This topic contains 8 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by mama 1 month, 1 week ago.
January 20, 2021 at 8:31 am #838138
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. He has a group of friends who live 8 hours away in another state. I’ve never really clicked with these friends. They are very standoffish, their lives are filled with drama and they spend most of their day partying and smoking weed. The friends always pressure my bf to live near them and just recently the house across the street from the one friend went up for sale. Now my boyfriend is obsessed with moving. I don’t like the house, it’s about $200,000 more than the home my bf currently owns and it’s half the size. On top of being tiny, the layout is awkward, it needs a lot of updates, and the driveway is super narrow. My boyfriend is currently away for work all week but last Sunday he scheduled a conference call with the realtor to get a virtual tour without my knowledge. He called me afterward and agreed the house wasn’t very nice, especially for the price tag. This whole time I communicated that I did not want to move to this state because I wasn’t fond of the group of friends, we don’t have jobs in that state, my bf only has to work a couple more years before he can retire early with a pension, the area is super expensive to live, I don’t want to raise our future kids away from family and I didn’t like the house.
We seemed to be on the same page but last night he called me and told me that he put an offer on the house. I was livid! He never consulted me. We had a huge argument. He claims that he doesn’t believe my reasons not to move were valid. He doesn’t remember me saying that I flat out don’t want to live in this state and that I am just springing this on him now. He is completely shocked and hurt when I said that I want to be with him but I don’t want to move. He feels like I am picking not moving over being with him. He feels that I don’t love him enough to make the sacrifice. All of a sudden it was his dream to live in this state (I’ve never heard this before) and he doesn’t want to miss this opportunity. I don’t think we can recover from this. I don’t want to move because I am happy where I am and if my bf doesn’t move, I will feel guilty for shutting down his dreams.January 20, 2021 at 9:34 am #838144
I simply could not stay with a man so immature he Lets friends get him into buying a house in another state so they can party some. For me it would be over. I would not be livid or get into practical arguments like you did in your post. It would be over. Period. And i would wish him luck in his future plans. There is no way i would stayJanuary 20, 2021 at 10:08 am #838147
Hi-I think this would be a deal breaker for me…he plans to get into the “old groove” with people you do not like and who sound immature. He planned and worked on all this without really consulting you or taking your desires and needs in to consideration.
As for you “shutting down his dreams”, what, about hanging with slackers that want to stay high and loll about all day is such a great goal? I think you would be miserable if you move. He obviously has more interest sand loyalty to his past, then his life with you and I do not think that you and the old lifestyle will mesh. You could move and hate things and break up and then you will have to “start again” to regain your life you want or have now.
I know it is hard, but you are better off to cut your losses and break it off or at least refuse to move. Maybe he will go and find it was a mistake or decide not to go. Either way he has shown disregard for you and the two of you as a solid unit. Something to think about. Good luck.January 20, 2021 at 12:17 pm #838164
T from NY
People show you who they are. It’s your choice what to do with that information. He’s showing you he will make HUGE decisions without your input. Even more, he’ll make decisions DESPITE your feelings. That is not a partnership. I know it may not seem like it now, but you’ll look back and be super happy you dumped a guy like this.January 20, 2021 at 1:00 pm #838169
Agree with everyone on here. He sounds really immature and inconsiderate.
When i started reading i thought he was either in his early twenties or alternatively a „midlife crisis is looming“ type of guy. But then you mention your „future kids“ so i‘m guessing you are more in the 30s range?
If you are thinking about starting a family, that should be a time where you focus on you as a couple. And of course planning your future life together. I don‘t see that here at all.
I would consider moving onJanuary 20, 2021 at 1:16 pm #838172
And that’s an instant hasta la vista baby from me.
You said his old friends are dramatic? Well this is certainly some drama they would approve of. Don’t engage any further. You told him, you know you told him, he didn’t want to hear what you had to say.
I’d just say something along these lines: “Apparently your mind is made up to move there. As I’ve stated before, I don’t want to go, for a number of reasons. We’re at an impasse. I understand you want to go and I love you enough to want you to be happy even if it means we are no longer together. Obviously this is the end of our relationship, which I regret but I”m sure you love me enough to want me to be happy as well so let’s go our separate ways wishing each other the very best.”
You aren’t married, be thankful for that. He’s not ready to be a serious relationship leading to marriage if he’s doing things like this with people who are that negative. Let him go. I know it’s painful but you will see eventually you dodged a bullet.January 20, 2021 at 1:17 pm #838173
be in a serious relationshipJanuary 21, 2021 at 12:22 pm #838310
Buying a house and moving to another state is a huge life change and not a decision you make by yourself if there is another person involved that you want to have a future with. A relationship is a two way street, and this sounds very one sided and honestly very manipulative on his part.
Ultimately, you can’t control what he does and you need to think about what is best for you. You are under no obligation to follow him just as he doesn’t have to stay.January 21, 2021 at 12:46 pm #838312
It’s such a bummer when someone you love disappoints you like this. His desire to go hang out with his friends is more important to him than working things out for the 2 of you.
Someone above mentioned that you should pay attention to the fact that this is who he is. He WILL make important decisions without you. I do like what AngelBaby said, it’s a great way to address everything that concerns you. You need to love him enough to let him go. It sounds like he’s going to regress if/when he moves out there anyway, so just let him go. find a guy who wants a future with you.