This topic contains 8 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Julie 7 months, 2 weeks ago.
October 10, 2019 at 6:05 pm #775345
My husband has an acquaintance who he partners sometimes in a sport. I wouldn’t call him a friend but he socialises with him sometimes after playing. I also sometimes partner my husband in different competitions for the same sport. The friend wants my husband to drop me to partner him for all competitions. Their partnership only arose because of my heavy work schedule but I have now retired and my husband would prefer to drop the other partner but feels some loyalty to him to continue which I respect and don’t challenge.
This friend isn’t a nice person. He is arrogant, rude and immature and I suspect he has narcissistic personality disorder. He is nasty about a lot of people, in particular about their standard in the sport but also generally. He doesn’t seem to get on with anyone and I suspect he has no other partners because of his poor behaviour.
The problem is that every few months he emails my husband telling him he has to drop me to play more with him and when my husband says “sorry but no” he makes offensive comments about me such as “does she have no life”, “surely she lets you out sometimes”, “you obviously don’t want to win then” and “can’t she find a woman partner and let the big boys play a proper game”. My husband responds to these attacks with sympathy and kindness, offering to help him find other partners.
I feel my husband should tell him that these attacks on me are unacceptable and if they don’t stop he will remove this person from our life, but he won’t do it. He just keeps sending him pleasant replies, sympathising with him having no other partners and offering to help him find some. It makes me feel that he doesn’t care about my feelings or how people treat me. I just want a loyal and supportive husband and don’t feel I have one. If I try to explain this to him he tells me he doesn’t want to fall out with the partner or have a confrontation, and that he’s already feeling terrible for upsetting him by saying no. It feels that the acquaintances feelings are more important than mine.
Am I overreacting?October 10, 2019 at 6:32 pm #775349
Sounds like your husband needs to grow some danglers…October 10, 2019 at 6:43 pm #775356
Thanks Raven. I do believe he has poor boundaries and is afraid of confrontation. He thinks he is able to rise above other peoples immature behaviour and take the high road.October 10, 2019 at 7:07 pm #775358
I think what really bothers me is he doesn’t seem to be upset by it. He’s quite an unemotional person, but surely it should make him upset and angry.October 10, 2019 at 9:19 pm #775364
No, your husband simply doesn’t want to make a confrontational big deal . Its NOT your husband’s fault this guy is obnoxious.
He 100% sees your side and he is on your side. He wishes this dumm ass doesn’t exist. This person is a pain in your husband’s ass.October 10, 2019 at 9:21 pm #775365
Don’t make it worse by turning on your husband.October 11, 2019 at 4:37 am #775369
Thanks Dangerouse. I agree with most of what you say and you’re right, I do need to make sure this doesn’t cause rows between us.
However it would be easy to get this guy out of our lives without being nasty to him. He just needs to say he’s playing all these competitions with me now I’m retired, he hopes he can find a good replacement partner and he wish him all the best. Instead he keeps him in our lives knowing this cycle will keep happening.October 11, 2019 at 6:31 am #775371
Sorry but this is who he is, and its up to you to take the bull by the horns and end this if it bothers you this much. You brought him into your lives due to working too much, now you have to get him out. Next time you see or speak to him just tell him “thanks for stepping in while I was winding up my career but now that I’m retired I have the time to compete with my husband again who is very happy I’m back.” The more you compete with your husband the less time he will spend with this guy and eventually go away.
My ex-husband was this way. Non confrontational where he would just let things slide because he didn’t have that confrontational type of personality. I am the opposite where I would call them out and/or do something about if forced to. Your husband is a peacemaker type, doesn’t like to ruffle feathers or create drama. This is who he is, and if you can’t accept this part of him then you’re going to have a difficult relationship. My husband on the surface level didn’t like how I handled things at times but on a deeper level he was glad I was the one to do it, as it either solved it, or able to get it done which wouldn’t have happened if left up to him.October 11, 2019 at 8:01 am #775373
Thanks Lane for your usual constructive calm advice, I was hoping you’d respond. You’re spot on. I’m like you, I don’t go around looking for fights, but I do tend to address issues even if it is unpleasant. I hate unresolved issues keep coming back. My husband is content to temporarily bat them away knowing he’ll have to do it again and again but I hate that approach. Even before he got nasty the 3 monthly emails to my husband saying “please play with me instead of your wife in these events” then listing all the best ones was driving me nuts!
I never see or speak to the guy (if he is at an event then generally I’m not as we have the same partner who can only play with one of us at once) so I would have to make a point of contacting him if I were to deal with it myself. This would upset my husband who feels doing that would undermine him and that I should trust him to resolve it his way. I’ll need to give that some more thought.