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This topic contains 17 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Tammy 5 days, 9 hours ago.

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  • #934102 Reply

    Sam

    I have been seeing this guy for about 2 months now. He is 22 and I am 25. I have mentioned him before in 2 of my other posts. We met on a dating app. For a while everything seemed fine, I was starting to like him. For the past few dates, I don’t feel much the same. He always picks me up late on our dates and with each date, the time he arrived late would increase. I felt like something was different. For the first date, he paid for pretty much everything except the arcade b/c I had cash on me. On the 2nd and 3rd date he would ask if we can split the cost of dinner. On the 4th date, he wanted to split the bill but we shared 1 food item and the bill was around $12. He would suggest budget-type dates like going to his place and watching tv or having dinner there. He suggested this on our 4th date and I said no to watching tv at his place. We do not see each other often, around once a week.

    For our 5th date, we went to see a musical that we were a few minutes late to b/c he picked me up late. He told me after the musical to get a Venmo so I could pay him back. I was a bit surprised that he would ask me this. I get theatre tickets can be expensive but he said it was something else. I ended up paying him cash. Before our 5th date, he had canceled on me once b/c he had to do a take-home test for a job interview. Even for our 6th date, he had me pay him half for the pedal boat ride and he had picked me up probably around 15-20 min late. He does always text me that he will be late. 2 weeks ago we made plans to go to a street fair and which I told him a bit later in the day b/c it was fairly warm outside but I was also at car dealerships to look at cars. He had asked this about 2 days prior. Earlier in the week, I had invited him over for a bbq for Memorial Day and he wanted to go hiking on Memorial Day. He later canceled when I left the dealership saying he was having stomach issues and was not sure he would make the bbq. I ended up getting a text message around an hour before the bbq started that he was not going to come b/c he was still recovering. 2 hours after it ended he messages me back saying he is feeling better, how was the bbq and said we can still do a hike the next day.
    I am not good with hiking on rocky paths so we ended up going to a botanical garden instead. He picked me up 30 minutes later than he said he was going to. He had said he would pick me up by 11 am, by 11:05 he texted me he was going to be late to get gas. When I asked him if he was feeling better, he said yeah, that he kept burping a lot. My dad thought this was an excuse. When we got to the botanical garden, I mentioned it was a bit warmer than what it said it was supposed to be. During the walk, he complained it was hot. The botanical garden was his idea that ended up changing from hiking the night prior. When we left, he said it was nothing special and would not go again. I actually liked looking at the plants and flowers. What bugged me from this date was that he was walking a bit ahead of me, didn’t hold my hand at all, and had his phone out sometimes to look up stuff. When he dropped me off at home he told me to Venmo the money for the tickets.

    He has held my hand a few times in the past. I am not sure how interested he is considering, he has not really called me by my name, instead of saying “going out” he now says “hang out”. He really doesn’t text me much. If he asks to hang out, he only gives a day to a few days’ notice. Friday he had asked to hang out during the weekend, which I declined b/c I was visiting family yesterday and today I was doing an event. He asked if he can come to the event. I said sure, it was a public event. I let him know where it was located and what time it started. He never showed up and never texted that he was not going. I ended up getting a text a little over an hour ago at 9:10 pm that he was sorry that he could not make the event today and how was it. This has been about the 4th time he canceled or bailed. Though this time no notice.

    He takes a long time to respond. During the week, I can understand b/c he works during the day and I tend to work at night. But sometimes he doesn’t respond until the next day.

    I feel like I am more of a friend than a person he is dating considering I have to pay him back and he only had held my hand on a few dates. He was a bit of a shy guy since he did not hold my hand until our 4th date. I sometimes think he is talking to other girls b/c he has canceled a few times. We both still have our profiles on the dating app. We are dating, not in an exclusive relationship. I haven’t dated anyone else during this time frame. I have been thinking of stop seeing him and maybe staying friends and date other types of guys.

    #934111 Reply

    Ewa

    if you read this forum you will learn that 2-3 months is where the guy should be showing his best behaviour and your guy doesn’t! He is constantly late , to me that would be a major turn off, he asks you to pay ( fair enough he might not have money) , he keeps changing his mind.
    Why are you attracted to this kind of behaviour ? you are only 22, when I was your age, this guy would not see me again after being late on 3rd date…
    he is not investing you romantically , even as a friend, why would you want someone like him around ?
    You deserve more.

    #934114 Reply

    Amy S

    Ugh cringe. He is so cheap. Do you really
    Want this ?? He will
    Only get worse. Think of the future. You’re buying furniture for your new home or having a baby. Mr Cheap as chips will be so irritating and drive you nuts. No thanks.

    #934118 Reply

    Raven

    There has got to be a better guy out there for you to see!

    He’s late. He’s cheep. He stands you up.

    #934119 Reply

    Gaia

    Why would you even want this guy to be interested in you?

    The chronically late thing might just be part of his make-up. I know people who try to be on time but for some reason just can’t. The best way to deal with that is to tell them whatever ‘event’ starts an hour earlier than it does. But that’s just how I deal with it. I wouldn’t be able to have a partner like that as I’m always early.

    As for the rest… he sounds cheap and not even trying a little bit to impress you. The audacity to ask you for cash via venmo after a DATE?! No, thank you! My male friends rarely let me pay when out so the guy I’m seeing definitely should be able to show me that he can provide. Men like to provide for their woman. It’s in their genetic makeup. The one you described sounds like a boy that has put you in the hang out/friend zone and he’s a bit of a jerk about it.

    #934124 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    You should definitely date other guys. As the others here have said, this guy is not trying to impress you. Guys are on their best behavior in the early stages of dating and this guy is clearly not making an effort. In 2 months he’s cancelled or bailed on you 4 times, 1 of those with no notice. He splits the bill on dates. He’s unresponsive when you text (doesn’t reply until the next day?). He walked ahead of you and complained on your last date at the botanical garden.

    You suspect he’s talking to and dating other girls, which is fine, as you should be dating other guys– but after 2 months of dating this guy has not stepped up at all. If this situation where going anywhere you would notice an escalation in his behavior, in a good way- he’d be more attentive, he’d be contacting you more and taking you out and trying to impress you (and yes, paying for dates– a guy who wants to impress a woman will pay for a date). None of that is happening. You should follow your gut and date other guys.

    #934126 Reply

    Sam

    Thank you for the responses. After the last date at the botanical garden, I was a bit mad. Since then I was back on the dating app. My mom had also suggested this since she was seeing I was not impressed by this. I haven’t responded to his text since it was late and I was a bit mad. If he was interested he would have talked about being exclusive. I plan on talking to him in person and ending things. I need to figure out how to say it. Any clue. I can’t just not respond to texts b/c sometimes will text back.

    @Ewa ~ Thank you for the advice. I actually did not know this as I am pretty new to dating. If he asks to split it is one thing but to expect is another. I am only a few years older than him. I get a few minutes late and some notice of it but not half an hour. He works from home at the moment b/c of the pandemic. I work part-time at a store.

    @ Gaia ~ He plans the date and gives a time and he is still late. For me, I hate being late for things. I don’t even think I want this guy around. I want someone who makes me happy and laughs and can be a bit romantic.

    @Liz Lemon ~ Thank you. During the day I can get if he doesn’t respond b/c of work but in the evening to not get a response or sometime the next day. I work in the evening so I can’t respond and if I do, it is during my break time or when I get off work. I think he is talking to other girls just b/c he starts saying do you want to hang out. I have read some articles that if they say or text that it is casual and most likely talking to other girls. I already started talking to other guys as well.

    #934128 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    If he’s working from home, he could text you back during the day- I’m sorry but it’s true. My work schedule is hybrid (I’m sometimes at home, sometimes in the office)– you can do plenty of texting while working from home. I’m not saying he should text you constantly because of course he’s working, but he could reply to your texts during the day if he truly wanted to.

    My bf and I have always texted each other during the day while at work, even before the pandemic (before things were remote/hybrid), even when we were busy. Everyone has a different texting style and I’m not saying the guy has to text you constantly from work– but if he were trying to win you over, he would. Even just to say hello and ask how your day is going, or to reply to whatever you sent him previously, etc.

    And he has no reason to not reply to your texts in the evening…or better yet, to call you and talk on the phone. So I think it’s pretty clear that he’s not that interested in trying to win you over, which is what he should be doing at this stage.

    You mention that you hate being late for things and this guy is constantly late. So that right there is a dealbreaker. It will drive you up the wall to date someone like that if you hate being late.

    As for what to say to him, just tell him it’s been nice getting to know him but you don’t feel a romantic spark and that you’re going to date other people. You can be direct but polite, you don’t have to make up an excuse. This is what dating is for- to find someone we’re compatible with. You and this guy are not compatible so it’s time to move on.

    #934132 Reply

    Sam

    @Liz Lemon ~ Thank you, this is very helpful!

    #934503 Reply

    M

    Hey guys, so just checking, do you expect the guy to always pay on dates? Even after the first one…?

    I was just thinking he might be struggling financially…

    (Though he definitely doesn’t seem as into her as he could be.)

    #934504 Reply

    M

    I have financial pressures currently compared to some of my wealthier friends. The ones that don’t understand this, well, I just can’t spend as much time with them because I can’t afford to do all the expensive stuff they want to do at the moment. If they make it hard for me, I have to hold back somehow.

    My position is temporary and I find it very embarrassing but other people don’t know that of course. He’s young and looks like he’s getting on his feet still so this may just be a temporary phase for him too.

    Also the late thing is rude and disrespectful. Even knowing this, I’m late sometimes (read: almost all the time) when it comes to hanging out with certain friends. I hate it about myself and I am very apologetic about it because I know of sucks (and I hate it when it’s done to me).

    I also find my lateness is sometimes (not always) a reflection of how respected I feel in the relationship. Like a big part of me wants to see them, but there this other niggling little part that is annoyed and frustrated and hurt that they haven’t treated me as kindly as I want them to, so subconsciously I end up acting out.

    I know this sounds childish, but I just noticed that lateness is also a reflection of the health of the bond. (I really need to work on this!!!)

    Could it be the case that in his side of the world, he’s also asking his friends if Sam is really into him because although he likes her and wants to see her, he’s struggling with the disconnect and expectations too?

    I could be completely off, but just wondering that’s all…

    #934507 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I wouldn’t make excuses for the guy. Being late is rude, period. Everyone knows that. If he has a problem being on time for things (I know some people do), he should make an extra effort. I have a friend who has a very poor sense of time and she would always (I mean always) be late for things. She began setting an alarm on her phone to remind her when she needed to start getting ready, or leave the house, etc. A guy should do what he has to do to manage to be on time for a date. Anyway, the OP said that dating someone who’s always late will drive her crazy– so that’s a deal breaker right there, whatever his reasons for being late are.

    As for the money thing, generally I think it gives the woman a very positive impression when a guy picks up the tab, at least at the beginning of dating. It shows that he is trying to impress her. To each their own of course. In the case the guy doesn’t have a lot of money, he should choose dates that aren’t expensive. In other words, not theater tickets. And splitting a $12 tab is ridiculous, that’s just stingy.

    I think the money thing wouldn’t be such a big deal if it weren’t for his behavior. His behavior is really the deal breaker. Canceling on her multiple times (including without notice), acting cranky and disinterested at the botanical garden, on top of always being late– people are on their best behavior when they first start dating someone. If that’s the best he can do now, imagine how he’ll act a few months from now.

    #934508 Reply

    M

    Yes Liz Lemon, being late is a poor show generally anyway (I need to work on myself!) and yes you’re right she did say it was intolerable for her.

    Yes, splitting a $12 bill is embarrassing. (I’ve never gone quite that far. Most people don’t know I have financial pressures but I’m older and have a lot of pride.)

    I was just surprised about the expectation for the guy to pay on more the first date that’s all. Thank you for replying and sharing your thoughts. 💛😊

    #934509 Reply

    M

    *more than the first date

    (What is happening to my typing! My writing seems to be riddled with typos 😱)

    #934547 Reply

    Sam

    I have been questioning his interest in me. At first, he seemed interested. He used to text me about how was my day or my week. For the past few weeks, he has not. I usually get a text during the middle of the week asking if I am free to hang out sometime over the weekend. He only gives 2-3 days in advance on that. I tend to work weekends sometimes or visit family. Sometimes I have been late to meet some friends but never by much. I do let them know if I am going to be late and when I am on my way to where they are at and when I have arrived (this usually goes when I am trying to get an uber).

    @M I work part-time at a store right now and he knows I am part-time. He works an office job though he works from home. He does not ask to split the bill. He will pay and when he drops me off at home he tells if I can Venmo him my half of the bill.

    #934549 Reply

    Banned person

    [deleted]

    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by  ANM Staff.
    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by  ANM Staff. Reason: This was a banned person so subsequent responses might have references this post. But banned people don't get to participate here so their content is deleted. :)
    #934551 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Nah, she shouldn’t have to have a conversation with him about his “tardiness”. She’s not his mother.

    If he’s a person who’s consistently late, which he has demonstrated he is, she’s not gonna change that. You can’t change a guy, and shouldn’t try. If it’s not something you can accept, move on. I myself would find it irritating and a turn off.

    About the money, it’s rude to tell her to Venmo him after the fact, if they didn’t discuss splitting the bill beforehand. I agree that financially its tough for everyone now– but she works part time and he works full time, so he’s probably got more spending money than the OP. If he’s gonna buy theater tickets and then expect her to split the cost, he should make that clear beforehand.

    OP, if you feel his interest fading, let him fade out. Date other guys. You don’t have to be available to him on weekends. Dating is about finding someone who’s a good match for you, and from what you’ve written it doesn’t sound like this guy is a good match. You’ve been dating a couple months and at this point things should be escalating and deepening– more calling/texting, spending more time together– and that’s not happening.

    #934618 Reply

    Tammy

    I agree with liz. His interest does seem to be fading.

    Have you ever told him that you dont appreciate him being tardy all the time? He comes across more as a friend than a bf.

    Besides the above, he seems reluctant to spend anythng on you. While i undrstnd that times are tough on many post covid, he seems to be penny pinching and reluctant to spend anythng on you. This behaviour does not come across as that of a loving bf.

    If i was in ur place i wld start dating others.

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