Never the right one for anyone

I feel like I keep meeting guys and they end up just not being the right one for me and its seeming impossible. I’ve had some “meh” first dates, its obvious, and we never go out again. And then I have fantastic first dates. We will talk for hours, they want to see me again right away. I’ve had guys enamored by me. And they tell me they have been looking for someone like me for a long time. I’m smart, mature, and classy. I feel a connection, They often want to move faster than me, wanting to pin me down. I’m the one who sets it to go slower.

We continue to go out. They ask me to be serious and eventually I say yes and we end up in a relationship. But it never lasts. Every single time it goes the same. We are in the relationship and they seem distant at times, quiet, almost bored. I always think its me. But they continue seeing me seriously, so I just don’t know. I feel like I have to step it up to make things more interesting to keep them around and engaged with me. I try talking more and more. I try being exciting and spontaneous. I try to be the perfect girlfriend. Cooking for them, listening to them, and being flexible.

They tell me I’m perfect, they tell me they love me after so long, but I don’t feel the spark or passion like I feel that there should be. Its almost like they are half there when they are with me. At about 6 months or longer, things fizzle. I don’t feel like a priority and often times they then make excuses almost to end things. They don’t even really end things, they simply make excuses like its “them” and they are so busy, so sick, wanting to move away. I’ve heard it all and its all lies. I often then see them with a new woman after a month or two. They feel bad hurting me. How do you go from loving someone to trying to slyly break up with them?

I’m 30 years old. I see my friends and family and they have girlfriends and boyfriends, they are so happy, loyal, and they mesh so well. They compliment each other. I feel like I truly cannot find someone who meshes with me, my personality, and lifestyle.. Someone I can bounce off of and can be funny and really myself. Someone who cares to know that person. I am mature. I am saving for a home. I have a nice car, job, and friend group. I know what I want my future to be. A friend told me once that maybe guys are intimidated by me. I really don’t want that to be true. I’m a humble person.

I feel like I blame it on myself. Maybe I am boring? Maybe I like weird things? Maybe I’m not in shape enough? Maybe there’s just something about me they realize they don’t like?

I am a bit scarred from all these experiences ending the same way. I almost expect it now. I don’t know what keeps going wrong. This has been easily the last eight times or more, spanning years since my college days. It just never works. It is always almost the same thing every time. I blame myself. Why can’t I find the right person that sticks?