Need advice please


Home Forums Break Up Advice Need advice please

This topic contains 5 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Rhonda 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #785710 Reply

    Sally

    LONG RANT WARNING
    This pain is unbearable.
    I met a guy a few months ago and things went very quickly. He was complimenting me all the time, speaking of the future, kids, marriage. He said he feels i could truly be the one. I felt the same as I had never felt chemistry like I did with him. Right away he told me he doesn’t like labels in relationships and doesn’t agree with the norm. He said he’s bad at dating. The first day we met he told me some deep stuff about him being molested and spoke about his exes and why things didnt work. About a month after meeting we were spending every weekend together. I started leaving clothes and things at his house.
    He said I should move in in a year. He told me all of his relationships went so fast and ended abruptly and he realized he didnt even love his exes and how did they get to that point

    He said he wants to slow down with me because he wants change and wants us to be different. His ex actually would blow up his phone and showed up at his apartment while i was with him. He said it just wasnt working and she wasnt right for him but they continued to have sex..and once he met me he slowly stopped speaking to her i guess and she knew he was seeing someone else..red flag. I had no idea of this until after it happened.

    He was going out of town and said we shouldn’t have sex for a week before he left and until the week he came back (2 weeks) because he wanted to prove to himself that he actually liked me and was not just having feelings because of the sex..when he came back i found condoms in his bag because he left his bag in the bathroom, open, and the condoms caught my eye.. i was upset. We had agreed to be exclusive. He said he wanted to make sure if anything happened that he would be safe. He said he left them in there because he has nothing to hide and didnt do anything. He said when i got toothpaste the previous day from his bag he knew i would see them but i didnt.. so his point was he knew they were in there and wasnt trying to hide anything. Then he said “well i guess i wont hear from u anymore after this.. i want to be with u and i had plans to make it official next month but lets do it now since i dont want to lose u” Few weeks later we made it official.

    I did have a drinking problem and drank too much when we would drink and he hated it. He said i am disgusting when drunk and i would lie about taking another shot which made him not trust me.. he hated how i dressed and kinda tried to make me over because all i would wear is baggy clothes and sweats after losing 80 pounds.. i like to be comfy and would wear sweats and sweatshirts.. he said he would like me to look nice and not like i jus got out of bed. he expressed hes not happy and feels like im not emotionally present and that i hold myself back a lot and not meeting his needs. But then later would say he feels emotionally disconnected and goes thru life in third person and that he is depressed then gets high energy somedays.. He said by me cleaning up, making bed, laundry, ect..being considerate of him is only etiquette and not a form of me showing him love. So i asked what can i do to make u feel loved? He said he shouldn’t have to tell me because then it doesn’t matter. He constantly accused me of still loving my ex and was waiting for me to leave him any moment but he said nothing would ever happen.. i never brought up my ex or gave any indication that i loved him because i dont!
    He also was pressuring me to tell him deep things that i wasnt ready to speak about and that he feels im being fake and hiding who i really am because i didnt want to speak about something from my past and that i’m trying to be a different person and put on a facade. I said i understand where he is coming from as he prides himself in being 100% honest and felt like i wasnt being 100% open and vulnerable with him. I was slowly opening up to him especially being naked, trying new things, and such.. I have been in therapy and really working on myself.. i feel like a new person and i am a different person. I have tried to change my needy ways and not blow him up. He said he feels not needed or loved because i normally wouldnt call him first because he would be working.. i didnt want to bug him… he said maybe how I used to be was better than trying to change..

    Needles to say i figured out i have an anxious attachment style and he has an avoidant one. When he was out of town for work i got anxiety and texted him something petty. He replied to my previous msg “nice” and I said “im too nice” he asked if i was ok and I said no..he kept calling me while i was at work and thought something was wrong with me. After i called he was angry and cussing at me and told me not to call him that night and said “u probably wont anyways because u never call me first” Later he said he wants to break up.. i reacted calmly. Next day he apologized and wanted to start over. I was hesitant as i knew his and my emotions were all over the place.
    He continued to call me and act as normal.. but making jokes saying “hi friend” then asking if i was going on a tinder date to have sex. I said no why would i do that? We just broke up and i would never do that.. i dont want to.. he said he was saying that out of his own insecurities. we slowly stopped the phone calls and texted a few times a day. He texted me “the way you’re acting now is the reason i didnt want to say anything and i tried to start over but u were hesitant and that gave me the answer i needed. How do i know if we get back together that u will decide u dont want to be with me” i said idk what u want me to do im hurt and responding to you. How am I acting different! and when he got back in town he asked to have sex. I said no. Then he started acting cold towards me.

    He sent a long text saying how he has issues from his childhood and he has no room in his heart for forgiveness and he thought i could be the one to change his mind but i wasnt. He has been leaving bread crumbs here and there as after i picked up my stuff from his house we spoke about what happened and wished each other well. I didnt beg or plead.. but next day i said i was sorry and wanted to kno how he feels and he said hes not going to act like we are still together bc i made him realize that’s not the right thing to do… and hes at war trying to decide what the right thing to do is.. hes texted me good morning and random things here and there. Lately my separation anxiety has been thru the roof so I sent a long dramatic text saying what i did wrong then called him… no answer ..this hurts so bad as i ignored the red flags.. he even planned a big trip and said hopefully we make it to that point because none of his exes ever did make it that far to go on the trip… man i am hurt.. all of this happened in 3.5 months!!!
    I feel like i did everything wrong and didnt meet his needs. He asked me to cook for him when stressed and it took weeks for me to do.. bc i was so anxious about doing things and that he would abandon me.. he wanted me to call and text him more, he wanted me to make plans to do stuff and not be so laid back..i was always so confused when he would say im not doing certain things because he would never say exactly what most of the time.. he would just say it’s because he feels i dont pay attention to details and he feels im not trying my hardest to make it work with him… he said his exes always “figured it out until its too late” I thought to myself did all of his exes need to figure out?! Im sure we aren’t all the same. So what is it then? I thought of the text he sent me saying he thought that i could be the one to change his mind and that i should of wanted to be that one. He was putting all the pressure on me to be perfect and be the one for him? I couldnt possibly do that. As much as we spoke of the issues and we were communicating well in a way and sometimes both being rational and logical, i’m still confused about everything and felt i should of immediately said yes when he asked to start over… I’m starting to think it really wasn’t just me and that he has issues as well. We kinda ended in the honey moon phase and that why it hurts.. he promised all of these things and i feel abandoned and worthless. The very thing i tried to make not happened, happened. I will have to leave him alone. Ive been working on work books and trying to figure out my wrong and deep rooted issues and know my self worth…

    Edit: when he was in an agitated mood, he got mad and left his house. He called me many times saying hes drunk, and speeding in the snow and that he doesnt care he dies. He kept saying i havnt been this suicidal in along time. Then repeating songs that have to do with dying. He said no one cares about him and i dont love him and that i need to call my ex and tell him i love him. I honestly forgot about this and felt extremely scared waiting for him to come back to his house. I felt anxious and felt something terrible would happen. He came back and literally acted like nothing happened. I didnt bring it up because i was very scared. He would call me while on trips and say hes so happy and he wishes i could see him at his best self because it was rare for him to have good days and he doesn’t know when he will feel that good again. He said i need to remind him im in his life because he gets so caught up in his head that he forgets he even has a partner. He asked if i noticed that he doesnt even realize im sitting by him or looking at me and I said no i dont. He said he does that because he feels so disconnected and in a fog. He would complain and say I give him headaches then say it was probably from food allergies. He spoke badly about my family and said my sister is using me and jealous that i have him now and not available for her. He even made a joke saying that wouldn’t it be terrible if he made me move to a different state away from my family and manipulated me. I was thinking ? He always said isnt it nice to be in a healthy relationship? I treat u so good and now u can see your worth. After we broke up and he came back in town, He accused me of leaving on his lights and tv for weeks. I know for a fact I didn’t because Before I was going to leave his place, i went back in to double check. Everything was off. He then accused his maintenance guy coming in and sleeping in his house and said he would kill him if he did that & that he has been waiting to hurt someone for along time….

    #785711 Reply

    Khadija

    Honestly, what I got from that is neither of you should be dating much less in a relationship.

    You both have some deep seeded issues that you need to work.
    Please go seek a therapist because from the start he was a bad bet given his history but, you decided to stick around.

    Emotionally healthy people don’t gt involve with people like this.

    Take care of you and work on yourself or you’ll be doomed to keep repeating the same cycle.

    #785733 Reply

    tammy

    I stopped reading halfway. I agree with the previous poster. both of you do not seem to be in a frame of mind or ready to be in a committed relationship. I think you both need to seek a therapist bec it all appears to be a chaos. take a break from all this. straighten out yourself. focus on your life, likes and what you want. this relationship anyways doesn’t seem to be working nor seems to be good for both of you. break away and work on your self.

    #786176 Reply

    Sarah

    I’m anxiously attached. I have a fear of abandonment so I tend to stick with bad guys, for fear of being alone. It’s a very hard process to stop. Regardless of what others tell you. You will probably keep repeating this cycle until one day? You hurt so so bad that you just can’t do the relationship anymore.

    I had a bad problem of letting go. It’s taken me so so long. I’m getting better, but still to this day? I find it hard to leave a bad guy.

    What helps with me? Is vetting a guy better from before meeting, establishing red flags and leaving them BEFORE I’ve met them and became attached.

    You won’t listen to any advice you are told, but one day? He will leave you heartbroken because your fear of abandonment means you won’t ever fully leave him.

    I’d recommend therapy. Reading up more on your attachment style and trying hard to change that to becoming securely attached.

    #786179 Reply

    kaye

    ‘m reading this and you both have some serious issues! But since there is nothing you can do to change him, you will need to focus on working on yourself. First, when a man tells you he is bad at dating and none of his relationships last more than 3 months…RED FLAG. Second, when a man is telling you intimate issues about his life like being molested on the FIRST day you meet…RED FLAG. Third, when a man tells you he has a history of rushing relationships and jumping in too fast and realizing he has never been in love…RED FLAG.  Fourth, when a man tells you his ex is still blowing up his phone and he’s still talking to her and having sex with her…RED FLAG.  Fifth, when a man takes condoms in his bag on a trip even though you had agreed to be  exclusive because ” he said he wanted to make sure if anything happened that he would be safe”…. RED FLAG. I could go on about him being depressed, suicidal, wanting to kill someone,  etc but I think by now you are getting the picture. This man was a walking RED FLAG who most women wouldn’t have touched with a 30 foot pole but you went jumping right in! This man has serious issues and he needs help. I’m talking professional help and not something you can provide. Yet he expected you to fill some kind of void in his life and told you how you didn’t make him feel loved. It’s very manipulative to tell someone you would feel loved if they cooked for you, etc. But I don’t understand why it took you weeks to cook for him. It sounds like you have serious anxiety and self esteem issues you need to work on. 

    #786181 Reply

    Rhonda

    Try to STOP drinking. It messes up your thinking and once you are sober for a while, things become clearer

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