This topic contains 4 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Newbie 2 months ago.
November 22, 2020 at 6:48 pm #826585
At first I’d like to say how helpful this forum has been in understanding the male mechanics for me in the past by reading different stories.
I’m really curious what do you think in my case.
I met this guy more than 6 months ago at work. I was paired with him for a project – he was providing expert knowledge for me on a topic and guiding throughout. For the duration of the project we had daily contact purely on work related grounds. I sensed he liked me, I wasnt interested at all and didn even quite enjoy him at first. I however asked him to do small favours for me, so we met a couple of times outside of work. We then started coming to the office on the same days occassionally, going out for lunch, talking a lot, having fun. He was quite clear at this point he liked me. Yet nothing physical happened. Since 3 weeks, we have been officially a couple, which he seems eager to announce to friends and colleagues. We basically just kissed yet + a bit more, but no any form of sex. This weekend we met and he said he has been talking on fb to a female friend (I met her, she has a fiance whom she lives with, but goes out without him often),whom he earlier told we have been together. She invited him to come visit her in a city on the suburbs (so that he’d have to travel by train) to come walk and play with her and her fiance’s newly gotten puppy once the epidemic ends and said that she hopes that I allow him to go out for a pizza with her sometime (they did a pizza sometime ago before we got together). Overall she seems nice.
It doesn’t feel emotionally right for me that he would travel especially to meet with a friend and go for a walk with her dog. While I dont care about her, I feel a bit offended that he even tried to ‘anchor’the idea. We then walked, talked what to do when the epodemic ends and I said that Id like to go to a museum. He said we could go to that certain museum, I said I dont want to go to this particular one and he said, I’ll go with ‘this girls name’then. I think I must’ve given him some type of look as he only asked back ‘No?’
Overall he seems into me.
What do you think ladies? Do you think I am overreacting or is it a red flag, which will only come out when the honeymoon period is over? Should I talk to him? Do you think it’s better to be prepared to cut this off now before getting emotionally attached?
BkbNovember 22, 2020 at 9:46 pm #826608
T from NY
Here is the thing. You’re going to get mixed answers to this question. Some women are going to tell you to stop being so insecure because men can have female friends no problem. I will validate your concern – but only that. And I’ll do that because I have a strong preference to date men that don’t have a lot of female friends – only because I’ve been there, done that, with a guy I really liked and every time I turned around there was another female friendship and half of them flirted with him and yada yada. Wasn’t for me.
BUT I have also dated men who’ve had a couple of girlfriends they hung out with and it was completely fine. The bar for me is – I’m totally fine with my man hanging out with anyone who SUPPORTS the relationship. Any woman who doesn’t, who overtly flirts, texts late at night on the regular, sends kiss emojis etc, or just in general tries to undermine the relationship- if the guy I’m dating doesn’t nip that in the bud – HE is the problem, not the girl.
It doesn’t sound like your guy has done anything that should make you anxious. He introduced you already, he’s being up front about hanging out with her etc. Also – going by what you wrote – you sound like a diva. He told you a museum he’d like to go to and you shot it down? I only bring that up because if you continue to only do things you want to do he’s going to have more and more reason to hang out with his friend. End of the day it’s about what you’re comfortable with and he shouldn’t be made to feel bad if he isn’t doing anything wrong.November 24, 2020 at 1:17 pm #826920
Thanks T from NY for your insights, it’s good to get some outsider perspective.
Your approach to female friends sounds reasonable, I think I’ll try to adopt it to some extent – after all I think I would not want him to not have these friendships at all.
I think it wasn’t quite right for him to basically say ‘if you don’t want to go, I’ll go with her’, but I think I played it well at that moment. I’ll probably let it go for now – no need to pick this battle probably as it’s been hypothetical, but if it’s close to materialising and he’ll want to make the effort of travelling all the way to her city to meet her and walk her dog together, I’ll bring it up I am not comfortable with it.
I know I can get too anxious and exaggerate sometimes, so it’s really helpful to know what others think and that he hasn’t done anything that could give me the reason for it really.
Well, maybe that was just the effect of me trying to cut the explanation short here, the whole conversation was that he said that I’ve been to all of the museums already, I said I could go to A the second time, he said he’d really like to go to B as well and then I said I didn’t like museum B and wouldn’t like to go there again. Anyways, thanks for pointing this out, I can try and pay attention if I am or come across as a bit too self-centred.November 24, 2020 at 1:58 pm #826927
I agree with T. Me personally I would be bothered with his comment “I will ask ___ to go”…simply because it comes across as trying to make you jealous or replaced. I believe that as women we should be respectful to someone who is in a relationship. How would this woman feel if she was in your shoes? If she sees your boyfriend as a great friend why not include you as well?
I have 2 male friends I will always have in my life however, we do not hang out alone (if we are all in relationships). They are both married and I have become friends with one of their wives (the other is long distance so I haven’t met his wife). I do however include the one in any plans and would not want her to feel like she is out casted, same way I would want my BF to do to me. I would also add that telling your BF of certain things that make you uncomfortable is normal. I have in the past expressed my feelings on certain situations and my BF at that time understood especially when I would say put yourself in my situation.November 24, 2020 at 3:04 pm #826932
Im friends with men. I feel to keep men of short leashes when it comes to well established friendships is an insult to men in general as they cant keep it in their pants just being with a woman and an insult to your own relationship. So there is that. But there are shady circumstances sometimes. I feel you are his dummy girlfriend while he really wants her. Because you two dont date, dont have much sexual chemistry and yet you call yourself a couple. Dont you think that is odd? And as soon as you say yes he trains to the suburb to play with her puppies. And im sure he does like you but he fancies her. And there is still the question if you really fancy him? Because you didnt like him, you were not interested. But a few office lunches chanced your perspective? Maybe you come from a not western culture so im judging ot too much from a western eye. But to me you have a weird relationship and he is about to make it weirder. I would rethink the whole relationship really