My in-laws

Your BF? Spouse? Doesn’t intercede for you?

Please talk with your BF about this… His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

How old are the two of you? How did you meet? How long have you been together? How many relationships has your BF had before you?

Some people simply don’t have good manners, or etiquette, which could very well be why your BF doesn’t pick up on it because its his normal (the way he was raised). It also could be that he’s brought other ladies to “meet the parents” and the relationships fizzled out so they stopped trying to get to know them believing it will fizzle out too? Maybe they have certain expectations on who (they type of lady) they want their son to be with? Too many variables to list but unfortunately you may never know or get to the truth if they won’t talk to you.

When my eldest son brought his first GF to ‘meet the parents’ we both knew it was the ‘real deal’ because he never brought one home before. Our youngest son however has had so many GF’s that I have no care or desire to even meet them because I know in a couple months he’ll be single again lol. I met one recently but I didn’t like her, neither does his father, so it could be that too?

The problem you have is you can’t change or control how people act, behave or feel. You can bring it up to your BF but if he doesn’t see what your seeing, and does nothing to change or improve it, then unfortunately there’s nothing you can do but accept it, the way it is, or decide this isn’t the kind of long-term relationship you want. Only you have the power and control to make that choice, for yourself.

Just know that if you stay you have to accept them, the way they are, and can’t keep ‘bringing it up’ or make an issue out of it. Like my mother always told me “you make your own bed, you get to lie in it” meaning you have to live with the choices you make and any of the consequences that go along with them.

I talked to him, it didn’t go great.
I asked if something in my attitude was wrong or giving off a bad vibe maybe to his parents. He told me no, that they absolutely love me and that I’m great.
I then asked if he has noticed that the 3 of them are only talking to each other. He told me that he noticed it, which made me upset and annoyed, but I stayed calm and he went further saying that I’m more than welcome to join the discussion. To which I reply when I do, I get a brief answer and then you all go back to talking to each other only, so that makes things difficult for me.
He then told me it’s because they are excited to see each other and that I can’t expect them to be all around me, because I’m still a stranger to them and we have met each other only a few times.
This is where I pointed out that I would be less of a stranger if they showed a bit of interest in talking to me.
He got a bit annoyed and used a similar situation I’ve been in against me (my hosts were too busy fighting with each other and ignored me for the whole dinner, and I told him about my discomfort), to imply that I need attention from people and that I’m no longer backpacking around the world and can’t expect people to be all excited about me or interested in asking me questions. He told me that his parents are the most caring and sweet persons he knows, and left it there.
I now feel like he thinks I’m an attention whore and he didn’t get my point at all, which was to feel a bit more included in the gathering.
In my home country that would be considered as very rude and bad etiquette to leave somebody out like this. Maybe it’s a cultural difference but I didn’t appreciate his way to ignore the feelings I was trying to point out and just turn it around as me being a nagging girlfriend. I can’t understand that he doesn’t imagine the discomfort and loneliness to spend a few days around people that are ignoring you. He is pretty empathetic usually.
I guess I have to accept it or leave as Lane said.

What country are you from? You stating the grandfather hates your language probably has more to do with racial ideology, not the language in and by itself, that is either tied to personal experiences, such as war, cultural such as terrorism, or political, such as communism etc.

If they get along with their daughter-in-law, who I suspect is American, then it very well sounds like there’s personal, religious or ideological biases involved and that could be a difficult hurdle to overcome based on how myopic their views are. I would suspect your BF knows about their personal biases but was hoping when they met you they would see you as your own person but it doesn’t appear it worked so he needs to play Switzerland so to speak when they are in your vicinity.

I don’t doubt your BF loves you and wishes his parents would embrace you, like he has, but also doesn’t want to ‘rock the boat’ with his family either so doing the best he knows how to keep the peace.

They could eventually come around but they may not either. Its a difficult spot and position to be in and only you know whether you can handle it, possibly for life, if you and your BF do decide to marry. I thankfully have never had any family issues with my ex husband’s family (still friends with my ex mother-in-law) or my current partner’s family but I’ve heard those who do are miserable so definitely something you need to figure out before making any long-term decisions.