Losing Yourself in a Relationship

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This topic contains 6 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Maddie 3 weeks ago.

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  • #935607 Reply


    I have been in a serious relationship for about 2 years now. It’s my first one, my first real love. We’ve met each other’s families, lived together, talked about getting married. It’s hard not to be codependent and I think it has a lot do with it being my first relationship. It’s not his first by the way. I just seem to isolate myself from pretty much everyone except him. Everyone who used to be important just isn’t as important as him now. I’m okay with losing everyone and everything as long as I have him and I know this isn’t healthy. How do I become less co-dependent and find myself again? I try to do my own thing, find hobbies, but nothing seems to work.

    #935608 Reply


    What is your age, please?

    #936032 Reply



    #936034 Reply


    Hi Mary, considering your age & that this is your first relationship, I think it’s typical & something you’ll learn to navigate…

    You say, “I try to do my own thing, find hobbies, but nothing seems to work.” How much time have you given your other pursuits? Are your other pursuits things you are passionate about?

    Do you hang out with your girlfriends?

    #936039 Reply


    Hi Mary,
    This is great that you recognize this. Even if you marry, alone time is important. You can start setting aside one night a week that you do something with friends or have like a social night/class.. ie. Dance class, drinks with a close friend, time to catch up on a book… etc

    #936050 Reply


    Mary, the best you can do is to get out of that relationship, so that you can go on a beautiful and tough journey of discovering yourself. You can meet the a great guy, but you may not be ready for him and that’s very okay.

    You don’t learn how to be less co-dependent. You learn to be independent. You give yourself space to do all those things on your own.

    Discuss all these with him if you can. I strongly believe that you need to break up with him for your own good. To find your own life. To have friends you hang out with, the hobbies you wish for. Your own life.
    What you described is a cry for help. You gotta save you.

    This is just my advice though. These are just my thoughts.

    #936063 Reply


    Does he act the same way or encourage you to push away others, making you both co-dependent? If so, then the overall relationship may not be healthy. If he encourages you to also be your own person and is not holding you back from it, though, then you can figure it out within the relationship. But as you’re seeing already, you need to be deliberate about it. It does involve figuring out who you are and what you like on your own, scheduling some time for socializing or hobbies outside of him, maybe even take a trip alone or with girlfriends for a week or two.

    If none of that seems to help you, there are some deeper things you can consider outside of age and inexperience. Sometimes a person is more likely to fall into codependency if they have low self esteem, don’t trust themselves very much, were taught to be people pleasers, or grew up around other family members who have co-dependent tendencies and learned that was normal. If any of those other issues being true, then you need to find ways to improve yourself esteem and define your own identity for yourself as well. There are resources around, for example the book Codependent No More is well known and well reviewed (I’ve never read it to recommend it for sure, though), you can do an internet search on love addiction (not saying you’re a love addict but there will be more to learn about codependency provided in that space), or even talk to a therapist.

    Keep asking the right questions like you’re doing and stay connected with yourself, no matter what else you choose to do about it, and you’ll be on the right track.

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