Home › Forums › The Community Lounge › My best friend's partner died, she doesnt want to talk to me…what do I do?
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Ss.
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Deanna
My best friend’s partner died. They broke up five years ago but I feel she still loves him. He died 5 months ago from liver failure.
I’ve tried to be there for her but it seems like anything I say to her, she says I don’t understand what she’s going through. My father died when I was 22 and I was in an abusive relationship with an ex. He was abusive to her cos he was an alcoholic. She also has 2 kids with him, so she still saw him for the kids at least after they broke up.
She was ok when they broke up but when he died her feelings for him came back and she feels guilty for breaking up with him when he needed her. I asked her what she wanted me to do and she told me to leave her alone. Everytime I ask her to come over for a girly party, just me and my other friend, she always declines.
I told her that it’s normal to feel guilty and that I understand what she’s going through. One of my other friend told her that she needs to try and move on and that really pissed her off. My other friend is quite abrupt and straight forward.
She feels like people thinks she wants attention and sympathy and that no one understands her. She told me she had been suffering from depression and anxiety since she had her second child, she never bothered to tell me. She usually tells me what’s on her mind but with this, she kept it a secret because she was scared I might judge her. We havent spoken in 2 weeks.
I don’t know what else to do.
Anderson
This is a difficult feeling to describe because it doesn’t make sense: Often during a hardship, it helps having someone say they understand. Sure. But -occasionally-, hearing that is the last thing I want to hear. Something very annoying/unappealing about it. As if them saying they’ve been through the same lessened what I was going through, or invalidated it. In that moment, I wanted it to be a big deal. Because it feels like it. And no I’m not an attention seeker at all but instead prefer staying under the radar. Like I said it’s a weird feeling.
Other times you actually want to be left alone because the only comfort can be mourning. 5 months is a long time to mourn though so I understand your concern for her well-being.
What to do is a big judgment call. Sometimes you really do nothing and let them be. I personally am like this often, not always. It’s a stupid mentality but I can’t help it. Either I sink or swim. Just let me be. Can be brutal for others to experience so I try not to let them know I’m even going through anything.
Sometimes they can be comforted but you’re not the right person that they’re looking for, and it’s nothing personal. There isnt a single person I talk to about everything. A gf comes closest but even that isnt 100%
Sometimes (maybe only a guy can getaway with doing this.) I simply wont accept someone wanting to be left alone to an unhealthy degree. So I’ll keep tending to them. They can reject me all they want. Frustrated with my persistence? Wanna take out your anger on me? Good. Anger is still a better driving force than depression which is a miserable low energy state.
Sometimes I don’t try to constantly pick them up but passively let them know I’m there. My ex who was rather introverted was like this, where she’d want her alone and quiet time but still wanted the comfort of my presence so she’d come into the room I was in and sit near me or in my vicinity, and do her reading/whatever. A similar version would be a casual visit to your friend. A random text, song share or so. If she wants to talk a lot about it then hear her out, and ask questions. I’m hypocritical for saying this because “fixing” things is in my own DNA ha.
The reason I haven’t blindly advised something and only given insight is because I’m not you and I don’t know her. And how to deal with someone depends largely on understanding them. Don’t forget to look after yourself too. It can be brutal being with someone who’s inconsolable. Best wishes
Lane
Unfortunately there is nothing you can do. People grieve differently and in their own way. Whether you went through it or not is immaterial because she’s not feeling it the same way which is what she’s trying to tell you but you don’t want to listen.
One of my very good friends grieved the way she did, but another grieved very differently even though they had both lost a child tragically (one committed suicide and another fell off a 20 story building). As a good friend I reached out to both of them of course, whereas one had no desire to talk, checked-out and went into a deep depression. The other literally became a veteran activist (her son served and suffered from PTSD) and poured all her grief and loss into that, to the point, I began to notice she was neglecting her other children, who were sill alive. Both suffered in their own way for at least 2 – 3 years, so there’s no set time or date for someone to grieve, they stop when they are ready to stop.
All I could really do is to let them handle their grief in the way they needed to. I gave a lot space to the one who requested and empathized with the other, especially on the day she was burying her eldest son, I was celebrating my younger sons birthday, so yeah, it royally sucked to the point I too felt an overwhelming amount of grief for a few days as it really hit me in a very hard way.
In a nutshell, leave her be. Give her the space and time she needs to deal with it in the way she needs to and let her family take care of the rest, as they are in a better position to do so. All you need to do is check in with her here and there, once or twice a month to see where her heads at and that’s it. Do not talk about him, or her grief. Keep it light and upbeat where if she starts to ‘go there’ (to the dark side) you end the convo on a light note such as “____ (name) and I are heading out to the beach, talk to you later” (even if your not) so she can start thinking about what she’s missing out on with others v. wallowing in despair.
Eventually they snap out of it but that journey can take a long time so all you can really do is continue to live your life and wait until they have no more tears left.
Mae
Contrary to popular belief, it’s not your job to save someone or to change them. Instead, I would offer support in ways that don’t relate to the situation. Continue to invite her on hikes, or to the movies. Don’t belabor the topic by pressing her about not revealing her feelings.
But you, too, have the right to detach from the situation if you feel the friendship has reached a toxic level. If you choose to go that route, it would be a kindness to let her know you’re here to support her, and that she can reach out whenever she’s up for getting together.
Then, live your life. And mean it.
When a close family member died years ago, I was still living with my mom. She wanted to hug and cry constantly- I wanted to detach and disassociate. I am not the touchy-feely type when it comes to grief. I need to be independent and take it all in, and then either explode or find creative ways to honor the person rather than dress in black and cry in a group setting. Everyone is different.
My father-in-law died back in April. I tried to be there for my husband, who is way more emotional and affectionate than I am, in whatever capacity I could. However, because we are a unit, I reminded him we were experiencing grief together and that I needed time to process alone as well. He understood. I also gave him time to cry on FaceTime with his mom (they are all from Italy where we met) while I took my toddler out to give him space.
Ss
Grief is such a complex thing and its great that you are such a good friend that you care enough to seek advice on how to help her but there is little you can do aside from be there, wait it out and try not to make anything about your feelings of rejection when a person you care about is pushing you away.
There is no time scale on grief. My dad died when i was 14 and I’m nearly 40. It still hurts like hell completely out of the blue on occasion. My dog died 3 months ago and even though i feel stupid i still feel devastated and hurt by the loss of my pet who was my companion for 11 years. You can’t will someone to get over something that hurts. They have to do that themselves in their own time and in their own way.
As others have suggested just keep checking in and remind her subtly you are there for her in any way she needs you and don’t tell her you understand- you can’t possibly because the way she feels is different to how you have felt in grief. I imagine her feelings are very complicated – sadness, guilt, even maybe relief.
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