. In my gut I’ve felt like she’s interested but I’m so bad at this stuff
Granted I actually don’t know her relationship statusJuly 11, 2022 at 3:12 pm #935009
Dude, she’s throwing herself at you lol. Just ask her out, not for a boring cup of coffee or meal but something interesting like a game of mini golf; a museum or place of interest; local event or band, etc. If she says yes, the rest of your concerns are irrelevant. If she says no, then they might be—won’t know until you try :o)July 12, 2022 at 2:18 am #935011
She’s interested. Skip the coffee meet ups now and ask her out on a proper date like Lane suggested. Remember you have to keep leading things. Pursue her correctly with all respect that you have for her. Share your interest and build connections. So your next move is to ask her if she is comitted to someone, because you would like to take her on a date.July 14, 2022 at 1:07 am #935043
Thank you. I hadn’t gotten a chance to ask her yet. But anyway we had an after work event tonight and we talked for a long time. I mentioned how I’m taking 2 people to dinner next week and I didn’t know where to go yet. She said she’d give me recs and her sister knows a ton of great spots.
Then she asked for my number, so I had her put hers in my phone and I texted her.
There’s zero reason she needed my number for this. We email and IM at work fairly often and that’s very easily how she could’ve communicated these recommendations to meJuly 14, 2022 at 6:56 am #935044
Call her & ask her out on a date!July 14, 2022 at 8:18 am #935045
Dude, just take her on a date. Get to know eachother on that level. That’s the part where it really counts. She’s going to think you don’t want to take this further if you don’t step up. She will lose interest or would think YOU’RE not interested in her like that. It’s not about rushing in, it’s about the moment is right. Take it. And tell us how the date went.July 15, 2022 at 5:02 pm #935073
Definitely interested! I am oerplexed that you didn’t know this already. I vote a date of live music. My bf is a musician so we often listen to live music and it is so fun and romantic as a date.July 15, 2022 at 5:03 pm #935074
*perplexedJuly 15, 2022 at 5:06 pm #935075
Oh no…you mentioned two other people you are dating. Definite red flag of insecure. Maybe she didn’t pick up on it.July 15, 2022 at 5:09 pm #935076
Know that saying such things is a turn off for a woman who had it together. We are here to learn though. Aren’t we?July 15, 2022 at 5:13 pm #935077
One more comment about speaking of other women…, why would you want to sabotage it before it started? Maybe you need to dig deep on that.July 30, 2022 at 1:52 pm #935377
Okay…sorry if this is long but have a lot of updates. And sorry for the delay. First off, my question to her about taking two people to dinner…those were two potential hires at our firm, NOT dates. I’d never ask her advice on a date because I’d like to date her! Haha I may be oblivious but not that stupid!!! Haha!
So, I found out she’s got a boyfriend (it got brought up neither by me nor her). I’d never cross the line while she is with someone, but there are so many signs she might be interested Im wondering if she is, and there may be potential down the line for us. She’s literally the most incredible person I’ve ever met-beautiful, smart, sweet.
There’s a lot that’s happened and I can’t put it all but here’s the gist.
In addition to her wanting to get coffee as I described above, she’s quite touchy with me. She’s touched me gently on the bicep probably 3-4 times. She stands quite close to me when we’re together, and on a couple occasions so close I really noticed it. We were at a work after party at a baseball game, and she came over to talk to me. I said something funny and she put both her hands on my forearm and playfully pushed me. The same night she was asking about my somewhat recent relationship too.
She recently has given me a lot of compliments. She’s told me 3-4 times how stylish/well dressed I am. Later we were at a work after party, and she, my friend, and her friend were all standing together. When I joined, my friend remarked, “we were just saying how if the firm had awards you’d get best dressed.” I fully assume she mentioned it because this guy has no style. Also, the woman I like is very very stylish.
She’s also told me how I’m a “chill” person and calm. She’s told me I’m positive and a glass half full guy. She told me I’m very trustworthy, and she’s remarked about my sense of humor.
She’s always pleased to see me, and smiles. One time i was talking to see her in her office, and she happened to be walking out, and as soon as she saw me, she said in a pleasant voice, “hey you” and smiled. I took that as flirty. I notice her look at me on some ocassions. We were also talking alone at a happy hour, as mentioned above, and she asked for my number. She definitely could’ve just sent them to me at work on IM how we’d always communicated before.
We were supposed to go together to a lunch together with an executive at our firm. The night before she had a conflict scheduled, so she texted me at 7pm “UGH (six exasperated emojis) and then before I could reply she called me, asking if I was busy. I was walking into a restaurant so she apologized and texted me. She told me about the conflict and said she was so sorry with a bunch of emojis and told me to enjoy dinner, etc. We joked that we’d get muffins to celebrate the end of our program, so I said I better get my muffin though and she said “you will!!! With 8 smiling/those smiley emojis with the hands”. Conflicts at our place of work aren’t uncommon and I guess I wouldn’t have expected someone to call me about it especially if she texted already
When it came time to get the muffins, she was super busy but said either way we would get them, then I went to her office and hung out while she worked. So she made time she didn’t need to.
Additionally, as part of our program we get final job offers, and I got mine in a coveted group. When I told her she was literally so happy for me, like beaming. She told me multiple times how happy she was for me and how I deserved it and it’s incredible. We were in the elevator a short while later and when we got off she said it again and then gave me a hug. She brought it up the next day too and would mention to people that I got into this group.
On the second to last day, she brought up her boyfriend. But it wasn’t in a very good light. We were talking about banks, and she mentioned how X bank was a second tier firm, and I agreed. After I agreed she said her BF works there. I apologized but she said no you’re totally right, it is. She said how he went to one of the top schools, but he was an athlete and got terrible grades and partied all the time (I think to justify his firm?). Later she made a comment about how he gets annoyed she doesn’t like to drive.
Then at this after party, her office mate thought this girl said she wanted a ring. The girl replied, “a ring? Oh, no. No, definitely not.” I just thought how she brought up her boyfriend might be a signal that things aren’t great between them. I found that interesting. They’ve been together from what I can tell for 3 years. She also hugged me goodbye later that night at an after party then when we left the best day.
There’s a lot of little stuff in between. I also requested her on Instagram recently, and she replied to two of my “stories” I posted within the last week. Granted this most recent one I sent her a message back but she hasn’t read it yet.
On the flip side, I know she’s got a boyfriend. Her office mate was very often with us when we interacted. And she wasn’t so blatantly obvious looking at me sometimes or at times engaging me. For a couple days she felt colder but that more then reversed recently. She’s an outgoing person but I’ve never seen her hug anyone else or act as closely as she is to me, granted we’re friends. If she were single I’d basically have zero questions on how she’s acted.
Again, no line crossing from either of us, I feel like we’ve kept things in bounds. But I just have this gut feeling we really like each otherJuly 30, 2022 at 4:46 pm #935378
Oh man…. I was really loving this thread, right up until the moment you mentioned “boyfriend”.
So just throw a damp rag on things, here’s what’s coming up for me initially:
– she probably does like you and maybe even has a little crush on you;
– it’s not uncommon for people in long-term committed relationships to have crushes on other people.
– it doesn’t necessarily mean that theres any mileage in your relationship with her currently from a romantic perspective.
I love that you said you wouldn’t cross any boundaries. That’s the classy high ground that makes you an admirable man and worthy of a fantastic woman’s devotion.
This thing that’s between you though – man, there’s just no way of really knowing what’s going on in her head without pushing boundaries in an unbecoming way.
And even if there was, maybe it’s not even worth knowing what’s going on in her head at the moment. Just because she’s saying less than positive shining things about her boyfriend, it doesn’t mean it’s necessarily looking grim between them. Realistically, If she’s got a little crush on you, it’s unlikely she’s going to sing his praises in front of you – even if she’s going back home and melting into his arms when they’re alone together.
I know I know, I’m sorry, I know that’s not an image you want to think about, but seriously, I just feel like this is wasted energy trying to suss her out.
She probably fancies you. If she loves her boyfriend and has no intention of leaving him, there’s maybe feelings of guilt etc mixed up in there – assuming she has a moral base aligned with fidelity and commitment.
If her relationship is in trouble, I still would think twice with getting mixed up in the situation. These things are messy, confused and can get very ugly with a whole load of trouble with people not knowing whether they’re coming or going.
I’m not saying relationships that start out in that situation can’t work out, of course they caaannnn….
It’s just that, it’s cleaner and there maybe better prospects for a successful relationship start and progression when both parties are coming to it free with no messy strings/or baggage that’s raw and unhealed.
I know you’re not going to thank me for saying this, but her behaviour bugs me a little bit. She knows you like her and she’s probably loving the attention from a hot new admirer, all the while still enjoying the comfort and safety of having her long term boyfriend to go back home to at the end of the day.
Flirtings not illegal of course, and everyone has different rules about it. But it bugs me, she should keep her flirty touches and emojis to herself when she knows you like her (I’d bet my bottom dollar she knows how much you like her).
Of course I could be all wrong and be being overly harsh on her.
I know I know, she’s incredible and smart and sweet and funny….
You know what oblivious90? Crushes are wonderful and simultaneously just rubbish. They blind you to the stuff that you don’t want to see, and have you focusing on all the little signs that confirm what you really want to believe, even if it doesn’t serve you.
It’s just that you sound like a really nice guy, with superb prospects, and you’re going to be s really great catch for a beautiful sincere woman.
That’s what I’d want for you. I bet there’s at least half a dozen cool girls in the background that have got their eye on you and would jump at the chance to date you. But you’re hung up on this no-go-off-limits woman who enjoys the flirting but has a big warm boyfriend to cuddle up with at home every night.
I don’t often swear but, WT#….?!!!!!
And as if that’s not enough to put a damper on it, I really wouldn’t mix business and pleasure personally. I know some people do and meet their partners at work etc etc. but thats massively outweighed with ugly messes from failed relationships that interfere with work and career focus.
Think carefully and do a full cost benefit analysis before you risk compromising your focus and brilliance at work for something there’s no guarantees about.
You sound like such a catch, and I’m only saying all this because I think you deserve better and more!. Keep your options open and your vision wide. You could keep wasting your time on somebody else’s girlfriend who enjoys a good flirt every now and again, but why would you when there are dozens of beautiful free smart sexy single women out there that you could be having way more real fun and connection with…. and going on dates with NOW! Sweet sexy fun and kisses and real depth and sincerity and respect and connection… with someone who gets you and treats you with respect in a genuinely kind, sweet and truthful inspiring way…, isn’t that what you really want???
Here’s my personal request to you – Write back and tell us about at least 6 other prospects you’ve noticed, who might make a fun date or even more….
Are you up for that challenge oblivious90??? 😜😊😊😊🌟🌟🌟July 30, 2022 at 4:47 pm #935379
Yup, she likes you… But you know, until she breaks up with her current beau, she’s not available.July 30, 2022 at 4:56 pm #935380
Raven, I love reading your posts. They always make me think I really need to learn the art and genius of brevity. I would get so much more done in my day…. 🙄😄
You’re awesome 🌟July 30, 2022 at 8:11 pm #935382
@M — thank you! Your reply makes a lot of sense! I appreciate your kind words!
I will say that normally I’d never stay interested in someone that is in a relationship, it’s not my style. But from the first night I met this girl I just had a feeling about her, that night I was like, “who is this incredible person I just met??” Sometimes you just have this feeling, ya know? Silly but literally if I had to make up a woman it would be her.
Also, I work with plenty of beautiful women I have no interest in. Normally I’m also a ‘don’t date someone you work with’ but again there’s just something about her. It just feels effortless around her.
But I’m also very cognizant of the fact this is likely going nowhere. Our situation is such that we worked together this summer, are both finishing our grad programs in different cities (though not too far away), and will be working full time at the same company in a year, in different departments.
As for the current bf, I’ve just had this suspicion things aren’t great with them. She never mentioned him whereas most of the other women in my program talked about their SOs. I don’t believe they see much of each other since he’s in a different city when she’s in school, plus her comments I referenced above. I of course looked him up once I found out who he was, and she also told me we are the same age. She and I are 4 years apart, so she met her bf while she was still in college, and I just have this feeling a lot has changed for them since then. He strikes me as the immature type. I guess I am invoking wishful thinking but also this was something I went through in my last relationship.
Don’t worry I’m putting myself out there and going on other dates, but there’s just something about this girl. I realize it’s likely going nowhere and, even if it did, it’s a long game that I likely don’t want to play.
Still, it feels good that she likes me because she’s absolutely gorgeous and the exact type of person I envision myself withJuly 30, 2022 at 8:12 pm #935383
@Raven — thank you! I was wondering if I was nuts in interpreting her actions. And yes, I know nothing can happen while she’s with her boyfriend. But one can dream….July 30, 2022 at 9:07 pm #935384
I agree with M. She’s young so people of course need to learn better relationship skills through experience, but it’s not very mature or reflective of good boundaries to handle unhappiness in a relationship by flirting heavily with a coworker. Even if she did become available, it gives me pause. What if she were dating you and acted this same way with another guy? And would things still seem easy if you were both available, or would she wall off because it’s no longer a safe fantasy? I don’t think you’re nuts for reading into things, but I’m also glad you’re being realistic and will continue to date others. It could all line up with her one day and she may be more mature about relationships by then, but don’t cut off your own emotionally availability for new people over being hung up on her.
Also, from personal experience, I absolutely do not recommend dating a coworker you will frequently see at work unless they are extremely emotionally mature!!!July 30, 2022 at 9:49 pm #935385
@Maddie — thank you! I will add that I consider her to be quite mature actually, which is hard to portray over this medium and in this context. The way she interacts with me is a bit more mature and subtle in the actual environment than I’m able to articulate with words, though what I described is what happened. That being said I totally get what you’re saying.
And yeah, I’m not not dating and holding out all hope. I’m kind of taking the path that, I really like this woman, and think she’s amazing, and I think she likes me too, so I’m just being me around her and enjoying spending time with her, and keeping in touch. That way if she does become single then maybe there’s an opportunity there.
I guess from a good perspective, if somehow we did end up together, we’d be working in different groups and on different floors, so our day to day work actually wouldn’t cause us to interact at all. But I agree it’s not ideal, and I wouldn’t seek it out for anyone else besides this particular personJuly 31, 2022 at 3:29 am #935389
Everything was looking up until you found out she has a boyfriend. Regardless if their relationship is a happy one or not, do not interfere. And all this flirting with you while she has someone does not look good on her as she will have the same tendencies if she were in a relationship with you. If her relationship is not working, she should end it first, take a break, and then date you if that’s where she wants it to go.
See, you have to be careful here. Someone may be unhappy in their relationship goes and cheat with someone by using them for a bit and then wants to work things out with their current partner and you’ll be left used. Or everything might be well with their partner but they’re just cheaters and in then end you still get used. Or she may just be enjoying your attention but not necessarily want things to further. I think you need to be frank with her by now and ask her for sure what her current relationship status is and if you have been misreading the signs. This cat and mouse play might be fun now but it usually ends with someone hurt.July 31, 2022 at 8:46 am #935390
I’m not going to interfere. How she proceeds is totally her decision, and I realize it likely won’t go my way. Anyway, even if she did break up with him I don’t expect her to do it just because of me and come running into my arms.
I think she clearly has some type of feelings for me, and I do her. I’m just trying to enjoy that and the fact that we like being around each other. The ball is in her court and whatever she decides is how it’ll be!
I genuinely don’t see her as the type to cheat. How I’ve kinda felt about it (granted may be wishful thinking) is that maybe she’s become attracted to me and the person I am, and that’s causing her to think about whether her current relationship is the right one. Based on how she’s framed him and their dynamic (they started dating while she was in college and he was out of college for 3 years, and now she’s in grad school and an “adult”) I think this might be the case. But only she knows.
Again, I’m not avoiding other opportunities with women waiting for her but do really like this person. It’s not ideal I realize!July 31, 2022 at 10:36 am #935391
ObviouslyWise90 (hope you don’t mind me calling you that, as I think you’re getting more and more savvy now),
(Or maybe I should just call you OB1 as you’re graduating now… 😉☺️😊)
Reading your replies is great. You’re smart and you get it. I love this.
And also know this, people never see themselves as cheaters, and generally aren’t cheaters…
…. right up until what once seemed very innocuous and simple and innocent, somehow little by little…. develops in the tiniest of ways…
…eventually the boundaries getting blurred and confused whilst you’re distracted with the highs of what you’re temporarily and intensely feeling…,
…: and before you know it you’re in this whole other twilight dimension, where you’re doing things and being the kind of person that you never ever dreamt you would do or be.
I one million percent agree with the ladies above, what she’s showing you is how she handles conflicts and difficulties in relationships, and the kind of girlfriend you can expect her to be.
She’s young and may change and mature, but I wouldn’t necessarily put money on it, and I’d never gamble my heart on it.
If you were to date her and start going out, at some point you’ll experience conflict in the relationship (because that’s the nature of relationships, they’re inherently unstable and require a lot of work to bring stability and safety into them). In those times when she’s feeling upset/mad/angry/frustrated or whatever with you, how is she going to manage it?
Is she going to turn inward to herself and towards the relationship so she can figure it out, and you both can make it better and grow closer?
Or is she going to notice the cute guy in the office who smiles at her shyly or even boldly sometimes, and distract herself with getting little highs and feeling good with someone else to compensate for what she’s not feeling with you.
I’m not saying don’t enjoy or appreciate the good qualities she has. Definitely see that part of her and enjoy that. But also see ALL of her. How she handles herself when the going gets rough, and how respectful she is to people when she’s not getting on with them or getting what she wants from them.
People are a mixed bag and none of us are perfect. But you want to really understand someone’s weaknesses as well as their strengths, because in a relationship you’ll be getting all of that. If their weaknesses aren’t deal breakers, you’re good to go. But if they suggest troubling character deficits, treat carefully my friend. How people treat other people, is how they’ll treat you one day. Choose wisely even whilst you’re having fun.
The most important decision you’ll ever make financially and professionally, is who you choose to be in an intimate relationship with. People don’t always connect the dots, but it’s true. The person you’re with will either take the energy you invest in them and use up more than you have to give, only to throw it away elsewhere; or they’ll invest it back into you and help you soar and win in this life.
Her boyfriend may be a douchbag, or maybe they’ve just grown up and apart in life. It doesn’t even really matter in some ways. The more important thing is, who is she? How does she show up in relationships? Is she trustworthy? Can a boyfriend trust her with his heart?
People say, don’t judge others. But I say, judge them so you know what you’re dealing with. Doesn’t mean you can’t still be kind and respectful and love the amazing parts of their personality and character. But by God, know what you’re dealing with the good and the bad, without minimising it or dismissing it, otherwise it will cost you heavily.
But anyway! I know you know all this already!
What I really wanted to focus on was that great sentence where you said you work with plenty of beautiful women. This really made me smile! 😊 it sounds so great! And reminds me of my first jobs. Some seriously happy fun days with some incredible people each so unique in their own special ways.
That being said, you still haven’t taken up my challenge and given me even two smart or sweet or stylish or sexy women that you know (outside of work!), let alone 6.
Got to say OB1, you’re disappointing me. Thought you had it in you to come up with better goods than that….
Do you even NOTICE the women in your outside life? Surely it can’t be that dry? And all these other girls you know – seriously? Not even two or three of them bring up sweet memories for you worth mentioning…… 🤨🧐🙄🙄🙄July 31, 2022 at 2:24 pm #935394
Also just wanted to answer your question:
“ But from the first night I met this girl I just had a feeling about her, that night I was like, “who is this incredible person I just met??” Sometimes you just have this feeling, ya know? Silly but literally if I had to make up a woman it would be her.”
Yeah, I know the feeling.
Stupid damned feeling has cost me – more than once – literally a fortune in heartbreak, hurt, pain, misery, lost time that I can never ever get back, focus, opportunity, career progression, financially and relationship damage to people who really do care about me.
I never trust that feeling anymore.August 1, 2022 at 6:33 am #935410
I will just stick to what u asked in your title. No shes not into you as she has a bf!! If shes into you, she will break off with her bf. Till that happens your wasting your time.
From your posts, its obvious your totally enamored by her. And your ready to settle for whtever little you get from her as a friend. Why settle for so little? You deserve so much more With the way you feel, i doubt you wld be emotionally available to date other women if you keep meeting this girl so regularly. Frankly you cant seem to see beynd her. The way you hv posted so many little things shows your way tooo deep with her.
Do yourself a favor and lessen your interactions with her. You need some distance to see things clearly. And in case she asks why you shld let her know. Who knows that may give her reason to break off with her bf and give things with you a chance. But till that happens you need to keep a healthy distance and not settle for crumbs.August 1, 2022 at 8:23 am #935411
I’m totally willing to admit I’m overly enamored by her, that’s fair. I’d disagree that I’ve been settling for crumbs and that I’m settling for so little from her as a friend. The time I’ve gotten to interact with her up to this point has been great, and we’ve become friends. I don’t think that’s nothing.
The way our school programs, etc are structured there’s going to be a natural distancing very soon anyway, since we will be finishing school in different cities. We talked about getting coffee once before we both depart but otherwise that will be the last time I see her for some time, and I agree that time will be good for both of us