Not sure what to do

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  • #944145 Reply

    Does it make sense to have or suggest a video call with a guy that Ive only texted and talked to on the phone? We starting talking on an app, he lives several states away and we only matched because he was in my area on a work trip. But we keep talking and I enjoy him so much. I don’t know if the video call would be a smart idea. I’m already getting attached to him and want more. That’s if he would even agree to it. We are mutually attracted to each other and can talk for hours on the phone and never run out of things but deep down I guess we both are holding back because we know it will probably never go anywhere.

    #944147 Reply

    Having a pen pal is nice, but if you want a real boyfriend step away from Mr. Wasting my time who lives MILES away & find a guy closer…

    #944149 Reply

    If you intend to continue talking to him, I think you should do the video chat to make sure you’re not being catfished. Also, good texting and phone conversations don’t always translate in person / over video, so you may find out you don’t have chemistry after all.

    That being said, what’s he looking for in general? A serious relationship or casual? What are you looking for? Are either of you ever willing to move, for real not just a fantasy, if your connection ends up being the real thing? If neither one of you is looking for a serious relationship and there’s no possibility that you’d move, then I agree with Raven.

    I did meet my husband similarly to how you’re matching with this guy, but the first thing he told me was he was planning to move back to my area *no matter what,* which he eventually did. He wasn’t moving for me and barely knew me yet, which made it better, no pressure on us to force a relationship. Any other long distance conversations I’d had prior to that were always a waste of time.

    #944150 Reply

    That’s the thing, I honestly don’t know. His job requires him to travel 3 weeks out of a month, he’s usually home on the weekend and one full week. I’m at a crossroad in my life where I would love to move but realistically I don’t know if I’d be able to. We both want long term relationships but we have said keep it to a friendship but the attraction is still. The flirty comments and what not always sneak back in. He tries to keep it platonic but will say things about all the things we should do together and how could we would be together so he confuses. I guess we both want more but don’t know how that would happen. And I don’t want to get in deeper with him.
    I actually just got back from a coffee date with an another guy and felt absolutely zero attraction and the conversation was just painful. And I don’t want to compare him to my long distance friend, but it was night and day. I’m torn. I want more but my head knows all the things you said above. I want to push for the video call to even see if there is anything there, but I’m scared to lose his friendship. I’ve never had conversations with a guy like this before. Just completely honest and vulnerable. We can tell each other anything. It’s like what are the chances we would match the one weekend he was in my town and find what feels like a long lost friend?

    #944151 Reply

    When I say I don’t want to get in deeper, I mmean I’m scared I’m getting overly invested or more invested than he is. I do want more with him but feel it will only be heartbreak. And that he’s better at drawing the line of friendship/romance than I am…able to detach more.

    #944152 Reply

    Based on that information, I would let this go then.

    Someone only home one full week a month is not currently available to build a serious relationship with someone new, no matter what they say they want. Especially since he’s long distance with you to begin with. There’s no room for anything real when work takes priority right now, but he’s probably lonely which is why he’s keen on lots of phone conversations and fantasy future ideas that don’t require any real commitment. And why he’s saying you’re just friends, despite you hoping the flirting means it’s more. Men don’t fall in love over text, though.

    It’s easy to get carried away with an idea like this when you’re not sure what you want or what’s next for you in life. If you attach more meaning to how you met than necessary, then it can give you a false sense of direction, like something is being chosen for you by fate so that you don’t actually need to sort through what you want and decide for yourself. I think your attachment to him is more about that, since it’s less scary and more fun to be distracted by a connection with a new guy than it is to have to make big decisions for yourself. I wouldn’t compare him to one bad date, that means nothing… you’ll click with some and not others.

    Listen to your gut feeling that this leads to heartbreak, and figure out what you want in next in life and whether or not you’re truly emotionally available right now yourself.

    #944153 Reply

    I agree with the second post of maddie. too many things stacked against a relationship with this guy at this point atleast. U can keep in touch as casual friends but not from the point of view of a possible relationship. u can have that video call just to make sure you’re not being cat fished even if you don’t intend to get involved with him.

    so cut down on regular long talks and keep it occasional and casual. if you get so invested in him, you will find all the future dates boring and listless as your attracted to him.

    #944155 Reply

    I guess this is the answer I didn’t want but know makes sense. It is easier to live in this fantasy than to really have to face this is probably a dead end. I guess I don’t know how I’m going to pull back. I definitely don’t want to lose him entirely. I’m an anxious attached to start with so the whole situation has been making me super anxious. I don’t want to close the door with him but I also want to keep my options open to other guys. I would want to keep dating even if he was in my town. I’m single until exclusive with someone and that’s always been hard for me to juggle. How do you stop yourself from getting wrapped up in situations like this and just enjoy it for what it Is, without attaching any outcome to it but still hoping for one and wanting to build that connection?

    #944156 Reply

    “How do you stop yourself from getting wrapped up in situations like this and just enjoy it for what it Is, without attaching any outcome to it but still hoping for one and wanting to build that connection?”

    Micaela. This is simply impossible to pull off. You are torturing yourself. You say you are anxious attached and yet you’ve chosen a situation that is guaranteed to create the maximum amount of anxiety.

    This isn’t what you want to hear but you need to cut this guy off cold. This situation is NEVER. GOING. ANYWHERE. You’ve picked someone who is unavailable (far away, works all the time)…. because YOU are unavailable. Staying in touch with him is bad for you. You will not be fully available to other men with the fantasy of him active in your head.

    You send him a message: “It’s been great getting to know you. I’ve realized though that a long distance relationship of any kind isn’t going to work for me so it’s best for us to stop contacting each other. I trust you can understand. Thanks for everything, I wish all the best for you in your life.” And then you block him and don’t look back.

    And then you get into therapy and work on your issues so you can be available to meet someone who is also available.

    #944157 Reply

    “How do you stop yourself from getting wrapped up in situations like this and just enjoy it for what it Is, without attaching any outcome to it but still hoping for one and wanting to build that connection?”

    AngieBaby is right. And the specific reason this is impossible is because you’re looking for one thing but trying to accept something that isn’t what you want (and this mismatch signals you have some unavailability issues yourself).

    When you truly want a long-term relationship, the trick isn’t to enjoy something in the moment and not attach outcomes. That’s not actually being present and available, it’s doing mental gymnastics to explain away not walking away from someone who doesn’t want a fully committed relationship. (Therapy helps because you likely learned to do this from some adults around you when you were a kid.)

    The trick is to instead look for someone who is in the same life stage as you and wants the same type of relationship as you do from the start! Timing and availability in life is just as important as feeling a spark. It’s okay to want a relationship, and to say that without playing games. Then as you get to know each other over a couple or a few months, you see if you’re a good fit for each other and like each other enough to pursue that relationship commitment with each other.

    You should never need to convince someone to want to be in a relationship while “not attaching outcomes.” You instead know through both their words and actions that they’re open to building one with the right person and then work on building trust and a connection while gauging compatibility. If you’re trying to make yourself the “right” person by bending yourself into a pretzel and doing gymnastics, and hoping and wishing, you’re actually just not compatible and that guy can’t meet your needs. And your needs are important! But you need to figure out what your needs are in the first place to be truly open to finding and only accepting what you’re looking for, and nothing less. A good therapist helps you get comfortable with that, too.

    #944159 Reply

    If you dont think u can pull back and just be an occasional frnd, well thn there is only one option for you. To break off and move on in life.

    #944168 Reply

    We talked last night and I feel things have shifted. I feel he’s pulling back and I guess in his own way, trying not to hurt me but right now I don’t want to put him on a pedestal. I am hurt. I just need to get this out. I am hurt. I by chance checked his profile this morning and he’s updated it. So while I am sitting here, pining away for him, he’s moving on, doing what I should have been doing instead of getting wrapped up with the thought of him. Hanging on a hope. Just sitting here crying, with a physical pain in my chest. I feel betrayed. And I know that’s all on me because I guess I created this in my head and made it more than I thought it was. But I thought I mattered to him. I guess I was just a pass time while he was killing time in his hotel rooms and airports. I really thought he was different, that I could trust him and believe him and I was a fool all along. I had asked him if he wanted to video chat and his one word answer was “sure” . No like “yeah let’s do it or when can we do it”. So incredibly hurt. I guess I have no right to be hurt, he didn’t promise anything. Mad at myself that I’m so stupid and fell for it. Let myself get caught up once again.

    #944169 Reply

    Ok my first question to you is why are you so upset and beating yourself up over a guy YOU HAVE NEVER MET?

    You don’t know this person at all. Text and phone chats do not make a relationship. You don’t even know if you were attracted to this person. You were attracted to the fantasy of them. In person, he might pick his nose when he eats spaghetti with a spork and that might be a major turn off for you. You don’t know him.

    You were not betrayed. What are your reasons for crying over someone you don’t know? Are you sad about the fantasy ending? One of the biggest lessons in dating is learning how to have no “f’s” to give until it is crystal clear that an “f” should be given.

    #944170 Reply

    I’m sorry @Micaela that you are hurting & glad that you’ve seen what you need to see & can put it into words.

    Don’t fall for a screen with words on it… Look for a real guy.

    I think one of the responders above talked about (your) emotional unavailability… Please check that out.

    #944171 Reply

    Micaela, I’m sorry to hear you’re in pain. You and only you can make it stop in an instant because this is 100% your creation.

    What black hole inside you did you decide this guy could fill? The reasons you’re crying really have nothing to do with him, it’s all about your wounds and unmet needs from an earlier time in your life. You’re talking like this is a longstanding pattern with you. The stories you’re making up about him and what any of his actions mean are not healthy. You’re not going to be able to work your way out of this trauma on your own. You don’t seem to be hearing any of the advice given here, much less take it. Please get off the dating sites and seek out a counselor who can help you heal so you have better relationship experiences.

    #944172 Reply

    You feel betrayed because you are repeatedly betraying yourself. You are abandoning yourself every time you latch on to a total stranger and think you’re going to find love, acceptance and approval from a man when you’re the one who needs to love, accept and approve of yourself.

    #944173 Reply

    You are all right. I hear you and see you. I suppose today is the day reality hit and the fantasy isn’t coming true. I need to manage my expectations better and not fall to pieces over this. Like you have said, if it was something real… I guess when things started, he came on strong and I get swept up in all of it. But the way he can blow hot and cold should be a big enough turn off that I step aside and be grateful.

    #944174 Reply

    Great advice, Raven!

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